The New Meaning of Banana in the Tailpipe

I don’t want to write this. It is literally the craziest thing I’ve ever heard of. Hey look, I don’t know what the loyal Us Versus Them readers do in their personal lives, but I’ve been exposed to a lot of things. You know how you can imagine the craziest, most fucked up thing possible? But then there are things that are so wild that you can’t possibly think it is real? This is one of those things. Take a look at this:

Car and car model. Simple right. You may check out the car and appreciate the design, but you also check out the woman, nice j’s, thick through the thigh, proper arch of the back to try to show she’s working with something. That is why they put half dressed women in pictures of cars, so that someone might actually pause on a page that they might normally just breeze by. Well, there are people among us that are looking at the car. Not because they like cars…because they like cars. These freaks see this:

I’m talking headlights and tailpipes. There are apparently “Mechaphiliacs” out there who have sex with cars, and this guy, Edward Smith, is apparently the Wilt Chamberlain of fucking cars because he claims to have tailpiped over 1,000 motor vehicles. Like Hugh Hefner, he’s settled down with a Herbie the Luv Bug look-alike named “vanilla” that he calls his “girlfriend”.

So where the rest of us see this:

Sure there’s a mini cooper, and that chick might be terrible, and those stripper heels are completely unacceptable, but everyone checks the thong. Ed only sees this:

What a sick, sick dude. Ed, when R. Kelly said “You remind me of my Jeep” he meant that he wanted to ride the babe he was with like his favorite whip. What he didn’t do was meet a chick in the club and think to himself, “I can’t wait to get home and jump in the backseat and bang out my cup holders. Meanwhile, no one should ever ride with Ed anywhere, ever, not never, evaevaeva.

The craziest and most disturbing thing? Ed ain’t by himself. Check out this dude’s breakdown of hitting your favorite ride from the back doe armed with nothing but a beer coozy, some tape and some leverage. Here’s an excerpt.

If the engine has been on for a long (or even a relatively short)
period of time, the tailpipe will be hot.  Do not do anything with the
tailpipe hot.  Wait until the tailpipe has cooled off.  The tailpipe will
cool off faster than the engine, so you don't have long to wait.  I call
screwing the car while the tailpipe is hot, "fucking the car hot".
Never fuck a car hot.  I did, once.  Once.

Really? Who does this? What makes you go at it the first time? Is there a gateway vehicle? A bike where the seat rides up, or a motorcycle with a bad attitude? Do Pedomechanaphiliacs have a bunch of Power Wheels locked up in their basement? He goes on to talk about how sharp tailpipes are and why you need to watch out for soot. You’re dealing with an expert.

Here’s my question. If they like this, does that make them gay?

-Brock.

Sarah Larson Gives New Meaning to Bitnah in the Front Partay in the Back

George Clooney is a pimp. Stacks up sexiest man alive awards, employs himself by writing himself into his own movies, and finds a new babe about every 18 months.  Sarah Larson is his lady of the moment.  He brings her to press events.

Nice looking girl, huh?  I mean nothing spectacular, but she’s pretty.  This is part of what a man wants, bring her out, looks good, people are impressed, I’m sure she holds herself together well.  What is the rest of what a man wants , you ask?  You know the old story, lady in the streets and a freak in the bedroom.  Does Ms. Larson have that covered?  Well the evidence seems to point toward a resounding yes on that one.  Peep this:

Oh my damn.  Well props to Clooney for finding this…sand covered…ummmmm…magazine licking…ass propping in the air assuming the position…young lady.  Well, this isn’t enough for the crew here at Us Versus Them.  Longtime readers know there is one final test.  Intern, please present the evidence.

Oh well damn.  She’s got that covered too.  Fine, she’s in.  Well done Clooney.  Sarah Larson everyone…new wave UvT lady.  Lake will be looking for sex tapes any second now…

-Brock

Mo Money

Tax season is coming and when you stack paper like me and Lake you know you need some outside help to make sure things go smoothly. Here at Us Versus Them, we want to make sure you have access to only the finest services available.

Oh damn. Seriously, what the hell are they selling here? Is that really for tax services? Do people think it is better if your accountant (you have to assume that at least one of these guys is an accountant…right?) drives yachts and Ferrari’s? Fine all of that aside what was up with the dude that “got some bathing apes” on the beach?

