If You Need Any Additional Assistance…

I travel a lot.  I’ve got it down to a science.  One bag, fits in the overhead.  Take my frequent flyer upgrade and slam brews and/or vodka until I reach my destination or get cut off at 30,000 feet.  Unpack, repack, repeat.

So all the airlines have these systems for getting people on and off the planes, load from the back, get on by sections, sometimes they just launch into a complete clusterfuck and go every man for himself.  But they all have one thing in common.

“If you need any additional assistance, or extra time to get on the plane, please board now”

Why does this happen first?  If you need more time, your ass should be getting on last when you’ve got all the time in the world.  Old people, people with babies, anyone who is faking a limp so they can get to all the overhead space.  Let those cats on last and we’ll really see how much extra time they need.  I bet they won’t feel the need to be special then.  Seriously, how do you let the slower people on first in interest of speed?  That doesn’t even make sense on paper.  All that means is that everyone else gets backed up for 10 minutes waiting for them to get settled.  It’s like a traffic jam, once the damage is done, it might be a half an hour before it gets right.

Let em on last once the coast is clear so they don’t hold up the other 140 people trying to get on the plane.  Then they can stand in the aisle, there’s no pressure to move faster, no one staring at you as you schlep up the walkway with all your crap.

So there ya go airlines.  That one is free.  See, every industry needs a little sprinkle of Us Versus Them.  It’s like Tussin, it makes everything better.

-Brock

BUSTED: Joakim Noah Smokes The Dope

This really isn’t news so I’ll give it a few seconds of actual story time until I move on to more worthy pursuits.  But Joakim Noah, the back-to-back NCAA Basketball National Champion and Chicago Bull Forward, just got busted for possession the hippie lettuce and unauthorized public liquor sippin the ‘nother day in Florida.

I know, I know, the next thing I’ll tell you is that water is wet, R. Kelly enjoys pissing on teens and the Yankees Suck this year.  Believe me, Joakim Noah smoking tweed is about as much of a lock as you can possibly get in life. 

And while we’re at it, hell, why not, let’s just go ahead and roll back that ridiculous celebration dance homey pulled last year.

Hard to imagine that dude is on some banned substances, huh?  And even better, his pops doesn’t understand what all the fuss is about, hmmmm, I wonder why?

“In the newspapers, there’s a lot of talk about my son who is 23 and has a drink with his friends and who is caught with a joint in his pocket,” said Noah senior.

“He called me. He said: ‘Dad, I think I’ve blundered’. I said: ‘Yes, it’s a mistake but it’s not serious. Don’t change. Make me happy, don’t let it happen again’.”

Hey, it’s hard to fault pops for taking the smooth and easy approach when he can smoke the finest herbs over in Paris with an assortment of extra light skinned bunnies he seems to hold in his pockets like so many nickels and dimes (Godfather I reference).

Yannick is so pimp.  I’m sure Joakim needs some “home grown” to just get his mind off how much cooler his pops is than him.  Anyway, While I was looking up the particulars on this Joakim “blunder” I noticed something: Joakim’s sister Yelena Noah is pretty decent.

Whoops, that’s “Black” from Flavor of Love 3.. not sure how she got in there… Yelana?

Very nice.. now lean with it…

Ahhh, interesting, but only average.  Maybe she needs to be glammed up a bit:

Better, but still unimpressive.  Hey, mid post, I’ve reversed myself.  Not only is this babe not UvT quality, but now I finally know how Pac felt on “Hit Em Up” when he pronounced, “I don’t even know why I’m on this mufuckin track,” because this chick is scarcely post worthy.  To cleanse my palate let me lace up one of Yannick Noah’s ladies of yore, Heather Stewart Whyte, his second wife.

Now she was/is Euro-flow, Bolivian Marching Powder, celery for breakfast, lunch and dinner hot.  Sheeeeiit, she was even Maxim ugly American hot…

Hell, she’s even got some Not Safe For Work street cred right here.  I like it.  Sheeeeit, Heather saved my post.  Can’t have the “you’re ho game is weak” boo birds blowing up my celly like last week. 

– Lake

Jenna Bush Tied that Knot

I know I’m crazy late but I would be completely remiss if I didn’t comment on Jenna Bush’s wedding (shouts to Will) over the weekend. Now I can’t lie, typically my reaction to those aesthetically unappealing Bush babes looks something like this:

Though I do find that look in Babs’ eye somewhat appealing in this pic. But even I must say, after that wedding day diet plan, Jenna looked her best on Saturday.

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So lovely. And look, she even took a picture in front of the tree her ancestors hung their naughty slaves from. How quaint. I don’t know, just seeing my little Jenna like this almost brings a tear to my eye. I remember her back in such a more simpler time.

