Yawn: The Worst MTV Video Music Awards Ever

Disclaimer:  Since this was the worst MTV VMAs I’ve ever seen, this is perhaps equally the worst post I’ve ever written.  And I’ll tell you why.  It’s really hard to write about something that is so boring, so terrible, just so damn wack.  I mean, it brings you down.  I tried to put a few decent observations, but honestly, this Z minus level show basically ruined my week.  But I wrote it live, so I feel compelled to post.  So here it goes, I can’t vouch for any of it.

So I was hoodwinked into watching these VMAs with the lady with the idea that I would get a chance to see a solid Britney Spears train wreck part deux.  Need I remind you of last year’s showing?

I mean, the cats kept hitting us with that “Britney is opening the VMAs” rhetoric, so I thought I’d be getting something I wanted.  But when they show opened up, it was literally just her walking in, taking her place at the podium and delivering one of the more uninspiring “welcome speeches” I’ve ever heard in my life.  I should have known at that very moment to turn the TV off and walk away.  Surprise, I didn’t.

Damn, on a positive note, is that old school, 2001 Britney?  Damn, I must say, I’m almost impressed, but it can never be like it was.

Damn, that shit is just crazy.  Britney was literally like a LeBron James level talent.  She was ridiculous!

Curses, suddenly I realized that these MTV fools done hit me with the bait and switch.  Here I am, thinking I’m about to see a Sarah Palin-esque, T&A “change” performance from Brit and then it happened.  Awww, some crazy ass Rihanna techno song I don’t like with some middle earth cretins stomping the yard and Rih Rih sitting on high with a 3 story ball gown.

And then right on cue, Rihanna starts showing me what I already knew:  That she’s literally the only chick of West Indian descent on record who cannot dance to save her life.

Then Dark Knight Joker meets Carrot Top came out to host the show.

Say what?  Who is this cat and why are his pants so tight?  The first thing I thought was, “oh, that’s that terrible Jesse cat from that ‘I want to be a vj’ contest back from the dead.”  Then he spoke and I immediately wondered if I was the only one who had finally gotten sick of hearing all these British accents.  Well, at least he kept it real with that “none of you know who I am”..  Ahh, honesty I can finally rally around.  And then homey started cutting into Bush and the Republicans with a bunch of one line zingers:

“I’m for Barack Obama…you recently elected that retarded cowboy fella.”

“In England, George Bush wouldn’t be trusted with a pair of scissors.”

“Use a condom or become a Republican.”

Damn, he’s half funny, like a Sacha Baron Cohen meets the trench coat mafia.  Anyway, to add to my misery, they then introduced some soft looking cats named the Jonas Brothers who had the nerve to start signing.

Who buys this trash?  And who in the hell are the Jonas Brothers?  Oh, the lady says that they’re just Hansen reinvented.  God, this is the worst VMAs ever.  I mean, the crowd is bored, the performers are terrible and even the presenters look disinterested.  So Jaime Foxx, realizing this, came out yelling “wake up, wake up.”  Dude, you know shit aint right when a cat has to tell people to wake up.  I haven’t seen a crowd this stunned since back at Duke when the Ques did the “Pussy Step” with three dudes (total!) at the step show…  You just had to be there, but trust me, it was so terrible that it was hilarious.

I know, I know, the Ques just like to go hard with the bruhs..  ahnt (I said it)

Anyway, so then they started in with “the best female video” and then the lady over in my easy chair made a great point, “why are these bad videos getting nominated for best video”?  And then Britney Spears won.  Say what?  I forgot that she had an album last year.  Then Britney went ahead and thanked God….Which immediately started to make me laugh and then the lady said, and I’m not kidding me, “hey, that’s an AA step”…Jeez.

Has it really come to that?  Thanking God to get off the goose?

Goodness, what a debacle this is.  Then Weezy came out and was fairly terrible.

Not really his fault, rap never does really translate well to a live format.  But he didn’t have to rock the tight sag with the full on drawls coming out the back.  Then Jordin Sparks came out looking like some kind of Extra Large Living Teddy Graham as she babbled about promise rings and being a slut.  Perfect.

Dude, John Legend looks scared.

Anyway, I can’t continue with this.  This was hands down the worst program I’ve ever seen on MTV.  Oh and they topped it off with Kanye’s outdoor contest where he sang, OFF KEY MIND YOU, for an entire song with some Beijing drummers and tight ass suit.

God it was awful.

