Enough With These Chicks Trying to Be Milfs

Short and sweet on this one (or not), but I’m tired of these chicks out here trying to act like they’re something other than what they are. Take Bridget Moynahan for instance.

Baby girl gets knocked up with Tom Brady’s baby, which is good enough for a middle tier, would be no name babe like herself, but now she’s out here trying to self style herself as a “MILF”?

Say what? Dude, posing in some sexy shit in front of your kids crib aint sexy, it’s sad. Forget calling Brock to tell him how hot this broad looks, I’m about to call Child Services to go pick Tom Jr. up so he can have a safe and wholesome upbringing over at Uncle Lake’s house.

And you just know Tom can’t like this one bit. I mean, he’s got to see his baby’s mama parading around trying to show off that she’s still hot after having his seed? Why not just strap on a “fuck Tom” billboard and tell everyone what you really think of the guy?

If she wants to be sexy and hot, why can’t she do it WITHOUT bringing attention to the fact that she’s a single mother? Why make reference to the kid at all? I mean, there’s no need to be ashamed, but you don’t have to publicize your dysfunctional sex/relationship habits either.

And look at the way she’s pushing that stroller, like it’s something that she NEVER does. I guess that’s what a grip of Child Support can do for a “struggling single mother.”

Using your single-mom-dom as a spring board to rekindle that dwindling career? That’s pretty weak. And let’s face it, Tommy upgraded you with this pregnancy.

At 37, it was the 4th quarter with the shot clock read 15 seconds anyway. I’m not saying the kid wasn’t going to happen, but worse things than having Tommy B’s kid could have happened to you.

I mean, what’s with it with all these mothers who don’t know how to act?

Have some decency. Cover up the enhanced tittays. Read a book, if not for your kid’s sake, your own. I mean, act like a damn mother!

And stop rolling your seed around like he’s a brand new Prada bag. I don’t want to hear these chicks talking about how they’re a “Milf”. You can’t proclaim yourself a Milf, it doesn’t work that way. A major part of the Milf draw is that she doesn’t actually realize that she’s still hot. It’s the fact that she’s moved on to motherly duties, but is still actually hittable that makes her a major draw. Some ole cougar trolling for dudes because her man skipped town aint no Milf.

And Milf-dom is assessed by the potential “fukker” not the “fukkee”. You can’t appoint yourself a Milf, it’s got to be reached by consensus. And if you’ve got to ask if you’re a Milf, believe me, you’re not. Most mothers aren’t Milfs, if they were, we wouldn’t have to single out the ones cats actually want to touch with their ten foot pole.

(Now Mel B. She’s all Milf and then some. She’s MILF’d the fuck out!)

So unless you’re unique, you’re probably just another babe buying diapers at Target. Meaning you’re more likely a “mother F’er I wish would get out my way” rather than a “mother I’d like to F”. Ya feel me?

In closing, until you receive future notice, you aint a Milf to me. You’re just an old cougar who happened to trick at cat into putting one on goal. Now it’s time to own it and raise that kid lest she end up looking and acting like this.

Now get back to work?

– Lake

Mel B. Gets Her Butterface On

I know these pictures are a few days old and fairly insignificant in the grand scheme or things, but I just can’t get enough of Mel B. post baby body.

I mean, I can’t wrap my mind around how this chick bounces back the way she does. It’s no wonder that she keeps a man around. That body is sick. Sadly, equally sick is that dome, but for other reasons.

Yikes!!!! Damn, that everything looks good but-her-face never rang more true. Baby girl, you need to adopt a little bit of that 50 Cent mentality on this sun exposure. Get a tan, I’m already black, thick I’m already that.

It’s not that you don’t look hot with a little sun kiss, because I’m sure you do, but that grill piece can’t take any more sandblasting or it just might fall off. Can you imagine how this babe’s body looked before she had those two kids? Wow. I wonder if those J’s are nature’s best?

Can’t be..can they? Damn.

– Lake

What is Half of Half of Half?

Because that is what Tracy Edmonds will be getting from Eddie long about 2013. Eddie and Tracy were married this past weekend.

Damn, he looks happy now, but you know this isn’t gonna work out, right?  Everybody has a boy like Eddie.  You know, a cat that just can’t get along without a girl on his arm.  Eddie just takes it further than the rest.  I mean, check this timeline.  Eddie just got divorced in April of 2006 after sixteen years and four kids from his wife Nicole.

Now Nicole always had body, especially after four kids, and I know she was supposedly some kind of a model, but that grill-piece was always kinda suspect to me.  She’s all angles.  Right now, the angle she’s working is juicing Eddie for alimony and child support while kicking it with Michael “good for getting jacked for his loot” Strahan.

So Eddie gets the divorce finalized and gets married to Tracey a year and a half later.  All by itself that is a little aggressive.  Let’s not forget this little fact though.

I see you Ed-diiiiiieeee.  Nice one.  Yeah, somewhere in the last year and a half Eddie got with, impregnated, broke up with, had a baby with, said “It wadden’t me”, failed a paternity test (unlike this guy), and ignored Mel B and his child.  Eddie must have that Holyfield level fertility.

