Archive for the ‘Asymmetrically Thick Chick’ Category

Kim Kardashian Dancing With The Stars Break

September 19, 2008

You’d think that at this point, we’d be getting tired of Kim Kardashian’s ass drapped into some new gear.

But you’d be very wrong.  Dude, maybe it’s just me, but that hook never gets tired.  I mean, in a dress, filling some jeans, up high in some short shorts or down low in some drawls.  I’m sorry ladies, I know she’s a near guarandamnteed gel/silicone abuser.  I know she’s got almost zero personality and I even know that her skills in the sack don’t begin to cash those checks that her ass has been writing.

But it still doesn’t matter.  Angle three please.

I don’t know about that shot.  I mean, really.  Are yall seeing this?  Unbelievable and I don’t know if it’s the best thing ever or the worst.  But those rims look fresh to death.  Anyway, I’m waiting like a mufucker for this season of Dancing With The Stars and it aint because of Warren Sapp, ok?

Well, that’s a lie.  I do want to laugh at Warren, but Kim K in some “buck-ed naked” spandex, slimming down while that tail piece gets fitter, faster, strongerrrrrrrrrrr.

Sheeeeeit.  Even Clay knows that’s the truth.

– Lake

Sponge Broad Square Arse: Angel Lola Luv!

September 16, 2008

Albany, NY is the State Capital of New York and a hotbed for progressive ideas around education.  So it was no wonder that the fine public servants in that district choose a true role model to kick off their “Back to School Extravaganza” last week.  Peep the highly motivational speaker, Angel Lola Love at the school assembly.

Haaa, and no, I’m not kidding!  This really is the outfit ole girl rocked at the school as she spoke to our nation’s youth. What possible message could this chick have for the kids?  “If you aren’t smart, don’t have a great personality and lack the proper fatness of the ass to excel in the objectification bidness, maybe you can sell your soul to the local ass gel bootlegger.”

And we wonder why kids are completely fucked in the head.

“Beetle Juice, Beetle Juice, Beetle Juice.”

Goddamn.  Where’s the Gap when you need it?  Anyway, back to discussion at hand.  Can any of you explain to me:

1.  Why Albany Public Schools would EVER invite an ass gelling, breast “through some E’s on that b*tch” enhancing, neck tatting, booty shaking, chick like this to talk to children?

2.  How the ass in question actually became SQUARED the fuck out?

I mean, that shit is just bizarre!  Look at the way the tail gives up high.  It’s creepy.  And I guess I already know the answer, but I still gotta ask, Angel Lola Love’s Ass. Real or FAKE?

Lol…  I tend to agree.  Hey Albany Superintendent of Schools.


– Lake

Bow Wow Checks Some Video “Vixens”

June 19, 2008

I’m still totally faded right now from the C’s win and the aftermath, but I would be remiss if I didn’t hit up this little tidbit I saw the other day on the net. I guess some video hoez got into a room, talked about the exact topics we all probably expect they speak of in every conversation of every single day, ie. Men with Money, Dack Size, Sex, people who want to have sex with them, their asymmetrically thick bodies, “the Industry” (whatever that means) and their “fame”.. I mean, the only thing missing was a line of coke and a knock off Fendi bag, ya dig? I mean, I don’t expect these chicks to be geniuses, but at least try not to be sooooo stereotypical.

Oh well, I guess that’s what happens to you when you’ve been getting hit off since the 6th grade eeeerrrr men have been trying to have sex with you since you hit puberty at the age of 12 1/2. Anyway, some chicken headz were talking greasy about Bow Wow and Mr. Wow just wasn’t having it. Peep the commentary from Dollicia Bryan and Rita G. that set the Lil Man off:

Wait a second, all the disses are fine (well, not really), but did that chicken Rita G. (NSFW) actually fix her mouth (like Collagen) to say she’s of “Moorish descent”? Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Say what? I mean, dude, if that chick is of “Moorish descent”, my extra grand grand grand pappy on my mother’s side was kicking it with the Berbers (alright, that’s probably a bit too esoteric for the homies at UvT) back in Negative 2008 B.C. with Lucy, those Geico Cavemen (back when they were funny), the Missing Link and Mumm-Ra the Ever Living.

