Archive for the ‘Tweakers’ Category

Vanilla Ice take the wheel…

April 10, 2008

Now see, this is what gives us cool white dudes a bad name. Cats just have to learn to stay in their lane, play it cool and you’ll get the best of both worlds as a down ass white dude. This cat, I mean, WOW, this is just fucking deplorable, but HILARIOUS. If you can stand it to wait for that second verse, please do. I mean, it took me that long to begin to actually laugh. I think prior to that I was just in shock. Haa, wow.

Wow. Somebody call child protection, the bloods, crips and the aryan brotherhood. All four entities need to give this fool a good once over. Awful.

– Lake

———–UPDATE————

All I want to know is, where the hell did this kid get the “Let it Burn” instrumental from?  I’m sure he did Usher proud with that one.  And what was that date he kept dropping?  The first time he hunched this chick out in front of his white fence?

Running in the Cuffs: Stupid Criminal Watch

April 9, 2008

This is a great one. Apparently Cleveland Browns player Kenny Wright was arrested a few days ago for marijuana possession.

He had 1.875 ounces on him. The UvT weed heads can let me know whether that counts as personal possession or possession with intent to distribute. Back in the day Nate Newton made it clear, he had a van full of bricks, 213 pounds worth, Kenny just wanted to get his smoke on.

So here is where the story gets good. The cops arrest him, he’s heading to the station, for some inexplicable reason he is in freaking Pearland, Texas. Standard stuff, right. He’ll get booked, may spend a night in the drunk tank, people will see the story and think he’s a Bengal instead of a Brown, then he will end up back in Pearland about three months from now and made to do some community service and pay a fine. Case closed right? Naaaaaaah. So here’s what Kenny decides to do. He decides to break out his defensive back skeeeels and MAKE A RUN FOR IT AT THE POLICE STATION.

Well, I guess you should throw deep on the Browns next season because old Kenny got run down by Pearland’s finest within a quarter mile. That means that he also gets to add unlawful restraint and evading arrest to the rapsheet. Look, one of my boys tried to run in the cuffs a few years ago. That raises all kinds of other questions, like:

1: Where the hell do you think you’re going?

2: How were you going to get the handcuffs off?

3: Do you really think you can outrun trained cops with your hands bound behind your back?

4: You are an NFL player…they already have your name and information…you think they don’t know where to find you? I think Ohio’s extradition laws to Texas are pretty sound. See question #1.

I’ve already covered enough to make this a Us Versus Them classic. But that’s not all. Check my mans mugshot.

Well damn, I guess he did get picked up for weed charges. Let’s go ahead and excuse that turrible ass damn low cut, cleavage errr clavicle bearing G-G-G-G-G-Unit grey beater this dude is has on. Let’s also excuse the fact that his tattoo makes him look like he got a chest hair shape up with a high left, low right. This dude is tweeeeeded out. I thought the herb was supposed to calm you down? Why is this dude running for the hills like he’s hopped up on Red Bull, speed, caffeine, and Mountain Dew?

Great job Kenny.

-Brock

Clemens: He injected me, just not with ‘Roids

January 4, 2008

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According to ESPN.com Roger Clemens hit “60 Minutes” with that same line Eddie Murphy the Prince hit Eddie Murphy the Barber with in Coming to America.

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Barber: Well Goddamn boy, what kinda chemical you got in there?
Prince Akeem: I have used no chemicals, only juices and berries
Barber: Sheeyut, that aint nothing but a ultra-perm

No question, Roger is persisting with this “waddent me” defense of the claim that he used performance enhancing drugs to boost his career. Now he’s getting a little more specific saying that his trainer, Brian McNamme, the one who dimed him out under threat of criminal prosecution, injected him with Vitamin B-12 and Lidocaine, a local anesthetic used to treat skin inflammations and not the Juice.

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Don’t you love this “Shaggy” defense, which is really another Eddie Murphy creation, of “Waddent me” that Roger is trying to sell us now? It’s so hot. Oh, I get it, you were injected by this dude, only he was hitting you with B-12 and Neosporin for that butt acne errrr sensitive skin men have on their asses (?)..LOL.