So let’s get the math right.  Eddie has to cover Nicole and the four kids.  Mel B is sure to get some child support any day now, and now he is married to Tracey…who has two kids from Babyface.

I wonder if she left him over that shirt.  If she didn’t, she should have.  Let’s not forget that Babyface cheated on Tracey back in the day and had to write “Never Keeping Secrets” to get her back.  Hot make up song though.

Back to Eddie.  Homey, how are you going to support all of these people?

Damn man, I don’t know either.  That questionable look in Eddie’s eye reminds me, Eddie has had some issues in his past.  You can definitely get a line on his type of woman.  Nicole, Mel, Tracey…all light skinned, tall, stay in the limelight and around famous men.  I see your game Eddie.  But there are a few others:

Michael Jackson has tall and light skinned covered.  Hmmmmmmm.  This picture is my evidence that something ain’t right.  Let me tell you something, if Jacko ever got that close to me…that cat is getting straight punched in the chin implant.  Then there is this:

That young lady…errrrrrrrr…dude is the tranny that Eddie just wanted to give a ride out of West Hollywood a few years ago.  Let me get my checklist:

Light skinned: check

Tall: check

Like rich, famous people: got with Eddie – check.

Yeah, Eddie was trying to give her a ride all right.

So Tracey, a piece of advice.  Don’t go anywhere close to Eddie’s junk unless you are ready to join Halle Berry, Christina Aguilera, and Jessica Alba in pregnancy.  When Eddie starts trippin’ in 2013, take it from Umfufu.  Get your half.

Half of whatever is left that is.

-Brock

Classic Material: Harlem Nights

“Stop it…stop it, don’t shoot that little mufucka no more…”

It really doesn’t get any better than that. From Arsenio shooting Junior, to that hilarious, “you broke my noise…man,” to “oh really, the only way you going home is shot muthafuckaaaaaaaaah…” It’s just all good. Can someone please let me know what happened to Eddie Murphy?

Oh yeah, that’s right.

– Lake

Mel B: In Case You Forgot

She still just had a baby. And yes, she is still bad as hell.

Man, that “Dancing with the Stars” diet is real. I asked one of the interns to get me a close up view.

Damn. It is tight up close too. Nice work. I know there have been rumors, but this is the best evidence I’ve ever seen that would cause me to question Eddie Murphy’s sexuality.

I don’t know why UPS keeps asking the question, I know exactly what (Mel) Brown can do for me.

-Brock

Mel B. Watch: Ooooh Weeee!

The Lawd is good…he knows what I want!

Now Brock was peeping Mel B. back in the spice girls phase back when she had crazy hair and those big ridiculous boots, and she was still bad as hell.  Now I don’t know what Eddie did, but two kids later she’s better?  How the hail did she get here?

My Goodness.  It’s tucked in so tight.

Yeah.  It’s tucked on the right side too…

Now we’ve already established that UvT is full of men that appreciate the tailpiece, but she’s trying to make a brother change his religion.

Even when she walks it out she stays tight.

Look, I don’t know about that high heel/leg warmer combo she’s rocking right now, but it works for me.  Just tell her boy to stop wearing those terrible azz “super deep-super smedium” extra v-neck shirts and they might have a shot.

They might actually make me watch Dancing With the Stars this season…

OK, you know that isn’t going to happen, but I’ll tivo it just in case a booty cheek pops out on live TV.  Now I would watch if they had Mel B. dance with that Cheryl babe.  I couldn’t miss that.  My only question is, if you put that much thickness in one place, does it rip open the time-space continuum and create a black hole?

Sorry too many thick women for a Friday afternoon…Help me please!

-Brock

Mel B. watch: The hottest baby mama ever

Dude, is it me or did Mel B. just push Eddie’s baby out 4 and 1/2 months ago?

Since that time she has called him out, got Maury Povich to verify that Eddie IS THE FATHER, got her $$$ from Eddie on the suit tip and supposedly got married to some Bison Dele dude who she had been dating for 4 months.

I guess when you’ve got all this dough and great genetics, you can afford to spend the time to look like she does. But my word, how in the hell does she do it. And I just saw that she’s got an older daughter too?

Two kids, one a few months ago and she bounced back like that? I can see why Eddie was all over it.. Man.

Baby Mama Drama: The curse of Mel B.

We’ve been meaning to get back to this Eddie Murphy thing for a while now. Let me just preface this by saying that Eddie is my favorite comedian of all time. Think about it, he’s hilarious in stand-up, he was absurdly hilarious on Saturday Night Live, he’s put together classic movies, hell, dude can even sing. Bottom line, Eddie Murphy is a once in a lifetime talent. With that said, Ed has had some bumps in the road on the personal life front. We don’t need to get into that too too much here, but the latest issue bears mention.

Oh damn. Now I understand how and why a dude like Eddie gets with Mel B. to begin with. She’s got the accent. She’s got a little swagger with her pop start status, the hair..oh yeah and then there is this:

ohh we. I can’t lie. Her body is on point my friends (and that tail piece is strong in all the right ways)

This was a picture of Mel B. in 2006, looking reaaaally right on that beach. I guess some babes are just blessed, but how could Ed take Mel from there to here?

