Somebody needs to tell Mike, he’s Mike

Remember back when Michael Jordan was literally the coolest cat in the world?

Boy, Mike was on back then. Let’s face it, dude made the black high top shoe hot. He had the cut off tee together, the baggy shorts, hell, he even made the forced baldy stylish (and by “forced baldy” I mean, one way or another, your hair you are losing your hair, so you just go ahead and cut all that shit off and try to ride it out like that’s your style. You know, like you intended to have that “look” all along. Hence, “the forced baldy”).

Well those days are long gone. What exactly is up with Miguel’s gear these days?

First off, you’re Mike so the money is not an issue. So we’re really just talking fashion sense and style right now. Truth be told about Mike, if you get him out of a suit, it’s like a fish without water. He’s clueless. I know Mike is 6′, 6″ but somebody has to tell him that Mom Jeans for men went out of style long about 5 years ago. I mean, what’s up with the height of that waist piece? Go and get yourself some low rise, less baggy, less scraggly joints that have actually seen the washer and dryer this quarter. And what’s that design on the front?

And if I’m not mistaken, “Be like Mike” is rocking those Timberland soft leathers I had, literally, back in ’91. You know the ones where they’re a different color black depending on the way you rub the grain on the semi-suede soft leather? Anyway, that’s what he’s got on. And what’s with the business man overcoat? Get yourself a nice casual winter join.t player. I mean, let’s step this up a lil bit my man. I know Juanita got you for a pretty penny, but you’re an icon. We’ve got to maintain appearances here.

– Lake

Juanita Jordan: I get money, I get money, I get I get I get…

Wow. Big bad Juanita Jordan just got that divorce check, a reported $168 Million, from here “husband” of 17 years Mike.

(By the way, that look on her face aint that “Nilla please,” but it does correspond with my favorite cereal)

Hmm, I wonder why this happy couple had to split?

And in case you were wondering, no, there was no prenuptial agreement. Damn, I guess sitting back while your husband runs hoes from Tokyo to Tennessee has its advantages after all.

And of course, this just in, Juanita has herself a 29 year old boyfriend. Of course she does. Taking notes from Shaunie O’Neal I see. I wonder if he was her “personal trainer” too? Lol. Hey, look at it this way Mike… It could have been worse. Juanita could have asked for her loot in Euros, like you used to. Overall, this is just embarrassing and really, hard for me to put into words. I’ve found that when I’ve had a rather large sum of my lootchy taken by a scornful woman, I try to express myself through song. So here it is, my ode to Michael and Juanita (Juanita?) Jordan Mixtape:

Side A – Juanita’s muse

1. I Get Money, 50 Cent
2. Wanted: Dead or Alive, Bon Jovi
3. Money in the Bank, Lil Scrappy
4. Gimme That, Chris Brown
5. Must Be The Money, Deion Sanders
6. How to Rob, 50 Cent
7. It’s Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas, Perry Como
8. Love Under New Management, Miki Howard
9. Bitch Better Have My Money, AMG
10. Dick in a Box, Justin Timberlake
11. Hit Em Up, 2Pac
12. The Takeover, Jay Z

Side B – Michael’s side

1. Cheaper to Keep Her, Johnnie Taylor
2. B*tches Aint Shit, Dr. Dre
3. She’s Out of My Life (Happy Techno Mash up), Michael Jackson
4. Since You’ve Been Gone, Kelly Clarkson
5. Don’t Taze Me Bro Interlude, Idiot UF Student
6. I Feel Like Dying, Lil Wayne
7. When a Woman’s Fed up, R. Kelly
8. “Tittay Tittay” Probate Step Out Song, Que Psi Phi Fraternity, Inc.
9. Gold Digger, Kanye West
10. Wasn’t Me, Shaggy
11. Super Ugly, Jay Z
12. What is Love, Baby Don’t hurt me, Haddaway

I’m not satisfied with my tape, but I’ll be changing it as the tunes come to me. One thing is for sure, Mike will be ok. Can somebody tell me why Mike put Juanita down to begin with? I’ve looked all over the web and this is the best picture of the chick I could find.

Damn, I know casts used to really did that Appolonia/Sheila E tip, but damn… Seems like ole boy could have done a bit better, no? Damn, what’s going on in the NBA wives club? First Shaunie is living la vida loca, then Jason Kidd’s wife gets him for his loot cakes, now this.. AI, watch your back son, you’re next!

“Did Tawanna tell you that?”

– Lake