Is Janet Jackson Still Bad?

Here are some pics from her new concert:

She’s still got the dance moves…

Her side profile game is tight.  Got a nice little tuck in there.  Those calves are thick on em too.  Although I’m starting to think that waist plate is as much functional as it is decorative.

Awwwwwwwww.  What’s up with the knee brace game?  That ain’t sexy!  It’s over Janet, I can’t believe it’s really over.  What about the good times we had?  The Rolling Stone cover.  Your freaky “velvet rope” period.  It was so good.  I’m just going to pretend you still look like this…and that this picture wasn’t photoshopped.

Yeah, that’s how I like it baby.  By the way, I don’t care if she’s lost a step…Jermaine Dupri still ain’t hitting it right.

-Brock

Ugly Chicks Wanted in the Outback. Bonzer!

This is a great story.  The Mayor of Mt Isa Canberra, Australia just sent out an APB.  You see Mt Isa is a mining town and the mayor believes they have a shortage of ladies.  So he figured he’d go for the low hanging fruit.  He’s inviting all the ugly women of Australia to his little town.  Here’s a quote.  “With five Blokes to every girl, I suggest the ‘beauty disadvantaged’ women should proceed to Mt Isa.”  Way to soften it up with the euphemisms.

He’s just looking out for the fellas.  He really thinks he’s performing a public service here.  Here’s another quote.

“Quite often you will see walking down the street a lass who is not so attractive with a wide smile on her face. Whether it is recollection of something previous or anticipation for the next evening, there is a degree of happiness”

Hilarious.  He’s basically saying, “if you can’t find a man and get laid in whatever part of Australia you are in, come on out to Mt Isa and get banged out.  I’ve seen ugly women walking down the street happy to be here.  wink. wink. nudge. nudge.”

He’s like a Mayoral Pimp.  Seriously, he’s basically selling sex to the entire continent.  Now that the story has broken worldwide, I’m sure there are a few infrequently viewed ladies on match.com researching tickets to Mt Isa right now.

Bonzer!  I have no idea what Bonzer means, they just have it in the menu a lot at Outback Steakhouse so what the hell.

-Brock

Inside the Polygamist Cult: Someone Call A Stylist!

The news about the polygamist sect in Texas that had all of their children seized last week is national news for a lot of reasons. They all live in one big compound. The men take several wives. A sixteen year old called to say that she was pregnant and had beed forced to marry. It is really a wild situation all around.

Here’s my problem. Why do all the women look like this?

Let’s start with the obvious things. The prime polygamist apparently sent down a decree that told everyone to grow their hair out long and swoop it to the right in what I like to call the Vanilla Ice style. One of the women was asked by Meredith Viera why everyone wears their hair like that on the today show and her response was “we all like to grow it long and we like this style”, which is code for, “bitch, don’t ask me no question like that. Don’t you know I’ll catch an ass whooping when I get back to the compound behind that question?” Second, who got the deal on the big shouldered 80’s style blue cotton? What’s the point of having lots of women if you are going to dress them all like that? Who made the unibrow rule? And the sect HQ is clearly a no makeup zone. Hey, I’m not even a make up dude, but all of these women look like they’ve gotten hit with whatever the opposite of Botox is.

Here’s my thing. I contend that there are always women who you can tell just need a little help and they would be bad. You know, they’ve got some ass under those terrible clothes. If they got their hair done or lost 10 pounds, they would be bad. You know, those babes in college that could leave for a summer, marinate, and come back bad as hell with tail and j’s popping out of nowhere. I’ve seen countless pics of these women, and haven’t seen a single woman that I could tell every guy looked at and said, “I want her to be my fourth wife. This chick on the left might be working with something…but I only say that because her grill is completely covered by her hands.

I guess the outfits are inspired by the 50’s. Here’s my thing. I can look at a picture of a woman from the 50’s and know that if you threw her in some Seven Jeans and a sexy top and she can get it.

See, turrible shoes and hair that looks like she might have actually been wearing that ridiculous hat right before that picture was taken. But she’s got the face, J’s and thighs. Throw her in some modern gear and that ain’t nothing but Lindsay Lohan.

Meanwhile all the men in the sect dress like this:

Dockers and a button up? Now see, that ain’t right. They could at least keep it real and dress like the amish. You can’t make your women look like frankenstein shouldered stepford wives and you get to roll like everyday is casual Friday. If your women are going to look fucked up, you should look fucked up too.

