Archive for the ‘Commercials’ Category

Sub-Prime Time? Pacman Jones’ Home Reportedly in Foreclosure

June 23, 2008

I just got word from my boy Brock that Adam “Pacman” Jones’ two million dollar home is presently in foreclosure.

I actually hate the Pacman Jones bashing because the way I see it, the dude hasn’t ever been convicted of anything and most of these alleged charges are just some unfortunate cats looking to get paid ala Eddie Murphy’s sprained eyes skit in Raw, but I just had to join the haters on this one.

Pac, daaaaamn homey, two years ago you was that maaaaan homey, seriously, WTF happened to you?

And you think dude would have learned his lesson what with all those terrible (and by terrible I mean GREAT) Credit Report Commercials.

“F.R.E.E. that spells free, credit report dot com babee, now instead of playing ball and livin’ phat, my crib is up for sale behind some trifling ass hood rats…”

Look, I’m about as white as it gets, but I still get a kick out of white dudes using “urban slang” in a slightly off key manner. Remember that hot Chicken McNuggets commericial?

“Ketchup and mayo…ketchup and maaaayo, McNuggets, McNuggets WHAT!…dippin it in that BBQ Sauce.” LOL. Maybe I’m a weird cat, but that shit is just funny to me. Oh and what about that garbage ass “freestyle” with this clown at the Taco Bell drive-thru?

Nice, your flow is only about 30 years old though pal. And is there a reason why these white dudes have to look like they’ve never bathed? I mean, for real, Mike D from the Beastie Boys was rhyming like that when Lake was in mink diapers, ya dig?

And you know that all these ads are coming from the same bullshit cat…Just writing rhymes and getting over. Wow, another major digression. Imagine that.

Ok, back to Pac. Somebody needs to tell this cat that this NFL money isn’t all that long lasting, ya know? You can’t be missing a full year of employment when the average lifespan of an NFL career is 3 years deep. And unless they legalize dog fighting or Pac mayne gets his own line of skrip clubs, somehow I don’t see Pac being very solvent a few years past playing. Homey best live it up now. Sure, we all know the story. He’ll lose all his damn money, show up in the XFL, Arena Football, CFL or the Surreal life or something, find Jesus and then he’ll be looking to be a minister/”help youth” not go down the wrong path. I hate to be so cynical, but it’s probably true.

Anyway, I feel for Pac and I hope he gets off to a fresh start out in Dallas with TO and company. Truth be told, I’m rooting for Pacman right now. I’d love for him to stick it in the face of all these haters who just use him to articulate their utter disdain for the un-sold black athlete.

– Lake

OK, Enough with the NBA Playoffs Split Screen Commercials

June 9, 2008

It’s getting about as played as that “Ok, let’s vent…LET’S Veeeint” Coors Light foolishness. I was down with that NBA split screen commercial when it first came out. Sure it was inventive and definitely got that “heart of a champion” feel in there. But then it got too good to ya.

See that Nash-J Kidd joint pretty much sucked. Maybe it’s just something about the different color eyes and hair cuts, but it’s not right and both of these dudes are barely relevant at this point. I will concede that the Zohan/Baron Davis joint was pretty cool, but you should have left it at that.

Now they’re hitting us with the Larry Bird and Magic Johnson installment. Just terrible dude. First of all, these cats look like some horrid beast sitting along side of each other.

Jeez. Talk about a Pan’s Labyrinth special with extra ugly on top! I mean, the crazy baldy v. fluffed hair and brown eye v. blue eye dichotomy is predictable and ok, but that lip v. no lip wasn’t something I was ready for. And that double wide saggy face with the extra meat up in the tank top. It just all needs to go away. It’s all too much. Why not put those dudes in suits or something. I get what you were trying to do, but it’s too far. That’s will be enough.

Now you know what Commercials are hilarious? Those GMC joints with the dude from MadTv.

That cat is funny.

Celtics in 6.

– Lake

Oldie but goodie: Terry Tate Office Linebacker

December 17, 2007

This is how we run things at UvT actually, but we just keep everyone aggressive. Hell, Terry would probably be a kicker on our staff.

Very funny. Thanks to Jaber Jawz the dread lock lover out of the BK for this shout out.

