We know that half of You Tube is filled with teenage girls selling off any hopes at a political future for 2 minutes of potential fame by shaking thier butts to mainstream rap music while dancing in their underwear. All of that is categorically not sexy. I’m talking about the simple things that inexplicably get millions of views. Like this clip of Jessica Alba…it has gotten over 4 million hits on you tube and it is a video of her doing…nothing.
You know someone has stared into the deep recesses of jessica’s eyes like she is a long lost girlfriend who offers no contact except through their long distance webcam relationship. For instance, that video of her staring at you just passed the video of clips of her ass swimming underwater. And I know from experience have heard that the video contains some high quality footage. Now, I know a little bit about our audience here at UvT so I’m pretty comfortable with with what will be the most popular video in this forum.
Here’s another example. I saw this a few weeks ago but didn’t want to post it. The negative arse factor is high, the skills on the hula hoop are marginal at best…but this thing has gotten over 2 milllion hits in just a few weeks.
Not really that sexy. But I guaran-damn-tee that someone pulled this video up at 2am for a little entertainment. That is more action than you get in high end white strip clubs. (I’m from the ATL, black strip clubs are a little different…so I hear.)
So if that is all true. Someone, anyone explain to me why this next video has over 3 million hits without disgusting me or making me lose faith in the state of humanity.
Seriously, why has that video entertained over 3 million people?
Right, I finally realize why these wretched high waist pants are in style. It’s because of Brody Jenner’s lady’s extra high belly button, right?
Damn, now on the right hand side we have a completely irrelevant chick with a negative ass. Next time I’ll airbrush the rest of her body out of the picture so that it can go join her ass in whatever witness protection program it went into, most likely at birth. On the left we have Brody’s lady, Cora Skinner. Now she looks right in that bikini. But I think we need another angle, 1. so we can take a gander at ole girl’s smoothed out midriff and 2. so I can get some conformation on those cave etched hieroglyphics Mr. Jenner has running down his side.
Is it me or is Brody looking a little loose in the middle? That Tat…I don’t know. I can’t tell if I like it or really hate it. At least he kept it simple. I’m just hoping he doesn’t have “Brody” running down the other side. Anyway, his lady looks pretty good.
From the front at least.
I’ll just pretend that this chick has ass, even though we all know she doesn’t. How about this, I’ll post of picture of her washing my errr Brody’s rims last year before she dropped ohh 10 pounds of USDA Grade B tail.
Not buying it? Me neither. I guess you can’t have it all.
With all this talk about sex tapes out there, I figured that we should highlight the true king of the international players. His name is Edison Chen.
Talk about a playa from the Himalayas, not only did this cat slay like every single Hong Kong starlet, he got them all on camera giving him hizzead!! I mean, really hitting them off like it was some jerk jock from a small town High School football team, but these babes are among the best known chicks in all of Hong Kong entertainment and high society.
And in case you’re wondering, they aint ugly. Here’s movie star and singer Cecelia Cheung:
And here’s Cecelia Cheung Edison’s way (The other way – Marlo):
Incidentally, this babe is a DIME!!! Jeez. Here’s Actress Bobo Chan one way:
But young Edison hit it, flicked it and flipped it….the other way:
And just so you know, it’s not that there aren’t other pictures…oh there are NSFW ones of Bobo Chan right HERE, and HERE it’s just that among the 85 shots this cat has of Bobo, this is literally the ONLY ONE I felt comfortable posting on my blog. Pimp or Die, Edison, PIMP OR DIE!!!!
Then we have the lovely and I do mean lovely Ms. Gillian Chung, the singer, writer, actress triple threat who looks like dis:
Oh, that’s fierce baby, and dis:
But my man Eddy had her like dis:
And this:
Then she held a presser apologizing for all this mess where she looked like this:
Damn, even when she’s crying she looks good. I guess the Wu had it right after all.