1.  Dude, singing hooks is one thing, but YOU CAN’T ACTUALLY SING and nobody wants you to sing. Do hot beats, make tricky hooks and make us laughs occasionally.  Just because Andre 3000 sang on his album doesn’t mean you can.  In short, do what you do and stay in your lane.

2.  Please get that wig cut off. Homey aint got a head that can sustain a lot of hair, especially with that temple taper.

Boy, NOTHING went right tonight and in honor of that, I didn’t post shit.  Blame it on MTV…

– Lake

==========Update===========

To add insult to injury, Britney won THREE Moon Men.. THREE.

I mean, I know all awards are basically random and based on zero criteria, but what in the hell is wrong with videos generally, when Brit wins THREE awards for ONE SONG.  She’s not even a relevant artist at this point.  Goodness.  What a joke.

—————UPDATE—————–

I don’t know quite how we got there, but KIR in NV just said that the next time she sees Carrot Top in Vegas, she’s gonna ask him if he likes P-U Double Dolla Sign Y.  Hilarious.  The ladies of UvT really kill it.  Read the comments people!

Palin is a Pitbull in a Skirt

Hey, I pretty much dislike most everything she stands for and she’s lied about Barack Obama thoroughly throughout the entire speech, but I must admit, Sarah Palin is hard and somehow still likable.

I thought John McCain was going away from attacks, jabs, ridicule and overall negativity.  Surprise, surprise, the Republicans are up to their old tricks.

Game on muthafuckers….GAME ON!

Guns, Liquor and Unprotected Sex – Sarah Palin is an American Hero!

You gotta hand it to those Republicans.  They said they wanted a buzz and dammit, they got their buzz.

This Sarah Palin shit is about as good as it gets.  Her selection by McSame W. Bush was met with confusion.

Hell, most of the Republicans I know thought she didn’t have the qualifications to be a Vice Presidential Candidate.  See, they didn’t have their little sound bytes and talking points ready defend Palin beyond pointing out that she likes guns, moose burgers and Amurica.

So when the revelations of how her ineffective policy positions were biting her own family in the ass, you knew it would take them a day or so to figure out how to spin it.  And just like we all knew they would, the Republicans have used some more of their twisted logic to actually spin this Bristol Palin is Pregnant into a positive pro life position that has turned into “Sarah Palin is a HERO!”  A Hero?  Is that what you call a mother who preaches responsibility to your child, but can’t control her own?  Is that what you call someone who tells us just to tell your kids “just say no to dack and cat” but who can’t stop her daughter from throwing so much tail that her friends thought she was pregnant not once, but TWICE?!  Really, are these the actions of a capable “Pro Life” candidate?  I didn’t know getting your freak on in an Igloo with some Captain Morgan in your cup and weed in your lungs was an expression of “Pro Life” values, but you’ve definitely got my attention now that I’ve heard that it could be.  Peep Bristol’s myspace act.

haaaa, I know, I know, it’s just one picture, right?  Hmmm, let’s see if Bristol gets her drink on as much as she gets her spank on.

Oh yeah, wait, is that Genesse Beer?

LOL.  Let me just say that if you take this many pictures in front of liquor and they’ve found their way onto the internet, you aren’t too worried about Governor Mommy Amurica finding out that you sip the sizzurp.  But that’s family values right?  Of course it is.  And enough about this dude Levi and his plans to marry Bristol just because he put one on goal.  I mean, look at the cat.

He looks like Adam Morrison’s Mini Me.

And yes, that is Bristol Palin strapped up with not one, but two gats.  Trench Coat Mafia move over.  What the fuck?  What, they have sex, get their drink on and then do a drive by?  Oh, I know, this isn’t that kind of gun totting, this is wholesome teenage “extra circular” activity, right?  They’re sportsman enjoying the great outdoors by killing whatever they see.  I get it.  And I’m loving those jeans young Levi has on, too.  Very stylish.  Hey Levi, why not start by getting yourself, well, some Levis!  On Levi Johnston’s myspace page, he described himself as “a fucking redneck” and judging from this pic, I believe him.  I just want to know since when have “fucking rednecks” rocked fat laces and an Adam Morrison wig/hat combo?

I know Levi, I’m just an asshole, believe me, you’ll get used to it.  Hey, I’m starting to like these Republicans and their version of “family values.”  Best I can tell, you can do anything you want as long as you say you’re Anti-Abortion and Anti-Gay marriage and it’s just all good.  But just let me get this Republican values system straight.  When I bang chicks out raw dog, which really is the best way, that’s Pro Life.  But when I responsibly strapped up with a condom thereby avoiding an unwanted preggers, that’s not in accord with “Amurica’s core values”?  Well shit, where do I sign up?  I love the Republicans.  They definitely let me know there’s a place for my philandering ass in that “big tent” they have over there.  I even saw John McSame As Bush getting Republican Jiggy with some Pro Life Honeys.

