Archive for the ‘A Rod’ Category

The Universe is Going Nuts

July 29, 2008

I’ve been away from the game for a second, but I’m starting to believe that everything is just going crazy out here. First off, Britney Spears actually looks good in these bikini shots.

Damn, I thought I was ready for Brit to go away, but looking at these pics brings me back to a better time. Come back Britney, come back.

Maaaayne, that aint the old Brit but it’s damn close. And while I usually think people are bullshittin when they say a bathing suit looks nice (it’s usually what’s in it that looks good) this little selection is doing it for me. It’s a damn shame when you’re actually shocked that a chick look normal.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Jesus! Looks like some unholy cross between Lion-o, skeletor and a great white oak! What the fuck happened to Madonna?

Dammit, that shit just isn’t right. Now I see why her old man left her high and dry. Jeez.

At least her daughter’s face acknowledges how ridiculous she looks. Dammit, have we been getting tricked all these years? Dammit, she actually has that look of Michael Jackson here. Looking all weak and decrepit. Fugly. Now see, now that I’ve experienced all that negativity, I need something to bring me back to center.

Ahhh, that’s better.

– Lake

Perfect: A-Rod v. Madonna Sex Tape

July 23, 2008

Only something this intriguing could motivate me to actually do my job this morning.  Oh yes, if you believe the reports, that Madonna and A-Rod sex tape (how crazy does that sound) is officially being shopped by some voyeur slug for a cool $2mil as we speak.

What’s crazy is that at this point Madonna really isn’t any better looking than Alex’s old lady C-Rod.  So I can’t quite understand what he’s thinking.

I know, I know, that face is looking a bit battered and beaten.  Why are we so critical of our women, our queens these days?  And before you accuse ole girl of getting her Skeletor meets the Crypt Keeper on, don’t forget that at this point Madonna is literally looking like an extra bright light version of Castle Greyskull:

Jeez!  It’s like old girl is hooking up nuclear cold fusion in her bicep or at least I think that’s a bicep.  lol  Seriously?  Have you EVER seen someone more befitting of the title of Skeletor than this broad?

A major part of skeletor’s power was that you couldn’t tell if he was rocking muscle on top of super skrong skeleton or exoskeleton on top of super krunk muscle.  And now I ask you, can you tell if Madonna is rocking skeleton on top of muscle or muscle on top of skeleton?

It aint right.  And I know you need to eat 5 to 7 meals a day to get those cuts, so might I suggest that Madonna eat 1 very large lard infused meal a day to attempt to return to normalcy?

And make no mistake about it, Madonna was RIGHT back in her NSFW hitchiking days.

Dude, is it just me or is Alex kind of missing the boat here?  I mean, if the old saying is true that when you have sex with someone you’re having sex with ALL their past sexual partners (and their sexual partners, but I won’t go there) then by my count, and this is just a cat sitting at a pc, A-Rod is banging out Dennis Rodman, Sean Penn, Warren Beatty, a wild bisexual porn star named Tony Ward, VANILLA ICE and a list of personal trainers, dancers, rappers, musicians and actors!  Seriously, can you think of any single female celebrity that you’d put more bodies on than Madonna?  And let’s be clear, though it hasn’t been reported, she did have sex with a wild Pauly Shore, Theo Huxtable and a cat like oh I don’t know The Ultimate Warrior, too.

But I guess when you’ve got a babe who is an international superstar and has been for decades (yikes) even a dude like A-Rod can get those groupie love puppy dog beer goggle eyes going and lose his mind for a clean 5 months or so.

True, I don’t get it either.  Honestly, and I haven’t said this about ANY other Sex Tape that’s come across my desk, but I think this is one tape I’ll have to completely sit out.  And why?  This is why:

Does it get any worse?  Sure, I’d like to see if Madonna can back up all her swagger (more likely than not she can), but something about seeing his A-Rod doesn’t sit right with me.  I don’t know, male genitalia is always nasty, but A-Rod with his purple lipstick, frosted hair and Miami perma-tan just weirds me out.  Then you pair that with Madonna’s middle earth, ash rock skin tone, it’s just unseemly.

