Yawn: The Worst MTV Video Music Awards Ever

Disclaimer:  Since this was the worst MTV VMAs I’ve ever seen, this is perhaps equally the worst post I’ve ever written.  And I’ll tell you why.  It’s really hard to write about something that is so boring, so terrible, just so damn wack.  I mean, it brings you down.  I tried to put a few decent observations, but honestly, this Z minus level show basically ruined my week.  But I wrote it live, so I feel compelled to post.  So here it goes, I can’t vouch for any of it.

So I was hoodwinked into watching these VMAs with the lady with the idea that I would get a chance to see a solid Britney Spears train wreck part deux.  Need I remind you of last year’s showing?

I mean, the cats kept hitting us with that “Britney is opening the VMAs” rhetoric, so I thought I’d be getting something I wanted.  But when they show opened up, it was literally just her walking in, taking her place at the podium and delivering one of the more uninspiring “welcome speeches” I’ve ever heard in my life.  I should have known at that very moment to turn the TV off and walk away.  Surprise, I didn’t.

Damn, on a positive note, is that old school, 2001 Britney?  Damn, I must say, I’m almost impressed, but it can never be like it was.

Damn, that shit is just crazy.  Britney was literally like a LeBron James level talent.  She was ridiculous!

Curses, suddenly I realized that these MTV fools done hit me with the bait and switch.  Here I am, thinking I’m about to see a Sarah Palin-esque, T&A “change” performance from Brit and then it happened.  Awww, some crazy ass Rihanna techno song I don’t like with some middle earth cretins stomping the yard and Rih Rih sitting on high with a 3 story ball gown.

And then right on cue, Rihanna starts showing me what I already knew:  That she’s literally the only chick of West Indian descent on record who cannot dance to save her life.

Then Dark Knight Joker meets Carrot Top came out to host the show.

Say what?  Who is this cat and why are his pants so tight?  The first thing I thought was, “oh, that’s that terrible Jesse cat from that ‘I want to be a vj’ contest back from the dead.”  Then he spoke and I immediately wondered if I was the only one who had finally gotten sick of hearing all these British accents.  Well, at least he kept it real with that “none of you know who I am”..  Ahh, honesty I can finally rally around.  And then homey started cutting into Bush and the Republicans with a bunch of one line zingers:

“I’m for Barack Obama…you recently elected that retarded cowboy fella.”

“In England, George Bush wouldn’t be trusted with a pair of scissors.”

“Use a condom or become a Republican.”

Damn, he’s half funny, like a Sacha Baron Cohen meets the trench coat mafia.  Anyway, to add to my misery, they then introduced some soft looking cats named the Jonas Brothers who had the nerve to start signing.

Who buys this trash?  And who in the hell are the Jonas Brothers?  Oh, the lady says that they’re just Hansen reinvented.  God, this is the worst VMAs ever.  I mean, the crowd is bored, the performers are terrible and even the presenters look disinterested.  So Jaime Foxx, realizing this, came out yelling “wake up, wake up.”  Dude, you know shit aint right when a cat has to tell people to wake up.  I haven’t seen a crowd this stunned since back at Duke when the Ques did the “Pussy Step” with three dudes (total!) at the step show…  You just had to be there, but trust me, it was so terrible that it was hilarious.

I know, I know, the Ques just like to go hard with the bruhs..  ahnt (I said it)

Anyway, so then they started in with “the best female video” and then the lady over in my easy chair made a great point, “why are these bad videos getting nominated for best video”?  And then Britney Spears won.  Say what?  I forgot that she had an album last year.  Then Britney went ahead and thanked God….Which immediately started to make me laugh and then the lady said, and I’m not kidding me, “hey, that’s an AA step”…Jeez.

Has it really come to that?  Thanking God to get off the goose?

Goodness, what a debacle this is.  Then Weezy came out and was fairly terrible.

Not really his fault, rap never does really translate well to a live format.  But he didn’t have to rock the tight sag with the full on drawls coming out the back.  Then Jordin Sparks came out looking like some kind of Extra Large Living Teddy Graham as she babbled about promise rings and being a slut.  Perfect.

Dude, John Legend looks scared.

Anyway, I can’t continue with this.  This was hands down the worst program I’ve ever seen on MTV.  Oh and they topped it off with Kanye’s outdoor contest where he sang, OFF KEY MIND YOU, for an entire song with some Beijing drummers and tight ass suit.

God it was awful.

1.  Dude, singing hooks is one thing, but YOU CAN’T ACTUALLY SING and nobody wants you to sing. Do hot beats, make tricky hooks and make us laughs occasionally.  Just because Andre 3000 sang on his album doesn’t mean you can.  In short, do what you do and stay in your lane.

2.  Please get that wig cut off. Homey aint got a head that can sustain a lot of hair, especially with that temple taper.

Boy, NOTHING went right tonight and in honor of that, I didn’t post shit.  Blame it on MTV…

– Lake

==========Update===========

To add insult to injury, Britney won THREE Moon Men.. THREE.

