Ohio State catches an ass whoopin…AGAIN!

Ones of people were surprised when LSU handily beast OSU for the mythical (meaning bullshit) BCS sponsored National Championship.

Another Big 10 team, another bust. Look, we all know you really love football in Ohio.

We understand that many of the best players in the mighty Midwest who don’t decide to hit up Michigan play their ball at OSU. We even understand and respect that you probably have some of the most dedicated fans in all of sports.

With that said, you just need to understand that you’re not that good. Face it, LSU, Florida, hell, almost ALL of the national powerhouses, especially in the SEC, are just better than you and probably always will be. Truth be told, if there was a playoff, Ohio State would have never been in the National Championship game in 2007 or 2008.

You just got spanked by a much better team. Yall could play that 10 times and you’d never win.

Get your schedule up players, that Akron, Youngstown and Kent State aint getting it. I know, I know, you beat your rival Michigan this year.  Newsflash, that so called rivalry is becoming more and more irrelevant every day.  I mean, how many times is the winner of that game going to go get stomped in a bowl game by a big time program?  It no longer means a thing.  You know, Mike Hart certainly knows it and so too does the rest of college football.

Now the fans and media are finally catching on.  Oh and I know you scored that TD at the last second to make it a two touchdown game, but it wasn’t even that close. Enjoy that long bus ride home.  OSU sucks, the Big 10 is a joke and the BCS is trash.  With that, I must offer congratulations to LSU for winning within the system. Good stuff.

– Lake

Sorry Charlie…Notre Dame still sucks

I walk these empty streets, on the boulevard of broken dream,

where the city sleeps and I’m the only one and I walk alone

Surprise, surprise, in case you didn’t know, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish got their candy asses handed to them on Saturday, 38-0, by No. 13 USC.

Further proof that whenever ND plays anybody of any worth, they get completely dominated, like they’re the JV out there or something. Can you imagine what would happen if they ever played a team like LSU? It’d be crazy.

The self styled, author, scholar, philosopher, offensive guru and super motivator Charles Weis started Evan Sharply over of the supposed can’t miss high school Quarterback and consensus class of 2007 number 1 recruit Jimmy Clausen. But that still didn’t help. Notre Dame scored no points and had one 20 yard pass play to hang their hats on by the end of the game.

Charlie said that he’s open to “trying new things” (ya think?) to try and improve the team’s production. Word on the street is that they’ll be starting this cat next:

I heard he can throw a pigskin or steak a quarter mile, so maybe they’ll have a chance when they try to best NAVY this week.

(This is basically how the season has gone, Charlie plays himself and Lucy is the rest of College football)

But Weis is as confident as Kanye, you literally can’t tell him nothing. He’s talking like TO on game day, only with no talent or charisma. Pretty hilarious actually.

“Let me say people better enjoy it now,” Weis grumbled during his post game press conference after the USC beating. Believe me Chuck, we are… In fact, I’m laughing at you right now. LOL. You suck, I love it and what’s even more hilarious is that I’m pretty sure next year will be more of the same. Can’t wait to see ya get fired. Here’s some humble pie, the one thing (along with that crow I’ll be serving you next season) in this world you don’t love to stuff down you throat.

Can you imagine if this fool actually loses to Duke or Stanford? His silly ass will be out there looking like Anikan Skywalker right before he kicked.

That will be a happy day.

– Hatin’ Lake

More Football rants: Mike Gundy vs Jenni Carlson

Man, I LOVE these football coaches. They really get after it. This is some hot shit right here. I mean, this cat is HOT!!!! Mike Gundy, the Oklahoma State Football Coach got after chick sports reporter Jenni Carlson concerning an article she wrote about Quarterback Bobby Reid wherein, among other things, she raised the issue of his mother “feeding him chicken” after a loss (um, that’s VERY suspect). Peep the mug of this sports chick.

(she’s got that softball chick chubbster feel to her, huh?)

Now peep the coach’s reaction:

“Whoever wrote this article doesn’t have a child (Nice Dig on the young chick). If you want to come after someone, COME AFTER ME, I’M A MAN, I’M 40!!!!!!” LOL, WOW. Yes you are a man and clearly you’ve done watched that hot scene from Tombstone, “you tell em I’m coming and hell’s comin with me, you hear me, HELL’S COMIN WITH ME!!!!”