– Lake

Evander Holyfield: The Real Deal Grill

October 1, 2007

We’ve all known for a long time that Evander Holyfield has taken waaaaaaay to many punches in his career, but this is the last straw. 


(I give you “Thoughtful Holyfield”.  He’s holding a red ball to symbolize…what the hell are you doing in this picture Holy?)

Today, Holy announced that he is bringing the “Real Deal Grill” to the people. (By the way, for that product name to work, don’t you have to pronounce “Grill” as “greel”…which rhymes with how Tim Hardaway pronounces “skills” in one of my favorite commercials.)  It is just like the Foreman grill, but better.  When Evander was asked why it was better, he simply said because it is new.  And as we all know, grill technology improves exponentially, like other high technology products at the same rate as hard drives and processors.


Look, I can’t fault the man for looking for a career after boxing.  Especially since he sincerely believes that God has told him that he is destined to reunite the heavyweight belts at age 45.  But you know this wasn’t Evander’s idea.  Some grill guy was like, we need to sell countertop grills, like that George Foreman guy.  He’s Rich!  What do we need?  Grill…check!  Okay that is a good start, what else does the George Foreman grill have that we don’t?  A boxer!  Tyson?  No too controversial.  Leon Spinks?  Not enough teeth to eat during the infomercial.  I got it! Evander Holyfield.  He’s retired, right?  No?  He fought three weeks ago?  Really?  Call him anyway.

Our crack team of interns did some research and found out that this was just the latest of a long line of failed grill products.


Well ya know Mean Gene, all the little Hulkamaniacs out there gotta train, say your prayers, eat your vitamins, and eat some waffles on my Ultimate grill! (rips shirt, walks off).  And apparently so popular, it’s out of stock.

Then there is the mother of them all:


The Deion Sanders Prime Time Ultimate Hot Dog Express.  Because…hot dogs are really hard to cook and it takes a really long time?  Prime, what were you thinking?  This product is expressly designed to make hot dogs taste like they came off of those rollers in gas stations.  Thanks, but no thanks.  Plus, the Foreman Grill is a diverse piece of machinery.  You can grill steaks and chicken, sandwiches, vegetables.  One the Hot Dog express, you get hot dogs and sausage and kielbasa and uhhhhhhh bratwurst!  Thanks Deion…That’s helpful.  Must be the money that makes you have these great ideas.

So Holyfield, already confident in the success of the Real Deal Greel is already thinking about his next invention:


From the look on his face, he might be thinking for a long time.  I wonder how long it took him to come up with the “Evan Fields” alias to avoid all of that steroid scrutiny.

I didn’t want to just give my opinion on the matter, so I asked around. 

Will Smith, What do you think about the Real Deal Grill?


Ooh, not so good?  Fine, Maurice Clarrett?  Does this thing look like something you could use?


Bruce Bowen?  You’re a champ, you want one?


Well, with all those opinions…Mike Hart.  How do you think the Real Deal Grill will sell?


Yeah…me too.


This is Why Everyone Shouldn’t Have Access to TV

September 20, 2007

Lake hit cats with his McNuggets Rap, and I might have him beat.

Whaaaaaat? Did you see him “make it a dance” half way through? What’s up with the wardrobe changes? And if it is like a mini mall, is there a Starbucks somewhere back behind the entertainment units? A Borders Books near the dinettes? That’s crazy.

Honestly, do people really think rap music sounds like that?  The hand movements, the simple cadence, rap music hasn’t sounded like that since 1981.  Lil’ Wayne rips it on a completely different level.


Hilarious McDonald’s commercial

September 17, 2007

Yo, after hearing that sub par 50 Cent album, I think Fif may need to use these cats to produce a few tracks on his next project. Hey, maybe I just like silly sh*t, but this “McNuggets, McNuggets WHAT, McNuggets, McNuggets WHAT” hook is second only that “Crank That Soulja Boy” in my book.

“Ketchup and Mayo, Ketchup and Mayo, Ketchup and Mayo”.. haa Great.  My man on the left is really working that beat too.  He could have gone with that basic drum and snare or even the rapid fire high hat….nah, he went hard with the deep internal drum, gotta respect that.

– Procrastinating Lake