More From Mini Me’s Hizzie

This has to be the most ridiculous “story” I’ve ever blogged about. I mean, just look at this picture below and tell me who is zooming who?

is it just me or does Mini look like he’s crying out for help here? Sheeit, the cat looks like he’s being held captive by those wild Colombian FARC mofo’s or something, only he’s being held so that he can provide this bottom feeding broad with an extra Cheddar biscuit at Red Lobster.

And no this cat doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but he just looks funny and best I can tell, he doesn’t get this whole Mini Me sex tape thing either… lol

Shit, you’d be crying out for help too if you had a low class hizzoe trying to stick you for your very limited and slow coming loot cakes. Jeez. And she kisses and tells too. Peep what she had to say about their “sex life.”

“So I’d lie on the bed and Verne would crawl up my legs to have sex with me. And as he did it his feet would be tickling my knees! It wasn’t quite as passionate as sex with a normal-sized man but he did his best. He didn’t wear a condom. There was no point, they’re all too big. On the whole though, he wasn’t short of sexy skills and tried his hardest to make up in technique what he lacked in size. I had no complaints. But the whole thing was over in three minutes. It was strange having sex with someone who couldn’t reach to kiss me at the same time, except for my tummy that is! I was so relieved it was over. But minutes later Verne was ready to go again. That night we made love three times in 20 minutes, which most bigger men only dream about doing.”

Ha, I’m not sure why these cats are so interested in this hizzoe and Verne “Mini Me” Troyer, but I think his face and that message say it best here. Don’t you? ha

Dude, doesn’t this broad have some shred of self respect?

Ok, bad question, but doesn’t she at least have a family that she’s accountable to? Like how does it come to this point. The point when you’re admitting that you’re banging out a extra small sized midget that can barely walk.

Go Blue? Jeez… Mini Me in that Michigan hat is so appropriate for those boys in blue up north…. Someone, anyone, help. Look on the bright side, at least Lloyd Carr is gone.

Exactly.

– Lake

Mini Me Sex Tape Partner Exposed!

I promised more on the Mini Me Sex Tape starring Verne “Mini Me” Troyer and Ho trying to get on in Hollywood by any means necessary.

Well, that ho has finally been identified. Meet Mini Me’s ex, 22-year-old aspiring model/actress Ranae Shrider.

LOL. Alright now Mini Me. I can’t hate on that….not at all. I mean, while that face “reminds me of my jeep” and not in a good way, that stomach is screaming “honey love”. I like it. Let me get angle two please:

Errr, my bad. The REAL angle two, dammit. I hate when that happens.

Haaa… Dude, is everyone else tickled pink like I am with this broad? I mean, MINI ME?! I know it’s hard for women to get that come up in the world today, but this babe had to resort to fucking Verne Troyer aka Mini Me? What, Emanuel Lewis wasn’t available?

I mean, what, Gary Coleman can’t have some?

I mean, dude… I gotta get out to LA. For real. If this is what it’s like and the dating scene, I should be wrapping up Halle Berry by mid July . I mean, sure, Ranae isn’t a hot babe, but it’s not like she aint hittable either. Come on now…. Cats have hit faaaaar worse. ha And even if you accept that she’s a low level, let’s say, D- chick in the land of plenty that is LA, imagine the kind of arse that’s available at higher levels. SHE’S FUCKING A NOTORIOUS MIDGET with a built in punchline for a name.

LOL. Apparently she finds it hilarious too. And she still “lives” with the cat. I guess “work” is real hard to come by out there. And now we can all just sit back and wait for the release of the tape, followed by her new reality show with Mini Me. I mean why not, right? Who knows what kind of freaky shit goes on in that household.

I mean, even the dog can’t believe this shit. Dogs, midgets, low budget hoes err models fucking Z list “stars” for rental space. I gotta get out to LA and fast.

Definitely my kind of place. Was it just me or did this chick get progressively worse looking as this post went on. Ha.

– Lake

Not the Sex Tape I Was Hoping For

I’ve been out of pocket and completely off key as I’ve been preparing to leave Boston. Yep, I know, I know, I’m getting tired of all those Championships. Don’t get too cute with it, I’m really only partial to the Red Sox at this point. Anyway, I’ve been knee deep in movers, cleaners, rental agreements, management contracts and of course, going away partying so I’ve been a bit MIA on the UvT front. It’s all good though, Brock has been holding it down. And yes, I can work a middle tier sammich, some creamed spinach, a coke and a fine German automobile all at once, even with a hungry bulldog riding shotgun 8 inches away. Come on now. I’m 1/4 German on my sister’s side.

I can drive the whip with my mind at this point, so you know when I roll out with my knee at the controls it’s all good. But anyway, I just haven’t really been in a position to write, in fact, I’m really bullshitting right now and shouldn’t even be doing this, but I just had to send a shout out in the negative to the Sex Tape gods. I mean, I asked for that good Jessica Biel Sex Tape, hell, even that R. Kelly, “I guess she wasn’t underage remix” Sex Tape. Or how about that Pre and Post “Gelly Butt” Lola Luv Sex Tape double play joint? But the gods didn’t give me that did they, no, they offer Lakey the Mini Me Sex Tape instead. Curses! Lol.

