Archive for June, 2007

A Brand new Caucablanasian

June 30, 2007

Tiger Woods welcomed his new baby into the world.

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Hey Eldrich, you can add as much Silky Headed “Cauc” into your Cablanasian as you want. But your daughter is still gonna be a sister. Cute kid though, hopefully her natural lays down and hold those waves a bit tighter than yours. She definitely has your hairline though. You may have to go to the forced baldy soon. Agassi did it have had a resurgence in his career. I mean Big Black’s hightop fade wig from Rob & Big is looking tighter than yours right now.

-Brock

Kardashian’s ass is out of control

June 30, 2007

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I mean that is crazy. I don’t have anything else to say.

-Brock

Superthick

June 27, 2007

The fellas here at Us Versus Them don’t like to make broad generalizations, but when we see trends we like to point them out. I’ve seen a new one and need to bring it to everyone’s attention. Now usually this occurs during the winter, when people are all wrapped up and you can get away with the extra chili on the fries. It is the beginning of summer and people need to keep their game tight.

Exhibit 1:

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Ms. Kelly Clarkson. She was one of the inaugural admittees into the thick white chick hall of fame with her soaking wet performance of “Since you been gone” a few years ago. Now she is muffin toppin’ up out of those tight jeans. She is doing her angle work on the right to try to keep it tight, but Lake isn’t going to like seeing one of his favorites go out like this.

Exhibit 2:

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Lil Kim at the BET Awards last night. This actually isn’t a bad picture if you saw it live, it was actually much worse than what was here. Just because you pull the shirt down enough and the pants up high enough to create a flat part of your stomach, it doesn’t mean it is flat babydoll. You still nasty though, I’ll just remember the XXL cover a few years back when I think about you.

-Brock

Bow Wow…Official Midget Status?

June 27, 2007

I know that he is all grown up now…he dropped the “lil”, he was cutting Ciara (clearly he learned something from Jermaine Dupri from the book of “pimpin outside of your league”), and he even almost curses in a few songs. But then I saw this picture:

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Now I’ve seen JD in real life. He was with the Brat, who never wears heels and she had him by about four inches. I mean we know Janet is about 4’10” and she towers over him here.

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The man can’t be taller than 5 feet. This cat Bow Wow is standing on the table, and is fully in the frame and doesn’t look completely ridiculous. If I was standing on the table in this picture, the only thing you would see in the frame is Lil Brock. I mean, those shorts he has on can’t be from the man section of the store. Where he shops, the clothes are still listed by age, and the only three sizes are “slim, regular, and husky”.

This was a kid who used to say he would play professional basketball if he wasn’t rapping. I guess he got confused with the difference between acting and real life and he is waiting for magic shoes and the kid from Jerry Maguire to show up and help him out. I really feel bad for him since his former rival Lil Romeo is now six feet tall and got recruited to a resurgent USC basketball program.

Damn Bow, I felt for you, so I made an advance call to Gary Coleman and Webster to ask them to leave to door to the lil man club open for you.

-Brock

What’s wrong with this picture?

June 25, 2007

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Supposedly the Right Reverend Jesse Jackson was arrested at a gun shop protest in Chicago on Saturday. I guess the Reb was trying to make a statement about the gun industry’s complicity in the urban violence epidemic. Sure, I can buy that, but what in the hell is he doing cheesing with studio gangster 50 cent??? WTF? I mean, aside from a game recognize game, “I make it rain on these hoes” ethic both men seem to operate under, I can’t really see the connection AND 50 and his ilk are at a minimum blame worthy for their promotion of violence and general ignance. Jesse, seriously, you haven’t been responsible since MLK died on that balcony. You haven’t been relevant since you ‘ran’ for President back in 1984 and haven’t looked right since the days of the dashiki.

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In all honesty, if you are going to just show up for photo ops and try to make loot off the struggle, just go the way of Creflo Dollar and Kurt Franklin, ie. openly pimping and exploiting people who are too stupid or too gullible or BOTH to know they are throwing their hard earned lootchy out the window. If I’m not mistaken, the Rev. Ed D. Cash and Rev. Pathos talked about this before… like to here it go.

– Lakey

Eddie’s paternity test results are in!!!

June 25, 2007

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Mel B: The child is bloody ‘is. He’s a wanka for denying me baby!!