I’m with it.

– Lake

Sellout: Joe Lieberman is a clown

I’m sitting here listening to turncoat Lieberman at the Republican National Convention as he gets this two clap “sexual chocolate” level applause.

What an idiot.  This dude came onto the stage and immediately started to talk about how political parties are hurtful to the democratic process.  Did anybody tell this dude that he was at a political convention?! Now he’s talking about how good Bill Clinton was…haaaaa this is like bizzaro world.  Republicans clapping for Bill Clinton, ones of convention participants clapping for Joe Lieberman…grandma hitting the heavy bag.  The dog taking the cat out for a walk.  This shit is just weird.  What a joke.  I mean, seriously, I’m looking at this dude’s face and even he knows he’s bullshit. He’s got that “why am I here again?” expression too.  I know, I know, John McCain is an independent man, a maverick.

That’s why he picked a “radical right hero” as his running mate, something that was clearly a purely political move?  Hey JOE!  Why are you throwing your support behind Palin, a person you disagree with on abortion rights, gay rights and pretty much every other social issue.  You don’t even know her and she has no experience of your oh so important “war on terror.”  You’re a phony and a piece of shit!  Hopefully you get what you deserve when your punk ass gets back to Washington or Connecticut, or wherever you go.

Fucker, beat it.

– Lake

Republican Family Values: John Mac Chooses Ice Milf With Issues

Who knew so much could happen over such a short period of time. I’m a bit behind given my 5 day weekend and you’d essentially have to be living under a damn rock to have missed this, but to counter Barack Obama’s 38 Million Viewers on Thursday night, John McCain announced Sarah Palin as his running mate.

Jeez.  Where do I start?  When I heard they picked the Governor from Alaska, I was pretty much shocked, then confused, then honestly, I just laughed. One thing I really appreciate about the Republicans is how disrespectful they are to those whom they claim to actually represent.  It’s not that they think Americans are stupid, they KNOW we are and continue to act like it.  In some weird way, I like that about them.  But even most of my Republican friends admitted to me that they didn’t see this Harriet Myers special 2.0 coming.  Sarah Palin?  The chick hasn’t been in the Governor’s mansion for more than 20 months and already she’s under investigation for trying to fire her sister’s ex hubby, but she’s “Ready To Lead Amurica with integrity”?  Puulease…  I mean, who’s running that campaign over there, the Tranny from I Want To Work For Diddy?

First, Barack Obama starts whipping your ass in the polls, so McCain and company put their thinking caps on and come up with the concept that he’s “too popular to lead.”

Perfect.  That makes sense.  A cat who is trying to gain in popularity so he can win an election is now getting criticized for being popular.  I completely get that.  Next they cook up this tasty VP choice which is one part Republican Family Values play, one part Hillary Femi-Nazi pandering.

Right, because those pro Hillary women aren’t going to get that Palin basically stands in stark opposition to each and every position Hillary Clinton holds.  Nah, they just care that she’s rolling with breasts and a vagina….Come on now, she’s Pro Igloo, Anti Abortion Rights, Anti Sex Education (even though her daughter takes more Nordic Dack than a female Moose in heat), Pro Winter, Anti Seal and Pro Gun!  How’s that going to motivate Hillary Democrats?  Oh no, I know, they think that men are suddenly going to forget that they’re sexist and vote for her because she’s got such solid Milf appeal, right?

(Maybe it’s just me, but something aint right about this chick in the eyes)

And hell no I’m not impressed that she was the second runner up in the “Miss Alaska Beauty Pageant” back in the 80’s.  She’s decent looking, no question, but did yall see who actually won the crown that year?

Let’s face it, it’s Alaska.  The standard aint that high.  Borat had tighter hoes back home than Carlos Boozer ever saw before he went to college.  Plus, the babes have to stay inside half the damn year.  Trust me, they aint just burning whale blubber and eating baby seal to keep warm, either.  Shoot, I knew a chick from Alaska in college and all she wanted to go is get freaky.  Shit, sex is more popular in Alaska than hockey pucks, ice fishing and meth all combined.  That’s why Palin has 4 errr 5 kids and her daughter has 2 errrr 1 errrr a baby on the way.

That’s right, her 17 year old daughter, Bristol Palin, you know the one who is benefiting from all those advanced “prayer based” forms of contraception, has allowed Jesus, with the help of her boyfriend “Twig,” to place an original sin inspired brick of Chunky Monkey in her belly piece and if you believe the blogs out here, this aint the first time either.

