Fake or Real Part 3: You Decide

I know a few cats don’t like my Fake v. Real aka Them v Us posts, but I like a repeated theme.  Anyway, so tell me.  Is it all hers?  (Sorry for this)

AHNT.  Lord Jesus, send help fast.

– Brock err Lake (yikes)

For Some Reason There is More Than One Republican Analyst Named Tucker

So I’m flipping through the channels last night and hit CNN for a quick update on the RNC.  I see Campbell Brown going at it with a McCain spokesman.  I don’t really recognize the dude, but he is the typical talking head.  Campbell caught him with a wild question on Sarah Palin’s big executive decisions as President of the PTA, Scout Leader of Brownie Troop 523, Mayor of Saytheweezybaybee, Alaska or whatever she’s been doing when Campbell says, “Tucker, answer the question”.  That gets my interest, so I look up.

Daaaaaaamn.  When did Tucker Carlson become a McCain spokesperson?  I knew Tucker Carlson lost the bow tie a while ago, but the haircut really tightened him up.  He actually looks like a respectable human being now.  He lost the shaggy, high school haircut and actually looks like a grown ass man.

Then I went looking for him today, and that’s not Tucker Carlson.  It’s some dude named Tucker Bounds.  Unfortunately, Tucker Carlson still looks like this.

Damn, I guess I gave you too much credit Tuck.  Here is a free piece of advice though.  Take the picture above, print it out, take it to your barber and say “give me this”.  You are 39 years old, and it is time to start looking like it.  You still look like a real life Richie Rich to me.

The Tuckers really do look alike though don’t they?  That dude is like Tucker 2.0.  Either that or all white dudes look alike to me.  One or the other, I can’t tell which one it is yet.

-Brock

Kate Moss is Golden

Back in the day I wasn’t really a Kate Moss dude.  The skinny chick didn’t do it for me.  In the mid-90’s vintage Anna Nicole was more my speed when it came to in vogue white models of the time.  (I’m talking Guess Jeans ad “Texas thick” Anna Nicole, not sloppy “Texas Rich” Anna Nicole.)

So Kate Moss has been made into the largest gold sculpture since sculptures in ancient Egypt.  It is called “Siren”.  Quite an honor.

The artist Mark Quinn said he wanted to capture the quintessential beauty of the moment.  Once again, I’m not really sure Kate Moss is that babe, but we’ll roll with it for the sake of argument.  Look at the close up.  Looks like a classy affair, right?  Wrong.

Is this dude serious?  He’s got Kate Moss in the reverse Hucklebuck like this some sort of porn show.  My bad, my bad, this is a “yoga position”.  Sure thing.  By the way, the camera man that chose this angle just earned a few perv points as well.  There hasn’t been anything this wild since the Britney Spears pregnant doggy style sculpture.

You know the messed up thing?  400 years from now, when all the hard drives have failed, all the disks are scratched, and all the data is long lost, this huge piece of gold will probably be the only evidence of today’s society.  We’ll all be skinny, expressionless practicers of the kama sutra.  That and the history of the Bush White House.  That legendary performance will be passed from generation to generation like a fable.  Great.

-Brock

The Bachelorette: DeAnna is just like the rest of em…

Lake was right dammit.  I don’t watch the damn Bachelor, but I know that Lake’s post started a damn outrage.  No one understood why DeAnna went for the free-spirited snowboarder.  We’ll the crack staff at Us Versus Them dug up the real deal.

Don’t be surprised if she ask where da cash at?

So the snowboarder is pushing a Masarati?  Oh yeah, he’s really down to earth.  Hey everyone who thought DeAnna didn’t go for the perfect prince of a man, you need to check your definition of prince.  I’m also sure this isn’t the first time Jesse’s car attracted some hose either.

By the way, is Deanna bad?

Look she’s clearly decent.  This right here is old school white woman thick.  I’m not talking new wave Kimmy K thick, I’m talking looks good in jeans, curves in all the right places, but not really bringing anything to the table thick.  You know the master assologist needs confirmation.  Let’s get that angle 2.

Uhhhhhh, yeah.  She could trick you in the right jeans and some dim lighting, but she’s not UvT quality.  DeAnna I’m glad you found true love.  I’m sure you loved being on tv, you love that car, you love being a People Magazine cover, and a prenuptual negotiation away from being independently wealthy.  I love it.  I bet that won’t be on the recap next season.

-Brock

===============Update=============

Damn straight I called the shit.  DeAnna was the most pushy bachelorette as a contestant I ever saw and then she just took it to a higher level when she became that Bachelorette with the big B.

