Are You Ready For Some (Fantasy) Football?

That’s right people, the drought is almost over.  I’m not talking about the lakes in Georgia and North Carolina.  I’m not talking about tropical storm Fay working over Florida.  I’m talking about the fact that Football season is coming to improve Sportscenter so we don’t have to suffer through baseball highlights every night, and I can’t wait.  In fact, I’ve already been watching preseason.  Side note, if you have HBO, you’ve got to peep that Dallas Cowboys “Hard Knocks”.  Here’s the best part of Episode 1.

You gotta love that T.O.  He blazes Pacman errrr Adam Jones on a double move and Pacman starts complaining.  T.O. just hits him with “Hell, I’m working on my shit”.  That is why you gotta love T.O.  Sure it has been two years so he is due to try to blow up the Cowboys any day now, but as long as Wade Phillips is smart enough to keep T.O. as a central part of the offense, maybe eveything will be fine.

Anyway, back to the subject, the Us Versus Them fantasy football draft was last night.  It is a 12 man league, most cats come to the table prepared, we even ran the big board.

(white woman not included)

but of course we have all the fantasy football stereotypes.

Not Prepared Guy:  This is the asshole that shows up with a list with the top 50 players on it, some pocket lint, a pack of twizzlers and no fuckin clue what he is doing.  You gotta love and hate this guy.  You love him because it means he’s going to clear out some bullshit players and you are going to come up on some cats you might not have had a shot on.  Then you hate him because he ends up trying to jack your resources once he realizes he doesn’t know anyone who plays football other than Tom Brady, Randy Moss, T.O. and Ladanian Tomlinson.

Best Player Available Guy: You always feel bad for this dude.  There is always one cat drafting in a position where he never really gets to player he wants so he ends up settling for a player that isn’t quite as good.  Then suddenly he looks up and his entire squad ain’t shit.  You know, waiting for Drew Brees and ends up with Derek Anderson.  Wants Marion Barber and ends up with Willis McGahee.  This guy actually knows what he’s doing, he just can’t catch a break.

The “Is Adrian Peterson Available?” in the fifth round Guy:  No.  No he’s not.

2006 All-Star team guy:  This is the cat who is semi-prepared but always falls for the big name.  Unfortunately he ends up taking cats who were hot two years ago.  You know Matt Hasselbeck, Rudi Johnson, Marvin Harrison, takes Adam Vinatieri in the 8th round.  Just generally messing up.

Overprepared Guy:  This dude is running algorythms and peeping bye weeks for the entire 15 rounds.  Listen player, it is round 13.  It isn’t going to make or break you if you are going to pick up your handcuff RB or a shitty backup TE mmmkay?  Just pick.  You aren’t a damn clairvoyant, and fantasy football is 50% luck and alchemy anyway.  Just order another beer and have a good time.  Thanks.

Always Fucking Up Guy:  This is usually Lake, although he put together a strong run this year.  This is the cat who’s computer can’t connect.  His phone drops.  Slow to pick.  HIlarious.

Drafting Last Guy:  This year this was me.  I don’t care what anyone says, there is no advantage.  It sucks.  Ok?  It sucks.

Anyway here’s my squad:

Peyton Manning

Randy Moss

Michael Turner

Ronnie Brown

Vincent Jackson

Chris Chambers

Bears Defense…awwwwwwwwwww I’m fucked.  I don’t even want to go any further.  I told you it sucks to draft last.

I’ll be watching my NFL Sunday Ticket in the man cave.  So I can watch my downfall in HD with all the games on simultaneously.  At least I’ll enjoy myself.  Can’t wait for the first big hit.

Football season baby, let’s go.

-Brock

Newsflash: ‘Lovable’ Farve Was a Dick All Along

Hey, you can’t say I didn’t warn you.  I called it back in the day.  Yep, yet another media creation of a “good guy” one of “their guys” gets exposed for what he really is:  A dead up asshole.

