Mel B: The child is bloody ‘is. He’s a wanka for denying me baby!!
Eddie: I don’t know who baby that iz ‘Murry’. It’s too light, that’s not my hairline and I don’t make no little girls, everybody knows that.
Maury: The results are in! When it comes to 2 month old Angel Iris MURPHY Brown, Eddie, you ARE the father….
Mel B: I tole you, I tole you… now whut..whut fool, whut!!!
He’s the father!!!! He’s the FATHER!!!! Hallelujah! Maaaayne, truth be told, other than soon to be paid Melanie Brown, nobody was more happy to find out Eddie a. wanted to take a shot and then b. actually was able to score on goal, than us. I mean, let’s face it, Eddie has been on not so DowLow gay watch for about 10 years now. That’s not something you just walk off like a charlie horse either. Consider the evidence:
Exhibit A – Suspect photo ops
Eddie’s album cover for a version of his hilarious album, Comedian, nuff said.
Exhibit B – Shady comedic content
Call it a Dave Chappelle, R Kelly Piss on you moment, but anyone who is a fan of Eddie and his comedy would have seen this gay thing coming like we did. Look at his jokes. Incessant gay parodies of Mr. T, the Honeymooners and Jacko, all kinds of extra talk about “f*ggots” looking at his arse, all too convincing mimicry of gay mannerisms in Beverly Hills Cop and those tight leather outfits? Come on, the list goes on and on.
Exhibit C – Jacko affiliation
Look, at this point, any affliliation with crazy ass MJ is a little freaky. We’ll let Eddie slide with his “party all the time” stint with the superfreak Rick James, but we just can’t overlook Micheal. Sorry Ed, but this one sticks to you.
Exhibit D – Ridin’ Dirty
In 1997 Eddie got pulled over in Santa Monica, CA for ridin’ dirty with a transvestite male prostitute named “Shalimar” in his ride. Eddie says this about the incident:
“I love my wife and I’m not gay. I’m married with three children. I’m not going to be out there screwing hookers off the street or anything like that. I’m just being a nice guy… I was being a good Samaritan. It’s not the first hooker I’ve helped out. I’ve seen hookers on corners… and I’ll pull over… and they’ll go, ‘Oh you’re Eddie Murphy, oh my God,’ and I’ll empty my wallet out to help.“
The grown ass man in Eddie’s car named Atisone Suilei was arrested and Eddie was let go. He said it was all a big misunderstanding even though the area he found the “chick” in was known for transvestites… Sure you’re not a homosexual (only true Eddie fans know that line).
Exhibit E – Uncomfortable Bro-mance with Johnny Gill
According to Johnny’s ex lady, Eddie and Johnny’s relationship was a little too much for her to handle:
“Johnny and I broke up earlier this year after I became curious about his friendship/relationship with actor/comedian Eddie Murphy,” she said. “Johnny and Eddie have always been very close friends, but I could not compete with their relationship. It was strange…I can’t even explain it.”
Neither can we.. Terrible.
All in all, we’re happy Eddie is officially having sex with women. If nothing else, that at least puts him into the bi catagory, which we’re sad to say, is an improvement after Eddie and his fine wife split in the wake of Exhibits A through E. Now we can trust that Tracey Edmonds relationship we’ve been seeing.
Good to have you back Ed. You’re a funny muthaf*cka.