Archive for the ‘Azz Whoopin’’ Category

Sponge Broad Square Arse: Angel Lola Luv!

September 16, 2008

Albany, NY is the State Capital of New York and a hotbed for progressive ideas around education.  So it was no wonder that the fine public servants in that district choose a true role model to kick off their “Back to School Extravaganza” last week.  Peep the highly motivational speaker, Angel Lola Love at the school assembly.

Haaa, and no, I’m not kidding!  This really is the outfit ole girl rocked at the school as she spoke to our nation’s youth. What possible message could this chick have for the kids?  “If you aren’t smart, don’t have a great personality and lack the proper fatness of the ass to excel in the objectification bidness, maybe you can sell your soul to the local ass gel bootlegger.”

And we wonder why kids are completely fucked in the head.

“Beetle Juice, Beetle Juice, Beetle Juice.”

Goddamn.  Where’s the Gap when you need it?  Anyway, back to discussion at hand.  Can any of you explain to me:

1.  Why Albany Public Schools would EVER invite an ass gelling, breast “through some E’s on that b*tch” enhancing, neck tatting, booty shaking, chick like this to talk to children?

2.  How the ass in question actually became SQUARED the fuck out?

I mean, that shit is just bizarre!  Look at the way the tail gives up high.  It’s creepy.  And I guess I already know the answer, but I still gotta ask, Angel Lola Love’s Ass. Real or FAKE?

Lol…  I tend to agree.  Hey Albany Superintendent of Schools.


– Lake

Gary Coleman Keeps it Gangsta

September 11, 2008

UPDATED:  UvT is getting so strong, the comments are as good as the original post.  Check out the Ladies of UvT getting loose below.

Sure, he might be wearing denim on denim, he might have on green crocs, he might be 4’8″, but if you mess with him he will straight whoop that ass.

Here’s the story.  Gary Coleman was bowling in Utah…wait, let’s stop there for a second.  Why the hell was Gary Coleman bowling in Utah?  That is about the most random thing I’ve ever heard.  Ross Perot was paddleboating in Montana.  Warren Moon was playing Uno in Caracas.  It’s fun, try a few yourself.  Anyway.  So Gary was getting his bowl on with his wife, chillin and shit, when come dude rolls up on him with a camera phone to take some pics.  Gary asked him not to, and Gary’s bodyguard tried to keep him away.  OK.  Second WTF moment.  Gary thought he needed a bodyguard to go bowling in Utah?

The victim said that Gary rolled up on him, threw a few punches, jumped into his truck and tried to run the dude over. Third WTF moment…if Gary Coleman’s croc wearing ass rolls up throwing punches on your boy, I’d be the famous dude who whooped Gary Coleman’s ass.  My CNN story would be titled “Whydchu knockemout Willis?”  Emmanuel Lewis, Little kids, the Chinese Olympic gymnastics team, and Wee Man from Jackass wouldn’t wanth to come near me.  I’d be dangerous, son, dangerous.

My bad, Gary.  My bad.

You better watch out for Gary though.  He might flip on you any second.

Gary, you need a new hobby, and you need to chill the hell out.  You should be happy people still want to take your picture.  Just ask Todd Bridges.



KIR in NV:

Let’s break this down: how’d his bitty ass get all the way up into SLC undetected? Last I knew, the only colored folk permitted within the city limits had the surname Malone.

And he had to wear that cowboy hat just to keep a low profile.

This does explain the need for the bodyguard though. I’m not sure it’s even legal to be a “brunette” in the Beehive state. It was the late 70s before the revelation was handed down that the extra tanned were not marked by the curse of God.  Or as they call it, the “good ol days”.

Second, of course he’s bowling. If you aren’t on your Family Home Teaching or churning up the butter for tomorrow’s breakfast for 12, that’s what you do. Unless it’s after 8:30PM and then you’re screwed.

And yeah, if Arnold whoop my ass, I take that beating quietly, change my name and slide into that Bitch Ass Protection Program. For real.


Rosy F:

@Kir on point as usual. The revelation took too long. I like my drank and the streets too much. And if ashy virginal croc wearing arnold manage to land more than one punch on me I’d be in BAPP.


