Archive for July, 2007

Kevin Garnett a Celtic?

July 30, 2007

The news is bubbling today about the man-child KG going to the Celtics this summer. 

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Now I agree that Garnett needs to get out of NBA purgatory up there in Minnesota. (the only place that is worse for a player was when the Grizzlies were in Vancouver…hell even the Grizzlies in Memphis isn’t that much of an upgrade)  KG already killed this deal once,saying that Beantown isn’t a great place for the black man.  Mike Wilbon of PTI backed up this reputation, it is a tough place for the brothers.

Here is the question, can a Celtics team that runs out Paul Pierce, Ray Allen and KG make some real noise?  Or is this the ’04 Lakers part Deux?  Just like the Lakers in 2004 would have been the baddest team ever assembled if it was 2001, if this was still 2004, these guys might actually be contenders.  KG would be having his MVP season, P-double would still have that “take over a game” level of skill, and Jesus Shuttlesworthwould be and is still money from outside.  Honestly, Ray’s still got it.  KG probably has a little left in him (I haven’t watched him much since the T-Wolves suck), Paul can probably hold it together from game to game like post-Bulls Scottie Pippen.  Oh, and by the way, who the hell is going to run point?  Tony Allen?  Bassy Telfair?  Yeah, I wouldn’t put my hopes with those guys.  Once again, if the East still looked like it did in 2004, when the Pistons ran roughshod on the league, this team could probably coast, but now?  The East with the Cavs, Pistons, Wizards, an upgraded Orlando (OK, I’m probably pushing it now), but either way the East is a better league now. 

KG, I know you gotta make that change like Michael Jackson said, but this might not be an improvement homey.  I will say this, if it doesn’t work, you might want to start lookin’ at that mang in the mirror for real.

If you wanna make da world, a bet-tah place, take a look at yo-self and make that…Chaaaaaaange.  Hoooo!   Ta.  Tah-Hooooo!

-Brock

The other Jessica…Alba, back on the market

July 27, 2007

Yessssss…..

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http://www.usmagazine.com/jessica_alba_breakup

Welcome back Jess.  It’s good to have you back in the game.  Her man was named “Cash Warren”?  That doesn’t even sound like a real name.  I thought Brock Hardon was pushing the envelope but straight Cash homey?  That is a pimp name if I ever heard one.

When we do the Us Versus Them booty breakdown, you can be sure that Alba will be there competing for the title of ideal tail piece, white girl division.

-Brock

The Michael Vick Experience: Not Guilty?

July 26, 2007

Ronald Michael Mexico Vick pleaded “Not Guilty” today in Richmond, VA when faced with formal Federal Competitive Dog fighting allegations.

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Mike was all bitniz with his dark suit and even steven haircut. I guess those cornrows gave off that “yes I smoke the sweet grass, fight my dogs, and bang out unsuspecting babes with regularity” feel he wasn’t looking for. Damn Mike, we hope you are exonerated, but homey, I can’t lie. It’s not looking good. Jigga, Mikey not guil-ty? We shall see. Stay tuned.

Us Versus Them Public Service Announcement: No More Man-on-Man R&B Duets

July 26, 2007

This is a topic that has been bothering me for quite some time. The Man on Man action between these R&B stars. I mean, what makes Usher and R. Kelly think they can get away with this sh*t? R&B is already teetering on the fringe of utter bitchiness as is, so why double the trouble with a song with two men on it? Furthermore, if you poll most R&B fans, they already figure that all yall are either A. gay or B. freaky enough to do some gay sh*t, so why jump on a song with another suspect man.

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We let the Rapper/R&B singer duet slide (sometimes that gets carried away too), but unless you’re in a group, I don’t want to hear call and response from two homo-thugs with lip gloss in their hair and texturizer on their lips (and no that was not a dyslexic moment, I meant it how I wrote it)

“Same girl, same girl…. I met her in Atlantaaaaaaa, I met her in Chicagooooooo” (aRa and Usher making me uncomfortable on)

F*cking horrible. And that goes for all Akon/T-Pain songs and that god awful “Umbrella” Remix by Rihanna with Chris Brown, too (which I know is different, but I don’t care, same category). Again, I like the song, well, the original version (though I still say Rihanna can’t dance), and I enjoy Chris Brown generally, but I don’t need to hear you singing in the same key as a young nubile woman.. just a-skretchin, and a-stretchin for them high notes in that upper register… “Come into meeeeeeeeee” Listen to that sh*t, it’s just awful!

And now that I think about it Usher is a 2 time offender! After reading this clairvoyant post, a loyal UvT reader in NYC reminded me of that Ice Box (remix) Usher did with Omarion.. TERRIBLE!!!!

