Hey, I didn’t come up with this list but I’m happy to discuss it. You know, as I look down at this InTouch Weekly “Best Hollywood Tits” list, I’m actually kind of embarrassed that I know all these broads. Ahh, who am I kidding, let’s get going on this here list. Now remember, this is the list according to InTouch Weekly.. Not us. But we have plenty to say.
1. Jessica Simpson
Yep, the top titty goes to Jessica Simpson. Wouldn’t have been my choice, but I can live with it.
After all, even her pops said that her ridiculous J’s were top notch.
Now you know you’ve got some serious tittay when pops is peeping them on the slide.
2. Tyra Banks
Say what? Now I know Tyra’s got giant J’s, but does she really belong inside the top three of ALL the breast tah sis in Hollywood?
Sure, her fundamentals are sound and she used to have the rest of the body to go with it. But this is a current J list, not a historical retrospective. The classic Janet song “What Have You Done For Me Lately” seems to come to mind. Answer?
Not enough. Not even close.
3. Scarlett Johansson
Ummmm, HELL YES!!! I’m not sure how it’s possible, but I think this chick is underrated across the board. Maybe it’s the lack of a nude photo shoot and sex tape. Hopefully someone can remedy that. But on the boobs front, she’s LOVELY.
Gotta run that one more gin.
4. Carmen Electra
Huh? Is she even in show business anymore? Why not Pamela Anderson? Hell, Loni Anderson.
And maybe it’s just me, but shouldn’t there be a reasonable expectation that the boobs are actually real if you’re going to call them the 4th best set in all of Hollywood? At least pic a chick with a debate, like Kimmy K…. With Carmen, she’ll tell you her joints are fake. Nah, I can’t support that.
5. Lindsay Lohan
Again, anyone who knows this blog understands my affection for Lindsay Lohan.
She’s one of my favorite celebs and yes, those ridiculous J’s have something to do with it.
On the J front, Lindsay has it all and we’ve seen it all.
You can’t hate, not on this discussion. Definitely underrated and waaaaay under appreciated. Her breasts I mean…lol.
6. Katherine Heigl
I recognize that this near no talent chick would be nothing without the superior boobs, but I just don’t like this broad.
That’s right, I don’t like her, can’t stand that character “Izzy” or whatever it is on Grey’s Anatomy and just can’t get past all the bullshit, yes, even for a pair of advanced J’s like those.
She doesn’t even make my list. Terrible. Though she does look reaaaaaally good in this next pic.
7. Audrina Patridge
Whaaat? You don’t mean to tell me we all feel for that completely transparent “I did some nudes back in the day and now they will be released the day before my show so please make me a star” treatment?
You bet we did. And please note how much she has truly stepped up that belly game. Wow. This babe is everywhere right now. If she had a shred of talent she’d really have something too. Though, I must say, having the nude pictures of her to refer back to whenever I see her looking right in a magazine or online is a nice luxury.
8. Jennifer Aniston
Come on now. Jennifer aint been hot since Ross was hittin’. Again, just too old, too romantic comedy. It’s just not right. Sure she’s got some J’s (NSFW), she wouldn’t be in the business if she didn’t.
But come on. She does not have some of the best tits in all of Hollywood. But these NSFW of Aniston are worth a peep. Half the time she doesn’t even have the best tits in her own relationship. She’s literally not in the same conversation with these other babes. Horrible.
9. Megan Fox
Ah, I don’t buy it. This seems very political. I do like that she stands for the fact that a chick doesn’t have to have monster boobs for them to be sexy, but this chick is not a top flight titty talent.
I mean, come on. She doesn’t have the chops and never will until she orders that full upgrade. Right? She’s got average J’s just for a regular girl, but in Hollywood, she’s squarely below average. Hell, most of the regular women walk around with better ones than that. Not even close.
Huh? Did I miss something? I don’t know, maybe B’s tittays wrote the lyrics to “Upgrade”…wait no, that was Jay Z. Curses. I hate to do this because I like Beyonce a lot. But she has no damn business on this list.
I think she’s beautiful, but if you forced me to diss her, right after I spoke on that assortment of unacceptable weaves, I’d go right to the breasts. I mean, she’s keeping it real and natural as she should and she looks damn good chest and all.
So there you have it. Are you satisfied? I’m not. I mean, where was Kim Kardashian, Halle Berry, JESSICA BIEL, hell, Mel B., Gisele….I mean, the list goes on and on. Sorry, I can’t endorse this list period. Let me give you my list.
1. Lindsay Lohan
2. Scarlett Johansson
3. Jessica Simpson
4. Kim Kardashian
5. Salma Hayek
6. Jessica Biel
7. Katherine Heigl (what can I say, that pic is still in my head)
8. Halle Berry
9. Mel B.
10. Audrina Patridge (hey, she’s already been mentioned, what could I do?)
Honorable mention: Serena Williams (don’t sleep)
Then I have to add a section for best fake boobs in the business. Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Tila Tequila, Pam Anderson and Heidi Montage.
Damn, after all that, even I’ve grown tired of tittays. I must be getting really old.