– Lake

ARod’s Wife: I Gotta Quit You

July 7, 2008

Cynthia Rodriguez just filed for divorce in Miami, citing infidelity as the main cause.  Ya think?  What tipped you off CRod?  Is the the fact that 78% of all women would bang him out on site for a shot at that quarter billion dollar contract while asking “how many licks will it take ’till I get to shop“?  Or the fact that he cavorts with known strippers and Playboy Playmates?  Or is it the fact that Madonna has been kicking at his NY crib for the last week and a half?  This is not yet confirmed, but I think she also mailed him this shirt as part of her initial settlement offer.

She’s filing in Miami, so I’m assuming that the crib on Star Island is going to be high on the list of “shit I want to keep” along with as much of that $250 Million that 6 years of marriage and two kids can buy you.  I have to imagine that we’re going to hear that the three year old and the three month old are used to a very high quality of life, which for kids that young means that they have two tricycles and all the milk they can drink, which of course requires about $65,000 per month to maintain that kind of lifestyle.

Meanwhile, A Rod has already moved on.

A Rod has had the not quite confirmed for divorce Madonna coming in and out of his crib.  Both are still denying it, but hey…why not?  We already know that Madonna hooked up with a brother of another color a decade ago because he had the right “bone structure” for her future child.

Wow, look at that dude.  What?  Prince wasn’t available at the time?  I remember that Dennis Rodman was also on the short list, so maybe ARod shouldn’t be too honored to be on Madonna’s short list.

I’m sure A Rod will come out of this fine.  Like Chris Rock said, if you’ve got 200 Million and she take’s half, you can still eat…If you make $10,000 and she takes half, you might have to kill the chick.  A Rod won’t have to resort to murder, but he might want to kill the chick by time all of this is done.  Maybe Cynthia Rodriguez can hook up with Shaunie O’Neal and have a divorce party.

New Rule:  Any athlete in the modern era who is due to be on the 50 greatest players of all time list in their respective sport just shouldn’t get married.  It never works out.  Ever.  Why try?


Yousa Fun-Ni Matta Fakka Hideki

March 29, 2008

Hideki Matsui is one funny dude.


See, he even laughs at his own jokes. Here’s how it went down. When playing with the fellas in Spring training, Matsui made a bet with Derek Jeter and Bobby Abreu on who would get married first. He then flew out the next day to get married. Nice, like me, you never make a bet you don’t already know you are going to win. So after he stacks some cash (gotta be long money right? Jeter’s not making any $20 bets like Lake’s cheap ass.)

So the New York media is all over my man to see what wifey looks like. I’m sure Hideki saw what happened to A Rod and Spitzer when you let the NY press get a hold of your personal life. So he hits ’em with this.


Niiiiiice. I wonder if he drew it himself. He took it so seriously too. That is the equivalent of flicking off the media as far as I’m concerned. At least we know he is keeping it real with the Asian babe.

Hey, bad news ladies, I just got married too. Want to meet wifey?


Drew it myself.


Top Hispanics Who We Forget Are Hispanic

December 28, 2007

I love America.  You ask people how they feel about immigration and they are willing to build a wall across the entire Mexican border.  Not the Canadian border mind you, those are nothing more than French speaking white people up there, they must be cool, just the Mexicansand Haitians…and Cubans who don’t look like Elian Gonzalez.


The same people who are ready to send any actual Spanish speaking person to make a run for the freaking border also think Jessica Alba is freaking hot.


And they would be 100% right, she is hot.  But that got me thinking, there are a lot of Hispanic Celebrities that America just starts treating like they are white people.  I know, Alba just looks like a hot white babe with a tan.  No, she’s Latina.  This never happens to Black people by the way, no matter how many white people like you, you’re still Black.  So let’s explore this phenomenon, here is a list:

First, the aforementioned Jessica Alba.  The only time she even remotely claimed her Hispanic heritage was when she paid “hip hop chick” in Honey.


Yeah, that was about as convincing as Mariah Carey playing a hard on her luck Black chick in “Glitter“.

Second there’s Cameron Diaz:


Somehow she just became everyone ‘s favorite skinny white chick.  Her last name is Diaz people, and her hair is not naturally blonde.

