Archive for the ‘I Want To Work For Diddy’ Category

I Want To Work For Diddy: Episode 2

August 12, 2008

We started where we left off, with some gay shit.  First, the tranny is explaining what it means to be a tranny.  The thing is, it’s not that we don’t know what a tranny is or isn’t, it’s that we don’t want to know.

Then Rob comes out as full-on gay.  Wonderful, I’d say I was shocked, but I already saw this pic, so I knew the dude was a don’t ax, don’t tell special with extra glitter on top.

So then they go into some terrible, has absolutely nothing to do with the job, mission in the woods.  Mike was playing the role of the pushy NYC native:

Plenty of NY talk, all kinds of half aggression to essentially no end.  The only thing that was missing was the obligatory, “Yo, I’m from New Yawk, so we need to go this way…..IN THE WOODS.”  It’s either that or “Yo, I’m from New York, we don’t get down in no woods” as if it’s someone else’s fault that this cat has never seen grass.

Ahhh, this is starting to have that real Apprentice feel to it, only without the boardroom antics and Kwame’s predictable reference to Harvard.  I think they’ll be needing Diddy to step in with some star power or something before this format gets stale.  I do appreciate the occasional Diddy sidebar with the expansion of the Bitchassness Doctrine.

Wait a second.  Is that June, Rob’s ex lady, rocking the No Bitchassness shirt?  That’s ill.

Any way, by my count, bitchassness now includes wanting to go to sleep, hatin’ on someone, handling a situation or confrontation like a beeyatch and an inability to find some bullshit in the woods.  Then that Elmer Fudd dude got up there with that same bullshit tie on.

I can’t tell if dude has a lisp, comes from some wild Eastern Block nation or if he had to go on a 5 year mission to study and perfect the art of bitchassness in order to teach others to avoid it.  Basically dude is the personification of Mike Tyson’s voice, only without Mike Tyson.

Just consider, the Mike Tyson voice was always terrible, but the only thing worse than Mike with that voice is that voice without Mike!  That’s this dude.  And he had the ahem “toughness” to work for Diddy?

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t give a shout out to crazy ass Kim/Poprah or whatever her name is for comparing herself to Jesus and MLK.  LOL.. I love crazy people (from a distance).

– Lake


Honestly, the best part of the entire episode was the beginning when bowtie brother was talking to Bruno, or Rocky or whatever the big white dude is named about (La)Vernon.

They talking about the fact that ol girl boy was a tranny for a good five minutes before he just broke it down and said.  “Wait.  What do you see that makes you think that’s not a man?”  I mean completely disturbed at this point that anyone could take the 6’3″ Laverne for anything but a man with J implants and a weave.  Bruno replied. “I know a lot of big women”.   Really?

I Want to Work For Diddy: Just Tranny Being Tranny

August 7, 2008

Come on man.  I feel like this whole Tranny babe on Diddy’s new show thing has hijacked my entire reality tv experience.  This week was suppose to be great for me.  Big Brother 10 was rocking and rolling, Making the Band 4, Season 3 was about to kick off (what’s up Junebug) and yep, the new show I Want to Work For Diddy was officially up and running.  And then it happened:

Come on maaaaayne.  I mean, on this promotional joint they led with that “dude.”  I mean, am I the only one who sees this?

How could this be?  Seriously, what kind of criteria could produce this “all gay” line-up we’ve got here?  Hello, just because a mufucker rolls up on you and says, “Hey, I wanna work fo’ Diddy,” doesn’t mean you actually have to give that mofo a chance.  And it’s hard to assume the show producers don’t know exactly what they’re doing.  I mean, who’s doing casting over there, Raz B?

And when you play with fire, you’re gonna get burned.  Check out these shots of Larry eeeer Laverne Cox (and that’s really her/his last name, HA!) from I Want To Work For Diddy fame.

Saaay, whut?  Dude, there is so much wrong with this picture.  First off, I can’t tell if ole boy is loving it or hating it.





Dude, I’m just speechless.  I don’t even know what to say, what to do…  I mean, what happened?  I think Nicole Scherzinger said it best at the beginning of Come To Me:


Start acting like it!

– Lake

I Want to Work For Diddy Premiere

August 5, 2008

So I fired up the tivo and there it was, “I Want to Work For Diddy“.  First impressions, ok, they hype it up with the “this will change your life” rhetoric which is what they always say about these Diddy shows.  But this time, with regard to former assistants, don’t we kind of know better?

I know, I know, he’s an artist.  Let me tell you, I NEVER want to hear this cat on any track, period.  I heard his act on that Andre 3000 interlude, sounded like some bs Man of Morehouse Shakespeare special with extra Ahnt-sauce on top.

