Archive for the ‘Weed’ Category

Running in the Cuffs: Stupid Criminal Watch

April 9, 2008

This is a great one. Apparently Cleveland Browns player Kenny Wright was arrested a few days ago for marijuana possession.

He had 1.875 ounces on him. The UvT weed heads can let me know whether that counts as personal possession or possession with intent to distribute. Back in the day Nate Newton made it clear, he had a van full of bricks, 213 pounds worth, Kenny just wanted to get his smoke on.

So here is where the story gets good. The cops arrest him, he’s heading to the station, for some inexplicable reason he is in freaking Pearland, Texas. Standard stuff, right. He’ll get booked, may spend a night in the drunk tank, people will see the story and think he’s a Bengal instead of a Brown, then he will end up back in Pearland about three months from now and made to do some community service and pay a fine. Case closed right? Naaaaaaah. So here’s what Kenny decides to do. He decides to break out his defensive back skeeeels and MAKE A RUN FOR IT AT THE POLICE STATION.

Well, I guess you should throw deep on the Browns next season because old Kenny got run down by Pearland’s finest within a quarter mile. That means that he also gets to add unlawful restraint and evading arrest to the rapsheet. Look, one of my boys tried to run in the cuffs a few years ago. That raises all kinds of other questions, like:

1: Where the hell do you think you’re going?

2: How were you going to get the handcuffs off?

3: Do you really think you can outrun trained cops with your hands bound behind your back?

4: You are an NFL player…they already have your name and information…you think they don’t know where to find you? I think Ohio’s extradition laws to Texas are pretty sound. See question #1.

I’ve already covered enough to make this a Us Versus Them classic. But that’s not all. Check my mans mugshot.

Well damn, I guess he did get picked up for weed charges. Let’s go ahead and excuse that turrible ass damn low cut, cleavage errr clavicle bearing G-G-G-G-G-Unit grey beater this dude is has on. Let’s also excuse the fact that his tattoo makes him look like he got a chest hair shape up with a high left, low right. This dude is tweeeeeded out. I thought the herb was supposed to calm you down? Why is this dude running for the hills like he’s hopped up on Red Bull, speed, caffeine, and Mountain Dew?

Great job Kenny.


Mary Ann Loves That Mary Jane

March 11, 2008

 This post is going to need a theme song.  Click this before reading on:

Awwww, come here girl…

Now where was I?  Oh yeah, Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island got arrested for marijuana possession.


You know Mary Ann..always the “smart girl” to Ginger’s “pretty girl”, part of the eternal debate of “who’s hotter, Ginger or Mary Ann?”.  For anyone who doesn’t know, here’s Ginger.


She definitely was keeping it 60’s sexy right there.  Anyway, now we’ve got lots of answers.  If we never found out how they got off the island, we definitely know how they got off on the island.  Mary Ann was packing that cheeba in coconuts and blazing between takes.  Hell, as far as I’m concerned we know who is hotter now too.  Who do you want, the chick that looks good, or the babe bringing a few dime bags to the party?

Hell, you know if ole girl is still blazing at 69 years old, she was a straight freak back when she was 26 and every white boy with a TV’s dream.

Hey Eliot…uhhhhh, Client 9, Mary Ann is about 5″5′, 105, brunette…just like you like ’em.  You tryin’ to holla?


Gotta think about it?  I feel you.


Drug Smuggling Gone Wrong

December 12, 2007

I’m sure there are thousands of great drug smuggling stories out there. We’ve got the basics, hiding some yayo in a few crates full of virgin mary statues a la Lost. Get a human pack mule to swallow balloons and hope they don’t die on the way over. You can drop it in the false bottom of your Ron Mexico commemorative water bottle. This kid really took it to the next level with this scheme.

This dude custom melted and formed a box full of weed filled candles and tried to cross the border with the box in his trunk. Check out my man’s handywork.


You gotta love the commitment. My man broke out the decorations on the jar, wrapped them all up in cellophane, cute little bows on the top, everything. Not to mention whatever he had to do to hide the weed inside the candles. You know this dude wasn’t your everyday gangster.
The drug sniffing dogs caught up with him and figured out there was weed somewhere in the trunk. Here’s the crazy thing though. That box up there? Only six candles, right? Dude had thirty pounds of weed hidden in the candles. Now I can’t eyeball weed to know what 30 pounds looks like, but those candles don’t look that big. Was he planning on lighting the candles and just getting your atmosphere high on?

I feel like for all that work, he should have at least gone Nate Newton on ’em and tried to move a couple hundred pounds. In fact, UvT got in touch with Nate for a quick interview.

Brock: “Nate, back in 2001 you were busted for trying to traffic 250 pounds of weed in the back of a van. What was the plan?”

Nate: “I needed to get my smoke on dog. I’m a big boy.”