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(Yall see Rocket’s lady? I think she may be on something too….5 kids and all ripped in the midriff?)

You gotta hand it to ole Rog, though. Through all of this he has remained himself. He’s just the quintessential asshole and always has been. I guess that’s what happens when the media gives you a pass for your transgressions during your entire career. Just like when he told us he threw that bat at Mike Piazza because he thought it was the ball. I know, I know, he had a flashback to KICKBALL when he could a fool out by hitting him with the ball while they run the bases.

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I get it. HA. How does hitting a dude with an alleged baseball make sense Rog? You think on that one, then answer me this:

If you’re bent over and Brian McManne, a professional sports trainer, was injecting you with what you thought (wink, wink) was B-12 and Palmers Coco Butter, then how do you really know he didn’t swap out those CVS syringes for some of those Balco ones?  What are you saying, that you never knowingly took steriods?

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I know, I know, as far as you know, that was B-12, Vitamin C and Jack Daniels coursing through your veins. Believe me, it happened to me too. I was just helping that UNC hick chick over the fence back in college when her pappy came out with the shotty…

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How was I to know we’d get all tangled up like that?

Come on, we all know the Rocketman is a liar. Oh and I bet it felt good when McNamme’s lawyer promised to sue your candy ass if you lied in that 60 Minutes interview or the presser you’ve got scheduled for Monday. Watch yourself son…

– Tabaccy spittin Lake with a ten gallon hat on his head

Told you so, Roger Clemens is the….

December 13, 2007

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And he’s an asshole.

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HGH is a hell of a Drug…

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How’s that for an asterisk? So all that fake, Barry Bonds outrage can stop anytime now. These media types are so hilarious. They provided the public with all this information about Barry being a jerk, something we would have no way of knowing otherwise. Then they crucified him for bring that jerk under the pretext of ‘Roids and the All-time home run record. THEN they sat back and did exactly what they did during the McGwire-Sosa home run race, turned a blind eye to what was obviously the exact same “activity” and juiced infused accomplishments of “their guys” like Clemens and Pettite! Right, pitchers all of a sudden get BETTER with age, that makes perfect sense. No, it wasn’t that they didn’t know, THEY DIDN’T CARE! It’s the classic double standard cloaked in their typical transparent, self-righteous bullshit.

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Just because you like a guy, doesn’t make it ok for him to juice up and if it does (and clearly it does in the minds of the media) then the least you can do is have the decency to treat Barry B the same way. Instead, these guys isolated the steroids issue to Bonds alone. Disgraceful.
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Free Barry Bonds! He’s just a product of the times, just like all your “good guys” who give you the grab ass interviews you desire.

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Believe me, I do too, only, I don’t find you funny at all either. Hypocrites.

– Lake

MLB’s farce: The Mitchell Report

December 12, 2007

Look, this damn Mitchell report on Steroids use in Major League Baseball is a joke.

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MLB is trying to sell the public a false bill of goods. Early reports have the Mitchell report “exposing” 60-80 former and current players, a few trainers and a manager or two. So what? When Baseball initially did their exploratory investigation back in 2003, the whole idea of having a steroids disciplinary policy was premised on whether over 5% of the current players tested positive for the Juice during the 2002 season. If the percentage of players who tested positive was below the 5% threshold, then they’d go along with this, don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t think policy. If they tested above the 5%, they’d go into phase two of their toothless ambition to rid performance enhancers from the game.

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Guess what, and I know this is a shocker, the testing revealed that these dudes were tweaking off of The Juice.

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MLB said that 5-7% of the random test results came back positive for ‘Roids. Now, they did 1,438 tests that year and each player was tested no more than once. I aint no genius or anythang, but by my calculations eerrr calculator that would make roughly 100 players in that year alone! But yet this Mitchell is coming back with 60 t0 80 names over a 30 year period?