And i’s not just for the fellas the ladies can get some too.

And the moral of this story is, if you can’t get your hair done and drive a busted car, you can hit up Mo Money taxes and head straight to the Lexus dealership…apparently you shouldn’t forget your Master P CD.

Once again it’s on…and I got the Hook UP….UHHHHHHHHHH!

and I’m rollin’

The sad thing is that people will watch that and think it is actually a good idea.

-Brock

============Update============

LOL.. That’s fucking hilarious. I especially like the different marketing schemes based on demographics. Ha. Men want bling and babes, women want pretty hair. Not sure why, but there’s something about a hair salon that just makes me laugh off the top.  That high ponytail signifying chaos in one’s life…regrettable every time.  Haven’t seen that since college, though it was usually covered up by some dingy, broke ass, sittin on high hat piece.

– Lake

Mary Ann Loves That Mary Jane

 This post is going to need a theme song.  Click this before reading on:

Awwww, come here girl…

Now where was I?  Oh yeah, Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island got arrested for marijuana possession.

You know Mary Ann..always the “smart girl” to Ginger’s “pretty girl”, part of the eternal debate of “who’s hotter, Ginger or Mary Ann?”.  For anyone who doesn’t know, here’s Ginger.

She definitely was keeping it 60’s sexy right there.  Anyway, now we’ve got lots of answers.  If we never found out how they got off the island, we definitely know how they got off on the island.  Mary Ann was packing that cheeba in coconuts and blazing between takes.  Hell, as far as I’m concerned we know who is hotter now too.  Who do you want, the chick that looks good, or the babe bringing a few dime bags to the party?

Hell, you know if ole girl is still blazing at 69 years old, she was a straight freak back when she was 26 and every white boy with a TV’s dream.

Hey Eliot…uhhhhh, Client 9, Mary Ann is about 5″5′, 105, brunette…just like you like ’em.  You tryin’ to holla?

Gotta think about it?  I feel you.

-Brock

Drug Smuggling Gone Wrong

I’m sure there are thousands of great drug smuggling stories out there. We’ve got the basics, hiding some yayo in a few crates full of virgin mary statues a la Lost. Get a human pack mule to swallow balloons and hope they don’t die on the way over. You can drop it in the false bottom of your Ron Mexico commemorative water bottle. This kid really took it to the next level with this scheme.

This dude custom melted and formed a box full of weed filled candles and tried to cross the border with the box in his trunk. Check out my man’s handywork.

You gotta love the commitment. My man broke out the decorations on the jar, wrapped them all up in cellophane, cute little bows on the top, everything. Not to mention whatever he had to do to hide the weed inside the candles. You know this dude wasn’t your everyday gangster.
The drug sniffing dogs caught up with him and figured out there was weed somewhere in the trunk. Here’s the crazy thing though. That box up there? Only six candles, right? Dude had thirty pounds of weed hidden in the candles. Now I can’t eyeball weed to know what 30 pounds looks like, but those candles don’t look that big. Was he planning on lighting the candles and just getting your atmosphere high on?

I feel like for all that work, he should have at least gone Nate Newton on ’em and tried to move a couple hundred pounds. In fact, UvT got in touch with Nate for a quick interview.

Brock: “Nate, back in 2001 you were busted for trying to traffic 250 pounds of weed in the back of a van. What was the plan?”

Nate: “I needed to get my smoke on dog. I’m a big boy.”

Brock: “Now according to my records you were busted again later that month with another 175 pounds of weed in the same van. What the hell were you thinking?”

Nate: ” I thought I had it all planned out. Lightning never strikes twice. That’s some bullshit by the way.”

Brock: “Listen here Nate. Some kid just got caught smuggling weed inside of candles. What do you think of that plan?”

Brock: “Nate? Hey big fella. Hello? I guess you don’t like the plan. How about this. How would you feel if you had thirty pounds of weed right now?”

Nate: “Man, that would be great. Weed. Snacks. You know that’s how I get down.”

Brock: “Snacks? Whatever makes you happy man. Thanks Nate. I guess”

One of our interns caught Nate after the interview and saw this.