She’s literally the worst.  She saw the big loot cakes and little brain and went right for Jesse.  Let’s be clear, when the second place dude’s profession went from “Real Estate Attorney” to “Account Executive,” we should have known he was done for.

DeAnna keeps her golddigging game just as tight as she keeps her crazy controlling woman game.  Now what’s not very tight is that midsection, which is fine, actually.  I must say, she sports it like it’s completely all good.  You kind of have to respect it in this day and age.  At any rate, with her “I’m saying she’s a gold digger” because “clearly she wouldn’t have picked Jesse, nilla” status, I’m just glad my boy, Best Bachelor Alive, Brad Womack really stuck it to her when he had a chance.

errrrrrrrr

I’m hoping he hit in the fantasy suite too. haaa  Dude, is there ANYTHING in reality tv better than the fantasy suite?  I can’t get over it… dude hands ole girl taht little card, you know the one that say, “Will you let me HIT?”  It’s so damn good.

– Lake

From Handchecks to Phone Checks

There’s something new in the world of “you can go to jail for that?” news.  Ex-NBA ref Tim Donaghy was just sentenced to 15 months of prison time for giving inside tips on games. At best, that means he was tipping people off when Chauncy Billups needed some extra tape on his ankles, at worst he was calling too many charges and bumps in the lane.  For some reason, that means that Donaghy pled guilty to felony conspiracy charges.  Conspiracy for what?  Conspiring to make some loot on a game.  Altering the outcome of a game?  You go to jail for that?  Look, I get perjury.  You lie under oath and you gotta go.  But making him go to jail?  That ain’t right.  Pete Rose is the most notorious gambler ever and he just can’t get into the hall of fame, he never went to jail.

Anyway, here are a few tips for Tim while he’s in the ol’ hoosegow.

First, prey that no one in jail never sees this picture.

I don’t know what you were doing, but it is going to be interpreted differently on the inside.  Also, you might not want to do this either.

Unless you are huddled out in the yard shooting craps.  Otherwise, you should keep your head well above crotch level at all times.

Finally…

If a bald brother with a handlebar mustache creeps up behind you anytime in the next 15 months, you might want to watch your back.

Phone Check Fool.

-Brock

Mr. Belding: He Wasn’t a Principal, He Was A Pimp-cipal

It seemed like Saved by the Bell was on TV for long about forever.

It was on so long, I don’t even recognize that dude in the top left.  Who the hell is he?  They really must not have needed his ass because he got clipped and not replaced.  He looks like he’s supposed to be the cool ’80’s music teacher or something.  I also know I’m going to have a Lisa Turtle/Lark Voorhees flashback before this is all said and done.

Here’s the question, if you had to look at all the guys in this picture and predict who is pimpin’…who would it be. (Aside from the aforementioned Beaker looking guy…Seriously, who is that?)  Zack Morris?  Actually, where the hell is that dude and when was the last time her worked?  “Saved By the Bell: They Got Jobs Now“?  Screech?  He does have a sex tape (yes I didn’t look for nor link to it on purpose).  Slater?  Isn’t he dancing with the Stars?  Was that him?  It was right, so he’s got that bad dancing chick.  Well you’re all wrong.  The correct answer is Mr. Muthafackin’ Belding.  Peep this.

Mr. Belding is gettin’ it in Vegas.  Three chicks, trying to grab some high thigh, still dressed like a principal.  Don’t believe it’s him?

That’s him, and that’s not Lisa Turtle…she might be hiding a few turtles though.  So is Mr. Belding really pimping, can he strike a pose?

Nice, Mr. Belding.  Still got that sense of humor.  That pic is hilarious.  The classic “slap that ass” pic must have been right after this one.  What is this guy doing other than enjoying life?  Oh, and this isn’t news by the way, this is apparently what this guy does.  Talk about stretching out your 15 minutes of fame.  These chicks probably think it’s cute to bang Mr. Belding.

And for the record:

Lark Voorhees can still get it.  She looks like a regular chick too.  I might have to holler at her and Betty Okino and have a quick 80’s fantasy flashback.

-Brock

New York Magazine cover

Satire?  Parody?  This is just fucked up.

Middle America is going to really understand the nuanced humor here.  Thanks for enlightening the masses New Yorker Magazine.  Let’s see, an “Obama is Muslim” jab, with a sprinkle of “He hates America”, all mixed up with a heavy pinch of “Don’t forget they are Black”.  They gave Michelle Obama an afro!

Why not just break out the blackface, the Mr. Bojangle’s gloves and the dynamite vest too?  There isn’t even much political news right now.  Nothing is really going to crank up until the conventions so this is dropping a bomb for no damn reason.  Assholes.

