Archive for the ‘R. Kelly’ Category

Free The Juice: OJ Simpson Trial is Underway

September 16, 2008

Maaaan, fuck it, I’m with OJ Simpson.

That’s right, I said it, I’m siding with the Juice.  Come on now.  I know this is Amurica, so actual Justice and Truff don’t really count.  But let’s face it, Juice was set up with this one.  I mean, how many cats roll up into a spot with some dudes they don’t know to retrieve their stolen memorabilia and just happen to have tape rolling? In fact, roll the tape interns:

Yooo, this is hilarious.  “You think you can steal my shit?”  “Bag this shit up.” Yo, Juice is a funny cat.  Meanwhile, ALL the cats he rolled in with cut deals with the prosecution to turn on the Juice.  Now that aint right.  They tell Juice the dude “took his shit.”  They lead the Juice to the room.  They bring the heat, but Juice is up to go to Jail for life?  How does that work?

Oooooh, that’s right. OJ is being tried for a different crime.  Supreme DickAssness associated with that murder.

Hey, I watched that trial from start to finish.  The state didn’t meet its burden.

I might be the only cat in America who isn’t certain that OJ did it, but I’m not really certain.  What I am certain of is that he doesn’t deserve to go down for Memorabilia Gate alone.  It’s not like he whooped ass, he just confronted some mark ass busters who “stole his shit.”  It was a simple misunderstanding, mixed with a clear understanding that ass tappities could commence if cats continued to play with OJ’s money.  And before yall cats come with that, “I doesn’t matter, he’ll get what he deserves, he’s worse than Osama Bin Laden” AHNT, consider this:

Jigga, Snoop, Juice, Kelly, NOT-Guil-ty!

– Lake

Must Be The Money: R. Kelly is Acquitted on All Counts of Child Pornography!!!

June 13, 2008

Holy shit. The Pied Piper is an elusive smooth mufucka! I guess banging out and pissing on a 13 year old is cool in Chi Town!

Dude, let me ask those jurors a question. If that wasn’t R. Kelly and it wasn’t that babe, then who the fuck was it on that tape? I mean, come on. Let’s go ahead and run that “I wanna Piss on You” in honor of R’s great victory!

You just know that right now R. is on his way back to that Log Cabin room to get some drink, sex, and piss on and then go directly into the studio to record that “Jesus Saved Me/Fuck All You Haterz, But I’ll Pray For You” single that should be out on Monday.

And isn’t that the best part of all these terrible jury verdicts? How the cat who just got over on the system then proclaim that Jesus “hisself” was responsible for the acquittal. Hey, aRa, I”m not the most religious cat in the world, but If there is one thing we do know, it’s that Jesus didn’t want you to bang out all kinds of young girls, hook up three ways, piss on a chick – ON CAMERA-, allegedly pay her off to keep quiet and then walk away whistling the tune to “Fiesta (Remix)” after a bunch of imbeciles let you off scott free.

Hey, Chicago, why stop there? I mean, you need to make R. out like the victim in all of this. You know, pull a Duke Lacrosse so R. can get paid like Reade, Colin and Dave Evans or something. Or better yet, erect a monument in honor of Mr. Kelly and all he’s done for the great city of Chigaco.


– Lake

R. Kelly To Threesome Participant: Stop Snitchin’

May 5, 2008

Man, let me tell yall; nothing in the history of the world will be better than this upcoming R. Kelly Trial.

I just hope that it’s televised on tv. Like, for real. It’s already so good and aint shit even happened yet. Just think about it. First off, the trial already has two damn soundtracks…LITERALLY.

1. That Trapped in the Closet Parts 1-5 pretty much supplies the perfect metaphor for this fool’s life right now. In fact, let’s just go ahead and run that Trapped in the Closet. I’ll hook the link up so that it just opens in another window. LOL.

2. Is that classic “Pee On You” and the “Pee On You Remix“. Lol. Is there anything better?

Said rollin’ around, sittin’ on dubbs
Brock and I wuz high on shrubs
Coolin’ in my escalade
Man I’m paid, I got it made
Take me to your special place
Close your eyes, show me your face
I’m gonna piss on it

Hatters wanna hate
Lovers wanna Love
I don’t really want
None of the above, I want to piss on you
Yes I do, I’ll piss on you, I’ll pee on yooooou

Said your body, your body, is a port-a-potty

Sorry R. Not only is that shit ridiculously funny, but it’s just about THE BEST parody EVER.

Anyway, aRa is coming with the oh so classic and effective “Waddent Me” defense, which is hilarious because if you saw the tape one thing is clear: It WAS R. Kelly.

I mean, if you don’t know anything else, that is completely clear. Like, you could think that piss was digital like Dave Chappelle said. You could possibly think that ole girl wasn’t really 13, but rather she just looked like a young as shit. I mean, you could believe a lot of stuff. But one thing we KNOW for SURE is that R. KELLY IS ON THAT TAPE and he’s most certainly getting his full “Gary Coleman can’t do this” man on.