Nah, I’m not talking about that. I’m was thinking of this:

“Babs, I think I just pissed myself, again….Haaaaa”

Ah yes, All American gals. It kind of makes you wonder, what with those TWO CRIMINAL MISDEMEANORS Jenna has on her record and all, whether she didn’t get caught snorting cocaine just like her dad back in the day.

Oh well. We’ll put that all behind us, right? I mean, how bad can a coke head President be for the country anyhow? Anyway, none of that matters now because we can all take heart in the fact that Jenna and Henry Hagar love each other for all the right reasons.

I’ll give them 9 years (and two kids) until it goes bad. After all, you’ve got to keep up appearances.

– Lake

I told Brock this chick wasn’t right

And I told yall that Christina Aguilera’s baby aint gonna be right if he’s drinking from these silicone mountains.

That stage right breast piece aint sittin right. Ladies out there considering throwing some D’s on it or even throwing some C’s… just take note that this is not the kind of freak we’re looking for. Someone call social services to ensure that baby aint sippin on her HGH globes.

Just another reason to say “Go Red Sox..”

– Lake

————–UPDATE——————-

Awwwww damn!  I thought that was all baby love in there.  That blue veined look is never hot.  I mean that right J looks like it is from a small town called left tittay and it’s feeling homesick.

-Brock

And you thought it couldn’t get any worse….

I’m not a big Wino guy. I don’t really listen to her music aside from the obligatory “Rehab” bridge each and every Club DJ felt they had to hit me with back in 2007, but when I saw this I just had to post it. She gets a few points for going retro Johnny Depp, but let’s face it, this chick is just terrible. Yes she is talented and yes she has done wonders for my strange interest in the Bolivian Marching Powder, but otherwise, what has she contributed to popular culture?

And in case you were wondering, that’s the ole “Not Kardashian” negative arse piece. “Ass so flat you can see it from the front!”

I must admit, Mos Def got that one (reversed of course) as right as this chick is wrong on Ms. Fat Booty.

– Lake

Oh Hail Naw: Zoe, What Happened?

Now you know Zoe Kravitz was put up for consideration a few months ago for keeping it fine. In fact, here is a quick reminder of what she’s working with.

OK, so the blank stare suggests she might have hit that booger sugar one too many times, but she’s still working with something. But then I was caught off guard. Zoe was recently caught out looking like this:

Aw damn. Is that the Tyrone Biggums version of Zoe Kravitz? She’s rocking the frohawk for real. I mean what is that? I think there is a hat involved in there somewhere, but I truly can’t tell. I know her momma’s got “good hair”, but that is no excuse to rock the combination straight, curly, slick it down on the left, spike it up on the right, Wolverine sideburns joint.

Now see, this is what happens when black chicks start hanging out with white kids and start really buying in. Zoe, did you just wake up and comb some water through your hair? You know you gotta break out the silk wrap at night, right? I know you don’t want to freak out your white boyfriend, but he’ll appreciate it when he doesn’t look like he is doing community service with crackheads.

Wait, there’s more.

Ok. That’s definitely a hat. I think this picture is even crazier. I’ll be damned if she still isn’t working with something in that stomach/thigh area though. I still see you Zoe. You are going to have to put in some really killer, Milian style bikini on the beach work before you make it back to the front page though mama.

I feel like Keenan Ivory Wayans in I’m Gonna Get You Sucka.

Don’t make me hop after you.

-Brock

What’s up with Tracy Morgan?

More proof to my theory that in order to be truly hilarious, like genius level, you have to actually be crazy. Like, on the brink, can’t function normally, got a screw loose, aint right, all wrong, self medicating, chemically imbalanced and just all together fucking loony kind of crazy.

We saw it with Martin Lawrence‘s crazy ass sitting in the middle of the LA Freeway in a plastic track suit with a bag of twizzlers and a .45, we saw it with Eddie picking up that he-she, getting Mel B. preggers and just generally having that weird ass look on his face that says “I aint right” ever since Boomerang, and of course we saw it from Dave Chappelle’s $50 million peace out/back to Africa tour. Now, we see a glimpse of it again. I ask you, what in the hell was Tracy Morgan doing? I guess the craziness is proportional with the funniness, so TM is only but so crazy.. See, if he had Richard Pryor’s skills, he would have been trying to hit ole girl when she leaned up on him.

– Lake

Drama in Real Life: Dude Calls 911 on Himself!

We usually cover national news, but sometimes regular people do things that are just too good to pass up. So Us Versus Them fan MRod, owner of this blog was apparently out Saturday night when he got faded on Red Bull and Vodka. When I say he got faded, I mean he got fuuuucked up. He has no idea what happened that night, but he apparently did a little self evaluation and decided it was time to call 911.

Here’s the best thing about that…How can you be so drunk that you think calling 911 from a cab is a good idea, yet still have enough control of yourself that you know that you are supposed to call 911 when there is a problem? What happened dog?