It just reminds me that these football coaches are really grown children and they work in an environment where it’s ok to bitch and curse out most everyone you deal with. So you know when they meltdown in a press conference, they’re holding back. Here’s one of my favorite meltdowns from Dan Hawkins, the Colorado Head Football Coach. He’s responding to a parent’s (hello, recruiting) anonymous letter to him in the media. HOT

That was a Sam Kinison special.

Brings me back to what is probably the grand daddy of all football rants, that hot Dennis Green joint:

Haaa, I mean, you can’t watch it too often, but it’s great. Anyway, there are too many to count. Jim Mora, Mike Ditka and of course Herm Edwards. Don’t feel like throwing all of them up, but this stuff is still pretty good. I enjoyed that rhetoric. And let me just ask Jenni Carlson, what in the hell could a hack like you possibly know about football? Seriously, stick to fashion, weight loss and “the 10 best ways to keep a man” type of journalism we expect from chicken like you. Clearly sports and edgy subjects are NOT your thing. Oh and, let’s not get too carried away with those mother feeding her son chicken references, ok? You’re skating on thin ice with your lack of talent as is. Don’t start none, won’t be none.

– Lake

====================UPDATE======================

This is somewhat unrelated, but I just had to add in this Kellen Winslow, Jr. “I’m a fucking soldier boy” tirade. Look at this cat trying to work himself up to say something controversial. Like a little kid.. A BIG little kid, but a little kid nonetheless.

Love it.

Whoop that trick: Notre Dame gets worked by Michigan State

Though Michigan State did everything in their power to make Notre Dame fans believe they actually might be able to win the game (including a fumble inside their 10 on the kickoff), the inevitable happened.

Indeed, Chuck Weis and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish (by the way as a full errr 1/4 blooded Irishmen, I’m offended by that moniker) got whooped like a Wayne Brady 2 dollar hizzoe.

(that look on Dave’s face must have been exactly how Jimmy Clausen felt when Weis pulled him out of the game on Sat.)

The final score was 31-14, but if you actually watched the game, it was more like that Mary Guilbeax audition on American Idol Season 3, better put, you just had a sense that it could have even been worse than it actually ended up being. Yikes. What can you do? I would love to say I’m getting tired of all the losing along with Chuck’s rhetoric at the half about what needs to be done better, but I’m not. It’s just downright hilarious. Facts are facts. Notre Dame is off to their worst start EVER, a distinction that aint gonna rub off with a dab of Purell and some hand ringing.

Charlie Weis is:

(in a sense)

The Large Anchovy is still recalcitrant and arrogant (“Don’t worry fellas, I’m not going anywhere”) and at the end of this debacle of a season, which will not include a bowl game, Weis will still have his job. You just know it’s going to go that way. I’m already looking to next year though. Just wait until ND comes out with yet another lackluster campaign similar to the one that got Ty Willingham fired in his third year. It’s going to be great to see the true hypocrisy play itself out. And who knows, maybe Weis will turn the thing around. I’m not saying he can’t, I’m just saying Willingham might have too if he was given a fair shake.

He was just never given that chance, the same chance every coach not named Tyrone Willingham got before and after him. If you applied the Willingham standard of performance to Weis, he’d look like this right about now:

Hell, that’d be an improvement. Jerks.

– Lake, laughing

Duke beats Northwestern, ones of fans cheer

Oh yes, we almost forgot. Duke beat Northwestern on Saturday.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge Duke Sports fan (well, all except Lax who I actively root against and Football who I just don’t even think about), but for me this is not news. The only reason why I’m even raising the issue is because Duke has more wins than Notre Dame right now and yes, those two powerhouse football programs meet in an epic battle on November 17th.

(And no I don’t know who this cat is, but I can only assume he plays for Duke. I like the hard look in his eye though)

Hell, Notre Dame might make a Duke Football fan out of me yet. I’ll say it now, if Duke beats Notre Dame I’ll rock the full Duke Football track suit, a Fubu headband, a whistle around my neck and that varsity jacket some of those cats used to rock around campus…take it all and wear it to work like WHAT.  Go Devils (I think).

– Lake

—————- UPDATE ———————–

Lake my man,

I’m taking that bet all day.  You have to rock the all blue version of the track suit as well as a 1999 Outback Bowl hat (the last time Duke was ranked and went to a bowl game)

By the way….The Big Tenleven must reaaaaaaly suck this year.  What the hell is going on?