I mean, I know all awards are basically random and based on zero criteria, but what in the hell is wrong with videos generally, when Brit wins THREE awards for ONE SONG.  She’s not even a relevant artist at this point.  Goodness.  What a joke.

—————UPDATE—————–

I don’t know quite how we got there, but KIR in NV just said that the next time she sees Carrot Top in Vegas, she’s gonna ask him if he likes P-U Double Dolla Sign Y.  Hilarious.  The ladies of UvT really kill it.  Read the comments people!

Kanye is a ridiculous cat, part 2

Sorry, young Lake is somewhat out of commission right now, handling other bitniz, but I just had to throw this joint with Kanye freaking out up here after he took home exactly ZERO MTV Moon Men at the Video Music Awards.

Is this cat serious with this tantrum? Honestly, sometimes a cat just needs a stiff ass kicking and this is just one of those times. What a f*cking clown. Kanye, and I only say this because I like your work product, stop being a bitch. It does not look good on you.

Incidentally, what’s this I hear about Kanye’s fiancee having a full grown kid, but he’s wifing her? Maybe he should consult Shaq about taking on chicks with kids. Too much passion, not enough damn common sense. My advice, please lawyer up. Goodness.

– Lake

Lil Wayne ON FIRE at the VMAs

I’m not a big Fall Out Boy fan, in fact, I couldn’t name a single song of theirs if my life depended on it.

At least I couldn’t until yesterday. But now I feel like this song, “This Aint a Scene, it’s an Arms Race Remix“, is straight firah!!!! The live version of this song is a punk rock joint featuring Lil Wayne, Tyga and some cat who looks like the grimy love child of that crazy ass Billy Walsh from Entourage and Joakim Noah. No question, this cat:

Billy Walsh (the crazy director from Entourage)

PLUS a wild Joakim….

DEFINITELY gives you this wild cat:

…who “I’ve just been told” is some clown named “Travis” from the “Gym Class Heroes” which I will admit is a hot name for a band, but it goes without saying that I’m not impressed. Moreover, Weezy torched this cat.. I mean, really ripped it after his flow. WOW.

Sorry, but I must digress here…Just back to wild Joakim Noah..when I was looking for a picture of this cat, I unearthed this clip, something I had forgotten. But really doe, who could ever forget his act after that first National Championship:

I mean, I thought for a second that joint was sped up. That was not on fast forward, that cat really did all that in real-time speed.. Yo, run that joint back again.. It’s crazy!

Yo, this cat has some wild “teef” like an overworked vampire for hire with no dental plan or labor union in site. Isn’t his pops rich and famous? Go get yo’ shit fixed son!!!

At any rate, I saw a piece of that”This aint a Scene” joint on one of the breaks during the MTV VMAs last night and didn’t give it much thought. Again, the best music that night was all as they went to commercial break (which just shows how out of touch MTV is at this point, but whatev), but then a loyal reader in Boston sent me the hot clip. Anyway, if you love Weezy and can find it in your heart to enjoy a decent blend of rock/rap when the occasion calls for it, then this is right up your alley..

Let me attempt to post what I could draw from Weezy’s flow, I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, maybe it’s delivery.. But I love this sh*t:

I am your arms dealer

I’m more like an arm dealer

Litter-really

Really I don’t get this song neither

But I’m gonna figure it out like a palm reader

And since I be on tv

I turn it on to see me

I’m so cool even I wanna be me

But that was totally off the subject

But really who cares when you’re fresh like Dougie

Real long hair

Real long money

And I don’t even care because I’m strapped like a Mummy

Got the (w)rap like a Mummy

Never dress bummy

Paper just stacked, like a stat, like a tummy (ohhh)

You cross my line then you’re flat like a tummy

On the exercise, I don’t know I never tried it

I’m your Highness

Wayne’s world

I’m a fall out boy

Need a stand up girl

Weezy really is a rock star. Even in a room full of real rock cats he stole the show. I used to question Weezy’s versatility, but at this point I do believe Weezy can do anything. I mean, this cat should fly out to Italy to do a spot start for Pavarotti, then roll over to Afghanistan to find Bin Laden since obviously The Worst President Ever or as Weezy calls him, “Georgia Bush”, never will, then come back New Orleans to whip up that last batch of Purple Oil/Syzurp for this party I’m having over at TenJune up in NYC on Friday.

.

And ship that UPS Gold Priority Plus Homey, thanks.

– Lake

VMAs roundup: It’s Britney B*tch!

I don’t know, maybe I’m just getting old (ok, I know I am), but the VMAs was a disappointment for me this year.

First off, let me say that whoever had the idea to have it in Vegas at one hotel where you can rock multiple parties at once, GENIUS. That was hot and good luck to anyone who is trying to get into that party next year. That’s one ticket I wish I had. Second, Timbaland rocking the music for the entire production was really hot. It really took that aspect of the show to the next level, unfortunately, half the performances were never seen or were heard as they went to commercial. Hell, the jam sessions in the suites seemed better than all the main stage shows. As I was watching all these cats, I got a rejuvenated appreciation for Diddy and his show from back in the day when he rocked that “Pass the Courvoisier” extravaganza with Busta Rhymes and Pharrell. At any rate, the joint was eventful, so I’ll just hit the high and low-lights for my peoples.