I mean, the list goes on and on. Some babe named Vincy Chung, Rachel Ngan (by the way, why do they all have American sounding names?), Cathy Leung and some one named babe named Jolin. Oh I know what you’re thinking, “What about Candice Chan“.. Yes, he fucked her too…and he’s got it on film. Jeez, in fact, look, if you want all of this cat’s conquests, just go ahead and download the most recent compilation of all his NSFW pics Here. It’s literally a couple hundred shots of Hong Kong’s most sought after young starlets.
It’d be like if Lake errr Justin Timberlake, who probably has banged out and taped all kinds of hot Hollywood stars, came out with pictures of Britney, Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Biel (stop me any time when I’ve mentioned a chick Justin hasn’t hit.. got dammit!), Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton (gotta drop a lo one in there), Kim Kardashian (Justin had to hit that, right?), Rihanna (sorry, Ri, but if you can’t dance, you can’t cut) and Megan Fox. You name her and Edison has hit, taken and picture and dimed her out to the entire world.
The only problem is that Edison actually did his job too well. See some wild computer technician jacked these pics from his PC when he took it in for maintenance (duh) and it had shots of high powered cat’s fiancee on there and influential business men’s daughters, too. Awwww, you mean there won’t be a happy ending? Ha.. damn, that was unintentional. Anyway, nah, Edison is now a marked man, hell, some wild Chinese mafia cat has placed $90,000 for anyone who can deliver one of Edison Chen’s hands to him.
Maaaaayne, I don’t mess with them Asian thugs. They got that extra look in their eye.. It’s that old school thug twankle of yore that I want no parts of.. Anyway, it seems that Edison wants no parts of it either. Homey went ahead and RETIRED because of this. Peep his rhetoric:
Damn, Edison sounds like a white boy from Exeter. I’m not saying I expected a hot voice over ala Bruce Lee, but he could have at least given me an accent to add to the drama. Oh I see, Edison is Canadian-Chinese, nice. Damn, Eddie, I know some more pics came out with you and some chick named Kira, but stay strong bro. Just look at it this way, you’ll go down in history as the biggest Asian pimp to ever run game. I mean, you had them all and now everybody knows it. Just keep your hands to yourself and you’ll live to pimp again.
Oh and by the way, I’ve taken the liberty of attaching this NSFW video with some of Edison’s work. DO NOT CLICK THIS IF YOU ARE AT WORK. It starts off slow and takes some time to load, but it picks up later and gets very aggressive toward the middle and end. Enjoy.
Look, we’ve talked about Erin Andrews before. Yep, she was that chick we had to call out for the Negative Arse syndrome. So you’d think that’d be the end of it but then I caught her during the timeout at the Penn State v. OSU game the ‘nother night and got to thinking. I kind of hated on her before, but this chick is actually pretty dope. I know, I know, she’s just not right for KFC thigh and tail appreciating Lake, right? I mean, no matter how much you try to change what you see in charcoal grey, you still have to acknowledge what’s going down in orange.
True, not matter what she does, the babe will never look like this:
Whoa, let’s just stop the production for a second. No matter how much I say it, I just have a hard time believing that the rest of you have a full appreciation for how fucking dope Jessica Biel really is. My goodness. This babe is just other word and it’s literally head to pink toe.
So why am I so enamored with Erin Andrews?
Oh yeah, her J game (again Js are breasts) is off the meat cleaver and her face is pretty stupid as well. I don’t know, I guess it’s just in my DNA or a throwback to the Lakey years of yore. I can’t seem to shake the slim white woman with the superior J game and flowing captain caveman wigpiece. I just can’t. Dammit.
And by the way, how tall is young Erin?
Baby girl is literally IN the huddle on this shot. Hell, with Penn State’s horrible squad, she’s probably be an upgrade at shooting guard. Got dammit those Js are sitting on dubbs.. I can’t look at this anymore. WAIT A SECOND: Upon further review there may actually be something more than nothing to that tail. Angle two please intern:
There clearly is no depth to it, but I’m somewhat impressed with the spread game. There may be something there to work with yet. Hey, whatever instinct led me to write this post knew there was something more to her lower half. From the waist up it’s lovely. That is a fact, but we’ll have to keep an eye out for more information on the posterior. Who knows, maybe she’s doing lunges and squats right now.