-Brock

Michigan gets worked…AGAIN!

Yoooo, I know I said I would let Brock write something up about the Michigan v. Oregon game (after all, he was there) and he still can, but I’m sitting here watching Sports Center and I just heard the most hilarious sound clips from that Oregon-Michigan post game press conference. So hilarious that I just feel compelled to talk about it. But before I lay it all out, let me just say that I watched the Oregon-Michigan game start to finish and two things stick out to me:

1. Chad Henne is not an elite Quarterback like we were led to believe he was.

Yes I know Henne hold records or is about to hold records for TDs at Michigan. But remember, Rocky Balboa was an accomplished heavy weight champ who just knew he was hot until Mick let Rock know all his opponents “wuz has beens” and then Clubber Lang (read: Oregon) whooped his candy ass. Ok? Michigan plays in the Big 10 and quite frankly, the Big 10 is NOT a great football conference anymore. Granted, the Big 10 has great football fans and plenty of passion for the game, but the teams, coaches and competition are simply sub par. Sorry people, but it’s just true. You never were as good as the SEC, that’s just a given and now, all the other conferences have either caught up with or surpassed the Big 10. Just the facts.

So I don’t care what Henne has done against these bums. He can never do shat when his team needs him to and the only silver lining to this debacle of a start for Michy is that Chad is hurt which forces Lloyd Carr to use someone else (thank goodness). Honestly, if Michigan had to play an LSU, Florida or even Oklahoma, I think they’d have to carry Hart, Henne and Carr out on stretchers and then call up the post-Vick era representatives from the Bad Newz Kennels to either electrocute, hang or smoke each one of those dogs just to put them out of their damn misery…

***Incidentally, you can buy this T, which apparently only comes in Extra-Medium, right HERE.

2. The Michigan Defense sux. Again, it’s just a fact. They couldn’t stop Appalachia State’s spread offense with the mobile Quarterback and they really couldn’t stop Dennis Dixon and Oregon. Honestly, they couldn’t stop Oregon when they went to a plain old power game, something the Big 10 used to be know for. Seriously, Michy got rolled 39-7 and if you watched the game, it really wasn’t that close. Oregon literally could have scored two more touchdowns at the end of that game if they wanted to.

(“Dude, pass me that chewable weed, then throw your motherfu*cking O’s up maaan”)

They just didn’t want to. UGLY!

With that said and after a game of total domination by Oregon, here are a few interesting quotes I heard.

Lloyd Carr (defiantly):

“I’m a tough minded, competitive guy and there isn’t anything that comes my way professionally that I can’t handle. And there is nothing that can keep me down. Not a loss to Appalachian State, not a loss to Oregon, not a hundred losses and not the loss of my job.”

There isn’t anything that comes your way that you can’t handle? How could that be? It’s quite clear that you’re incapable of handling App State and Oregon… that we know. Further, how about showing us that you can handle a spread offense? What the hell. I mean, last week you got torched by App State and going into this week you KNEW Dennis Dixon and Oregon ran what amounts to a better version of that same offense. The recruiting websites claim you have every athlete any coach could ever want currently in-house, but yet there wasn’t one visible sign that your team had ever heard the term spread offense, much less had a game plan to stop it.

I know, I know, I’m taking the quote out of context. Lloyd meant that he can handle all the criticism. Well great, it’s easy to handle the criticism when you’re an old man who knows he’s about to leave. Why not start handling what they’re paying you to do, the FOOTBALL!!! Maybe if you were more clear, concise and confident about your ability to handle that, you wouldn’t get so much criticism. And let’s be clear, if you don’t step down this season, then you’ll just get fired so don’t get too big for your britches there talking about losing your job. As Snoop said in that parody skit of that scene in The Mack on Doggystyle, “have it your muthafuckin way”… of course, then a fool got smoked. Lloyd, that fool is YOU!

Mike Hart (with a crazy, Herm Edwards-like look on his face)

“We’re going to win [against Notre Dame] next week. There’s no question in my mind. I guarantee we’ll win next week. I’m going to get this team ready. It’s guaranteed that I’ll get this team ready. The coaches are going to do their job. The seniors are going to do their job on this team. And we’re going to win next week, I don’t care..”