Chick, you’re Moorish alright.

Meaning you talk More “ish” that what I can take. (Rita G. NSFW HERE)

And More Ass than anyone could have hoped or dreamed for…damn. But back to the non physical substance. Is this babe serious? Come on.. I mean, dude, why can’t we just let a hoe be a hoe these days. What happened to the days when chicks were black, white, afro centric asian or spanish, done? Was it just me or were things much easier back in those days?

Don’t start in with all this “well, I’m actually Hammurabian on my father’s side, well, my biological father….but I grew up Navajo, so I’m really in touch with the earth, dats were I got deez KFC thighs, from that side and then I was messing with this dude, named Brock las- nite, so I got some black in me too” AHHHHHNT. Ok, that was lo, but what can I say? I’m still drunk from the C’s game.

But listen, and this is my last word on this narrow topic, but if you ever ask someone what race they are (which you probably shouldn’t be doing anyway, but I get it as it relates to video and non video hoes) and they start their answer with “actually”: 1. They’re about to lie to you, 2. They’re bullshit and 3. They’re probably good in bed and do freak nasty shit while rounding third base that will leave you wonder why you even need to slide into home…ummmkay?

Listen to uncle Lake.. ha I ask a hot and legitimately exotic babe where she’s from and I get an answer in 1.85 seconds…I ax a ho where she’s from and suddenly I’m in North Africa, Southern Europe and some short-named wild card spot like oh I don’t know, “Bali” that nobody can really confirm. Meanwhile, you ask the broad “Ok, where did you go to High School” and invariably they’ll tell you Greenbelt, Maryland…. Lord knows I don’t like to curse but:

And I wasn’t the only one who didn’t like Rita G’s Act. Peep what Bow Wow had to say not only about Rita G. but also about his supposedly jump off Dollicia Bryan.

Oh yeah, that Dollicia, peep it:

WOW. I didn’t know Bow Wow had it in him. And yo, that joint was produced and delivered with perfection , too. Damn, dude reaaaaally got at Dollicia. Ha. Man, what is wrong with these video hoes? Keep acting like this and they’ll fail to land that all important paid Baby Daddy angle they’ve been working their whole lives for. Come on. These chicks gotta know they’re one set of stretch marks away from going back on that pole. Sure, they’ll hit up the Client 9 circuit for a bit, but even that is a temporary job. Tell em Bow… These chicks shouldn’t have anything but praise for a dude like you. When will they learn?

– Lake


Not that we didn’t know the Dollicia chick was a groupie video ho clown, but I came across a few more pics that are fairly hilarious within this context. First, Dollica and her old squeeze Jamie Foxx as he gets a nice squeeze.

Again, perfectly ok without the Bow Wow talk. So Jamie is getting his ‘bag o’ tricks I’m ole st. nick….bitch’ act on. It’s all good and oh, what was that about Dollicia and Bow?

Yeah, sure… Seems like Bow Wow is completely out of his ‘comfort zone’ and you look completely offended. Kind of like in this next pic.

It’s so terrible that it’s good. Ha. Bow Wow has a new fan….BROCK.. ahnt. ha

Beauty and a Beast

June 13, 2008

All this synthetic talk requires me to bring it back to some wholesome goodness that only the lawd could have made and I’m not talking about “the Hugh Heffner on High” either. lol Meagan Good is a Top 5 UvT talent.

And while I’m not a big fan of this dress, even Lake can cut a lady some slack on a Friday.

Yes indeed… Not too much, but definitely enough. I guess “now stop, oh, and wiggle wit it (yeah)” wouldn’t be appropriate. Is that cat “throwing the yo” behind her? Probably….

Now compare that to the Gel Ass we’ve been discussing of late. I don’t mind admitting that it’s been on my mind for a minute. I’m thinking 1. How can I tell if we have a case of “Gel Assness” and 2. Would I give a damn if I suspected or even knew a babe was rolling with a “Gel Bottom”?

Well, we’ve got part one figured out….