That Belly bump on the far right is no joke. Hey Bristol, just a little advice, when you live in Alaska where there is 24 hours of darkness for 4 months straight, “girl Imma make luv to you to the break of dawn” might not be such a good motif to go by.

And now they’re on that, “she’s in the process of marrying her boyfriend”..   Oh course she is.  After all, nothing says “conservative values” like doubling down on an already fucked up situation by marrying the pimpled-faced, Igloo Eagle Scout who knocked you up in the first place.

Ha, supposedly this is the dude right here.  Oh yeah, he’s definitely got that “I’m about to marry that 17 year old chick I don’t really like because her mom needs me to in order to justify her ‘do as I say, not as I do’ political agenda.”  It’s all in the eyes, he’s ready to do his duty for Amurica.  AHNT

I know, I know, this Palin choice was “fully vetted” and you GOP types were there when ole Twig was laying that Alaskan lumber to young Bristol.  You knew all along that because of her mom’s political views, she’d be forced into the international spotlight as the very personification of your hypocritical and ineffective policy positions.  Yep, she too is ready to take that bullet for Amurica…riiiight.  haaaa

Even Cindy thinks you fuked this one up buddy.

All I can say is that I know for damn sure the Republicans are lucky Hurricane Gustav hit the Gulf Coast today and provided a little cover.  Shiiiiit, that gave them the time they needed to get their stories straight.  Did you see how quickly they canceled all their shit?  Kind of reminded me how quick I was back in my school days to let someone else present first when I knew good and well I hadn’t done shit for that science project.  Oh they’ll tell you they knew about this all along, but saying you knew a 17 year old was preggers is just a bold faced lie.

One thing that’s for sure, this guarandamntees that I’ll be watching Gov. Palin’s speech this week.  Let me guess what she’ll say, this is “a family matter” and her family “needs time to deal with this, blah, blah blah, prayer, this isn’t political, but MY DAUGHTER IS KEEPING THE BABY because we respect life!!!!” haaaaaaa   I love it.

You know what the Republicans should do?  Keep Palin, dump McCain and nominate R. Kelly for President of the United States.

Now hold on, just think about it.   It’d be all pandering, all the time.  After all, is there a more religious man than R?  Shoot, Jesus stays up in his songs, so the religious right will be happy.  Then you’d be able to run him to black folks like he’s that viable alternative to Barack…right?  That ought to make this historic run even more classy….  Then, and this is the kicker, we know he likes them young girls, so he’s literally be able to bang out Palin’s daughter “til the break of dawn,” six months of darkness or not!  And that’s before he offered to keep her warm while “piss on you” played in the background, right?  What, no go?  ha

– Lake

——————-UPDATE————————

Are her kids really named Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, and Trig?  Jeez.  Those sound like Paint colors…or wood finishes.  What were Saddle, Rumpus, Vault, Rudder and Twist already taken?  Are these kids or Transformers?  This is great.  The only better thing would be if the pregnant one was Piper.  No, not because Piper is 7.  Because a pregnant teen named Piper is funnier.  You know nominal presidposition to actually getting “piped”.  My Bad.

-Brock

“Hip Hop Artist” Daddy Yankee Endorses John McCain?

I have one question about this story: Who in the fizzuck is Daddy Yankee?

OK, I’ll ask one more time, who in the hell is Daddy Yankee?

Ohhhhh, it’s the “Gasolina” dude.  HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!  Only in the Republican world would it matter if THIS dude endorsed John McCain.  First of all, I’m better known in “hip hop” than this clown.  And that Gasolina song was just code for “it’s now time to leave the dance floor and get myself another drank” back when it was popular.  Terrible.  That song wasn’t shit until Lil Jon added “skeet skeet skeet” to the damn remix. Fucking horrible.  I will say though, woman liked the song, so it had it’s purposes, so I can’t completely hate on it.  But can someone tell me what else this “hip hop” artist did?  And since when is Reggaeton considered hip hop?  Maybe it’s just me, but Raggaeton aint shit, which probably explains why this cat’s albums have all gone double wood on the billboard charts.

Ridiculous.

– Lake

Republicans Stoop To A New Low…AGAIN

I continue to try and convince my friends that these Republicans are friends of no one, but here’s their latest bullshit tactic to try and dirty up Barack Obama, a mufucka who is objectively better than nearly all of them.