Be On It:

Rule #1: Never fight short people.

They have years of built up aggression waiting to be poured out on any fool that dare try them.

Rule #2: If fighting short people, use your knees. A groin shot on a regular person is a chin check for the midgies. Just saying.

Rule #3: If you get your @ss whooped by a short person, please turn in your cool card and proceed to the BAPP.

Rule #4: Never get in an altercation with a short person known to kick ass and take names. Did this fool not hear that Gary was stomping his wife? Isn’t she like 8x bigger than him? I mean, I ain’t never scared, but I pick my battles.

Starting mess with LaKeisha Thomas, the girl who took out a senior linebacker twice her size? No sir!

Elton Brand Just Screwed Baron Davis

July 11, 2008

Last week Baron Davis signed with the Los Angeles Clippers.  Baron Davis at the point, Corey Maggette at the wing, and Elton Brand giving you 20 and 10 on the block and Baron Davis was feeling like this:

He was ready to make a real run in the west…there’s running in the west alright.  Running up out of LA.

Whoo whee, Elton Brand just signed that 5 year, Eighty Million Dollar contract with the Philadelphia 76ers.

Which means right now he is making a mixtape featuring:

Deion Sanders – Must Be the Money

Ice Cube – Today Was a Good Day

Beatles – Money (That’s what I want)

ABBA – Money, Money, Money

O’Jays – For the Love of Money

Great for Elton Brand, not so great for Baron Davis.  You know the crack reporting staff here at UvT got in touch with Baron Davis for the exclusive interview.

UvT: Baron, how do you feel about Elton’s new deal?

Baron Davis:

UvT: I know, jacked up right?  Oh by the way, Corey Maggette also just went to your old team, the Warriors.


UvT: So with that in mind, how do you feel about your chances of reaching the playoffs next year?


UvT:  You ain’t lied.  It’s probably going to be a bit of a longshot.  Got any last words for Elton?


UvT: Damn Baron, tell him how you really feel.

Good luck playing for another really mediocre team next year and for the next five years of your life…just like the last nine years of your life.


VH1’s I Love Money, Season Premiere

July 10, 2008

Here we go again… From the makers of Flavors of Love 1, 2 and 3, I Love New York 1 and 2, Charm School (clearly we only needed one of those), Rock of Love 1 and 2 (the only show in the bunch I didn’t watch) and A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila 1 and 2 we now have I Love Money.

Look, we all know the deal with these shows. It’s a bunch of Hollywood rejects willing to subject themselves to almost any level of humiliation for a chance at some face time and hopefully their own show. so that they can ultimately get spit out the bottom of the porn industry

errrr flip their newfound success into real showbiz careers.

And we all know that aint gonna happen. So what did they do? Of course, they just kept it real and copied those completely played and similarly sad, though less comical, Real World/Road Rules spin-offs.. You know the Gauntlet, Crucible, Inferno (whatever, though quietly, that new Real World/Road Rules Survivor rip off looks like it has potential) and made the show strictly about money.

Fair enough. So then it’s just a matter of who was on the show. Well you know it wouldn’t be a show without some eye candy. So they brought in Hoopz, which I respect.

And please peep those Hoopz NSFW HERE at your leisure.

And that chick from Beauty and the Geek/Rock of Love Fame:

Don’t know her name and clearly I don’t care. But I’d be lying if I told you she didn’t have that white girl thunder. Incidentally, here are her NSFW (I’m seeing a trend here) Playboy shots. Actually, this chick’s body is what only Brooke Hogan can see when she looks at herself in the mirror. The rest of us see a version of this:

Ha… I know, I know, I just talked Jim Carrey the ‘nother day. Keeping it simple. Sadly, that’s the only real eye candy on the show. And even the skanks lost their limited skank appeal. Sheeeeit, Pumkin looks like she done set out to actually become her namesake.

I mean, homegirl is plump. Anyway, at least they came back with the Stallionaires…which is still one of the worst and best rap group names in all of history. Haaa.

Oh yeah, Chance and Real are back and yes, their album is still “about to come out.”