1. “It’s Britney Bitch”

Wow, what can I say about this performance? It sure wasn’t that old Britney we all knew and loved.

Hey, let me preface my comments by saying that I actually want Britney to succeed as I know my man Brock does. I have a soft spot for her being that she was a pioneer in the “thick white woman era“, something I hold near and dear to my heart. So let me start with the positive, her new song, “Gimme More” isn’t horrible. It’s actually passable.

With said her performance reminded me of something you’d see in a bad Canadian strip club (Niagara Falls, Montreal or Toronto, take your pick).

(I did appreciate seeing this little greazy curly headed brother trying to get his K Fed on)

Based on her dance moves, if I didn’t know better I’d tell you that Britney can’t dance. I mean, the babe was just robotic, off-beat, uninspiring and overall just terrible dude.

(oh, that’s just not right)

And why did she have to come in buck eeerr butt naked? I know that’s her calling card, but we really didn’t need to see that. And while I know we’ve debated this point back in forth on this site, but Britney IS NOT BACK!!! That midsection is not in pre-K Fed form, and certainly not together enough to be rolled around the stage, showing that side view.

I just wish I could have watched the show next to Simon Cowell, you know he must have simple said: “ghastly” when he saw that foolishness.

Not a full on debacle, but that’s only because she had the good sense to fully lip-sync. She’s crazy, but she aint that crazy.

2. The Fight: Tommy Lee v. Kid Rock

Hey, it was pretty hilarious if you ask me. Of course they didn’t actually show the fight, but as Pam Anderson, the ex-wife of both rockers, was presenting an award she kept telling Tommy Lee to “shut up”. LOL At any rate, Jamie Foxx came back after a break and started talking crazy about “who won the fight”. Then later I guess he dropped a white-on-white violence jab. Hilarious stuff.

(this is Kid Rock before the VMAs last night, the cat is looking a little feral)

Well, apparently, Kid Rock didn’t like what he was hearing from young Thomas because the story goes, as told by Sway (the most annoying man in the world who claimed he “saw it all”), Kid Rock rolled up on Tommy and just “decked him” out of nowhere while Tommy was talking to Puff.. Hot.

Not matter what, Tommy didn’t seem to mind. Look at his face after the incident as security was talking him out of there. When asked if he was hurt, Tommy reported replied, “Hell no, everybody knows I can’t feel my face”.. figures.

I guess a bad lady like Pam Anderson, who can do the things I’ve seen err heard she’s done on her sex tape which is linked from HERE, will drive a man crazy.

3. Chris Brown getting his Charlie Chap/Michael Jackson on

Look, I won’t lie to you, I like Chris Brown. I think the dude either is crazy talented or he’s got some insane ghost writer (more likely both) and his current song Wall to Wall is hot. With that said, I wasn’t all that impressd with that performance. Again, I’ll borrow from Simon and say, predictable.

(come on, this looks like a high school musical)

You just knew that Chris would do something theatrical, then try a thrice done tribute to some old entertainer (MJ), then finally try to stick the landing with his own flavor. Ok, dude’s got talent, but that Charlie Chaplin foolishness was not hype. The Michael Jackson moves are always cool, but we see that same show each and every year by every single R&B dancing fool in the business. And that pelvis pump with the tight grip up on the nizzuts? Awful.

I mean, who knows, Genuwine, Usher, wild Timberlake, everybody does that foolishness. If you ask me, Chris Tucker is better than all of em doing the MJ.. but whatev.. Hey, Chris, here’s a novel idea, try SINGING during your performances for once. I’m tired of you lip syncing as you roll around on the ground, jump from pillar to post and gyrate all over the damn place. I want to actually hear you sing, for once, ok?

4. Alicia Keyes

I won’t spend much time on Keyes. Her voice was as impressive as ever. I just have to say, A. Stay at the piano, because you don’t move that well, B. Holler at one of those Hollywood diet/personal trainer combinations because it’s getting away from you around them hips, and C. stay off the weave, that 70’s throwback hairdo was not hot.

And yes, all that extra lettuce up in there IS DEFINITELY weave, I don’t care how pretty her normal hair is..

5. Dr. Dre MUST BE on Steroids, HGH, Ephedra, and some wild wolf blood or something. Did yall see that cat underneath that XXL sweat top?

My word, he literally looked like the Incredible Hulk. I guess homey got tired of hearing those threats from Suge Knight. I mean, look at what this cat looked like as a young man.

Overall, Timbo made the joint fresh and new. I liked how Justin Timberlake made mention of the fact that MTV never shows videos anymore, hell, I barely knew half the nominees. Vegas was innovative, but I guess whatever lackluster feeling I’m having is the same one Kanye had when he said, “I ask, does anybody make real shit anymore?” I don’t know. Forget Hip Hop, music might be dead…

– Lake