I mean, look at the smug look on that cat’s face in the midst asking for a trade a full 24 hours after he was reinstated.  The balls on this fuckin’ guy!

“He just loves the game,” they say.  “He has a passion for winning,” they cry.  One of the greatest Quarterbacks to ever play the game.”

“Hardworking”

“Stand-up”

“Dedicated”

“Passionate”

Sure…How about drug addict, probably can’t stand to be around his wife and kids and thus un-retired, and classless ingrate who is literally biting the hand that’s been feeding him for over a decade now.

But let’s not forget, Brett has fucked up in the past.  You just never hear about that.  And when he fucked up, they found a way to fix that too.  “Brett’s a gunslinger, that’s what he is.”

If by “gunslinger” you mean interception machine, then yes, the mufucker is a gunslinger. He took that gun and slinged my fantasy football team into the toilet a few years back.  I mean, come on.  Let’s not forget, dude was “addicted to painkillers” and they spun that into his “dedication to the game he loves.”  Riiight, either that or dude was a junky.  And let’s not forget that he initially refused to help mentor Aaron Rodgers when he first arrived in Green Bay. I know, I know, that was all about his “passion to compete.”  Riiight.  Of course that’s it.  And when TO complains about McNabb or Jeff Garcia, he’s “a cancer in that locker room.”

Give me a break.  I bet you that dickhead Joe Buck has his entire staff researching how this entire fiasco is somehow the fault of Randy Moss, Deion Sanders and Terrell Owens.  Pleez.  Brett’s just another asshole who was finally put in a position to show us all his true colors.  Just like Roger Clemens.

GetTheFuckOuttaHere..

– Lake

TO Uses Pacman at Cowboys Camp

With all the foolishness about Pacman Jones cats really forgot to remember whether or not dude is really that nice at football to begin with. I know he was a big draft pic and all, but TO really got him with this double move, peep it:

A little rusty hey there Pac? Look, it was all good when you were wilin out at the skrip club, whoopin ass, and causing general mayhem back in the day, because we all believed you were good enough to be worth the headache. But don’t let cats realize that you’re just another dude with a bad attitude along with a standard 3.2 year NFL career. Actually, let me get angle two on that joint.

All… Now see, you can’t let TO finesse you like that. The big thing with TO is that he can phys you up and THEN finesse you a little bit too.  Wouldn’t it be terrible if Pacman didn’t get reinstated after all this?  I mean, what is Roger Goodell trying to prove with that anyway?  I guess he’s just giving dude enough rope to hang himself.  Free Pacman I say.

– Lake

Matt Jones: “We Snort the Coke, We Drink the Wine!!!!”

Matt Jones muthafuckas it’s party time!!!

We missed this from last week, but Matt Jones, Jags Wide Receiver and former “good guy” got busted for Coke by the fuzz.

Damn.  Anyway, the 6 foot 8 inch, former Arkansas Quarterback got picked up with two more of his boys while cutting up coke in a car with a credit card.

Genius!  I mean, what can be said?  If you get busted cutting up some coke in public place, we can rest assured that you have a drug problem.  And this just in, Matt Jones says that “it wasn’t him” or better yet, “it’s wasn’t his”..  Ha.  Right, because that defense works for anybody not named R. Kelly or Shaggy.  Hey Matt, unless you’ve sold 100 Million albums, you can’t use that one player.  Nah, that felony yeyo possession charge is gonna stick something serious my man.

Seriously, how wild do you think this cat is?  I mean, he’s big as all hell, cutting up some wild bolivian marching powder in a parking lot and has enough game to play NFL Wide Out.

Scary.

– Lake

Sub-Prime Time? Pacman Jones’ Home Reportedly in Foreclosure

I just got word from my boy Brock that Adam “Pacman” Jones’ two million dollar home is presently in foreclosure.