Alex Rodriguez:


Ok fine.  I don’t really think that people forget that A Rod is Hispanic.  Although his white wife and “biggest contract in all of sports ever” seems to point to the fact that most people don’t associate Alex Rodriguez with these dudes.


That picture has nothing to do with anything.  It is just fully ridiculous.

Next, there is Eva Longoria:


I guess she gets a pass because she’s hot?  Don’t get me wrong, she’s got a pretty face.  I know Lake and the interns like her, but I really can’t pinpoint why.  Her body is only decent, nothing really stands out about it.  Biel’s got the tail, Britney had the legs, and Paris had the sex tape.  I just don’t know why I care about this chick yet.

Jennifer Lopez probably doesn’t belong on this list.  She played Selena, so she doesn’t exactly shy away from Hispanic Roles.  Here’s the deal, she was definitely drifting somewhere around the Diddy/Ben Affleck years.

The key difference here?  That ass always let you know you were dealing with something special.


Damn, she really lets that thang hang.  Yeah, no one thought they were dealing with a white girl here.

Here’s the real killer.  Charlie and Martin Sheen:


Charlie, do you think we really forgot you have a brother named Emilio Estevez?  Hell, Martin Sheen’s real name is Mondergard Ramón Gerardo Antonio Estévez.    Mondergard?  Doesn’t get more authentic than that. That sounds like a name you choose when you start playing World of Warcraft.  I think Mondergard is a level 37 Dwarf Shaman.  Even Charlie’s real name is Carlos Estevez.

I know the Sheen family meeting where Emilio decided he wasn’t “selling out” the family name and staying a Estevez had to be heated.  The messed up thing?  Emilio hasn’t had a hot movie since “Young Guns“.  I guess becoming “Eddie Sheen” wouldn’t have been such a bad idea after all.


“…Played by ‘Johan’ Santana…(guitar solo)”

December 4, 2007

Ok, that is the one and ONLY Wyclef reference you’ll ever get out of me. Yes, that was my ode to “Maria, Maria.” By the way, what exactly did Clef do in that song if ole boy was singing and Carlos Santana was playing the guitar… Somehow uttering “East Coast, West Coast” doesn’t qualify as a collaboration in my eyes. Oh well.


Fresh off a World Series Championship and reports say that the Sox are the only team talking to the Twins about acquiring the best left hander in the game. Damn, maybe Theo really is the Don.


Let me tell yall something. If the Sox get Yo-Han Santaner, there’s gonna be a lot of slow singing and flower bringing around American League ballparks next year.


Are you serious? Johan Santana, Josh Becks, Dice K, Curt Schill, Wild Wakfield and Jon Lester/Clay Buchholz? Are you serious? With those bats in the line-up? And who are the Yankees to be setting deadlines on people, yeah right, just like they weren’t going to deal with A-Rod if he opted out, right?


Whatever, let this deal go through and it’s gonna be a footloose Pap, a bedazzling Ortiz, Manny being Manny and another World Championship ring cementing the Sawks as a true dynasty.


I look forward to it. Wow.

Here is what Curt Schilling had to say about it on his blog:

A rotation featuring Beckett, Santana as the top two is pretty much as good as it can get. The thought of pitching behind these guys has to fire ya up. That being said I look at it like this.

If we make the move we’ll have done so with Theo knowing whatever he had to trade to acquire him he can restock those spots either from within, or via trade. How much is too much when you’re talking about trading for the best left handed pitcher in the game? How much is too much when you consider what he and Josh could do over the next 5-6 years.

Finally an opinion from Curt that I can appreciate.


2007 World Series Champs: Boston Red Sox!

October 29, 2007


Behind the bat of Mike Lowell and pitching of a resurgent Jon Lester the Sox wrapped up their sweep of the Colorado Rockies tonight with a score of 4-3.


(Mike Lowell’s a monster, for him everyday is Halloween)


(Just give me the light…)

Manny Delcarmen gave up a one run homer in the 7th inning, and Okajima gave up a two run homer in the 8th, but Game 4 was never really in question. Give it to the Rox,they made a little noise in Game 4, but overall, this series was an utter ass whoopin.


The truth is that the Rox were thoroughly outclassed by the Sox at every turn. The Sox’s pitching staff was nails all series long. The hitting was timely and the defense was just enough. It was literally like the Varsity v. the JV out there. Congrats to the Sox for winning two World Championships in 4 years.