You want to know the best part? Remember how I said he blacked out and didn’t remember anything? Peep what he missed:

He was at the buck naked chick, take your shirt off and paint your boobs party?!?!? And he doesn’t remember a thing? I mean neither of the chicks in those pics are UvT quality, but a free peek is a free peek. Actually, the girl up top has that look in her eye that Lake can’t pass up. Ha!

It’s all good MRod, lay off those dranks and maybe next time you’ll have one of the buck naked chicks take you home so they can evaluate your medical condition next time. Oh, and if you ever get invited to one of those parties again, holla at cha boy!

-Brock

Kid Rock Gets Scattered, Smothered and Chunked in a Waffle House

Kid Rock was cruising through the ATL last weekend when he got into a fight in a Waffle House.   This breaks several of Brock’s Rules.  Rule #1: Never eat at a place that is open 24 hours a day.  There is no way for the place to ever get clean.  Rule #2: Never listen to the cat in your crew who wants something to eat at 5am.  Lake is gooooood for that bullshit.

Lake:  Hey mang, you hungry?

Brock:  Hell no.  I’m drunk and tired.

Lake:  You need to soak that up, let’s get some food mang.

First of all, that “soak it up” theory is terrible.  Second of all, there is not a person on earth that is happy about working the night shift serving your rowdy and loud, drunk, think all your jokes are funny, under tipping, smelling like liquor and cigarette smoke, and really drunk ass at 5am.

At this point, it usually means that you end up in an IHOP, but I’ll give Kid Rock some credit since the food at Waffle House is actually decent.  So Mr. Rock was ordering up his Waffle with hash browns scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, peppered, tomatered, old burnt grill caked, and whatever the hell else they do to them, with a large sweet tea (gotta have it), when a fan gave him some beef (not the steak and eggs meal from the menu…you know not to order steak at Waffle House, right?) and promptly got beat down by Kid Rock entourage and security team.

That’s gonna cost you some loot Kid.  Hopefully you got a few shots in so it was money well spent.

From the look of his mug shot, they let him finish the waffle before hauling him off to jail.  That’s the face of a full belly and professional mug shot taker right there.  A little bit of research shows this is his fourth time.  Let’s take a walk down memory lane, shall we?

Up top we have Kid Rock 2007, the seasoned vet.

Below we have a slightly less recent, a little skuzzier, a little more country version.

Bottom left we get the fresh faced kid, probably did a little time in juvi for that one.  My favorite is bottom right with the full on pube ‘stache and the only slightly concerned look on his face.

There is way too much smiling in all of these pics for me.  Never smile in the mug shot.  You are not happy to be there.  Even Backstreet Boy Nick Carter knew not to smile.

Oh that is straight Studio Gangster if I’ve ever seen it.  I mean, he’s trying, but that is the opposite of hard right there.  You can see it in his eyes.  You gotta at least try to go hard though.

Snoop knows whats up. I mean this cat has beads in his hair and he still keeps it real.  He doesn’t even look high, which I’m 98% positive he is.

Moral of the story?  Take your ass home after the club.

-Brock

Trick Daddy Arrested In Strip Club. No One Surprised

In breaking news, rapper Trick Daddy, AKA Trick Daddy Dollas, was arrested for getting rowdy in a strip club.  He doesn’t look like he’d cause any trouble in a room full of dollar bills and naked women, does he?

Anyway, apparently Trick bit off a little more than he can chew because he got his ass whooped and had to take his mug shot with a bloody nose and swollen eye.

You’d think a man who had “thug” in every album title he ever made would actually be able to hold his own in a fight.  Guess not.

Trick, next time just make it rain on em like Pac Man Jones.  Or better yet, how is this…don’t go to a strip club!  You have enough money and fame to have strippers come back to the crib for free.  Why do these cats still end up in the skrip wilin out?  Booty stops, drops, and pops the same in the crib as it does in the club.  Send pookie, ray ray ‘n dem down to the club with a G while you stay at home and let the strippers…errr….college students just doing this until their loan money comes in come to you.  What else is there?  You can’t be going for the food, decor, or to hang out with the other people who frequent strip clubs.

In fact, I’m starting a new support group for famous people.  If you are about to go to a strip club when you shouldn’t and catch an ass whoopin, call yo boy Brock.  I’ll throw on a tape of Nelly’s tip drill and whoop your ass in the privacy of your own home.  Lindsay Lohan wants to get drunk and total her $120,000 car?  Once again, I’m there.  I’ll bring the goose and take the car off her hands.  She may even get some bonus service.  Britney want to roll out with no draws?  I’ll be there with my time machine so it can be 2003 again, back when she was bad, and I will personally do the draws check for her.

Simply call 1-800-hollatchaboy and I’ve got your back.

-Brock