Damn, I guess Nate doesn’t play when he gets the munchies. Are those some damn E.L. Fudge cookies?

-Brock

The War on Terror-ible: Rule No. 1 Violation

Look, if there is one group of cats I don’t fuck with, it’s terrorists/insurgents (yes, I acknowledge they aren’t the same, but just let me be simplistic here) . I mean, let’s face it, pound for pound, those cats are the hardest, wildest and scariest dudes on the planet. Politics aside, I don’t want any trouble with those cats and generally, I just assume that they’re macho cats with an appetite for a little celestially mandated blood letting. So I say this with the utmost um respect, I guess (better put, I don’t want no trouble), but what in the hell is going on with this cat?!

On Monday, the Department of Defense released a story and pictures about a disguised group of insurgents. Soldiers manning a checkpoint near Baghdad stopped a wedding convoy to find that the purported bride and groom were wanted terror suspects, an Iraqi Defense Ministry official said Monday. As soldiers searched the wedding cars, they found the veiled bride was actually a stubbly-faced man.

(The flowers were a nice touch though)

Damn. I thought these radical Jihadists didn’t go for that funny shit. I mean, they don’t have a don’t ask don’t tell over there. It’s a don’t ask or I’ll kill. Don’t tell or you’re dead.

(Even their nerds get gangsta with it)

Still, you just know they got some gay radical cats over there. What can you do? Let’s face it, there are gays in every walk of life.  So you gotta wonder which dude volunteers to rock the dress in a super conservative culture. Hmmm. Maybe Rudy Giuliani can answer that one.

At any rate, this is pretty terrible and a clear violation of Rule No. 1.

Damn son, get up off the ground and stop looking at me like that. Terrible.

Upon hearing the news of the man dressed as a woman, Senator Larry Craig, Republican from Idaho, immediately boarded a plane to Iraq to “investigate” the situation.

Word on the street is that he wants to “liberate” this young “bride” with a one-on-one interrogation, preferably next to a urinal.

– Lake

Woman Coughs up a Giant Hairball

I generally don’t like to disgust people, but this was one of the biggest WTF moments I’ve ever had.  Apparently some 18 year old chick coughed up the giant hairball pictured below.

That’s a 10 pounder right there.  Old girl had a habit of eating her hair, and at some point it stopped passing through her system.  It backed up to the point where she had constant stomach pain and had lost 40 pounds.  That thing is 15 inches long and 7 inches wide and deep.  How was there even that much space in this chicks stomach?

The really crazy thing, is thinking about how much hair she had to lose or pull out to get to this point, I mean I know rastas that don’t have that much hair on their head.  Did she harvest it from friends?  Is she the only person in the world that is happy when she sees a hair in her food?  Was she licking cats?

Apparently she has recovered after the surgery, but after this, I’m expecting chicks to start eating hair as the new weight-loss technique.  Wig watchers, Weavy Craig.  They should be cropping up any minute now.

-Brock

Trapped in the closet: Another gay Republican is exposed

Oh look, two weeks have passed so I guess it’s time for yet another Gay, Anti-Gay hypocrite Republican story. Let’s see who we got this time. Meet State Senator Rep. Richard “Dick” Curtis (R) from Washington State (and no I’m not making up that nickname. Not only is he a phony gay cat, but he’s a Dick, literally, LOL).

(What’s the deal with these walrus looking gay cats? Boy, this must be an interview, because homey is sweating like an Oz prison bitch with Schillinger and the boys around the corner in this pic. Yikes.)

Anyway, it was reported that some dude out in Spokane, Washington was trying to extort $1,000 out of Senator Dick. Dude said he was just looking for payment for ahem services rendered after a tryst in a hotel…You see, it turns out ole boy was a male prostitute. Awww heeell naw.

Whoa, this fool looks like a deflated John Cena. Not the upside down visor piece. Homo thugs activate. Anyway, the male prostitute was later identified as Cody Castagna, pictured above. Cody said that they had sex in the hotel room with Senator Curtis, but that the Senator Dick didn’t want to pay up after the deed was done. I guess Dick figured he’d put that ass on layaway (ok, even that was too much for me..haa). Wrong. WRONG. Ole boy wanted his stack piece right then and threatened to out Senator Dick for being a closeted gay man with a wife and three kids… Supa uglay!!

