Archive for the ‘Jessica Alba’ Category

Please Outlaw the Preggers Bikini Already!!!

June 3, 2008

I’ve said it over and over again that I really don’t appreciate the bare belly preggers chick fashion statement in public. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure child birth is a beautiful thing, but come on…. Nobody wants to see your big ass up in a Heidi Montage special. Peep the latest, granted sitting privately with her man ole “Not Nick Lachey.”

Is that Vanessa Minnillo?!

Oh hells no! WTF? Can’t be. I mean jeez. I just saw what I thought was a recent picture of Minnillo that I thought showed how hype the chick was even compared to UvT favorite Kimmy Kardashian.

Damn, something aint right. I mean, she’s basically outshining Kimmy K in one set of pics and then doing her best Britney impression.

Ha.. Man, this is crazy. Baby girl is laid the F out like a red neck in a lawn chair looking for an excuse to hate Obama. Bring back the Minnillo I know and love.

Ahh, there she is, reckless, ridiculous and most important of all, SEXY. And by the way, I’m starting to think the preggers fat belly is the brand new “in” look for the Summer of ’08. Ladies, procreate away, even though I’m telling you upfront that it aint mine, but PLEASE keep it classy and covered, thanks.

– Lake

=============Update=============

Ok, so it’s Jessica Alba and NOT Minillo…. that would explain the presence of “Not Nick” over there. Hilarious. I need to stop posting at 2:30 am…. Cover them!

Top Hispanics Who We Forget Are Hispanic

December 28, 2007

I love America.  You ask people how they feel about immigration and they are willing to build a wall across the entire Mexican border.  Not the Canadian border mind you, those are nothing more than French speaking white people up there, they must be cool, just the Mexicansand Haitians…and Cubans who don’t look like Elian Gonzalez.

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The same people who are ready to send any actual Spanish speaking person to make a run for the freaking border also think Jessica Alba is freaking hot.

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And they would be 100% right, she is hot.  But that got me thinking, there are a lot of Hispanic Celebrities that America just starts treating like they are white people.  I know, Alba just looks like a hot white babe with a tan.  No, she’s Latina.  This never happens to Black people by the way, no matter how many white people like you, you’re still Black.  So let’s explore this phenomenon, here is a list:

First, the aforementioned Jessica Alba.  The only time she even remotely claimed her Hispanic heritage was when she paid “hip hop chick” in Honey.

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Yeah, that was about as convincing as Mariah Carey playing a hard on her luck Black chick in “Glitter“.

Second there’s Cameron Diaz:

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Somehow she just became everyone ‘s favorite skinny white chick.  Her last name is Diaz people, and her hair is not naturally blonde.

Alex Rodriguez:

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Ok fine.  I don’t really think that people forget that A Rod is Hispanic.  Although his white wife and “biggest contract in all of sports ever” seems to point to the fact that most people don’t associate Alex Rodriguez with these dudes.

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That picture has nothing to do with anything.  It is just fully ridiculous.

Next, there is Eva Longoria:

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I guess she gets a pass because she’s hot?  Don’t get me wrong, she’s got a pretty face.  I know Lake and the interns like her, but I really can’t pinpoint why.  Her body is only decent, nothing really stands out about it.  Biel’s got the tail, Britney had the legs, and Paris had the sex tape.  I just don’t know why I care about this chick yet.

Jennifer Lopez probably doesn’t belong on this list.  She played Selena, so she doesn’t exactly shy away from Hispanic Roles.  Here’s the deal, she was definitely drifting somewhere around the Diddy/Ben Affleck years.

The key difference here?  That ass always let you know you were dealing with something special.

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Damn, she really lets that thang hang.  Yeah, no one thought they were dealing with a white girl here.

Here’s the real killer.  Charlie and Martin Sheen:

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Charlie, do you think we really forgot you have a brother named Emilio Estevez?  Hell, Martin Sheen’s real name is Mondergard Ramón Gerardo Antonio Estévez.    Mondergard?  Doesn’t get more authentic than that. That sounds like a name you choose when you start playing World of Warcraft.  I think Mondergard is a level 37 Dwarf Shaman.  Even Charlie’s real name is Carlos Estevez.