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Hell, just go to the test results from the 2003 and three study and publish them. I know, I know, they were anonymous… Sure they were. And when a doctor examines a hot babe with her shirt off, he’s not looking at those titties either. And when a gay dude sees an attractive straight man at the gym, he’s not having wild imaginations and shit either… Oh and when those female reporters are in the professional team locker rooms, “just doing their jobs” they aren’t looking at the athlete’s junk, either. None of that. Right, tell me anything. If I wanted a dog and pony show, I would have gone to WNBA finals last year.

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Who won that thing by the way? The Shock? The Sparks? Whatever, they’re all the same.

What a freaking joke this all is… This is more of a joke than W’s “investigations” of the CIA leak scandal, 9/11 and “what went wrong” with the Hurricane Katrina Relief. I’m not naive, I understand that nobody wants to thoroughly investigate themselves, but don’t treat my like I’m a complete idiot. Again, lie to me. I know, I know, we’re gonna see names of players we know in that report tomorrow. Let me guess… It’ll be “Here’s another hit” Barry Bonds, Rafael Palmeroid, Big Mac, Jose Canseco, Jason “On dat Juice” Giambi, that slug Jason Grimsley from the D-backs, Sammy “I’m not a cheater I just cork a lot” Sosa and a few Latino players nobody has ever heard of.

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Let me tell you when you’ll know for sure that it’s a complete joke and lie; when you don’t see Roger “Super Roid Rage” Clemens’ name up on the list.

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I mean, does anybody with an ounce of brain tissue in their head doubt that the guy was on the juice late in his career? Oh I know, you just get better at pitching with age. Oh and he didn’t exhibit any of the symptoms of steroids either, yeah right. Homey looked like that big ole Gossamer monster Bugs Bunny used to tussle with on the mound.

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He acted like it too. He threw a bat at Mike Piazza during a damn game and then later claimed he thought it was the ball.

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Because those things are so similar. Finally, how many times has this asshole thrown at dudes to “get them off the plate”? Right, it’s either that or he was tweaking on a speed, roids, yellow ones, purple stuff, Sunny D, HGH and ribs combo plate that’s had him looking to get a piece of a cat every time he took the bump. But the media likes Roger, so it’s all good. Just like they liked Big Mac, so that was all good. Total bullshit, all of it.

Rant over.

– Lake

Balco T and Heels sit atop both polls

December 4, 2007

The North Carolina Tarheels moved up to No. 1 and former No. 1 UCLA fell to No. 8 in the latest ESPN/USA Today coaches’ poll, released Monday. In addition, North Carolina remained No. 1 in The Associated Press poll. Not bad for the boys in baby blue. After Carolina took the top spot in both polls, Tyler Hansbrough aka Balco T was ecstatic.

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I know what you’re saying, but Lakey, he doesn’t look so happy. Well, that’s Tyler’s happy face. If you haven’t ever watched the dude, he’s a pretty weird cat with a chemical imbalance I haven’t seen in the ACC since Tim Duncan was getting his robotic big fundamental on in the late 90s.

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I pretty much thought the dude was a freaking cyborg or something like Bishop from Aliens. And just like Ripley, I don’t trust this big mufucka. Why not? It’s simple.

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Tyler is either a really weird cat or he’s really peaking and tweaking on the best and brightest steroids they can find out there in Missouri where he’s from (clearly he’s not getting his stash from UNC, they just got the cotton gin last month thanks to a time capsule they stumbled upon).

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Check out their English Lit Department.

I know, I know, it’s a great school and just as academically competitive as Duke. Riiight. haaa Look, I’ll admit, if Duke had majors in Hog tying, muskrat cookin,’ food shootin,’ Git’n her dun, Nascar, racism and tabaccy spittin’ as the Tarheels do — UNC at Chapel Hill would be a darn tootin tough school to beat. But since we don’t, I don’t think we want to be comparing the two schools academically, ok?

At any rate, somebody get Tyler Hansbrough a steroids test, tanning lotion and some clippers because I’ve pretty much had enough of what I’ve seen. Hell, this cat looks and acts like College Basketball’s version of Ivan Drago….”I play for me!!!”

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Until then or until he can show me he’s a normal dude with normal emotions and advanced language skills, he’ll be known as Balco T around these parts, ya dig?