No no no, and like Puff, I don’t want NO INTERJECTIONS! The shit just isn’t acceptable. It’s bad enough we have to put up with boy bands as is, but this stuff just has to stop. Here is a list of cats who absolutely cannot sing on the same track:

Chris Brown, Craig David, Brian McKnight, All of Dru Hill and their known associates, R. Kelly, Usher, Ne-yo, Lloyd, Justin Timberlake, Bobby Valentino, Mario, Omarion, T-Pain (especially not T-Pain’s fruity arse), Akon, the Rza, the Gza, Ol’ Dirty Bastard, Inspectah Deck, Raekwon the Chef, U-God, Ghost Face Killer and the Method.

Nan one of yall can do a duet with any other person on the list, that is, unless Jacko gets a “We Are the World- USA for Africa Part Duex” with half the “artists” rapping their parts. I won’t even allow another Black Men United “You will know”.

(yeah boy, that’s diggin in some crates) and I don’t care what the cause is, because if I’m not mistaken, that was a Tevin Campbell brainchild and we haven’t heard from that fool since he got caught messin with that MALE prostitute. Cats have officially lost their duet and philanthropic privileges. That’s it. And that’s the bottom line cuz Lake said so!

– Lizzake the all powerful

Making the Band 4: Laurie Ann Gets FIRED by Puff! “No Interjections”

July 26, 2007

UPDATE:  Check out our latest update of Season 3 of Making the Band 4, “Laurie Ann Returns” HERE

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Listen, I was supposed to let me boy Brock lace up the MTB4 updates, but after watching the last show, I just had to say something about the conflict between Diddy and Laurie Ann. You guys know Laurie Ann, the crazy choreographer who clearly thought she was more attractive and talented than she really was.. case in point:

Album? Superstar? Has this chick completely lost all her good sense? First off, she played herself in that absurd electric blue leotard with those “ab implants” or whatever that soft middle region was supposed to be. Second, “baby gurl” was a fly girl on In Living Color, yes THAT early 90s hit TV show. That means she’s at least 37 years old (roughly the same age or a little younger than JLo). And finally, she beefed with a monster in the music biz, Sean Puffy, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy, Combs — WHY?!?! I mean, did I really hear her say that without her “there would be no show” and “you can’t edit me out”? Excuse me? All we know you from is the Making the Band series, which means you owe all of your public fame to Puff, no matter how many random artists you’ve choreographed videos for.

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Damn, damn damn.. And what’s this we hear about her calling the NYPD on Puff supposedly because he threw a chair at her? Hey, I don’t care if he pulled a Remy Martin and shot you, you don’t f*ck with Diddy when you’re trying to start a career in singing and besides, even if he did, I’m with Puff on this one. And boy oh boy, I can’t lie. That final exchange between Puff and Laurie Ann was CLASSIC (reminded me of more than a few Durham Don “Corleone” exchanges I’ve witnessed of the years).

Puff: they’re gonna have to be able to dance, ya know? How long did they rehearse?
Laurie Ann: Just today
Puff: Today? Why was it just today (voice of total incredulity)?
Laurie Ann: Because that was the task…and we had 8 hours…and they were better when they left.
Inaudible cat in the background: uhh, err, this is the first time we could get her (Laurie Ann) in.
Puff: OK, then I told you to get me another choreographer, because right now, you want me to make a cut, I can’t make a cut on guys who learned a routine in one day.
Puff: (in utter disbelief, mouth agape, per usual) I didn’t know it was one day, I wouldn’t have been able to learn all that shit in one day —
Laurie Ann: (sounding like a 7 year old, rather than the 37 year old she is) Yes you would have…
Puff: Baby gurl that aint what I said to do with MY SHOW MEH! I told you if she can’t do it, get me another choreographer, that’s it.
Laurie Ann: (in baby talk) May I interject?
Puff: No interjection. There’s only one! (HAA) Only one person’s show.
Laurie Ann: (semi yellin) No, I don’t have a problem with, based on-
Puff: Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Naaah, I’m, Baby gurl, I’m not takin no interjections
Laurie Ann: I was just–
Diddy: I’m not takin NO INTERJECTIONS (LOL, this was just too good)!!
Puff: (slight, almost imperceptible pause) Now I’m about to go psycho for real
Laurie Ann: (inaudible neck poppin, gum smackin and mean muggin) So am Eyeee!
Puff: What? Well GET THE FUCK OUT THEN!!!!!!
Laurie Ann: I’m not scared of you!!! (translation: This is a major mistake. What am I doing right now, I’m deeply concerned and fearful for my career)

Whoooooooooooooooooooooooo we!!!!! I loved that sh*t.. Had to run it back on Tivo at least 5 times. Oh man. I wonder if he absence/inability to teach them the “routine” earlier that weekend had anything to do with that reality show she’s now shopping. That would make the “Baby gurl, there’s only one” smack make sense. He’d been telling her to “shut the f&ck up all season long”. I guess she didn’t get the hint.