Look, if I ran a polygamist cult, I’d have to get down like Hef. Here’s my dress code.

That’s how polygamy should be done right there. What’s the point of having multiple wives if they are all built like 15 year old boys, look 10 years older than they really are, and are all ugly as hell. That’s like going to an all you can eat buffet where all they serve is uncooked, unseasoned tofu. NO one is signing up for that deal.

-Brock

Playgirl Magazine Wants Eliot Spitzer

LOL… Jeez. This is just so sad for my home state Gobner. Like seriously, I can’t take it anymore. According to Playgirl.com, they’d like to do an All Nude Eliot Spitzer spread with all the fixins. But I know a way to save them the trouble.

Satisfied ladies? OK, now I’m embarrassed. Meanwhile, the legend of Ashley Alexandra Dupre grows. Supposedly she was so wild during her Girls Gone Wild shoot that the camera crew dumped her.

You know you’re really whoring it up when those cats think you took shit too far. Poor Silda. Jeesh.

– Lake

Spitzer’s Pro Shows Some Shake

I didn’t put this up before because of the terrible background commentary and because I was really waiting on the clean video to drop. But the people have spoken and they want to see what ole Ashley Dupree is working with. Well, plenty…

Damn, ya think ole girl would be good at what she does? I’m not certain, but after that I think we can all safely say that we understand what Sisqo (by the way, who names themselves after a bootleg, terrible ass liquor?) meant when he said “I like it when the booty go dada dada” in the Thong Song. Lordy.

Larry Flynt take the wheel…. And yes, I know that Joe Francis, owner of Girls Gone Wild, offered her a cool $1 Million for a nude expose before he realized that he had the chick in his ho archives. Ohhh, so close.

Look, if the babe wants to make money, I’ve got the perfect idea. Hire a Eliot Spitzer look-a-like who can’t act a lick. Do a full on re-enactment of the whole ordeal, I mean from the wire transfers to the reservations to the phone calls and train rides to the sex acts. Do the whole thing up.. And then just market that bitch like a mufucka with Ashley and Fake Spitz as the stars. Don’t tell me EVERYONE won’t watch that. Sheeeit, if they do it right, every degenerate porn addict will have it permanently enshrined in their voluminous collection. But you have to give it a cool title like, “Swallow then Spitz.” Ha, ok, that title is terrible, but you get my drift. But the full-on porno re-enactment is coming. Just wait. Once she squeezes every single dime out of the “legitimate” money making options like her memoir (can a ho have a memoir?) and talk show appearances, then she’ll get back to what she does best.

Exploiting her body and whoring the place up for a cheap buck. I can’t lie, the babe is pretty good looking. We’ll link up that porno when it comes out because we all know it will. And when it does, I want my cut for the idea.. On second thought, yall can keep that money. Even a certified arse like me has his limitations. Keep that ho money.

– Lake

Is Mariah Carey Bad?

Mariah Carey has a new album coming out and this is how she decided to promote it. A few weeks ago she let people know her breast implants were still in full effect.

Shirt tight, chain disappearing into the dark abyss of her cleavage, hands actually pulling the shirt OPEN. Real subtle Mariah. Wait, those aren’t implants you say? Please.

Well I guess that wasn’t moving spins on the radio because she went on and broke out the full monty with a well placed magazine and wine glass.

Well hold on a damn minute now. That is the stomach of a damn 22 year old. Hold on while I google something right quick…

..and I’m back. Mariah was born in March 1970, which means she is hitting 38 in a few weeks. What the hell? Now I know Mariah was not that tight a few years ago. I mean this picture looks candid, but does she have a personal photoshop paparazzo that follows her around? Well she needs to keep them around because she is looking great. Intern, can we dial up another angle?

Damn, it is tight over here too. Come on man, something ain’t right. Those lines are too clean. Is my mind playing tricks on me? Whatever is going on, Mariah is still out there working hard. I don’t know if it is in the gym, under the knife, or in the retouchers computer, but she’s working somewhere.

-Brock

============Update=============

She’s bad alright, but it’s bad meaning bad not bad meaning good, ya dig? I can’t lie though, she’s kinda CrazySexyCougarlicious in that white blouse. I don’t know, there’s something about some large Js in a tight button down, it kind of trumps everything else for me. Man, Mariah really fucked herself up. I like Vision of Love Mariah.