Arrrgh, listen, I know child birth is a blessing and “the glow” is supposed to be real, but as a dude you can play that cat song “You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful it’s true….” as many times as you want and it still aint gonna make this look right. Especially when you consider what she used to look like. I can’t lie, when I saw these pictures, I just couldn’t believe how Eddie let himself go down this path. Then he tried to deny the kid was his… umm, so tough. No benefit there, especially when Maury hit him with that “Eddie, you ARE the Father!” So tough. But now Mel B. is just acting up.

First she’s parading the seed of Eddie all over town. Taking all kinds of wild pictures. Talking about super rich Ed is a deadbeat. I mean, really giving him the business in order to raise her profile ala Brynn Cameron, Matt Leinart’s Baby Mama.

Then she went off and got married to some Byson Daily looking dude which is completely random and now they’re both making the rounds on the talk shows and celebrity mags. Shameless man… I can’t tell you who is worse, her for pimping out her child at Eddie’s expense or this random dude for being Mrs. Scary Spice B. I mean, who is this cat and why is he posing as if it’s his kid (now I see why Eddie wanted the paternity proved).

I can’t lie though. Mel B has bounced back and in a major way. Look at this pic of ole girl looking almost pre-baby like on the beach.

I don’t know who it is, but her nutritionists and trainers really got their sh*t together. Babe just had a kid and she looks like this? Wow. And with every tabloid shot, every pose with his kid, Eddie is just getting bad chick karma. Ed, you’ve got the kids and all the women you could want…how could you make a mistake like this and not wrap up? Wow. My man Ed…

– Lake

Eddie’s paternity test results are in!!!

Mel B: The child is bloody ‘is. He’s a wanka for denying me baby!!

Eddie: I don’t know who baby that iz ‘Murry’. It’s too light, that’s not my hairline and I don’t make no little girls, everybody knows that.

Maury: The results are in! When it comes to 2 month old Angel Iris MURPHY Brown, Eddie, you ARE the father….

Mel B: I tole you, I tole you… now whut..whut fool, whut!!!

—

He’s the father!!!! He’s the FATHER!!!! Hallelujah! Maaaayne, truth be told, other than soon to be paid Melanie Brown, nobody was more happy to find out Eddie a. wanted to take a shot and then b. actually was able to score on goal, than us. I mean, let’s face it, Eddie has been on not so DowLow gay watch for about 10 years now. That’s not something you just walk off like a charlie horse either. Consider the evidence:

Exhibit A – Suspect photo ops

Eddie’s album cover for a version of his hilarious album, Comedian, nuff said.

Exhibit B – Shady comedic content

Call it a Dave Chappelle, R Kelly Piss on you moment, but anyone who is a fan of Eddie and his comedy would have seen this gay thing coming like we did. Look at his jokes. Incessant gay parodies of Mr. T, the Honeymooners and Jacko, all kinds of extra talk about “f*ggots” looking at his arse, all too convincing mimicry of gay mannerisms in Beverly Hills Cop and those tight leather outfits? Come on, the list goes on and on.

Exhibit C – Jacko affiliation

Look, at this point, any affliliation with crazy ass MJ is a little freaky. We’ll let Eddie slide with his “party all the time” stint with the superfreak Rick James, but we just can’t overlook Micheal. Sorry Ed, but this one sticks to you.

Exhibit D – Ridin’ Dirty

In 1997 Eddie got pulled over in Santa Monica, CA for ridin’ dirty with a transvestite male prostitute named “Shalimar” in his ride. Eddie says this about the incident:

“I love my wife and I’m not gay. I’m married with three children. I’m not going to be out there screwing hookers off the street or anything like that. I’m just being a nice guy… I was being a good Samaritan. It’s not the first hooker I’ve helped out. I’ve seen hookers on corners… and I’ll pull over… and they’ll go, ‘Oh you’re Eddie Murphy, oh my God,’ and I’ll empty my wallet out to help.“

The grown ass man in Eddie’s car named Atisone Suilei was arrested and Eddie was let go. He said it was all a big misunderstanding even though the area he found the “chick” in was known for transvestites… Sure you’re not a homosexual (only true Eddie fans know that line).

Exhibit E – Uncomfortable Bro-mance with Johnny Gill

According to Johnny’s ex lady, Eddie and Johnny’s relationship was a little too much for her to handle:

“Johnny and I broke up earlier this year after I became curious about his friendship/relationship with actor/comedian Eddie Murphy,” she said. “Johnny and Eddie have always been very close friends, but I could not compete with their relationship. It was strange…I can’t even explain it.”

Neither can we.. Terrible.

All in all, we’re happy Eddie is officially having sex with women. If nothing else, that at least puts him into the bi catagory, which we’re sad to say, is an improvement after Eddie and his fine wife split in the wake of Exhibits A through E. Now we can trust that Tracey Edmonds relationship we’ve been seeing.

Good to have you back Ed. You’re a funny muthaf*cka.