Eddie: I don’t know who baby that iz ‘Murry’. It’s too light, that’s not my hairline and I don’t make no little girls, everybody knows that.

Maury: The results are in! When it comes to 2 month old Angel Iris MURPHY Brown, Eddie, you ARE the father….

Mel B: I tole you, I tole you… now whut..whut fool, whut!!!

He’s the father!!!! He’s the FATHER!!!! Hallelujah! Maaaayne, truth be told, other than soon to be paid Melanie Brown, nobody was more happy to find out Eddie a. wanted to take a shot and then b. actually was able to score on goal, than us. I mean, let’s face it, Eddie has been on not so DowLow gay watch for about 10 years now. That’s not something you just walk off like a charlie horse either. Consider the evidence:

Exhibit A – Suspect photo ops

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Eddie’s album cover for a version of his hilarious album, Comedian, nuff said.

Exhibit B – Shady comedic content

Call it a Dave Chappelle, R Kelly Piss on you moment, but anyone who is a fan of Eddie and his comedy would have seen this gay thing coming like we did. Look at his jokes. Incessant gay parodies of Mr. T, the Honeymooners and Jacko, all kinds of extra talk about “f*ggots” looking at his arse, all too convincing mimicry of gay mannerisms in Beverly Hills Cop and those tight leather outfits? Come on, the list goes on and on.

Exhibit C – Jacko affiliation

Look, at this point, any affliliation with crazy ass MJ is a little freaky. We’ll let Eddie slide with his “party all the time” stint with the superfreak Rick James, but we just can’t overlook Micheal. Sorry Ed, but this one sticks to you.

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Exhibit D – Ridin’ Dirty

In 1997 Eddie got pulled over in Santa Monica, CA for ridin’ dirty with a transvestite male prostitute named “Shalimar” in his ride. Eddie says this about the incident:

I love my wife and I’m not gay. I’m married with three children. I’m not going to be out there screwing hookers off the street or anything like that. I’m just being a nice guy… I was being a good Samaritan. It’s not the first hooker I’ve helped out. I’ve seen hookers on corners… and I’ll pull over… and they’ll go, ‘Oh you’re Eddie Murphy, oh my God,’ and I’ll empty my wallet out to help.

The grown ass man in Eddie’s car named Atisone Suilei was arrested and Eddie was let go. He said it was all a big misunderstanding even though the area he found the “chick” in was known for transvestites… Sure you’re not a homosexual (only true Eddie fans know that line).

Exhibit E – Uncomfortable Bro-mance with Johnny Gill
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According to Johnny’s ex lady, Eddie and Johnny’s relationship was a little too much for her to handle:

“Johnny and I broke up earlier this year after I became curious about his friendship/relationship with actor/comedian Eddie Murphy,” she said. “Johnny and Eddie have always been very close friends, but I could not compete with their relationship. It was strange…I can’t even explain it.

Neither can we.. Terrible.

All in all, we’re happy Eddie is officially having sex with women. If nothing else, that at least puts him into the bi catagory, which we’re sad to say, is an improvement after Eddie and his fine wife split in the wake of Exhibits A through E. Now we can trust that Tracey Edmonds relationship we’ve been seeing.

Good to have you back Ed. You’re a funny muthaf*cka.

Gym teacher redefines ‘running h*oes’

June 25, 2007

This story barely moves us enough to post on it, but there is something about it that just forces me to comment. We know you heard about this 40 year old North Carolina gym teacher, Brenton Wuchae banging out this 16 year old track athlete, Windy Hagar, which is pretty crazy, right, but not all that uncommon. But this cat pulled the ultimate okie doke and avoided prosecution by MARRYING the chick! Nice move. Reports say their relationship started when she was 14. Nice!

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It’s as genius as it is maniacal. Imagine, you’re a sexual predator, you’ve done the unthinkable, ie. allowed one of those evil thoughts that occasionally pop into our heads from time to time to actually become a reality, in this case, “I’m going to really bang out that hot 14 year old galloping filly over there.” Ok, so you’re a monster and you know it AND now you’re hitting it. And of course, since you’re 40, it’s the best you’ve ever had. I mean, let’s keep it real, that’s all this can be about right? Then her parents find out. How do I know they found out, oh, the parents of the year told me so.. Listen to what her mom had to say:

“Our family has come and tried to talk to her. We’ve had people on the phone with her for hours — family, friends. We’ve been to our pastor asking for guidance. We’ve been to his pastor.”