“Yuckmouth, cuz he don’t brush..” Then you had the usual suspects. Mr. Boston’s unfunny ass. Whiteboy, who should get an Emmy for that ridiculous “based on an untrue story” role he’s playing as a down ass white dude. I know, I know.. ha

Anyway, after that you’ve got an assortment of douchebags (and please don’t take that characterization lightly, I RARELY use that term, but it’s oh so true for this show), trashy hoes and general misfits like that broke ass Bushwick Bill lookin cat Midget Mack, who incidentally got checked the fuck off the show the first night.

Nice. I spoke to Brock about Episode 1 and all in all, it left us a bit underwhelmed. But it’s got potential. I’m just waiting for 12 Pack and his little sidekick there 5 Pack aka Heat (lol) to get up on some gay shit so that we can really set the party off.

I’m also looking for that damn Nibblz to bang some dude out, seeing as she’s a full-time dominatrix (her exact words) and all. Dominatrix? Don’t you mean ho? Oh yes, I’ll be glued to my tv, a least for one more episode.

Oh and it just wouldn’t be right if I didn’t mention all those folks that are missing from the cast. First off, where’s Buckeey.

You gotta have her, especially after that great sex tape I never saw. Also, where is that Gentleman Punk? I thought he was busy trying to show positive images on gutter reality tv….

One spiked strand of moused out hair at a time.

And why couldn’t we get some Buddah back on set. We definitely needed some more of his antics.

Maybe he would have whooped some more ass, something I always appreciate. Oh well, I guess you can’t have it all. Hell, maybe some of these fools actually got their lives together and have moved on to better things….nah. ha

Stallionaires baby…book it.

– Lake

A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila 2 Ass Whoopin!

June 13, 2008

I should have posted this long ago.  I mean, when I saw it, I just kept running it back over and over again.  I mean, I’ve seen some silly Reality TV fights, but this was a certified ass whoopin….it was good too.

Say what?  Did yall see that?  WOW.  I mean, you can only look at Tila in so many bucked naked ass ways, right?  But fresh ass whoopins, those NEVER get old.  And yes, Chad did split that fools mouth right open.  Great.  And here’s the long version for someone who wants more context.

Yo, that “Don’t get in my face, you’re not tough…..don’t nobody get in my face….I don’t put up with that shit, I don’t give a f*ck…Dats how we do it in Detroit.”   

Lol… Apparently it is.

– Lake

Boston is the Best Sports Town Part Deux

June 6, 2008

Damn, one night and just so much happened in this Boston sports market that it’s hard to keep up. WEEI is going to be off the chain with phone calls tomorrow, that’s for sure. Let’s start with those C’s, I can’t lie, they started out about as shady as Tyler Perry at the church’s All Men’s Choir practice.  I mean, shit didn’t look or feel right. Then bad went to worse when Pauly P. hit the floor and clutched that knee piece. I was actually ok with that until they started muting out his words (read curses) as he writhed in pain on the floor.

Then they carried the cat away like he was about to make an unexpected stop at the local glue factory or something:

And when they carted him off in that wheelchair like a little bitch, it just took everything in me to NOT send that “game, set, season” text message I had cued up in my phone to the local peoples. Good thing I didn’t, because dude came back down the ramp looking like Willis Reed meets skip to my lou.

And he was all amped up. I mean, high fiving and heart punching… I must say, given his state just 3 minutes prior, it was pretty fucking terrible and I’m rooting for the Celtics. I can only imagine how awful it looked to the C’s haterz out there. How can you go down like someone shot you, start cursing like your career is suddenly over as you grip tight on that knee piece and literally get carted off like a beeyatch, only to come out hopping around like Peter Cotton Tail, with an extra young headband, on Easter Sunday?

Then you check into the game and play magnificently to the soundtrack of Jim Jones “We Fly High (Ballin)” en route to 22 pts and a C’s win?

I mean, what happened to the knee? Why were you laid out on the ground, crying and all? Something seems fishy… Could it all have been for show?

Then on the same night, the Red Sox turn around and make me remember why they’re my favorite team right about now (the Mets are a mess). Coco Crisp (still not sure how I feel about that name) ran into an infielder in retaliation behind a block of the plate yesterday.