-Brock

Big Brother 10: Season Premiere Review

Well well well…if it aint one of my favorite reality tv shows back on the air, BIG BROTHER.  Man, I’ve often told Brock, if there is one reality tv game I’d do, it’d be Big Brother.  I mean, just breaking cats down mentally, tricking them into icing down their friends and playing politics based purely on my powers of persuasion…that’s me.  Survivor is great, but without gel to smooth my hair down, I’d already be at half strength from jump.  And while Lake despises the metro-sexual, which is really a nice way of calling a cat gay, I keep shit too pretty to have bugs, rats and dirty hippies crawling on my while I’m catching a Z or three.

Nah, if I did a reality show, I’d definitely be doing Big Brother and I’d certainly be following the Chill-Town model with ala Will and to a lesser extent, Mike Boogie.  I still love those guys.

So I peeped this first episode and mostly I was underwhelmed.

But that’s ok, because I felt the same way about Big Brother 9 and that shit ended up being INSANE.  So I’m sure it will be fine.  The short of the first show is that they went ahead and picked the Head of Household on looks alone.  Naturally, the old dude, Jerry, won given that generally speaking, everyone else in the house looked exactly the same.  And the old dude was asked to verify, which he happily did, whether some J’s were fake or real….I liked that about him.  No quit.

Hey, who knows, maybe there is hope for John McCain after all.  Anyway, the old dude rolls up into the HOH room and we see the obligatory pic of him in his Korean War get up, then some young buck comes in and basically tricks him into picking his two nominations, a crazy broad from New Orleans that everyone thinks is annoying and a wild professional body builder.  Hey, we’ll see.  It’s basic Big Brother, antics.  Do you get rid of the annoying chick who scarily slid on a wig/head band combo?

Yuck… Or do you out the potentially threatening meathead?  I say off the meathead while you’ve got a shot, plus annoying chicks who ruffle people’s feathers are always good for everyone else in the house.  Keeps the eyes off them.  Oh and we had the sell out sister on display and that’s always a good thing.

And by good thing I mean terrible.  Fine, you’re with a white dude, but you don’t have to be completely defined by it.  I mean, just play it cool.  This chick gets in the house five minutes and suddenly is babbling about her “fair skinned” daughter and the fact that she’s got twins, one a blue eyed “white baby” and the other a “black baby, that looks like (her)”.

AND?  I got a dog that looks like the Men in Black pooch only different, so the fuck what?  Look, nobody cares about your sold lifestyle, your extra light skinned 2 out of 3 children or the fact that your kids have different skin colors from any of the versions of Michael Jackson.

You know who cares about shit like that?  Chicks who have MAJOR issues with the fact that they’re sold.  And I know what you’re thinking, “Lake, why so harsh, maybe she just said it in passing”… nah, I went over to the broad’s profile and she’s got it in there too.  Meanwhile, her twins are only 5 months old and she’s running off to play a Reality TV game?  Perfect.  Why’d you wait so long?  You should have been on Big Brother 9, taken the spike from both Crazy James and Parker and then you’d really have something to talk about when you first meet people.

What kind of parent, let alone a mother, leaves her extra light skinned blue eyed baby and “looks just like her” black child all alone to deal with their first months of life?  I mean, what are they going to drink in lieu of breast milk, Gatorade G2?  “It’s good because my mama like it and if my mama like it, I like it…”  AHNT haa  That’s a horrible commerical by the way, D Wage.. Just awful.   And with their mother gone, whose going to pass along those all so important color issues to the next generation of sellouts and self haters?

Anyway, I’m pretty amp’d for Big Brother.  My tivo was looking pretty dry and anemic, so this should definitely give it a boot along with Generation Kill, From G’s to Gents (lol) and I Love Money.  If yall think of any other shows I need to add to my list, please shout me a holler.

– Lake

Barbershop Logic: The New Gaydar

I don’t know how many of you have ever been to a black barbershop, but it is honestly one of the funniest places on earth.

It is just a bunch of Black men standing around offering either completely underinformed or hilariously overinformed opinions on everything. This one killed me though. Here’s the story.

Brian McKnight did a show here and some of the dudes in the shop went. (Of course they had to emphasize that their ladies dragged them there…and they didn’t like it) I guess at some point Brian McKnight was giving shouts out to the crowd to all the couples out there and specifically a gay male couple, saying, “I see you guys out there too, God bless you” So the original controversy was that he said “God bless you”, but the conversation rapidly turned to the fact that Brian McKnight must be gay.