I actually hate the Pacman Jones bashing because the way I see it, the dude hasn’t ever been convicted of anything and most of these alleged charges are just some unfortunate cats looking to get paid ala Eddie Murphy’s sprained eyes skit in Raw, but I just had to join the haters on this one.

Pac, daaaaamn homey, two years ago you was that maaaaan homey, seriously, WTF happened to you?

And you think dude would have learned his lesson what with all those terrible (and by terrible I mean GREAT) Credit Report Commercials.

“F.R.E.E. that spells free, credit report dot com babee, now instead of playing ball and livin’ phat, my crib is up for sale behind some trifling ass hood rats…”

Look, I’m about as white as it gets, but I still get a kick out of white dudes using “urban slang” in a slightly off key manner. Remember that hot Chicken McNuggets commericial?

“Ketchup and mayo…ketchup and maaaayo, McNuggets, McNuggets WHAT!…dippin it in that BBQ Sauce.” LOL. Maybe I’m a weird cat, but that shit is just funny to me. Oh and what about that garbage ass “freestyle” with this clown at the Taco Bell drive-thru?

Nice, your flow is only about 30 years old though pal. And is there a reason why these white dudes have to look like they’ve never bathed? I mean, for real, Mike D from the Beastie Boys was rhyming like that when Lake was in mink diapers, ya dig?

And you know that all these ads are coming from the same bullshit cat…Just writing rhymes and getting over. Wow, another major digression. Imagine that.

Ok, back to Pac. Somebody needs to tell this cat that this NFL money isn’t all that long lasting, ya know? You can’t be missing a full year of employment when the average lifespan of an NFL career is 3 years deep. And unless they legalize dog fighting or Pac mayne gets his own line of skrip clubs, somehow I don’t see Pac being very solvent a few years past playing. Homey best live it up now. Sure, we all know the story. He’ll lose all his damn money, show up in the XFL, Arena Football, CFL or the Surreal life or something, find Jesus and then he’ll be looking to be a minister/”help youth” not go down the wrong path. I hate to be so cynical, but it’s probably true.

Anyway, I feel for Pac and I hope he gets off to a fresh start out in Dallas with TO and company. Truth be told, I’m rooting for Pacman right now. I’d love for him to stick it in the face of all these haters who just use him to articulate their utter disdain for the un-sold black athlete.

– Lake

Bill Parcells versus Jason Taylor

The Big Tuna has landed in Miami and he still doesn’t play. A few days ago he teed off on Jason Taylor for not coming to voluntary mini-camp.

Parcells says it is because Jason Taylor is a team leader, that his team is working hard without him, that a leader should be there working hard with the team. You know, really trying to build some camaraderie. I know Bill is working hard, but no one has forgotten the fact that the Dolphins were 1-15 last year. Why don’t you work on the other thirty or so problems the team has…you know, a quarterback, people who can catch, a running back who can make it through and entire season, you know…the basics.

Look we all know why Bill is pissed off. He can pretend it is football related all he wants. He’s mad because he thought he was getting this:

Yeah, that is the six time pro bowler and former Defensive player of the year. A straight killer who has been the only gem in a horrible program for a long time. He ended up with this:

A tippy-toeing, back-sliding, bellbottom wearing, ballroom dancer. Listen here Jason, I don’t care that you are in the best shape of your life. Samba shape ain’t football shape homey. Not to mention the fact that everyone had a mental image of you smiling and quickstepping around the dance floor. Don’t you know you just gave the entire league reason to whoop your ass? People will work extra hard against you just so they don’t get beat by the dancer.

Seriously.

That is just turrible right there. I’m with Parcells on this one. Time to get your ass back to the job.

And for the record, all I know about this show is the stills.  I have not watched a single solitary minute of this debacle, but I did overhear two people having a legitimate conversation about how it wasn’t fair to have Kristi Yamaguchi on the show because she was a “ice dancer” who was already like a trained dancer.  I guess JT got robbed.  Whatever.