– Lake

Hingis retires from Tennis amid nose candy and white horse controversy

November 1, 2007

Martina Hingis was a special talent when she broke onto the Women’s Tennis scene in 1995 after great success in the junior ranks.

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So why would she throw all that away to ride the white horse, sniff that Lindsay Lo-Han, toot the nose candy, roll with the Bolivian Marching Powder, dance with the white lady, get chalked up with the California Cornflakes, caminar con el diablo, puff with the white dragon, sing with that sweet Christina Aguilera — I mean why would you do that? We may never know why, but what we do know is that she just tested positive for Cocaine and promptly retired. Nice.

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And now she’s saying that she’s never done coke. Hmmm, you’ve never done it, though you tested positive for it. Don’t you hate when that happens? And what about your plans to suddenly retire? I know, she’s just retiring, at age 27 mind you, because her body is breaking down not because she’s tested positive for an illegal narcotic.

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I’m not exactly sure, but I don’t think Tony’s buying that story.

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Anyway, let’s take this time to remember the Czech -Hungarian born tennis player turned “Swiss Miss”. One thing is for sure, the babe was colorful and occasionally, from the right angle, reasonably attractive.

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Not only that, wasn’t just a hype tennis star and cocaine addict, she was nasty and would run smack with the best of them too:

  • Referring obliquely to Amelie Mauresmo’s lesbianism on the eve of their 1999 Australian Open final, Hingis told reporters, “She’s here with her girlfriend. She’s half a man already.”
  • When asked in the late 1990s how she felt about the budding rivalry between herself and the then-up-and-coming Anna Kournikova, Hingis responded, “What rivalry? I win all the matches.”
  • After the Williams sisters had complained of discrimination against them, Hingis told Time Magazine in 2001: “Being black only helps them. Many times they get sponsors because they are black. And they have had a lot of advantages because they can always say, ‘It’s racism.’ They can always come back and say, ‘Because we are this color, things happen.'” In the U.S., this comment garnered considerable attention, although elsewhere her comment was mostly greeted with indifference. What a biiatch.
  • At the peak of the Williams sisters and Hingis’ competitive and fierce rivalry, Hingis stated in a press conference during the 1999 US Open referring to the sisters’ remarks, “They always have big mouths. They always talk a lot. It’s happened before, so it’s gonna happen again. I don’t really worry about that.”
  • On the long-dominant German player, Steffi Graf, Hingis said, “Steffi has had some results in the past, but it’s a faster, more athletic game now than when she played. She is old now. Her time has passed.” (Hingis made this comment in 1998 while Graf was on an injury-related hiatus from tennis.)
  • Responding in a 1999 press conference on why she terminated her doubles partnership with former Wimbledon champion Jana Novotna, Hingis remarked, “She’s old and slow.”
  • During her acceptance speech at the 1997 Australian Open women’s singles final, the winner, Hingis, referred to her win in doubles the previous day and said, “I always love to come here to Australia and it’s a great win for me and I will like to come back and win another title. Yesterday, I already won in my doubles so, next time I’ll have to play mixed doubles so, maybe I’m going to win that too. But I also need to give someone else a chance to win an event.”

At any rate, we at UvT wish Ms. Hingis well. We’re not sure what she’ll do with all that money and all this extra time she’ll have, but such is life. We are waiting on that raunchy men’s magazine pictorial that is certain to come soon after this white horse incident dies down.

– Lake

———-UPDATE———–

My favorite nickname for cocaine has always been “booger sugar”.

-Brock

Atlantic City Mayor Goes AWOL

October 13, 2007

So you are the mayor of Dirty Las Vegas, Vegas Jr. , Atlantic City, and you are under investigation for falsifying your military record during your campaign. So what do you do? You completely and utterly disappear. There are only a few reasons to do that:

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One, you are in rehab.

Two, you are getting plastic surgery.

Three, you are leading a secret double life.

The funny thing is that there are people in his cabinet that are completely confident that he is coming back and that everyone will understand why he was gone.