Brock: “Now according to my records you were busted again later that month with another 175 pounds of weed in the same van. What the hell were you thinking?”

Nate: ” I thought I had it all planned out. Lightning never strikes twice. That’s some bullshit by the way.”

Brock: “Listen here Nate. Some kid just got caught smuggling weed inside of candles. What do you think of that plan?”


Brock: “Nate? Hey big fella. Hello? I guess you don’t like the plan. How about this. How would you feel if you had thirty pounds of weed right now?”

Nate: “Man, that would be great. Weed. Snacks. You know that’s how I get down.”

Brock: “Snacks? Whatever makes you happy man. Thanks Nate. I guess”

One of our interns caught Nate after the interview and saw this.


Damn, I guess Nate doesn’t play when he gets the munchies. Are those some damn E.L. Fudge cookies?


Travis Henry gets over on Roger Goodell

December 5, 2007

Wow, Travis Henry went ahead and busted commissioner Roger Goodell right in his chops today as he won his appeal of the league’s decision to ban him for one year following his violation of the NFL Substance Abuse Policy.


It seems young Travis was quite a fan of the sweet hippie lettuce, so much so that he tested positive for the substance twice before. But this time Travis had a trick up his sleeve. When the league tested him for the La La and his test came back positive, the league failed to provide an expert of Travis’ choosing to test the B sample. The whole time young Travee told them that he got the positive test from “second hand smoke” but commish Goodell didn’t listen and levied a one year suspension on Travis’ candy ass. Anyway, T pain wasn’t having any of that, sued and WON.


Hey NFL, you’ve already played yourself with this “tough on crime” approach to discipline by making any transgression against any NFL player fodder for the haters in the news media. If you’re so tough on rules and regulations, why don’t you start by following your own! Oh and you might have a little steroid problem in your league in case you didn’t notice it. You heard it here first. Ridiculous.

Travis, next time you’ll need to drink more of that detox serum eeerrr watch that you don’t hang out with cats who are sparking up the ism in your presence. Somewhere Pac Man Jones is giggling.

– Lake

Phil Jackson violates rule #1

November 15, 2007

NBA representatives have given Chief Big Triangle aka Los Angeles Lakers Coach Phil Jackson a talking to regarding an inappropriate comment he made following Tuesday night’s game in San Antonio.


The Spurs made 13 threes in their 107-92 victory and Phillip was asked if too much penetration was leading to good outside looks by San Antonio.

“We call this a Brokeback Mountain game, because there’s so much penetration and kickouts,” Jackson said. “It was one of those games.”

What?! Classic. You think Phil would want to have that one back? I wonder what other Brokeback Basketball games would look like?


I’m comfortable. Phil is a piece of work. He’s the most overrated coach in the history of sports. Dude only wins when he’s got the best team and he sucks when he doesn’t. Meanwhile, he just sits on the bench, folds his arms, sells his players out in his books, foolishly antagonizes Kobe Bryant and then goes home and smokes up a whole pound Canadian grown of hippie lettuce with the owner’s daughter. Great. And what about Brokeback Mountain? You think Jake G. would like edit himself out of that role?


I’ll never look at that cat’s smiling face and see anything other than gay.


Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Terrible.

– Lake

Lil Al cuts his losses, pleads guilty to horse, weed, reds, yellows and speeding charges

August 2, 2007

Sorry we’re so late to this, but we’d be remiss if we didn’t follow-up on our old post to report that former Vice President Al Gore’s son, Al Gore III, pleaded guilty Monday to possessing marijuana and other drugs when he was caught speeding this month in south Orange County in a Toyota Prius.


Dressed like a G, Lil Al showed up to court on Monday doing his best Hollywood perp walk. Now if you remember, Big Al was nooot too happy when he first heard of Lil Al’s most recent run-in with the law.


And people, please note that he entire case could be dismissed once he completes a drug rehabilitation program offered to first-time offenders. First-time offenders? Need I refer you all to Lil Al’s laundry list of offenses since his days back at St. Albans in DC, a school he was kicked out of for burning the hippie lettuce, among other transgressions?! Hilarious. AG3 is like the Teflon Don, nothing sticks to this cat. Upon hearing his son was gonna get the old privileged soft shoe, Big Al was finally chilled out and back into his previous posture.


Al Gore III, who has been “receiving treatment” for his partying errrr “addictions” at an undisclosed location since his arrest, was scheduled to be arraigned on Wednesday. No word if he ever had to show up.

He entered his plea with little fanfare, unlike his 100+ mph, ridin super dirty antics that got him into all this, at a Laguna Niguel courthouse during a brief hearing. Oh Al, if I could only be you for a day homey, hell, just kick it with you for a week, I’d be on cloud 9! Holler at me when you’re ready to get at these pros, drugs, and/or one of your environmentally friendly, hybrid, Fast and Furious LA drift benders you like to go on. I’m all in playa!