-Brock

Matt Leinart is Hilarious

There aint much to say about Matt Leinart. I really shouldn’t even post this mess because it’s already all over the internet, but I just have to.

What the hell is wrong with this cat? Is he serious? Matt really is THAT cat who will just never grow up, never get it. Dude gets dissed for not being committed, not being in shape (which is a complete FACT) and just being irresponsible.

So how does he answer to those charges? Riiight, by kicking it with some young chicks from Arizona State?

This cat is playing drinking games with little girls? Matt, you’re in the NFL, you should be getting your swerve on with Client 9 level hoes. Not only that, but it’s not like you don’t already have a kid.

Remember when your old chick tried to take you to the cleaners in court AND ruined your name talking about how you’re a horrible father?

But you’re out here rolling with Nick Lachey and some college babes? Dude, you better have a hot year on the field this year, because your act got old the last time we had some drunken pics of you.

Smarten up homey and strap up with some jim hats.

-Lake

Favre Finally Calls It a Career…Yawn.

This is barely news for me, but I’ll post on it because one of our boys from back in our college days had the audacity to send me a sentimental email on the topic, so I figured I’d just give a quick comment and move on, so here it is: Brett Farve retired, then, jimmy cracked corn and I don’t care.

See unlike some of these clowns out here, I don’t see Brett like this:

Sure, homey was a good QB and you basically had to be an asshole, which I am, to hate on him, but let’s face it, toward the end of his career, 75% of the time he was about as off key as a William Hung solo.

1. Selfishness – While everyone else in the league gets rapped on for being a “selfish diva” which is doubly disrespectful because it’s really just a soft way to call a dude a bitch (They do it to TO, Chad Johnson, Moss), Farve was the epitome of this toward the end. First, dude had the nerve to get miffed when the Packers drafted Aaron Rodgers as if they aren’t supposed to think about life after Favre. Like he wasn’t holding the club hostage after each and every season with this silly talk about retirement. Nilla Pleez!

Then he went out of his way to diss Rodgers, even going so far as to say that he wasn’t there to help another guy develop. Then homey asked for a trade, gave some silly line about having the most talent around him since he’d been there (Reggie White anyone?) and just so happened to retire AFTER he broke a bunch of Dan Marino records he claims not to care about.

What a dick.

2. Interceptions – Has anybody gotten more of a free pass for throwing the most ridiculous interceptions ever known to man?

I know, I know, he’s a good ole gunslinger… A good ole boy who plays like he’s 10 years old, back in the bayou, eatin’ rattle snake and snackin’ on crawfish.

Believe me, I get it. Farve can get a free pass for his horrible decision-making, but with every other QB, that’s a sign of immaturity. Farve is the NFL’s All-Time career leader in Interceptions! Farve was a walking contradiction. A double standard personified. I will miss seeing him throw interception after interception at the most inopportune time, but I won’t miss the fact that it was always glossed over. Tarnished his legacy? That IS his legacy.

3. Man crushes –

God will I EVER be happy not to have to hear all these clowns on ESPN, CBS and Fox talk about “how good Brett Favre is”, how “you won’t find another guy who enjoys the game as much”, how “he just goes out there and plays.” I mean, come on. Brett must be a pretty cool dude to have all these dudes on his nuts like that.

Let’s face it, dude was pretty good but he wasn’t that good. He’s not Joe Montana, he’s not John Elway, he’s not Steve Young, hell, he’s not Peyton Manning or Tom Brady. Dude is good enough to be a Hall of Famer and that’s good, but he’s on the bottom of that list, not the top.  I’m really happy that I won’t have to hear anymore Brett Favre dack riding, so I’m happy to see the boy go and no, I won’t be crying that I won’t see Brett play ever again.

He does enough crying for all of us. Next.