Hell in Atlantic City it might be all three, he may come back as a woman with a substance abuse problem.

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Tootsie in ’08.

-Brock

——————UPDATE—————————–

I guess the mayor resigned after going to rehab for substance abuse issues, as predicted.  Here’s the crazy part.  He disappeared for two weeks, I guess he was only in the clinic for one week then spent the rest of his time at home.  No one thought to look THERE?  Who was running the search?

Damn homey, on Survivor you were the man homey!!!

October 4, 2007

What the f*ck happened to you?

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Damn, one of my favorite villains from Survivor, Johnny Fairplay, got worked over by Danny Bonaduce at the Reality TV Awards (what?). Anyway, the whole exchange is hilarious, but just watch how that cat Fairplay walks off the stage.. Classic!!!

Freaking hilarious.

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How many times did you see that exact same scene in High School, Class Clown v. Class Dick.

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Winner by knockout, the Dick. Supposedly Fairplay is “pressing charges” whatever that means. I guess that’s the opposite of the “stop snitchin” campaign. Anyway, here is the aftermath of it all with Fairplay talking about his injuries and wild Danny Bonaduce saying he was only defending himself.

Good luck with that defense. Hilarious, all around.

– Lake (laughing)

Big Brother 8: Evel Dick…for real

August 13, 2007

This cat Evel Dick is just that, an evil dick. I mean, on the rizzeal, dude needs a stiff ass kicking.

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And what makes matters worse than anything with this dude is that the ‘house guests’ have essentially been forced to deal with this dude’s sh*t since they ‘stood up to him’ last week in keeping Eric because Dick has brought the drama to them!

(look how this chick just takes this from him and nobody even says anything, crazy)

Why does anyone let Dick push them around? What is it that makes them scared of this dude? First off, you’re not allowed to fight in the house, so if you get up in his sh*t, he can’t say anything and won’t. Second, Dick is a certified loser. Homey looks like a degenerate, he’s a rocker who doesn’t rock, isn’t famous (though he’s a groupie errr hangs with them) and doesn’t have sh*t.. He’s a bar manager for goodness sake. I mean, a profession is a profession and lord knows we need bar managers, but Dick walks around like he’s the head of state or something. Like he isn’t a low life who had to come on a reality show to get back with his kid (don’t like her either, but more on her later).

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I mean, how can these people allow some soon to be geriatric run them like that? The only cat who half way stands up to him is Dustin, the softest cat in the entire house? I mean, Dick really gets away with murder in that house, cats should have long since put him in his place…oh and his daughter, Danielle is f*cking terrible. All that whining and nonsense for Nick.

Damn chick, Nick aint even your man! You’ve got a face that’s a cross between the grinch that stole Christmas, Michelle aka the ugly member of Destiny’s child and worse of all, Evel Dick!!!!

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Now take down those fake breasts about two sizes, eat something..anything, unbleach that horrible rat’s nest and put some noxema on that plastic face piece. You’re skin looks like Joan River’s after a martini bender. You are too young to look like that.

And can we stop with all this ridiculous religious freakery by the way?

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It’s crazy how Jameka is invoking God’s name, defending his honor as she’s cursing at Evel Dack, talking about his “mama” and such, then launching into some David Koresh inspired chant, trance, rocking chair bullshit… the only thing worse than Jameka’s bootleg cult behavior is Amber’s “church of the tweekers” brand of faith.

(dude, this was ill, especially that “tweaker” (meth addicts) line from Dick about Amber and her daughter, yikes)

I am glad Dick called them out in principle, but dude, all this is just too much. Dick is a dack. Amber is just damn annoying, and crazy as all hell… Now I see why she cries a lot, chick has been through some sh*t… And Jameka, I mean, why is she so damn crazy? And I can’t be the only one who is uncomfortable with her brand of worship. It’s really weird.. really scary and please, take off the coochie cutters and tuck the titties in before you start preaching.. I mean, I love the tail and enjoy the mammaries, but I can’t sit back and enjoy the only ‘righteous’ thing you have to offer me in this world with all that babbling lip!!!