I’m not a big Wino guy. I don’t really listen to her music aside from the obligatory “Rehab” bridge each and every Club DJ felt they had to hit me with back in 2007, but when I saw this I just had to post it. She gets a few points for going retro Johnny Depp, but let’s face it, this chick is just terrible. Yes she is talented and yes she has done wonders for my strange interest in the Bolivian Marching Powder, but otherwise, what has she contributed to popular culture?
And in case you were wondering, that’s the ole “Not Kardashian” negative arse piece. “Ass so flat you can see it from the front!”
I mentioned a few posts ago that I have a masters in Assology. It allows me to identify a tight booty from 20 paces. I can see it coming, identify it from any angle. Hell, tell me where a girl was born, her favorite food, and two hobbies and I can take a pretty good guess. I love ass. I look at every ass I see. You’ve gotta hone your skills in the field. With Lauren London and Beyonce causing a bit of controversy here at UvT, I decided to let you know how to analyze that ass on your own. Pay attention kids, Professor Hardon is about to lay it down for you.
We’re gonna keep it simple. Let’s just talk about how to identify the various types of ass:
Negative arse:
We’ve covered the negative arse here at UvT plenty of times. It is the easiest to spot, but here’s how to identify the details.
Okay, here’s the back view. I mean this chick goes shoulders to knee with no interruption whatsoever. There is no tuck on the top, no tuck on the bottom. Damn, this babe looks like she might not even have an ass crack. What does that look like from the side, you ask?
Yeah, as I said…you could run your hand down her back trying to cup an ass cheek run right past it. You probably wouldn’t know you made a wrong turn until you feel the back of her heel.
The negative arse babe is really limited to skinny chicks. When a babe with no ass packs on too much weight, you end up with the dreaded muffin top.
Whew. Muffin tops are a real debacle, and that babe has been baking all day. I mean the only reason you even think there is an ass under there is the fact that the waistband of the jeans cuts that back fat off at an arbitrary point. Terrible, these muffin top chicks have to know this isn’t acceptable, right?
Here’s where it gets fun.
Athletic ass:
Let’s start here with Jessica Alba in jeans.
You know the body is tight up under there. She gives you a little hook in the booty, legs stay tight (always key for the ass, thighs and calves play an important role in evaluation. What you see is what you get here.
Clothes on, or clothes off…this is the sweet spot. This is the best a white babe can work toward, it means she was a dancer or athlete at some point. As I said, you can see it all the way through the thigh. That is how you get built up like Biel.
As I said, you can’t trust a White chick with more body than this. You start venturing into Brooke Hogan, Coco T territory after this point. Unfortunately some of the brothers who like the crossover game don’t heed the warnings of Professor Brock and think they’ve found the “thick white girl”, built just like a sister.
In reality you just get “in them jeans” girl who is packed in too tight. An example you say?
Packed and Stacked in those pants ass:
I know, I know, she’s thick right? Naaaaaaah meng. That calf lets you know you are in trouble from the start, by time you get to that thigh with narum a definition you know that those khaki shorts are hiding a dirty secret. I get it, you watch chicks walking down the street and see this:
But you get em butt naked and you get this:
These babes have all kinds of tricks, you gotta know when it is too good to be true! Turn back before you get caught up.
Now there is a level beyond this. The holy grail if you will. As I said, it is a level of ass unachievable by the white woman, the in them jeans babe is a dirty doppelganger of the real deal.
Thick ass:
This is only achievable by black chicks. Sorry, it’s genetics. No fat, just pure muscle covered in silky smooth perfection. Check this:
I mean look how strong she is through the calves and knees, how the back tightens right back up at the top. Pure perfection here fellas.