Okay, first of all, 70 percent of all male pop and R&B singers automatically come under suspicion. It must have something to do with all the sensitive love songs they are putting out there. Then the barber in the booth next to me said “I always knew Brian McKnight was gay”. The debate started up “you just think that because he’s a singer”, “I thought he was gay too”, “nah, I’ve seen him in the club with some bad bitches dawg”, but my man stayed firm, 100% sure. Finally, someone called him on it and asked. “Yo why are you so sure?”

“No Pockets”

*silence*

“He never has on pockets. If your pants ain’t got no pockets…you gay” The evidence:

Damn, he’s right. No pockets. If he had pockets, the hands would be in the pockets, not on the place on his thighs where his pockets should be. I wasn’t convinced. You know me, I had to do more research.

Aw damn, I’m thinking those snakeskin pants ain’t got no pockets. There is definitely a trend here.

Then they went to Prince. I had to say, look, Prince has been with some of the baddest chicks of all time: Vanity, Carmen Electra, Apollonia, Sheena Easton, Mayte Garcia, and is currently doing it Hugh Heffner style with these two ladies.

That’s not gay to me. Sure the man wears high heels, he plays shirts vs. blouses basketball on the shores of Lake Minnetonka, but I say he’s not gay. The debate raged on until it settled down and got around to my man in the next booth.

“No Pockets”

Damn. He’s right again. Airtight logic, what could I say? I guess that gives new meaning to the term “get your pockets right”.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Guys Who Put the Toilet Seat Down

This “rule” is always hilarious to me. Every dude runs into this lecture long about 3am after you are chillin’ over at a chicks house and she makes that middle of the night dash to the bathroom. She comes back and hits you with the demand that you put down the toilet seat. Sure, I’ve heard it is the rule, but who thinks about that when you are buzzin’ after the party, and can only concentrate on how good that post-cut piss feels. In fact, she should be happy that I even took the time to put the toilet seat up. I coulda just hosed the whole spot down. Fine, I’ll follow rules if it means I can cut on the regular. Then came lesson #2. “Put the toilet seat down” apparently also doesn’t mean this.

Toilet seat down, right? Nah, this ain’t it. Apparently this just means that the chick catches an assfull of icy cold porcelain in the middle of the night. So I initially thought this was just some kind of aesthetic demand, but then I figured out that these chicks just back it on in in the dark. Come on, you don’t at least check it? Is that the benefit of sitting down, that you don’t need the lights so aim so you just take the next step and feel around in the dark like the blind?

So FYI, here is what they’re looking for.

Locked, loaded and ready to go. I guess.

How about this, it is man up Monday fellas. Here’s the new rule. Do what I do. When a girl comes by the crib, demand that she leaves your toilet seat UP.

That’s what I’m talking about. Make it convenient for what I’ve got to do. I might even start trying to shoot in the dark too. Why not? It’s my mf’n house. I’ll work it out eventually. As long as I don’t catch that post-nut split stream.

Don’t act like it’s just me.

Fellas. Man Up!

-Brock

===========Update============

Dude, you aint never lied about this one.  I hate that bullshit “I’ll fallen in” nonsense.  If you fell in, it’s your own damn fault.

It’s not like men don’t have to put the seat down to hit up #2, we do and my dude, I aint fallen in yet.  I wonder why that is, oh yes, BECAUSE I’M AN ADULT WHO LOOKS DOWN BEFORE PUTTING MY ASS ANYWHERE, UmmmKay?

Yall chicks are too much.  Don’t you have enough in this world?  Engagement rings, presumptive payment of your dranks and dinners, warnings on traffic tickets, “ladies free before Eleven”….   I know, I know, “I’ve got the money to buy my own”, sure, but do you got money to buy MINE too?  Because that’s what I’m expected to have errrytime I hit the streets.  And dudes, believe me, if you don’t have the jack to pay for the whole night, just keep it low with a “it’s not delivery it’s DiGiornos” and your blockbuster pick of the week.  I mean, if you don’t got it, don’t even try.  You can’t win.

Anyway, this just aint something I’m willing to compromise on.  Seat stay up yall.  And don’t think that because the seat stays down your man or worse, the dude you’re just messing with won’t play target practice on the seat down toilet…he will.  WE ALL HAVE BEFORE.

Don’t sleep, you want that hole as large and spacious as you can possibly get it.  Talk about falling in, you’ll think you’re at that Chi Town aRa Kelly Memorial Water Park messing with Lake Jr. after a night flying with the Goose.  Book it, seats up!

– Lake, King of the Castle