I know the Sheen family meeting where Emilio decided he wasn’t “selling out” the family name and staying a Estevez had to be heated.  The messed up thing?  Emilio hasn’t had a hot movie since “Young Guns“.  I guess becoming “Eddie Sheen” wouldn’t have been such a bad idea after all.

-Brock

Assology 101

November 30, 2007

I mentioned a few posts ago that I have a masters in Assology. It allows me to identify a tight booty from 20 paces. I can see it coming, identify it from any angle. Hell, tell me where a girl was born, her favorite food, and two hobbies and I can take a pretty good guess. I love ass. I look at every ass I see. You’ve gotta hone your skills in the field. With Lauren London and Beyonce causing a bit of controversy here at UvT, I decided to let you know how to analyze that ass on your own. Pay attention kids, Professor Hardon is about to lay it down for you.

We’re gonna keep it simple. Let’s just talk about how to identify the various types of ass:

Negative arse:

We’ve covered the negative arse here at UvT plenty of times. It is the easiest to spot, but here’s how to identify the details.

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Okay, here’s the back view. I mean this chick goes shoulders to knee with no interruption whatsoever. There is no tuck on the top, no tuck on the bottom.  Damn, this babe looks like she might not even have an ass crack.  What does that look like from the side, you ask?

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Yeah, as I said…you could run your hand down her back trying to cup an ass cheek run right past it. You probably wouldn’t know you made a wrong turn until you feel the back of her heel.

The negative arse babe is really limited to skinny chicks. When a babe with no ass packs on too much weight, you end up with the dreaded muffin top.

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Whew. Muffin tops are a real debacle, and that babe has been baking all day. I mean the only reason you even think there is an ass under there is the fact that the waistband of the jeans cuts that back fat off at an arbitrary point. Terrible, these muffin top chicks have to know this isn’t acceptable, right?

Here’s where it gets fun.

Athletic ass:

Let’s start here with Jessica Alba in jeans.

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You know the body is tight up under there. She gives you a little hook in the booty, legs stay tight (always key for the ass, thighs and calves play an important role in evaluation. What you see is what you get here.

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Clothes on, or clothes off…this is the sweet spot. This is the best a white babe can work toward, it means she was a dancer or athlete at some point. As I said, you can see it all the way through the thigh. That is how you get built up like Biel.

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As I said, you can’t trust a White chick with more body than this. You start venturing into Brooke Hogan, Coco T territory after this point. Unfortunately some of the brothers who like the crossover game don’t heed the warnings of Professor Brock and think they’ve found the “thick white girl”, built just like a sister.

In reality you just get “in them jeans” girl who is packed in too tight. An example you say?

Packed and Stacked in those pants ass:

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I know, I know, she’s thick right? Naaaaaaah meng. That calf lets you know you are in trouble from the start, by time you get to that thigh with narum a definition you know that those khaki shorts are hiding a dirty secret. I get it, you watch chicks walking down the street and see this:

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But you get em butt naked and you get this:

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These babes have all kinds of tricks, you gotta know when it is too good to be true! Turn back before you get caught up.

Now there is a level beyond this. The holy grail if you will. As I said, it is a level of ass unachievable by the white woman, the in them jeans babe is a dirty doppelganger of the real deal.

Thick ass:

This is only achievable by black chicks. Sorry, it’s genetics. No fat, just pure muscle covered in silky smooth perfection. Check this:

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I mean look how strong she is through the calves and knees, how the back tightens right back up at the top. Pure perfection here fellas.

The lesson should end here today, but there is yet another level. I don’t advocate it but some cats love it.

The Superthick:

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Now you know that isn’t right. If you ever need to identify what you’re working with the key is in those knees. You see that extra layer of love on the inside. Stay back. That extra booty fat also shuts down the crease. If you can’t see the back dimples, put down the butt cheek. It isn’t going to turn out well.

Back later with more advanced lessons.

-Brock


The other Jessica…Alba, back on the market

July 27, 2007

Yessssss…..

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http://www.usmagazine.com/jessica_alba_breakup

Welcome back Jess.  It’s good to have you back in the game.  Her man was named “Cash Warren”?  That doesn’t even sound like a real name.  I thought Brock Hardon was pushing the envelope but straight Cash homey?  That is a pimp name if I ever heard one.

When we do the Us Versus Them booty breakdown, you can be sure that Alba will be there competing for the title of ideal tail piece, white girl division.

-Brock