Don’t ask me why, the most uninteresting thing about Baseball (and lord knows with Baseball there is plenty of ‘uninterestingness’ if you will) is this so called “unwritten code.” Look, I don’t know why he did it and I don’t care. All I know is that Coco got thrown at by the pitcher and boy, he wasn’t taking that shit lying down!

Seriously, someone cue up that “neva scared” music, because that’s exactly what happened here and I know that pitcher was scared when he swung wildly and got absolutely nothing but cool Boston air. Peep the fight. First the tight angle.

Then the whole thing.

Sheeeeit, Coco looked like he knew how to throw them thangs, too. He side stepped that punch and juuuuuust missed with a nice right hook. Haaa I love it. Coco is a hard mufucka! I mean, the cat can’t go much more than 170 lbs, right? I guess with a name like Coco, you gotta be hard.

Then Manny and Kevin Youkilis got into it, which I’m fine with.

But someone better tell Kevin Youkilis that he’s Kevin Youakilis. I don’t care what Manny said, he’s Manny and you’re not. Don’t fuck with greatness.

Meanwhile, Manny hit yet another home run and the Red Sox cruised to victory and right into 1.5 game first place lead in the AL East. Good to be in Beantown, for now. Out.

– Lake

Ok, I get it: Roy Williams Loves Kansas

April 8, 2008

HEY EVERYBODY, Roy Williams wants you to know something, he just loooooooooves KU, Lawrence and the Jayhawks Fans so much that he just happned to rock that ridiculous Kansas Jayhawks sticker/pin or whatever last night on National TV. Not that anybody was going to see it or anything. No way a “classy guy” like Roy would ever use the National title game to make another one of his spontaneous, homespun, hokey statements to try and improve his image.

Is there a less sincere cat in all of America than Roy Williams? Seriously, this guy is made for political office.

All that cat ass crying, lying about what jobs he’s going to take, who he cares about, and what he thinks. Remember when he didm’t give a “flip” about the University of North Carolina job riiiight before he ACCEPTED the University of North Carolina job?

I know Roy, you’ve got kids in the locker room, the same ones you’re about to abandon after saying that you’d never leave Kansas, that you love. Right. What about when he told that story about “mama” and how she used to scrub floors back when he “wuza boy” just so he could drink a Coca-Cola “soda pop.”

Riight, it’s because of “whut” your “mama” did for you that you keep a case of Coke strategically placed behind your desk during a commericial, not because of all that dough you’re stacking as a result of this ad campagin. Is this guy serious? Is anyone falling for this nonsense?

Look, standing in the fan section of a team that just broke the hearts of your “kids” and ruined your season is not evidence of your “giant heart,” it’s weak. It’s wack. It’s well, something that a phony snake oil salesmen from Ashville Norf Cuurlina would pull. The next time you do something that isn’t all about your image, your pocket book and your winning percentage will be the first time Roy. We’ve got you figured out buddy. You walk into recruits’ homes, wrap your arms around their mothers, have a good cry and pull hot players like a mufucka.. I’ll give him that. The boy can recruit! But can he coach? I’m not sold. After you get your face caved in by Kansas it isn’t time to go sit in their VIP section, strap on the Jayhawk sticker, which was strategically affixed to a plain black shirt by the way, and play “good ole Roy from Lawrence errrrr Chapel Hill errrr Ashville.” Whatever. This guy is as slippery as John Calipari. He just comes at you differently.

Roy, your team got embarrassed in a year where they were the prohibitive favorite to win it all. Do you think your fans in NC want to see yo’ candy ass on National TV with a Jayhawk sticker after they just dismantled your squad like that?

(Image from

I know, I know, you have “great affection” for the Kansas “pro-grim,” it broke your heart to play that Final Four game, you’ll never do it again and it’s all because you’re just a class act. It shows. Phony.

– Lake

Nascar Loves The Hoes

April 3, 2008

Dude, Max Mosley, the head of the FIA, which is the governing body of Formula One racing, got busted and exposed banging out 5 hookers while they all role played a Nazi concentration camp S&M sex fantasy game. Freaking crazy, peep it.