It’s too punchy, right? Plus that bedazzling on the thigh told me everything I needed to know. Lock it in, we’ve got a rubber butt. And this time, oddly enough, I don’t like it. UvT is still officially neutral on the fake ass though. I don’t know, we’ll see.

– Lake

Are You Gellin’? The Kardashian Arse Debate Rages On

June 12, 2008

If you’re a loyal reader of UvT you know there has been a crazy debate about Kim K’s ass in the comments section.

A self described and admitted ass geller (lol) “Zsa Zsa Cookie” told us that she knows Kardashian’s ass is not real. She further alleges that Kardashian’s dumper is filled up with the same substance, ass-a-licious love gel, that she put into her very own ass to give herself that synthetic thunder.

I shit you not. And then, she commanded me to google that “Hydrogel Butt Injections” to prove her point. Well, sheeeit, as a committed life long learner, you know her will I did obey and what I learnt astonished me. WOW.. There really is some wild chick flying around the country, selling bagged up ass to the highest bidder! What is this, some kind of bastardized Robin Hood, rob from the lab, give to the needy stripper? And it appears that dat ass is selling like HOE CAKES!!! Dude, I’m like my boy Will from the comments, if the ass gel is so good and so effective in the fight against negative arse-ness, why doesn’t everyone have it? Or do they?

Right and that’s when you start to feel those walls closing in on you. I mean, could you have been hittin gel for all these years and not even know it? If you were running your hands through Barbaro Mane for the better part of your adult life, why not?

Just as an aside, don’t you love how they make the broad so miserable in the “before” pic? I mean, she aint got no lip chap, is in desperate need of Proactiv and from the looks of it just got popped for trying to lift condoms from her local 7-11. I mean, basically they give you a mug shot, right? Then it’s weave time and everything changes. Suddenly our convicted felon has the custom fit and feel of Aubrey from Making the Band. And yes, I’ll resist expounding on Aubrey….this time.

Yo, I’m here to say that I can’t tell you if Kimmy K’s ass is gellin’ like magellean, ok? Lola Luv’s neither.

What I can tell you is that they’re both banging like a benzy and just like Mario Winans, I don’t wanna know. I mean, if you’re gellin, keep it on the lo.

Dude, let’s just try to put that crazy Angel Lola Luv arse into perspective.

I mean, it’s just hilarious to actually think for a microsecond that such an ass could even possibly be “real”. I mean, come on. Has ANYONE seen a body like that? Fine, I’ve seen asses that big, but they’re attached to a regulation sized lower back, a skrong thigh and study calf. I mean, could her shit be any more out of proportion?

I just don’t have that kind of expertise, but the ladies in the comments sections, some that have first ass errr hand knowledge of today’s technology, swear up and down that her ass (and Kimmy K’s) is as phony as a $3 bill.

Man, I hate this shit. It’s like when I first learned that chicks had weaves. Dude, literally, I really didn’t know and I aint been right since! I mean, you can’t trust anything these days. Double D breass-tah-sis have to be looked upon with suspicion, sub prime mortgage backed securities got my 401k actin’ a bitch, Jello allegedly has swine hoof in it (that’s why it’s so good?), and Petro costs $5 a gallon!!! I can’t trust long silky hair without a background check and two witnesses from the hairdressers. 1 in 4 mufuckas in NYC have herpes and now ass aint even ass! Seriously, this is what you call Lake Arlington hell. Forget the culture wars, can a nilla get a honest and wholesome table dance?

Oh yes, it’s all fucked up.

– Lake

Bow Wow’s Chick Brings that THUNDER!

May 22, 2008

Hey, if there is one thing that’s for certain, it’s that they will continue to produce ridiculously hot babes.  Take this chick for instance, Dollicia Bryan, she’s basically the next Vida Guerra and I’m happy to have made her acquaintance. 

Wow, say what you want about that King, but they bring the heat more often than they don’t.  I can’t believe Lil Bow Wow bagged this broad, but I guess it’s true.

Sheeeeeeeeeiiiit!  That cat is looking like he’s seeing some things, man.  One more. 

That aint no airbrush neither.  Damn.  Something tells me, we’ll be seeing more of this chick.  I know, I know, Video Hizzie is just like the skrip who is just like the pro and the knee bone is connected to the hip bone.. i know. 