Worst of all, Senator Dick was a strong supporter of what? You guessed it, Anti Gay legislation!!!! Ding, ding, ding!!!! In 2005 and 2006, Curtis voted against a bill that granted civil rights protections to gays and lesbians. In 2007, Curtis voted against a bill that created domestic partnerships for same-sex couples. Still, both bills passed despite his opposition.

Initially on Monday when the story broke, ole Senator Dick said publicly “I am not gay, I have not had sex with a guy. I was just trying to help someone out” Is that what they’re calling it these days? Perhaps he needs to get with fellow “not gay until we found out he had sex with mens” fix-it man/con artist Ted Haggard, the once leader of some 10 million evangelical Christians.

Give him a week and he’ll knock that gay stain right off and he’ll keep it off. I mean, after all, he’s cured and delivered.. good as new.

(Uh Ted, I think it’d be best if you just stopped taking the knee all together. Thx)

You’ll be rejuvinated, purified, sanctified and feeling like your old, self righteous self again.

Anyway, once the story unraveled some, then it all started to come out. First, someone saw Senator Curtis at an adult store dressed up as a damn woman (wow) having a “sexual act” performed on him that very same day by “a man with a cane”… Ok, I’m uncomfortable. The workers at the store said that Senator Curtis came to the store often, “he’s our cross-dresser” they said… Wow. Senator Curtis’ reaction upon hearing all the beans spilling was, and I’m not making this up, “I need a divorce lawyer”…. haaaaa Ya think? These gay, anti gay cats are hilarious. They kind of remind me of the fictional blind, black white supremacist character, Clayton Bigsby, on the Chappelle Show.

When will they learn? This cat didn’t mind anti-gay legislation because all of his gay shit was happening on the down low, just how he likededed that shit. Fucking awful. Guess what player, in case you didn’t notice:

And everyone knows it… I guess that’s why he resigned today and now Cody Castagna, the gay prostitute dude, is doing interviews saying he was victimized by the Senator. Yikes… Senator, next time you better just pay up. I hope the G spot you saved on some premium homo thug tail was worth your entire career, reputation and marriage.

Don’t worry, some other hypocrite will just take his place. It will be some cat who doesn’t want drugs near schools, but yet he’s a coke addict. Or some cat who wants to “strengthen the family” as long as it doesn’t interfere with them hoes he’s got on the side. I love the GOP. So brave. So Moral. So brazen. So hypocritical.

– Lake

Bizarre Ride From The Far Side…of Texas!

Now we all know it is dangerous to pick up hitchhikers, but down in Texas, it isn’t even safe to be a hitchhiker. So here’s how it went down. James Wayne Evans was looking for a ride on the side of the road in some backwoods Texas town when a friendly face felt his plight and stopped to pick him up.

But this ride came with strings attached. I guess the driver, Angie, wanted a little something in return. She drove ol’ Jimmy Wayne back to her horse barn (literally) and let him know that she needed a little intimacy head in return. Well getting your freak on must be the currency of the road because the hitcher not only knew that he’d have to make the old penis payment, he also had preset limits. You know, he’s got principals.

So Angie and James start to get loose when Angie asks for oral sex. He agrees (where the hell was that line drawn anyway?) and gets ready to pay for his ride. I guess Angie was packing more than he bargained for because he found out that Angie’s feet weren’t big because she worked on a farm and that extra bass in her voice wasn’t a sultry smokers purr. Angie was a dude.

Even Wesley Snipes knows that ain’t right.

So a surprised Jimmy stabs the dude on his way out the door. An-Gerald calls the police (she had been stabbed) and the police arrest Jimmy…not Angie. And the cops go on to say, you can’t just pick up a hitchhiker these days, no one in their right mind would put themselves in this kind of danger. What?!?! James was fine right up until Angie hit him with the old Crying Game. James would have taken his ride, given his ride (seriously, where was that line? We know it is shy of homosexual sword fighting, but how many truck drivin’, horse barn having, strong chinned good Samaritans had ol’ boy banged out to make his way across Texas?)