Yooo, this is so crazy that I don’t even know what to say. It’s one thing to actually get off on some Nazi hoes (which is completely wild), no check that FIVE Nazi hoes, but it’s quite another to actually video tape it! I mean, Eliot Spitzer wants to know what this cat was smoking when he put someone behind that camera.


I know, banging out Nazi hoes is not against the law in Britain, fair enough. Great country. But this cat runs a major international outfit. Just like Jimmy said in Goodfellas, there are appearances that have to be kept up. Homey is supposed to be running cars, not hoes. And yes I know that there’s a difference between Nascar, Formula One Racing, Open Wheel and all the rest, I simply don’t care. The second they stop taping Nazi hoes and whoopin ass with that leather paddle on camera (you really should watch the video), I lose interest. Besides, those “sports” are all the same.

Apparently, all this shit is racist, but down south with Nascar, they’ve got tractors, rakes and hoes.


Over there in Europe with Formula One, they just got the hoes (ok, I lifted that from Black Sheep circa ’91).

Racism, nostalgic references to genocide, paddling, hoes, cars and video tape. Yep, I think it’s officially time to book that trip to Europe. Them UK ladies have been good to a nilla.

– Lake

Hoops: Blue Devils Flatten UVa, 86-70

March 6, 2008

Dude, I haven’t seen an ass whoopin like that since the JJ Redick era.

Before the game UVa’s players looked like this.


Then the fellas stepped forward with some of this:


A little bit of that:


Which ultimately lead to this:


Did Duke have to do it to those Wahoos like that? I mean, get off the canvas UVa.. Get up! Jeez. Player of the game for Duke had to be my main man (finger snap) Greg Paulus, but it was really a complete team win.

Duke Blue Devils
K. Singler, F 32 8-21 0-0 3 8 0 3 18
L. Thomas, F 16 0-1 1-2 0 2 1 1 1
G. Paulus, G 33 5-10 0-0 0 2 3 3 14
G. Henderson, G-F 28 8-13 2-2 3 7 4 1 19
D. Nelson, G 29 6-10 2-5 1 4 4 2 16
N. Smith, G 11 2-2 0-0 0 1 0 1 6
D. McClure, F 5 0-0 0-0 0 1 0 1 0
T. King, F 4 0-1 0-0 0 0 0 0 0
J. Scheyer, G 29 3-6 3-3 2 2 4 0 10
B. Zoubek, C 13 1-1 0-2 1 4 1 3 2
  33-65 8-14 10 31 17 15 86
  50.8% 57.1%  

Still, Greg was just throwing it in the ocean from three. I really think that broke their spirit early and then Duke never looked back thanks to Greg’s play. And there’s nothing worse for an opponent than a confident, shat talking Paulie.


Anyway, bottom line, I like the level of play and overall determination going into this UNC game on Saturday and post season play in general. I also liked how K got minutes in for Big Zoub. It’s an understatement, but the boys in Blue need to sack up and run those hicks from UNC back to Chapel Hill on Saturday.


No mercy.


Go Duke.

– Lake

Damn a Rihanna!

March 4, 2008

I just drove 6 hours in the middle of the night for no damn reason so I may be a little bit testy, but reading these posts about Rihanna, her “boo” (by the way, if you’re a man and you’ve ever seriously called anyone “boo,” you’re a real bullshit cat) Chris Brown and her alleged arse piece are starting to really get to me.


Look, you don’t need a BS in Assology from the University of Maryland at College Park (a real major for them, look it up) to understand that Rihanna doesn’t even have the kind of tail that warrants study. Rihanna’s ass is what we thought it wasn’t, namely thick/phat/right or any other adjective you could think of. I’m sorry, but apparently she DIDN’T get it from her mama.


Still, good ass (I said it) is like pornography (yeah, I said that too), it’s hard to describe, but you know it when you see it. Rih Rih’s doesn’t pass the…ahem….smell test (no low low) for me. It just aint right.


Let’s keep it real, and I’ll give her a good shot too but this is Rihanna’s ass.


This is an ass (Trina’s to be exact) on Dubbs:


Any questions?

– Lake