Get your dance and freak on fellas.


And you know Schill and his lady had to get in the act.


Even little Manny Jr. and Manny Jr. Jr. were happy.


I guess Tito knew what he was doing after all. Theo and John Henry best get that checkbook ready, because Francona has earned it.


Beckett was a beast all post season long.


And for the Yanks..


Well… there’s always next year. Ha.. Did you like watching the Sox win yet another world championship? Did you? LOL. Oh and don’t think I didn’t notice that A-Rod decided to opt out of his contract with the Yankees. I found it hilarious actually, guess who else did?


Hey, how does that taste Yanks fans? I can just see it, a line-up card that has Ellsbury, Ortiz, Manny, A Rod, Youk, Lowell, Pedroia….shit, they could just stop batting right there. A Rod back at short stop please. Hey godfather, make that happen.


– Lake


A Rod’s Wife says Fu*k You

July 3, 2007

Oooohhhhweeeee, it is heating up in the Bronx. A-Rod’s wife, Cynthia …uhhhh… Rod was spotted wearing a white Stripper-beater with the words “Fu*k You written across the back.


She looks pissed too. You know the shave your face and cut your hair Yankees do not like it though.

In other news, ARod did get a $200,000 All Star bonus. Just what you need when you have a quarter billion dollar contract. Maybe that cat can hit the store and get some better gear.

Here’s the deal though idiots. The shirt is from Chrome Hearts. Anyone with some damn fashion sense knows that. Brock has one hanging in his closet. In fact, if Stray Rod’s wife liked him better, she could probably help the man out. She clearly knows where to get the hot gear. She probably doesn’t want to spend a damn dollar, because that ain’t nothing but fifty cents out of her pocket when she drops his ass and gets half. You best believe it will be after his next contract re-up though.


A-Rod Beats Boston in the 9th, promises to holler at more h*oes.

June 3, 2007

Alex Rodriguez ended a hard-fought weekend series against the rival Boston Red Sox with a tiebreaking homer in the ninth inning to lift the Yanks over the Sawks 6-5.



When asked about the monster solo shot and all the criticism he’s taken of late, A-Rod credited his unconventional preparation in the previous week:

“Truth be told, it was my ho game that lifted me this weekend. People can say what they want, but there’s nothing like a Scores grade piece of arse to put you at ease in the batter’s box…I honestly think that was the difference for me.”


Consider us sold. Somebody get Roger Clemens some free passes over at Pleasers in the BX for that pulled groin. I’m sure that’ll speed recovery.

-Lizzake the Don

A-Rod’s Real Scandal: Turrible Gear

June 1, 2007

Last week everyone heard about Alex and his escapades with ole “Not Mrs. A-rod” aka Joslyn Morse the October 2001 Playboy washout and ex Scores stripper. But the REAL story, at least around here at Us v. Them concerned Alex Rodriguez’ horrible ass gear — not to mention that of his pissed-off wife piece. Goodness, both displayed their complete and utter ‘cluelessness’ as they posed for the cameras in Beantown on Friday.


Alex, dude, you’ve got that $262 million contract with the Evil Empire, can’t you mix in a Seven, True Religion or Citizens of Humanity pair of dark blues like your resident fashion icon Lake Arlington? I mean, look at these joints, all crinkled up with that awful cuff and that 1991 high waist secured by that terrible belt. Then you paired it with that Old Navy super saver sale rack golf shirt. Just awful. You’re Alex Freakin’ Rodriguez, start acting like it.

Oh and your wife looks completely enthused and totally over that small amount of attention you received last week after wining, dining and “generally carousing (to quote Steinbrenner from that Jeter commercial)” with that ex skripper you undoubtedly have on your payroll.


(Incidentally, the not safe for work ‘real deal’ pics of her can be found here… peep at your own risk)

I can’t figure out why you old lady is so mad at you man.. You need to check her dawg…. Things are a far cry from this completely off key and inappropriate pictorial you did for SI.


Ok, we do did have a KFC alert on her thighs, but didn’t this pic start that rumor about you and your lady being “swingers”? Awwwww snap, we’ll save that for another post on another day…

-Lake Luciano