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And this babe is going to publicly talk shit about Diddy AND call the NYPD on him and think she’s gonna get a record deal or get this random reality show off the ground? Maybe she better go ask Dylan, Fred, Nes, Babs, Sarah (and that Ike Turner Jr. Jr. clown husband of hers) and Chopper about what happens to your career when you don’t act right with Puff.

Let me ask yall a question, with all this “Baby gurl” talk and this uncomfortable, non-professional, line steppin Laurie Ann was doing, what percentage would you put on the probability that Diddy is, has or can whenever he wants to bang out Laurie Ann?  I’d put it at about 98.54% probability of that ass tappities have occurred.  Too funny….

– Lake

Oh my! This is turrible. Deelishis has a video?!?!

July 26, 2007

Deelishis…can I call you Lishi?  As good as anything else.  We need to talk, about this:

I hear you.  A girl from the D has to stretch out that fame as long as she can.  But damn girl, that right there is turrible.  Those showt shawts ain’t working with with ya, their working against ya.  I know the song is called “Rumpshaker”, but your ass is giving a return on investment of 5-7 extra shakes every time you move.  Don’t get me wrong, I like to see a little extra pop with my lock and drop, a little extra shake with my shimmy, but something ain’t right back there.  Now I know you hooked up with Busta, but when he said “Make it Clap” he meant the booty cheeks, not the thigh with the back of the knee.

Then there is that dance break.  You already couldn’t sing in the beginning, not you have to prove you can’t dance too?  Not necessary girl.

Then, when I already can’t take it no mo.  When I’m ready to tap out, you bring in…who the hell is that?  Well it doesn’t matter, because you immediately turn yourself into a videho in your own damn song!  What the hell is that?  Beyonce doesn’t sing the first two verses then make one booty cheek pop while some random rapper drops their 16 bars.  (Okay, just once, in that Deja Vu video, but Jay-Z is her man, and they kept it in the fam)  Oh and yeah, limit that cat to 16, how long was that dude rapping?

I’ve already talked about this for too long.  ‘Lish, here’s your best bet.  Locate the camera.  Turn your body172 degrees in the other direction.  Bend at the waist while arching your back.  Look back over your shoulder.  Smile.  Make them promise to airbrush the photo.  Other than that, you either need to make plans to get on a nationwide strip club tour or apply to DeVry or University of Phoenix or something so that you can figure out how quickly you can pick up a skill you can use.  Why? Because I think you’re only going to get fifteen minutes of fame, and right now, the UvT stopwatch reads 14:57.

-Brock

Thug U: Ex Terps Hoops Star cops to gun violations..AGAIN!

July 26, 2007

Further evidence of (1) why so many people (Maryland fans included, see firegarywilliams.com) believe that Gary Williams sucks as a legitimate elite college basketball coach, and (2) why the University of Muuurland is literally the worst and most embarrassing member of the ACC family.

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Forrmer Maryland basketball star Lonny Baxter pleaded guilty (last) Thursday to illegally shipping guns through Federal Express, his second guilty plea in less than a year for gun-related offenses.

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The 28-year-old Baxter could receive up to seven months in prison under a sentencing recommendation agreed to by his lawyer and federal prosecutors. Baxter, who is scheduled to be sentenced Aug. 31, also is barred from owning firearms in the future. Damn, don’t you hate when that happens?

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Last August, Baxter was arrested by the Secret Service for firing off a Glock handgun in the air near the White House (happened to me last week, sometimes you just gotta let one loose, especially right in front of the White House..WTF?!).

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(I wonder if Lonny is strapped in this picture? And that black on black, awful)

He pleaded guilty to gun charges and was sentenced to two months in prison. Boy oh boy. We’ll see what ole Lonny gets this time. It’s funny, these cats being thugs was cool when they were winning, but suddenly, nobody is laughing (except me).

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Look Terps fans, it’s gonna be a LOOOOOOOOONG year and mark my words, you will NOT make the NCAA Tournament this year. You struggled last year with a core of seniors in house. Sorry, Gary is gonna just have learn to recruit.. and no, these hoes with the exposed clevage and an affinity for your chicken wangs aint gonna cut it. Have you seen that recruiting class for 2007? Simon Cowell said it best, ‘ghastly’. 2008 looks no better as you’ve landed exactly ZERO of your targets. Let’s face it, the emergence of Georgetown is killing you right now. That Gary extension aint looking so hot fellas. Neither is that Lefty Driesell Jr. Jr. assistant you got ‘for recruiting purposes’. NEXT.