– Lake

Rihanna got more thigh than KFC?

March 20, 2008

We all know Rihanna’s arse piece has basically been put into that witness protection program. But I can’t lie, these thighs are looking like a Popeye’s dinner special with Red Beans and Rice.


And let’s be clear, that is the perfect angle to just take it all in (go where you want with that). I mean, having the thunder that Ginuwine talked about is only half the equation. Those thighs are looking fairly useful. It’s a rare bird, but sometimes chicks can come with the pencil leg with the exploding arse piece.


But a phenomenon that’s achieved far less attention has to be that skrong thigh moving into the receding tail game. I don’t know, maybe it’s the garter belts or those random leggings I have no use for, but that shot is the most intriguing Rih Rih joint I’ve seen since this one.


Damn, that now you see me, now you don’t arse is baffling. Hey, I know it’s just the dress…has to be, right? I never liked these female illusionist. Keep it honest ladies.. Like Kim K, now that’s some honesty a nilla can live with…lol. Don’t hate.

– Lake


Lake, now I told you back in Assology 102: Rihanna, that she doesn’t tuck it back in.  Here’s the thing…the more I think about it, it might not be a bad thing.  Like you said, the thighs might be thick.  And who is going to say they don’t like thick thighs…not me…I know you wouldn’t bet your fur coat on it.  Look I like a butt crease in my tail piece, but I’d rather take a big booty that tucks into some thighs that are a little too skrong than a negative arse.  Rihanna doesn’t have the “Milian Golden Ratio“, but she can play with Lil’ Brock anytime.

These are two of my favorite things…

February 7, 2008

This banger Angel Lola Luv and anything from “The Wire” are definitely two of my favs. I’ll give you guys a chance to guess what’s on Snoop’s mind right here.


I know, I know, Snoop is about to hit Chris on the burner so he can help her take this up into a Baltimore vacant so she can “kill it”. Believe me, we all knew that’s exactly what was on her mind. LOL. I can’t resist one more pic of this babe.


OK, maybe two:


Or three….dammit!


Yo, I’m pretty sure that’s Brock’s hand right there.. Ha.

– Lake

We need a congressional hearing on butt implants

January 28, 2008

Forget steroids, what we really need to find out is are these asses really what they proclaim to be. Like many of us, I’ve heard the stories about the butt pads the haters say Kim K rocks. But now this controversy is really heating up. I can’t lie, you really have to wonder how asses are getting so fat while stomachs and getting smoother and smoother. On the real, if it looks too good to be real, it probably isn’t real and now cats are actually coming for these video chick’s asses, literally. Peep Angel Lola Luv’s posterior game…


Unbelievable right? Yeah, but is it really unbelievable? Airbrush aside, you don’t go from Weaver’s chicken strip thighs, to an abrupt bowling ball tail like that. I mean, seriously, have you ever seen ANYTHING like that in nature? Me neither. And maybe here’s why:


I can’t lie, something really doesn’t look right. That little under ripple looks more like the ends of my air mattress than something the good lawd brought to us. Who knows, maybe the enhanced tail piece will be as common and accepted as the enhanced J. I mean, I just assume Lola’s breasts are fake, but I really don’t care. Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely not a fan of the fake J for personal use, but what do I care if it’s in a picture?


I don’t. Anyway, we’ve officially put Lola and Coco on fake ass watch. With Coco the evidence seems pretty strong, though you can never really know in the photoshop era. Still here’s the before:


Let’s get another angle.


And clearly here’s the after:


Here transformation makes Barry Bonds’ look like a junior high growth spurt. I just want these chicks to show up to congress, pull a Raffy Palmeiro and say:

“I have never, pulled back the skin on my ass and laid another coat of thickness down over top my tail feather. I don’t know how to say it more plainly than that. Never. The reference to my enhanced back on Mr. Arlington’s blog is completely false. ”

Uh huh.. To be continued….

– Lake

Uber Chick Vida Guerra hits the beach

January 10, 2008

I gotta keep it real for my people. All these political and racists post done got me off my mission. So here you have it.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Wow. That’s pretty crazy.

– Lake