Dude, I hear you trying to rally the troops and all and clearly you’ve bought into this idea of “the Michigan man”, but you can’t be out here running your mouth like this. Not after you got worked in your own stadium against TWO unranked teams when you were supposed to be looking at a National Championship this year. Really, you’re the only visible cat within that Michigan program that I feel sorry for. You were out there doing your job, but your boy Chad Henne, he just was terrible.

(Yo, is that America’s player, Eric, from Big Brother 8?)

Lloyd Carr is about as useful on a football field as Lloyd from Entourage and your Defense is just awful homey!!! I mean, didn’t you know your D was this bad when you decided to come back for your senior year? The only thing that saves you from having to eat this quote is who you’re playing next week; a team that is so terrible, so hapless and even though they’re unranked too, they’re probably the only team that has been MORE overrated then you guys over the past few years. Dude, I saw LSU whoop up on Virginia Tech tonight. Let me tell you, if you were playing either one of those teams, you would NOT be guaranteeing a damn thing, unless you were guaranteeing a 40+ point ass whooping by those good Tigers. You may make good on your promise to beat Notre Dame, but it’s just because they’re an even worse JV squad then you guys are at this point. But let’s be clear, you’re both JV quality squads and your decision to come back for this year.. it’s like that clown Michael Eric Dyson said of Mayor Ray Nagin in the HBO Documentary, When the Levies Broke, “understandable, but lamentable..” Ha, great rhetoric.

– Tough-minded, competitive Lake, guaranteeing a blog entry next weekend

—————-Update———————–

Peep the press conference in full here. Pretty hilarious look on Hart’s face throughout. For once, I feel sorry for these dudes.

Unranked Notre Dame goes into Penn State

Let’s just say we’ve got the angel of death on pager call for what is certain to be a blood bath in Happy Valley.

Oh, it’s gonna be an ass whoopin and you just know the Large Anchovy, Chuck Weis will just blame is on “an inexperienced Quarterback”…. of course, it’s got to be him. Not your lack of speed on defense, your lack of talent on offense or your inability to execute those “offensive genius” plays your myopian fans were gloating about all last year.

I must say, I do kind of like Jimmy Clausen though. He’s got that air that just says, “I’m better than everyone on this stinking team”.

You know what, I think he’s right (and that includes his brazenly arrogant coach).

Hey Chuck, here’s a book title idea for your next book.

Overrated: How I tricked ND into Prematurely Extending my Candy Ass

– Lake with a machete in his hand

—————-Update————————-

Well, for a second there it looked like the Penn State was doing everything in their power to help Notre Dame, but the inevitable happened, Notre Dame got rolled up 31-10 and believe me it wasn’t that close. Penn State turned the ball over three times in the first half and still, ND never looked or felt like a real contender. It was just Jimmy Clausen against the world out there. I guess Chuck Weis inability to recruit is finally showing itself. Jimmy had NO HELP out there, particularly from his unproven coach/author Chuck “the Large Anchovy” Weis. Let’s see who wins the toilet bowl next weekend in Ann Arbor. I’ll let Brock, who was at that Oregon v. Michigan game give you the inside scoop on THAT debacle.

College Top 25: Can USC ride Booty to the Championship?

The first College Football poll has been issued, and once again USC is in the drivers seat.

That’s right, SoCal is going to depend on the JDB, John David Booty, to take them all the way. Booty, Booty, Booty better be rocking everywhere, because it will all be on him. Luckily they play in the PAC 10, so they only have to play 3 teams that are ranked right now. Nebraska, who should be overmatched that early in the year, Cal and UCLA. Oh, they also get to embarrass the hell out of Charlie Weiss and Notre Dame on October 20th. Brock will be watching. How can you lose when your cheerleaders look like this?

(I see you first on the left, and third one in)

So there is one team who will be playing on the first Monday in January, now who else will be there?

LSU, West Virginia, Texas and Michigan round out the top 5 in the AP, and Florida switches in at #3 for West VA in the USA Today Poll. Out of those five teams, I’d bank on Texas to make a good push for the top, but it is going to be tough to run the table in the Big 12. If they can get past Oklahoma in October, they will have a good shot. I’d say Michigan has a good shot to actually play for the title this year on the back of Mike Hart (who only fumbled once his entire college career, he was a freshman), but there are a few things wrong with that. First, they are playing in the Big Eleven Ten and there are two other teams ranked in the top 10 right now. (Wisconsin and Ohio State) Second, the seniors on this team have never beat Ohio State. Third, Lloyd Carr always ends up bitching up his own team at some point in the season. Usually against Ohio State. This year the schedulers are helping them out though as the Buckeyes have to run the f’ing gauntlet at the end of the season playing Wisconsin, Penn State, and the Wolverines within 4 weeks with only a quick break against Illinois.

