Archive for the ‘Evander Holyfield’ Category

Evander Holyfield: The Real Deal Grill

October 1, 2007

We’ve all known for a long time that Evander Holyfield has taken waaaaaaay to many punches in his career, but this is the last straw. 


(I give you “Thoughtful Holyfield”.  He’s holding a red ball to symbolize…what the hell are you doing in this picture Holy?)

Today, Holy announced that he is bringing the “Real Deal Grill” to the people. (By the way, for that product name to work, don’t you have to pronounce “Grill” as “greel”…which rhymes with how Tim Hardaway pronounces “skills” in one of my favorite commercials.)  It is just like the Foreman grill, but better.  When Evander was asked why it was better, he simply said because it is new.  And as we all know, grill technology improves exponentially, like other high technology products at the same rate as hard drives and processors.


Look, I can’t fault the man for looking for a career after boxing.  Especially since he sincerely believes that God has told him that he is destined to reunite the heavyweight belts at age 45.  But you know this wasn’t Evander’s idea.  Some grill guy was like, we need to sell countertop grills, like that George Foreman guy.  He’s Rich!  What do we need?  Grill…check!  Okay that is a good start, what else does the George Foreman grill have that we don’t?  A boxer!  Tyson?  No too controversial.  Leon Spinks?  Not enough teeth to eat during the infomercial.  I got it! Evander Holyfield.  He’s retired, right?  No?  He fought three weeks ago?  Really?  Call him anyway.

Our crack team of interns did some research and found out that this was just the latest of a long line of failed grill products.


Well ya know Mean Gene, all the little Hulkamaniacs out there gotta train, say your prayers, eat your vitamins, and eat some waffles on my Ultimate grill! (rips shirt, walks off).  And apparently so popular, it’s out of stock.

Then there is the mother of them all:


The Deion Sanders Prime Time Ultimate Hot Dog Express.  Because…hot dogs are really hard to cook and it takes a really long time?  Prime, what were you thinking?  This product is expressly designed to make hot dogs taste like they came off of those rollers in gas stations.  Thanks, but no thanks.  Plus, the Foreman Grill is a diverse piece of machinery.  You can grill steaks and chicken, sandwiches, vegetables.  One the Hot Dog express, you get hot dogs and sausage and kielbasa and uhhhhhhh bratwurst!  Thanks Deion…That’s helpful.  Must be the money that makes you have these great ideas.

So Holyfield, already confident in the success of the Real Deal Greel is already thinking about his next invention:


From the look on his face, he might be thinking for a long time.  I wonder how long it took him to come up with the “Evan Fields” alias to avoid all of that steroid scrutiny.

I didn’t want to just give my opinion on the matter, so I asked around. 

Will Smith, What do you think about the Real Deal Grill?


Ooh, not so good?  Fine, Maurice Clarrett?  Does this thing look like something you could use?


Bruce Bowen?  You’re a champ, you want one?


Well, with all those opinions…Mike Hart.  How do you think the Real Deal Grill will sell?


Yeah…me too.