Holy shit! Haaaaaaaa. Come on man. I mean, first off, what is ole Verne Troyer trying to prove in this shot with that tongue extension? Head looking like an oil well pump. I’ll just leave it at that. And we all know that I’m the King of Reality TV, so you know I watched the Surreal Life with Verne aka Mini me. Dude couldn’t even walk on the show, so how in the hell is he going to knock down a full sized woman?

And let’s focus on that woman for a second.

I can see banging out a cat because he’s a gimmicky “movie star”. I mean, let’s face it, some of yall let dudes hit for far less. I knew a cat who faithfully tagged based on an employer issued unlimited subway pass. I don’t know, maybe she’s money hungry or maybe she’s a fame seeker. Who knows, maybe she’s just a freak. But you cannot let Mini Me break out his Mini He and lay the lumber to you on tape!!! You just can’t do it. I think I mean, that was one of those lost commandments within the original ten. “Thou Shalt Not Ever…Neva, eva, eva, evaaaaaaaah, have sexeth with a Minus Me and let thine freak nastiness see the light of day I so graciously provided unto you”.. Right? I mean, you can’t do it. I literally can’t be done. Terrible. And by terrible, I mean I’ll have the link for you as soon as I get it. More later.

Shouts to Kir, second nominee for UvT Woman of the Year.

– Lake

F*cking Hilarious: Jerry Springer is still doing it

Dude, I may be going to hell for this one, but it’s worth it.

Fucking hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Proof positive that trifling, scandalous hizzoes come in all sizes..LITERALLY. haaaa

Jesus!!!

– Low Lake

Britney Jr. is Preggers, of course she is!!!

The blogs are blowing up about Jaime Lynn Spears being pregnant. Well, of course she’s pregnant, she’s Jaime Lynn Spears aka Britney Jr. Jr. which means two things, 1. She’s f*cking all the time and 2. She’s country stupid. Remember this?

Brit was showing her the ropes back then and from the look of the expression on that face, she already had some ahem field study underway. Jaime Lynn is now the same age Britney was when she unleashed the freak back in her first recording days. It’s only natural that a 16 year old Jaime will endeavor to cut raw dog and get knocked up just like her sister did back then.

The questions is not “Is she Pregnant?”, if you’re a Spears girl and above the age of 15, you’re either preggers or fixin to be, the issue is whether she’ll be preggers for long! My guess is no.

Come on now, yall know Brit was 5 months away from either “gonna be pregnant” or “used to be pregnant” in that shot. It’s just the way of the young and stupid freak.

Damn, I’m always surprised at how tight Britney used to look. Intern, run another Brit pic at me for old times sake.

Oh yes, I remember it well. My goodness, it’s pretty crazy when you consider how far she’s fallen off.

– Lake

——–UPDATE———

Damn.  That is messed up. I was going to put ol’ Jamie-Lynn on the watch list for the second coming of Britney.  She had a shot once she filled out and got the Spears family boob job.  At least Britney got a few glory years in.  Now Brit Jr. is going to go straight from this:

To this:

By the way, the interns found this pic I had never seen before.

She just propped right up in those boots, huh?  Damn…the thrill is gone.  The best part of the internet may just be the instantly accessible preservation of these memories.

-Brock

Tom Brady scores again: It’s a boy!

Congrats to Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan on the birth of their new baby.

(now watch that hand there Bridget, after all, that’s how yall got the first one!)

Bridget is said to be doing fine which is somewhat astonishing, after all, she did look like this just a few days ago.

Dude, seriously, we didn’t know what was up in there. I mean, Tom Brady is the ultimate gamer, the ultimate perfectionist and the ultimate stud. So it was only fitting that the kid would have his host errrr Mom looking like she does above, but we were still a little confused, that was, until we saw the little guy.

(stuntin like his Daddy for real)

Indeed, he’s already exceeding expectations in true Brady fashion. So much so that I think the Giants just burned a 2008 first round draft pick and cash considerations for Little Tom’s rights.

Figures, he’s at worst a lock to have as good an NFL career as terrible Eli Manning is right now, right? Let’s just hope that Bridge and Tom can keep it together with the contract/payments errrr family-focused assessment of what is in the best interest of the child and his parents in the months and years to come.

Indeed, if Bridget can get past the New England Patriots Quarterback’s decision to leave her sperminated arse back in December for supermodel Giselle (can’t hate on him too much for that) then we really shouldn’t have any messy Baby Mama Drama entries to pound out for your viewing pleasure on this here UvT.

Whatever you do Tom, don’t go the way of Chicago Bears Linebacker Brian Urlacher.

(Urlacher is a wild, wild boy!!!)