Baby Mama Drama: Matt Leinart’s says PAY ME!!!

July 25, 2007

“I aint saying Brynn’s a gold-digger, but she don’t want Brady Quinn figures”

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Arizona Cardinals Quarterback Matt Leinart and his alleged (by his baby mama) campaign to fashion himself as the “Out of Wedlock Father of the Year” hit a snag recently when his Baby Mama, USC Women’s Basketball player Brynn Cameron, broke ranks, went ahead and called him out publicly for his gross hypocrisy and “this is why you suck” fatherly flow.

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(Git ‘er dun Matt.. Don’t stop git it, git it)

Let Matt tell it, he’s enjoying everything from the diaper changing to “kissing his little man’s toes”(his words, not ours), but his ex, Brynn Cameron, has a different story to tell. The bitter, soon to be cougar had this to say:

“It’s kind of hard for me as the mom – I’m with Cole probably 99.9 percent of the time – to open a magazine or read a newspaper article with Matt saying, ‘Oh, I love being a dad. I love changing diapers. I love doing this’. I’m like, Wait, what?’ I’m doing all the work, but he gets all the credit for it. Matt comes and goes whenever he wants. I don’t want to sit here and bad-mouth his lifestyle, but it is hard because we are different people (so why did you repeatedly F*ck him without a hat?). He likes that Hollywood stuff (meaning famous hoes that aren’t YOU) and I don’t like that (meaning famous hoes that aren’t YOU) and raising a kid together, you have to work together as parents, but we’re so different.”

Ouch! Matt hasn’t been this hurt up since Vince Young showed him what a real QB looks like in the Rose Bowl back in 2006. Don’t you love how ole girl is saying that she’s not trying to bad mouth Matt or his lifestyle? Hilarious. What else are you doing by publicly playing him and basically calling him a lying deadbeat. Damn. Oh and if you “don’t want [your] son in the public eye” then why did you take this picture for the news organization you used to smear ML?

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Taking a page out of the Matt Lying-art play book perhaps? Trying to style yourself as some sort of struggling mom putting herself through college and raising a son with no help? Whatever…..Man, usually I side with the kids, which often means siding with the mom by extension, but this is some bullshit. I’m with Matt, F*ck it. This babe should be happy she’s getting what she’s getting, a reported $6,000 per month!!! UvT sources, however, have learned that ole girl wants $30,000 a month!!! $30k in child support? Beeeyatch, I’ll give you a perfect line from Outkast’s “Ms. Jackson”, Big Boi style:

“Let’s her know her [child] is a baby and not a paycheck, private school, daycare, shit, medical bills, I pay that”

Man, this is the other side of the silky headed toez equation. What could this chick possibly need $30K for. What could Cole Leinart, who is 9 months old, possible do with $30k every single month?

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I guess he’s gonna get that double stroller whether he likes it or not. What you gonna do, put the stroller on Dubbs? It’s been said so many times, but it never gets old.. wrap up fellas. Chicks like Brynn are great over a case of Natty Light in the frat house, but when the shit hits the fan, they wanna take you for your loot cakes (Fif Dog’s words for you ‘Tribe fans).

No Love.

– Lake

The fall of Beyoncé

July 25, 2007

You know I hated adding that BS accent on at the end of her name right?  Your name is not Michellé

(allegedly pronounced Michelle-lay) it is Michelle.  But whatever, that is not what I’m here for.  I’m here for this:

Beyonce’ takes a header don’t a flight of stairs in Orlando and keeps it rolling.  The man took down the Kelly Rowland link within hours, and I expect them to do the same here.  So enjoy it while it lasts.

 You know what is messed up though?  This clip of Michelle taking a dive has been up on the net for years.  Who is protecting her.  The way Beyonce’ looks at her and keeps it moving is priceless:

-Brock

Thick white woman alert: Kimmy K (this is the remix)

July 24, 2007

Update: Check out our post with Kim Kardashian’s Playboy pics HERE!


Again, we don’t need an excuse to post these Kim K pics. For those who don’t know, that Kim Kardashian/Ray J porno was good n terrible. Good because Kim Kardashian’s body is insane, peep it:

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Silky smooth and right.

It was terrible, well, because Kim wasn’t as active as you’d want from that body. I mean, you’re just expecting a Michael Jordan type performance (or at least a Paris Hilton type performance) and what we really ended up getting was Sebastian Telfair-esque. Don’t get me wrong, she did excel in a few key areas, just not the full performance I expected. At any rate, here are a few more gratuitous Kimmy K, thick as she wanna be pics. Enjoy.

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Classy, smart, smooth and just what you want. I mean, I’m trying to make this tail piece out to be a fluke, but it just isn’t. It’s all her. Great.

– Lake