Anyway, then they introduce the “celebrity judges” err ex-assistants that ultimately have little to no roll in actually voting these cats on or off.  I guess they rotate show to show:

1.  Derek, Diddy’s Gay stylist?

First of all, why is dude talking like he just caught clean jaw cap from one of those security guards that roll out when you get eliminated?  And is that a southern accent I detect?  Nothing against the south, but somehow that makes it worse.  Jeez.  And just a question about stylists in general, why is their gear always so terrible and how can they help the next man dress if they don’t know enough not to rock the wrinkled sag slim rider pant, with the unintentionally skinny tie piece?  Just asking.

2.  Moderately, but not too overtly attractive Latin Chick

Plain and basic, but just good looking enough to get it from Diddy.  Can you tell that I don’t have a pic of the babe?

3.  Capricorn – Wait a second.  Baby girl’s name is Capricorn?  Bad enough that she’s named after an astrological sign period, but Capricorn is the most ridiculous of all of them.  It’s the one people always said when they used to introduce themselves in those cheesy movies from back in the 70’s.  “Lawrence T. Chestwood, capricorn.”

Even she can’t quite believe that’s actually her name.  I like her hair though… ha

On to the contestants.  So I’m looking for the contestants, seeing what there is to see.  And let me just say, I’m a champion of diversity.  You just gotta have it, right?  You assume they’ll have plenty of black dudes.  You know, bow tie, probably went to Andover/Exeter (then on to Middlebury) black dude.  Ex Corporate America “now I can rock these fake diamond studs” black dude…transsexual dude.

“Now that’s the creep, I be seeing in my sleep”

Ahem.  SAY Cut tha, what tha, FUCK?!?!!!!!!!!!  Is that what I think it is? Holy lord above, can someone please, for the love of god explain the presence of this….ahem…cat? 

What exactly is a tranny?  First of all, does Tranny stand for transsexual or “trans-gender”?  And does that mean, he/she still has his junk or is already gone?  I can tell you what’s not gone, that uncomfortably skrong jaw piece, them shady sideways eyes that themselves can’t even believe Diddy has a legitimate tranny babe errr dude trying to be his assistant and that extra caked-on-baked-on make-up.  Yep, we’ve got ourselves a full on dude with some wild balloons in his chest with a side of ass gel on layaway.

Dammit, why is it all lacquered up with a top coat of “only could come from a man” sweat to lock that deception in?  And yes, I DO see that extra close cat to her/his direct right in this picture, I’m just ignoring it.  Wait, where was I?  Seriously, I’ve lost my entire train of thought here.  Let me just end that paragraph, maybe that will help.

To quote Diddy, “it’s all fucked up now.”  Seriously, and maybe it was just me, but after I saw that wild tranny cat, to me the whole show started to look gay.

And mind you this is coming from a cat that likes Diddy, but all this openly and subtle gay shit isn’t doing anything for those “Diddy runs his assistants under his desk” rumors that have been flying around for years.

Anyway, after I picked my jaw up off the floor and put an extra layer of clothing on to protect me from what I was seeing, I went back to the show.  Standard Diddy shit.  A bunch of hazing with cats who are way too overbearing.

Enters Kim.  Shit talking, hand clapping, would be decent looking but for those extra 140 pounds she doesn’t need chick who most likely has at least two kids at home that she terrorizes whenever she can.  Definitely interesting for the show, but the kind of person who just can’t get along with anyone.  And don’t we know how this will go?  She’s had a tough life.  She’s always had to fight for what she got.  So there is a hard exterior to hide those deep seeded issues she just can’t seem to shake that Diddy will help her to bring out on that treadmill. Right.  Either that or she’s just an evil “chick” with nary a social grace or a shred of bitniz etiquette.

I do appreciate her “nilla” pleez expressions, aggressive hand gestures and over the top fuckery of all the other contestants. I know Kim “[you] aren’t here to make friends”.  ha    So I’m trying to get back into the show and I see them all running all over the city… And then it happens, I see it and turn directly to the lady on the couch and say, literally, “Why is the tranny running like a bitch?” Haaaaaa

Might have been a silly question, but that’s just how it came out.  Dammit, I thought we were done with Omarosa.  Running around the city, sittin extra high on some wild stilts, all sinched up and shit.  Dammit. How did this happen?  Honestly.  This shit is a serious threat to me watching the show.  Did yall hear that cat during those diary room joints?  Crazy man. Ok, I’m done with the tranny dude.  But just so we’re clear, I could literally go on forever with the gay mess that I saw on that episode.  Seriously, chicks aside, there was more gay than straight (and yes, that’s the FIRST time I’ve had to refer to anything as “straight” in my life).

Hey, at least they put some eye candy up in the house, too.  They’ve got pretty (enough) white girl.

Oh and extra fine latin heat named Georgette.


Oh yes indeedy.  But sadly, that hater Kim chick conspired, along with extra swole, Harve Pierre looking Phil (Da Band?) to get the fine babes out the house.  I guess they’ve got to completely kill all heterosexual energy in that camp.

I think they should have consulted with the big man before making that move.  Damn shame too.  Even this probably gay faced cat Rob didn’t quite get that elimination.

I know, I know…If you can’t say anything nice, just stop writing.  Peace.

– Lake