Sheeeyut, it’s hard to pick a Baby Mama Drama story with this cat. Clearly as a result of his wildness he’s now divorced, but it appears that homey wasn’t just killing them on the football field. First, homey had two children out of wedlock while he was married and/or with his wife. Then he got back with his wife/mother of his legit kids, only to continue chasing down these hoes like he was chasing down QBs and running backs last year. And all of this culminated with UGLY public Baby Mama Drama including wild threatening text messages he was sending to one of his Baby Mamas and just general wildness that we don’t need to detail here.

Needless to say, Urlacher is NOT a role model in that regard. I mean, seriously, just think about the extent to which he must have really been blazin’ these Chi-town h*oes, because he had to use condoms with most of them right? And if he got two chicks pregnant, just imagine how many Chicago and other NFL city babes he hit raw dog but DIDN’T actually sperminate. Damn, I can’t tell if Urlacher is just a rock star stud or a truly terrible cat. I gotta think on that one. All I know is that he’s in a custody battle with some stripper (come on man) for his son. Wildness.

What I’m waiting to see is if the all knowing omniscient purveyor of all that is good, decent, godly and right for the NFL will suspend Tom Brady for having a kid out of wedlock? You never know, his rulings have been horribly arbitrary and capricious to this point. Why not just take it all the way?!?!

– Lake

More trouble for Vick

It’s bad enough that Mike Vick has the feds on his ass for being a dog fighting kingpin. That he can’t play “the game he loves” thanks for that quote Brady, or that he’s still waiting on modern medicine to get him off his permanent/irreversible Ron Mexico status.. Tough.. Now, the famous line that came out of Friday when Craig was told to go get a job has actually come to life. If you recall, Craig didn’t want to work with his pops as a Dog Catcher. This was pops response:

“Soon enough, you won’t have to worry about catching a dog….you’ll have to worry about a dog… catchin’ yo’ ass!!!”

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Well, that’s what Mike is dealing with now since some evil genius (can’t believe I didn’t think of this) just came out with the Mike Vick dog chew toy.

Haaa Man, I’m not sure Mike is getting the fairest of shakes, but dude, this sh*t is just funny. Poor Mike, he’s literally gonna have dogs on his ass all year long.

———–

This just in, they’ve even got a bootleg Mike Dog chew toy.. HAAAA

Haaa, this is terrible. Looks like a bootleg Blair Underwood holding an over sized lemon. I also like how cats can create a toy that’s just a black dude, holding a football, looking NOTHING like the actual cat with some bullshit uniform and a number 7 on his chest piece and make money off it. Sheeyut, this cat looks like every third brother you see. Not sure you’ll find too many black folks feeding their dog this Brock Hardon eeeerrr every black man look-a-like toy anytime soon.

I can see it now, “hey Curtis, why is Fluffy eating the ass off your cousin DeRon?” Then he’ll reply, “Nah, dog, that’s Mike Vick, see, it’s funny”.

…naaaah, these cats gotta do better than this, they’re worse than the cops (medium build, short crop hair).

————————————

Now Lake, you know that doesn’t look like me.  That cat does look like he has been smoking that dark particulate with those extra dark lips.  Plus, you know I stay in the luxury Ferragamo loafers, not those corrective boots.  Ha!

-Brock

It’s Hard Out Here For a Shrimp…

With the news of the new Hobbit movie (sans Peter Jackson), I was thinking about the Lord of the Rings movies and noticed something.

Okay, lets break this down…starting from the left. My man Mikey from the Goonies, Rudy himself, Sean Astin has been working since 1981. He’s straight, he’s got a job.

Elijah Wood, same deal. First of all he was making that main character, Frodo money for this job. So he probably got paid even if he never worked again. But he has also been working since the 80’s (first role, “video game boys” in Back to the Future II? Who knew? Thanks imdb!) and has been working since. The poor man’s Tobey Maguire will keep on keeping on.

Dominic Monaghan, nee “Merry” of Hobbit fame. He wasn’t much before this role, but was able to parley it into three strong seasons as Charlie Pace on the UvT fave show Lost. We are sure to see more from this cat in the future…even if we don’t, he is hitting costar Evangeline Lilly….so yeah, he’s a winner.

Then we get to my man on the far left…who the f*ck is he? I mean, I didn’t know before and I still don’t know now. He was in a BS role in the movie, he is still the second most famous Pippen, after Scottie, and he hasn’t broken out as a stand-alone star. This dude is going to be a Hobbit for the rest of his damn life. Big feet, wet hair, shrunk to midget proportions by movie magic. This cat is destined to be one of those cats who is remembered as their character forever. That sucks.

Maybe there is a help program that can be put together for little cats. Bow Wow hasn’t worked since Like Mike.  Now that I think about it, my man Verne Troyer of mini-me fame hasn’t had a job in years.

Verne, are you chunking them deuces on your own career homey? Because it is ovaaaaaahhh.

-Brock