This raises all sorts of questions:

Did Angie think this was going to work? It seems like if you are a cross dressing dude driving through the ultimate red state you might want to get your expectations out there early. Are there really people who can get so worked up that when they encounter dack instead of lovely lady lumps they say “f’ it, I’m here, I might as well get some”. I’m thinking (hoping) not.

Is there some version of entrapment that can send Angie’s ass to jail too? I mean damn, that ain’t right.

Unless you are in Brazil, the land of the pretty tranny, and I don’t think bodunk, Texas, is going to hold up to the same standard, James has to know this was a dude. I mean seriously.

Shouldn’t James get off for self defense? I mean Angie tried to stab him with a sharp object. *shudder*

How the hell did the cops get this story out? I mean they had to be cracking up behind the two way glass as this was coming out.

-Brock

Bill Maas continues to be a wild boy!!!

Loyal readers will remember the story of Bill Maas from a few months back when he got popped by the fuzz for ridin’ dirty with that young thing. It’s too bad too, because Bill Maas is one of my favorite NFL commentators. He’s got that edge, that bite, I guess from being a hard hitting 9 year vet of the Kansas City Chiefs himself, but it’s pretty clear that Bill is out of control!

Indeed, back in July Bill and his lady friend here got stopped by the cops and then Bill just started wigging out, submitted to a search of his vehicle (why?) where they found weed, cocaine, twenty something pills of X and a gun!!! DAAAAAYUM.

Now the news wire is reporting that on Wednesday, Bill Maas got popped for trying to bring a loaded handgun on a plane in his carry-on bag.

Is this cat serious? Hey, maybe the prosecutors should just cut this cat some slack. Who among us hasn’t forgotten to “carefully stow” our heat before we head off to the airport? I mean, it’s not like a loaded gun would be any cause for concern or anything, right? Can you imagine what those TSA slugs did when Bill’s bag first went through that X-ray machine?

(I’m sure the first three people it passed by looked something like this cat)

I mean, that under-worked and overpaid (and no I don’t know what they are paid, but no matter what it is, it’s too much) TSA employee who spends 50% of her day laughing with her fellow shirk happy colleagues, 20% of the day inexplicably sitting down in some abandoned gate area, 10% reading the paper, 8% walking back into that little side office to do God knows what and a solid 12% actually doing her job must have been SHOCKED to see a damn GAT sitting up in Maas’ bag…

And then just imagine Bill, conspicuously big as all hell, probably red faced from whatever drug binge he went on last night and just impatient like the rest of us:

TSA woman: “Um, sir, is this your bag?”

Bill Maas: “Yes”, with a look on his face that says “Just give me my shit”

TSA woman: “Um, sir, we’re going to have to do secondary screening of your bag”

You can’t really blame Bill for his impatience, after all, they do love to take too long with your stuff which for the business traveler is an unmitigated violation; even if you are packing illegal heat like Bill Maas…LOL

Classic. Hey, at least they caught the gun. I’ve consistently taken liquids and gels onto planes in my carry-on bags only to realize it later. And why is it that they seem unable to prevent me from bringing an assortment of liquids on board, but my iRun shoes are 1. a mystery to these people and 2. suddenly a matter of national security? Yes, I AM aware that there is a digital chip in my shoe. Where do they find these people?

Of course, Bill’s defense is the same as anyone, he just took the wrong bag. Right, because don’t we all keep identical bags, one for our heat, the other for our non gel or liquid based travel supplies? Isn’t that the same argument God Shammgod errrrr Sebastian Telfair used that one time to explain why he brought a gat on a plane? Hey, normally, I’d say cut Bill some slack or no sweat, but this cat Bill Maas is known for popping X, tooting the white horse and using those damn firearms to kill large mammals, so I think we’d all be a lot safer if they just took this cat off the streets for good. This fool is dangerous!!!

I know let’s just put PETA on his ass for killing all these animals.  They’re good about using celebrities for their own ends errr making an example out of people who mistreat innocent wildlife.

– Lake

PS- If the Bear is so innocent, why is it that he’d be willing to eat my ass in a heartbeat? Don’t get me wrong, I’m no hunter and I don’t get the jones these fools get off of hunting, but a 7, 1 cat who wants to eat me is anything but innocent and if necessary, that fool gotta go. Think on that PETA…