That Mariah gave you everything you needed, but not too much. I don’t know, there’s just something about the fake J game that isn’t right. I mean, it’s literally like the steroid era in Major League Baseball, it’s just fucked up the UvT pastime. Hell, she aint been right since she made that remix with ODB. In fact, let’s go ahead and run that joint for kicks.

Don’t get me wrong, it was a hot song, but everything was down hill from there on out.

– Lake

——————UPDATE—————————–

Damn Lake.  Do we need to have a staff meeting?  First you give Mario a pass for banging out that video chick, now this.  Hey it was a question.  Mariah’s stomach is as tight as Beyonce’s in those pictures so I threw it on in the lab.  I don’t understand what is happening.  Show me that ass and I’ll tell you the real deal, but stomach and J game is your area of expertise.  The bottom line is this…is it real, or is it Mammorex?

Kelly Rowland + New Breasts = Playboy Shoot

Dammit, how did I miss this one. I should have had this post up way back in January. It makes perfect sense for Kelly to “Throw some C’s on that b*tch” en route to a Playboy shoot.

I must say, that concave stomach piece looks about right…

Damn, I didn’t even know that Kelly was big time enough to get love from Playboy. Man, I don’t know, but I feel bad about this. I mean, Kelly is clearly a grown woman and all, but she was always the quietly cute member of Destiny’s Child.

Ya know, she was kind of like that one chick who you peeped and knew was hot before anybody else. The kind of chick that didn’t have the weave and didn’t need to be out front. Guys know what I’m talking about, you see that talent in the babe before she sees it in herself and you know that it’s just a matter of time before she gets turned out….uh, so you try to beat the wolves to it! But eventually you know that you’ll be sitting there as the inevitable transformation occurs. It starts out cool. Sexier gear, a little more confidence…

Next thing you know she’s rolling in the whip with your campus or neighborhood version of R. Kelly with “Pee On You” blaring out of the speakers… That girl is Kelly and that “Pee On You, Remix” is this Playboy shoot….WTF?

You know how you get invested in a chick and just see their terrible life choices and wonder why? Again, this is Kelly. I mean, just because Lindsay took off her gear in that “artistic rendering” doesn’t mean you have to pimp yourself out to promote your album. Or does it? I know, I know, you won’t be doing anything you’re not comfortable with, you know the photographer and wouldn’t do it if anyone else asked you to, you have complete control and creative input and everyone is just so great, professional and classy over there at Playboy.

It’s just a bad idea. People won’t look at you as a sex symbol, they’ll look at you as a hizzoe who laid down for a seedy skin rag. I know, I know, plenty of big stars did it. Right, but exactly ZERO A-Listers ever do it because they don’t have to.

And the enhanced cans don’t mean that now all of a sudden you can or should bear all.

Damn, this alleged breast addition just happened in early 2008, can’t you wait until the swelling goes down before you start taking it all off? And if you were going to make some improvements, why not your ass piece?

People would just assume you’re getting naturally thick, but it’s fairly obvious that those breast-tah-sis were not made by “the Hugh Heffner on High”…ok?

Shyut, I like the old Kelly.

Smooth in that mid section yall. I mean, she could really get it. Don’t get me wrong, because she can still get it, but it’s just for different reasons now. With that said, we’ll have those Kelly skin rag pics as soon as they come out. Don’t worry about that.

– Lake

Funny, But Not What You Want

Check this chicks t-shirt.

This T Shirt is hilarious, but you can never complain if she doesn’t break you off in bed. You can’t say she didn’t warn you ahead of time. You gotta love the playfully ironic self-exploitation.

-Brock

I suppose that there may be ten or so of you who may not know this reference. As a reminder, here’s a link to the original line from “Full Metal Jacket“. Even better, here’s is the song that sampled and made the line famous, 2 Live Crew with “Me So Horny”.

This Is What You Get When Your Girlfriend is a Comedian

Sarah Silverman made an announcement on her boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel’s show last week.

Matt Damon rocking the rodeo move in the “hip hop breakdown” is hilarious.Is Sarah Silverman hot?

Yes? A little J, a little thigh, stomach seems tight although I always assume the Maxim magicians are at work.

No? Something in there ain’t quite right.

I think she gets bonus points because I believe she is a huge freak.

Yeah, she gets bonus points for that. An extra bonus point for that tail piece tucking in on the bottom too.

-Brock