Right, if you can’t beat him, make disrespectful and racist (I know, I know, it’s not racist and I must be the one who is racist if I see it that way..right) references to the man’s wife, who is also better and more competent than 99.9% of you as well. And then look who is doing the talking. A sold Asian broad, with inferior credentials, who lies for a living.

Fox News is such a joke. Only an idiot would actually watch that foolishness and truly regard it as real news. Meanwhile, the Republican who runs changes, but the tactics never do.

All these assholes are the same. Time to run ’em up out of here too.

– Lake

Old Man McCain Gets The GOP Nomination

Well, well, well.. I guess in the interest of being fair and balanced (as if that exists anywhere) we should post on John McCain’s big win tonight. The very young John Mac went ahead and finally got that 1,191 delegate count needed to secure the Republican nomination.

And then Mike Huckabee conceded. Damn. I’m going to miss ole Huck. You know, with all his “we need to change the US Constitution to fit God’s law” and all those hunting and fishing photo ops. I kinda like the old coot. Who knows, maybe we’ll get him for a VP running mate.

Then we’ll really be able to get this thing poppin’….

Until then, we’ll see the standard payback by McCain for supporting his boy Dubyah.

I would say that Americans will never fall for Dubyah Bush part 2, but I know better. Hell, these idiot Republicans will tell you Bush has been a great President. What can you do? I’m beginning to believe these differences can only be decided by a civil war where I’m quite sure we’ll beat you suckers……AGAIN!

Yeeeee Hawww!

– Lake

The Worst President Ever delivers last State of the Union address

As we officially go into the last year of the worst presidency in the short history of this nation, Americans can at least take some solace in the fact that we won’t have to hear this bumbling clown mangle the English language while he simultaneously mangles all relevant facts in this particular forum.

Dubyah, gave his last State of the Union address and all I can say is good riddance. The more things I can check off to usher his simple arse out the door, the better. Is it just me or does it still make you cringe to see that guy walk through the door when that old dude says “I present to you the President of the United States.” Jeez. It will be nice to have a shred of respect for the President again once this dude finally goes away. Like really, I don’t agree with Republicans generally, I think Mitt is plastic, Huck is crazy and McCain is sold, but at very least I can respect them on the most basic fundamental level.

If this thing were about aptitude and merit, Bush would be washing lettuce at Popeye’s Chicken in Downtown Waco, Texas right now. And you idiots elected him twice.

Take a bow.

– Lake

———-UPDATE—————

I know the Bush Presidency took place over the course of 8 years and everyone ages in office, but Bush looks like he caught an ass whoopin’ on top of everything.  Peep this:

Bush in 1999 after winning the Presidency:

Bush last week:

DAMN!  I see him starting to rock his “Democrat Blue” ties as he slides into lame duck territory too…

-Brock

Gambling Rudy losing ground in Florida

Well, well, well… If it aint ole Rudy Giuliani, “America’s Mayor,” finding himself in a pickle in Florida right about now.

Right, this is a guy with the brilliant plan to not campaign in Iowa, Michigan, Nevada, or South Cackalacky. Who’s his campaign manager, George Castanza, with that “everyone is doing something, I’ll just do nothing” strategy? Yeah, I know everyone else is tired from fighting hard to stay alive and Rudy is refreshed, but he also hasn’t won shit and completely lacks momentum in a state that is essentially NYC South. I don’t know, maybe he should put another dress on, drag queen it up….AGAIN, cut a rug and tell the people one of his grandparents was part Cuban.

Oh yes, it’s on for real now. It actually reminds me of when Joe Clark rolled up on Sams and the rest of that C list group of sangers in the bathroom at Eastside High. You know, that hot scene in Lean on Me, where Joe hit them with that “you better know the school song and if you don’t, you’re suspended, now let’s here it, the school song”….

Only, those cats delivered. I’m not so sure about Rudy.

Anyway, like a second rate singer who just isn’t quite ready for Hollywood, homey’s plan seems to be backfiring and I must admit, I’m enjoying it. Recent polls have Rudy running in 4th place down there in New York South, behind McCain, Mitt, and ole Hucky. How does that taste? Hell, Rudy G. aint even in the picture at this point.

Take yo ass back to NYC so you can continue to profit off terrorism errrr keep freedom on the march in the world’s greatest city.

Well, homey has two days before the primary, so he best get to work. Seriously Rudy, even your own children don’t fuck with you. Doesn’t that tell you something? Shouldn’t it tell everyone else something? All I know is that there’s gonna be a lot of slow singing and flower bringing if Rudy doesn’t win in the sun shine state and I’ll be laughing with a pina colada in one hand and a mojito in the other.

– Lake