Boise State gets rewarded for their “breakthrough” season with a “f*ck You” ranking of 24th in the nation. Yeah, good luck becoming a perennial power on that foundation. Seriously, those guys haven’t lost a game since 2005, they ran the ballsiest plays ever called in a bowl game to win, and that brother finally married that cheerleader babe, doesn’t that count for something? Apparently not. I didn’t know football rankings had a good ol’ boys network.

If you haven’t seen the end of the Fiesta Bowl last year, check this out.

Want to know a funny, little known fact? Check the USA Today Poll and Duke, which is hands down the worst Division I team in the nation, received a vote. That’s right, the Ol’ Ball Coach, Steve Spurrier gives Duke a shout-out every year for giving him his first head coaching job. Thanks Steve!

Oh, and guess which team has finally been abandoned by the d*ckriders? Notre Dame is unranked. Touchdown Jesus couldn’t even hide this one. Ty Willingham says up yours Charlie!

-Brock

Unranked Notre Dame Irish had busy off-season, according to the COPS!!!

“I smoke, I drank, I’m suppose to stop, but I caint”

These stories are hardly news, even by UvT standards, I’ll admit that. But the hot new freshmen Quarterback from the Notre Dame football team, Jimmy Clausen, the only real blue-chip recruit Charlie Weis has EVER brought into any program got popped by the undercover fuzz for “Illegally transporting alcohol” in June.

Clausen, a 19-year-old, was the driver of a car that received the drank from a 23-year-old purchaser who entered the store and bought two 1.75-liter bottles of Smirnoff vodka, a 200-milliliter bottle of Jack Daniel’s whiskey, as well as a case containing 30 cans of Natural Light beer. Natty Light and Smirnoff, well at least they’re keeping it top shelf and classy. And people wonder why they get blown out in all the tough games, they’re skimping, so what do you expect?!?!

The Large Anchiovy of course, denies that his player did anything wrong (perhaps it was those damn gastric bypass docs at work again). That would interfer with Weis’ ability to start eeeeerrrr cast the young man in a bad light that he doesn’t deserve. Look at what Sir Charles had to say on the issue:

“I think it’s out of ignorance — and by ignorance I mean lack of knowledge,” Weis said. “I don’t think he was defiantly trying to get himself into trouble with the law.”

LOL. First off, Charles, you are delusional and by delusional we mean, ignant, disingenuous and self-serving.

Let’s just assume that ole boy didn’t know the law, so what? In saying that he did this out of a “lack of knowledge” you are intimating that there was no wrong-doing and skating around the obvious fact that ole boy was probably going to suck down a few Natural Lights and shots. I mean, this is college for goodness sake, you think he was “ignorant” of the fact that these hoes out here are easier when they are drunk? Do you honestly believe that Jimmy wasn’t there to get some drinks for his personal use? Please… Next thing you’ll tell me that you guys play one of the toughest schedules..oh wait, you’ve already said that. Say Charles, how do you explain this photo of young Jimmy?

I know, I know, it’s just “ignorance” and of the fact that speedos are gay, with a “lack of knowledge” that he had two more greased up, probably spray-tanned dudes BEHIND him flexing and enjoying their view. I get it completely….kind of reminds me of this not so old picture:

And what about that other Quarterback who got busted with some Chronic in the car he was driving? What about your defensive lineman who got arrested when he was trying to git some head in broad daylight over the summer?

Charles, none of this is all that bad or shocking. Kids do these kinds of thing. The thing nobody can accept is how you continue to act as though you’re Vince Lombardi or something or that you can just step in and tell us a kid wasn’t doing something wrong when he clearly was. I mean, he got popped.. Big deal. Just don’t tell me he wasn’t “defiantly breaking the law”.. Vick wasn’t defiantly breaking those Dogfighting Laws either…what does that matter? In fact, the only cat I can see who defiantly breaks laws is George W. Bush… So unless you hold your players to the ultimate arse hole standard, lay off these kinds of “clarifications”. Thanks.

– Lake