Anyway, the big news now is that another chick has allegedly agreed to testify against aRa and identify Kelly as the man in the tape, confirm that the chick in the tape actually is who prosecutors think she is (a young ass 13 year old chick with LOTS of experience with the mic) AND, now get this, to confirm that she, also a teenager at the time, the young girl in that tape and “the R” had a THREESOME together around the same time the tape was originally shot.

WOW. I’m not sure if the prosecutors will be able to prove beyond reasonable doubt that R. was the fucker in that tape, but that can’t be good news for Mr. Kelly. He best start composing another gospel album, rocking that Heaven I Need a Hug Prison Remix entitled “Warden, Save Me From Thugz” or something to pull himself out of this one. You know what’s hilarious about all this? The ENTIRE time he was banging out all these chicks and wilin out, R. had a full on wife and kids. Yo, one thing that we know for sure is that R. is a wiiiiiiiild cat. I mean, remember when that fool showed up on TV with his pastor for that ridiculous interview where he suggested that the man in the video might be his brother?!! Just a really wild cat man. I’ll be watching this one very closely. More later.

– Lake

Decent: Flashing Lights Remix feat. R. Kelly

February 7, 2008

I tend to agree with Weezy when he said:

“And you don’t wanna see my bad side, you would wanna be my ally, and I believe that I can fly, not like R. Kelly, he a damn lie.”

Bad Side, Lil Wayne & Juelz Santana

I mean, R. Kelly really is a muthafucka at this point. With that said, dude still makes a great song and he hypes up a song that’s already hot. Which brings me to my current recommendation for your Ipod.

“And I already got my money riiiight, riiiiiiight, riiii-iiiiite!”

Evil genius.

– Lake

R. Kelly trial date set

August 3, 2007

Boy oh boy, after 5 long years the R. Kelly child molestation and pornography case is finally going to happen. The trial date is set for September 17, 2007.


Supposedly, aRa is going to use the “Waddent Me” defense by asserting the claim that he wasn’t the cat in the tape with that young girl. Of course, anyone who knows R knows he loves the young girls (see Aaliyah) generally and CLEARLY it’s him in that tape. We’ll see how it goes. R best go get fitted for some more masks, find some more closets to get “trapped in” and make some more piss on you tapes errrr heaven I need a hug feel good/gospel records.


Oh well, I’m sure everything will work out for Robert as his bishop or whoever that cat was in that tv interview, “God got his back”.

“Jigga, Kelly Not Guil-ty”

Us Versus Them Public Service Announcement: No More Man-on-Man R&B Duets

July 26, 2007

This is a topic that has been bothering me for quite some time. The Man on Man action between these R&B stars. I mean, what makes Usher and R. Kelly think they can get away with this sh*t? R&B is already teetering on the fringe of utter bitchiness as is, so why double the trouble with a song with two men on it? Furthermore, if you poll most R&B fans, they already figure that all yall are either A. gay or B. freaky enough to do some gay sh*t, so why jump on a song with another suspect man.


We let the Rapper/R&B singer duet slide (sometimes that gets carried away too), but unless you’re in a group, I don’t want to hear call and response from two homo-thugs with lip gloss in their hair and texturizer on their lips (and no that was not a dyslexic moment, I meant it how I wrote it)

“Same girl, same girl…. I met her in Atlantaaaaaaa, I met her in Chicagooooooo” (aRa and Usher making me uncomfortable on)

F*cking horrible. And that goes for all Akon/T-Pain songs and that god awful “Umbrella” Remix by Rihanna with Chris Brown, too (which I know is different, but I don’t care, same category). Again, I like the song, well, the original version (though I still say Rihanna can’t dance), and I enjoy Chris Brown generally, but I don’t need to hear you singing in the same key as a young nubile woman.. just a-skretchin, and a-stretchin for them high notes in that upper register… “Come into meeeeeeeeee” Listen to that sh*t, it’s just awful!

And now that I think about it Usher is a 2 time offender! After reading this clairvoyant post, a loyal UvT reader in NYC reminded me of that Ice Box (remix) Usher did with Omarion.. TERRIBLE!!!!

No no no, and like Puff, I don’t want NO INTERJECTIONS! The shit just isn’t acceptable. It’s bad enough we have to put up with boy bands as is, but this stuff just has to stop. Here is a list of cats who absolutely cannot sing on the same track:

Chris Brown, Craig David, Brian McKnight, All of Dru Hill and their known associates, R. Kelly, Usher, Ne-yo, Lloyd, Justin Timberlake, Bobby Valentino, Mario, Omarion, T-Pain (especially not T-Pain’s fruity arse), Akon, the Rza, the Gza, Ol’ Dirty Bastard, Inspectah Deck, Raekwon the Chef, U-God, Ghost Face Killer and the Method.

Nan one of yall can do a duet with any other person on the list, that is, unless Jacko gets a “We Are the World- USA for Africa Part Duex” with half the “artists” rapping their parts. I won’t even allow another Black Men United “You will know”.

(yeah boy, that’s diggin in some crates) and I don’t care what the cause is, because if I’m not mistaken, that was a Tevin Campbell brainchild and we haven’t heard from that fool since he got caught messin with that MALE prostitute. Cats have officially lost their duet and philanthropic privileges. That’s it. And that’s the bottom line cuz Lake said so!

– Lizzake the all powerful