– Lake

Karma’s a bitch: Giants are champs, Pats are not

I don’t know, maybe illegally videotaping your opponent, rocking that ridiculous hoodie all the time, stealing people’s wives and putting them in pimp houses in Brooklyn, never being honest on your injury reports, mumbling with a stoned grill through all your press conferences and running up the score on your opponents this year thereby giving Brock and unwarranted and unnatural upgrade at Fantasy QB wasn’t such a good idea after all.

It’s called Karma my nilla and now it came to bite you in the azz! Oh yeah, you got what you deserved tonight, that we know. The Giants won and pretty much everyone outside the 617 was happy as a result. I wonder what Mercury Morris will have in store for all of us tomorrow.

You know those ESPN executives are on the phone with that cat right now checking out those flights on Orbitz because they need homey on set to run some post Non Perfect Season smack on the Patriots. Let me just give yall a sample of the kind of smack this cat runs.

Hilarious. As I said before, homey needs to be a regular feature on ESPN’s NFL coverage. He’s great.

Anyway, I don’t want to rub anyone’s face in it, but this thing went about as it should have. Again, Karma is a muthafucka and the Patriots have been assholes all year long. Their coach is a complete dick and hey, even Tom Brady got a little dirt under his nails.

Oh and you can stop those “Tom Brady is the best Quarterback of all time” statements any time now. Tom was not sharp today.

Sure, he was bothered by the Giants’ pass rush, but this is the NFL.

He missed a number of key throws to Randy Moss and just wasn’t able to execute when he did have the passing lanes. Cats ride his jock when they win, so they might as well kick him in the nuts now that they lost. Oh and how happy do you think Bridget Moynahan is right now?

You know she’s got little Tommy dressed up in a Eli Manning alternate Red Jersey just making it rain (with Tom’s child support money) on the little guy like confetti after the game.

Damn T, I think you’re an all right guy but you kind of deserved what you got. It’s all good though, you’re the man with three rings already and you’ve got years ahead of you. Make it right homes.

Congrats to the Giants. I didn’t need Plaxico’s waterworks at the end, but hey, cats were talking shit when he guaranteed victory and said the Pats would only score 17 points. Hell, even the humble Tommy B. responded to Plax by saying 1. “Is Plax going to play defense” and 2. “give us a little credit”… sheeyut, seems to me he gave yall too much credit since you only mustered up 14 points.

Given that Plax can’t speak on the topic right now, I’ll do it for him. AND DEN WHAT?!

Finally, how silly does THIS cat look right now?

Damn son, put some clothes on. Ok, how about now?
Anyway, Tiki looks like a real clown right now. I mean, he left the team talking all that “I have other opportunities” and as soon as his ass leaves the Giants start manning up and playing as a team. Sad to say, but both he and Jeremy Shockey were quietly more a part of the problem than the solution. All this talk about Shockey being a “premier” tight end. Really? I can’t tell on the field. Anyway, Tiki and his brother Rhonde look really silly right now.

Michael Vick aint got shit on these two cats. Lol, look at the dog… If he could talk he’d definitely be yelling “Yelp!” (Scooby).

I mean, it’s almost like Tiki lost a championship more than the Giants won it without him. Pretty terrible. Congrats to the fellas… Fire up that “Ballin” song one last time.

– Lake

Jigga, Pacman Not Guil-tee

Well what do you know, that lawyer chick, Wanda S. Jackson (pictured below on the right), who inexplicably found herself trolling for hizzoes errr doing research in an ATL skin bar is dropping her claim that Pacman Jones sucker punched her.

(Now we know why ole boy is looking at her like she’s aint got no sense)

Man, this is what I’m saying, cats are just hating on Pacman. And why wouldn’t they?

(Is that the sign of the Wu on his chest?)

They know that his name alone is pretty much good enough to get a guilty verdict. Only one problem, young Pacman aint been found guilty of anything folks. Free Pacman and let him live his life. Homey aint doing nothing wrong yall…. Randy Moss neither.

– Lake