Deelishis looking svelte: Airbrush or Trimspa?

Previously super thick chick Deelishis from Flavor of Love 2 fame is featured on Smooth Girl Magazine.

I love the Smooth line of magazines. They don’t bother with articles or hackneyed err witty lists of “Best places to get laid” like Maxim and FHM. No, they just go straight for the jugular, providing an array of glossy angles of various asses, breat-tah-sis and weaves in front of rims, rappers and an occasional LA beach scene. You have to respect it.

Those thighs are awfully slim. Not at all like what we’re used to. S0 I’ve got to ask you one simple question. Do you think Deelishis really tightened it up or did their intern just complete a 2 day course in photoshop over at the DeVry “University”?  I know, I know, if the tail is real so too could the slimmed down body.  Hey, why not just say the hair is real too, possible, right?  Uh, no actually.

Come on now, this babe is looking like a Roger Rabbit extra in this shot.  It’s definitely the brush.

– Lake

Assology 101

I mentioned a few posts ago that I have a masters in Assology. It allows me to identify a tight booty from 20 paces. I can see it coming, identify it from any angle. Hell, tell me where a girl was born, her favorite food, and two hobbies and I can take a pretty good guess. I love ass. I look at every ass I see. You’ve gotta hone your skills in the field. With Lauren London and Beyonce causing a bit of controversy here at UvT, I decided to let you know how to analyze that ass on your own. Pay attention kids, Professor Hardon is about to lay it down for you.

We’re gonna keep it simple. Let’s just talk about how to identify the various types of ass:

Negative arse:

We’ve covered the negative arse here at UvT plenty of times. It is the easiest to spot, but here’s how to identify the details.

Okay, here’s the back view. I mean this chick goes shoulders to knee with no interruption whatsoever. There is no tuck on the top, no tuck on the bottom.  Damn, this babe looks like she might not even have an ass crack.  What does that look like from the side, you ask?

Yeah, as I said…you could run your hand down her back trying to cup an ass cheek run right past it. You probably wouldn’t know you made a wrong turn until you feel the back of her heel.

The negative arse babe is really limited to skinny chicks. When a babe with no ass packs on too much weight, you end up with the dreaded muffin top.

Whew. Muffin tops are a real debacle, and that babe has been baking all day. I mean the only reason you even think there is an ass under there is the fact that the waistband of the jeans cuts that back fat off at an arbitrary point. Terrible, these muffin top chicks have to know this isn’t acceptable, right?

Here’s where it gets fun.

Athletic ass:

Let’s start here with Jessica Alba in jeans.

You know the body is tight up under there. She gives you a little hook in the booty, legs stay tight (always key for the ass, thighs and calves play an important role in evaluation. What you see is what you get here.

Clothes on, or clothes off…this is the sweet spot. This is the best a white babe can work toward, it means she was a dancer or athlete at some point. As I said, you can see it all the way through the thigh. That is how you get built up like Biel.

As I said, you can’t trust a White chick with more body than this. You start venturing into Brooke Hogan, Coco T territory after this point. Unfortunately some of the brothers who like the crossover game don’t heed the warnings of Professor Brock and think they’ve found the “thick white girl”, built just like a sister.

In reality you just get “in them jeans” girl who is packed in too tight. An example you say?

Packed and Stacked in those pants ass:

I know, I know, she’s thick right? Naaaaaaah meng. That calf lets you know you are in trouble from the start, by time you get to that thigh with narum a definition you know that those khaki shorts are hiding a dirty secret. I get it, you watch chicks walking down the street and see this:

But you get em butt naked and you get this:

These babes have all kinds of tricks, you gotta know when it is too good to be true! Turn back before you get caught up.

Now there is a level beyond this. The holy grail if you will. As I said, it is a level of ass unachievable by the white woman, the in them jeans babe is a dirty doppelganger of the real deal.

Thick ass:

This is only achievable by black chicks. Sorry, it’s genetics. No fat, just pure muscle covered in silky smooth perfection. Check this:

I mean look how strong she is through the calves and knees, how the back tightens right back up at the top. Pure perfection here fellas.

The lesson should end here today, but there is yet another level. I don’t advocate it but some cats love it.

The Superthick:

Now you know that isn’t right. If you ever need to identify what you’re working with the key is in those knees. You see that extra layer of love on the inside. Stay back. That extra booty fat also shuts down the crease. If you can’t see the back dimples, put down the butt cheek. It isn’t going to turn out well.

Back later with more advanced lessons.

-Brock

Oh my! This is turrible. Deelishis has a video?!?!

Deelishis…can I call you Lishi?  As good as anything else.  We need to talk, about this:

I hear you.  A girl from the D has to stretch out that fame as long as she can.  But damn girl, that right there is turrible.  Those showt shawts ain’t working with with ya, their working against ya.  I know the song is called “Rumpshaker”, but your ass is giving a return on investment of 5-7 extra shakes every time you move.  Don’t get me wrong, I like to see a little extra pop with my lock and drop, a little extra shake with my shimmy, but something ain’t right back there.  Now I know you hooked up with Busta, but when he said “Make it Clap” he meant the booty cheeks, not the thigh with the back of the knee.

Then there is that dance break.  You already couldn’t sing in the beginning, not you have to prove you can’t dance too?  Not necessary girl.

Then, when I already can’t take it no mo.  When I’m ready to tap out, you bring in…who the hell is that?  Well it doesn’t matter, because you immediately turn yourself into a videho in your own damn song!  What the hell is that?  Beyonce doesn’t sing the first two verses then make one booty cheek pop while some random rapper drops their 16 bars.  (Okay, just once, in that Deja Vu video, but Jay-Z is her man, and they kept it in the fam)  Oh and yeah, limit that cat to 16, how long was that dude rapping?

I’ve already talked about this for too long.  ‘Lish, here’s your best bet.  Locate the camera.  Turn your body172 degrees in the other direction.  Bend at the waist while arching your back.  Look back over your shoulder.  Smile.  Make them promise to airbrush the photo.  Other than that, you either need to make plans to get on a nationwide strip club tour or apply to DeVry or University of Phoenix or something so that you can figure out how quickly you can pick up a skill you can use.  Why? Because I think you’re only going to get fifteen minutes of fame, and right now, the UvT stopwatch reads 14:57.

-Brock