The lesson should end here today, but there is yet another level. I don’t advocate it but some cats love it.
The Superthick:
Now you know that isn’t right. If you ever need to identify what you’re working with the key is in those knees. You see that extra layer of love on the inside. Stay back. That extra booty fat also shuts down the crease. If you can’t see the back dimples, put down the butt cheek. It isn’t going to turn out well.
I took a lot of shit for my hard-hitting negative ass exposé from back in the day. Still, I pushed on because I really believe that it was and still is an important issue that has been largely ignored by the mainstream media.
Still, some of these babes I run with, they just weren’t feeling it.
“But Lake” they said. “It’s bad enough that society sexually objectifies the female body as if women are objects to be evaluated, critiqued and even treated like currency. Your observations of the female form only complicates the issue as you further perpetuate these prevailing sociocultural attitudes themselves!!!!” My response: AS THEY SHOULD BE!!! My people have suffered far too long with these no ass having chicks.
Bone on bone crime is as serious as any other crime and it should be treated as such! What these chicks should be doing is working with conscientious people like myself to eradicate skeletal butt…for the children. Take Demi Moore for instance. She’s generally regarded as an very attractive, albeit, older woman.
Now see, it’s all good until she turns around and then:
Boom, no ass at home!
I know, I know, some dudes don’t need ass. I’ve heard it all before. My boy told me… He doesn’t work with the ass so the negative ass doesn’t bother him. Nonsense. If you don’t work with the ass, there’s probably something wrong with it…but more importantly, you’ve got something wrong with yourself. THIS is what you’re missing:
(My favorite part of this pic is the hat…Tasena, hip hop model if you need her)
Now that’s a tailpiece. This too..
(Best part of this pic is the intense look in her eyes and that ring on her right pinky finger)
Dats azz.. Ok, just one more…
(My word!)
It’s like Kanye said, “Dog, are yall fuckin kidding?” Forget “shoulders, chest, pants, shoes.” The new mantra needs to be “squat, thrust, lunge, cool…” Do all these thangs and you too can have and enjoy…DAT AZZ. Peace.
Adriana Lima is a Brazilian Victoria’s Secret model and always on everyone’s hot list. Now we like a special kind of woman here at Us Versus Them, so let’s see how she holds up.
Ok, she’s a pretty girl. Brazil generally gives you what you want. This is your basic chick with a little extra exotic flavor. Fair enough. You know UvT likes that A more than that T, so let’s see what else we can find.
We’ve got a slight turn here. Now I’ve got my masters in assology and I know good and well where this is going right now. Those hips and thighs aren’t even setting up right. She is silky smooth like Lake likes ’em though. Let’s move on.
Now see…I told you. She’s up in here packing the Spongebob Squarebutt. That is confirmed negative arse right there. The cameraman isn’t helping her at all either by cutting off her buttcheeks at the bottom. They just look like they might keep travelling down her legs with no crease at all. There might also be some bad photoshop action in there making that line too straight. She’s a cute girl though. I’ll give her another shot.
Okay, at least she knows how to work with what she’s got. She tries to prop it up with her stance, but she’s not tricking old Brock. A for effort on the back arch though.
So why do people love this chick so much?
Oh damn…That is a picture of pure sexy right there. It’s in the eyes, not in the thighs. By the way, does the nipple make it porn or art?
Oh yeah, and just to prove I’m not blind, there is also this…
Now I didn’t even know who this chick was before Lake’s post on her a few days back, but even when he posted it, she looked like about three different chicks in those pictures. So I have to ask…Is Vanessa Hudgens White or Black? Let’s take a look:
Black.
White.
White
Light-skinned black chick.
I’m going to go with Exotic Tanned up White here.
Semi-negative arse white babe.
No evidence here, I just like the uhhhhh, photo composition.
Well the evidence is overwhelmingly obvious, it’s been decided…
Us Versus Them 