Let me get this straight, a grown ass man of 40 years is having sex with your 14-16 year old daughter. He’s 40 and her teacher, she’s 16 and all you can think of is to go to some pastors? Why not go to your local gun shop, speak to the Right Reverend Smith and then consult with Deacon Wesson so this can be properly handled.

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These people must be parents of the year. With such strong parental figures at home, however could she have gone so wrong? Odd. Hmm, and what could they do to completely F this thing up even more, oh yes, they signed consent forms to legitimize the sexual assault of their daughter. And before someone tells me the age of consent in NC is 16, let me repeat, their ‘relationship’ started when she was 14 years old homies. Genius. I’m sure the Wuchaes will have a long and happy marriage. After all, what could ever go wrong?

4Real Doe

June 24, 2007

When I first saw this story, I just knew the byline would be from the south side of Chicago. A baby is born and their parents want to name the child “4Real”. Black people, you know what this feels like, when you hear certain stories, you pray that the people aren’t Black…but sometimes you just know they are. Basketball player with eight kids, Shawn Kemp-brother; Someone stung in the BALCO case under the codename “Evan Fields“, Evander Holyfield-brother; Okay, I admit it, the DC sniper threw me off, I thought that was a white boy all the way.

But to my pleasant surprise, the story is out of New Zealand, and there aren’t any brothers down there. Still I needed photographic evidence. Finally, I got this:

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Thank God. I like the custom shirt little man has on though. The hospital said that you aren’t allowed to start names with numbers. I guess they saved him a little by dropping the 4, but the kid is still named Real, which means he shares names with this dude.

-Brock

Report: Reade Seligmann seeking indigent skrippers in Providence for NEXT payday

June 19, 2007

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Look, we talked about this before and we here at U v. T actually liked Reade Seligmann and wished him well at Brown University. If you recall, he said this about his departure to Brown.

“I appreciate the support and loyalty of my teammates and coaches at Duke….I will miss them. I know that they will understand why I cannot return to Duke. I have been proud to be a part of their team, and I am grateful for the support they have given to me over the past year.”

Yeah player, we understand. Typically when you take part and figure prominently in f&cking over an entire city, University community, and thousands of Alumni and get paid for of it, you may not want to roll on back through SAE for a brewski with Jurgens and Schultzy for sh*ts and kicks.

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Don’t get us wrong, Reade isn’t a monster, he just gets paid like one and doesn’t mind holding Duke over a barrel and collecting for a tidy year’s work of tear-jerking, power tripping and hitting the 60 Minutes talk show circuit like he’s running for Governor or something. And let’s not act like this is Duke giving a mea culpa…nah, it’s a, “this sh*t is a nightmare, so let’s break these crumb snatchers off with a little cheese”. But at least he’s not as bad as fellow paymates Colin “the Garden City thug” Finnerty or the righteously indignant, savior of truthiness, justice and the privileged way — David “Square jaw, sponge pants” Evans who actually threw the party.

Indeed, dude was a probably good guy caught up in a bad situation because of the actions and inactions of his coach (who is also getting paid), captains, teammates, an overzealous prosecutor (who happens to be a Tar heel, no shocker there) and the media run amok. Still, Duke ends up paying Reade (and each of the other two idiots) a reported $4 million (he sought $8 million) for his trouble??? Why? Duke didn’t call up those strippers. Duke didn’t attempt to insert a broom up a chick’s arse and Duke certainly didn’t shout out racial slurs in the open air, right across the street from East Campus. I can hear you now…

“But Reade did none of those things Lake”

Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. But I don’t see him or his teammates taking the high road and exposing the people who did. The whole situation was unfortunate, but when you start banking millions of dollars because of some bullsh*t that you and your boys did?

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That’s when I part ways with you. These guys are amazing. They f*ck up as a collective, the sh*t goes horribly wrong, and now you’ve got Reade on tv crying like a beeyotch about how he felt when stripper picked him out of a picture lineup? Tony Soprano said it best when he had a similar conversation with Chrissy at his grille, “so what, deal with it…show some balls!

Reade, you are a thief. You robbed Duke with a gun.

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The only reason why you got over is because nobody from Duke wants to deal with the mess you and your boys made. You cats should own it instead of pointing the finger all over the place. Enjoy the $4 Million son. Perhaps you could buy a strip club in Providence, get someone else to sexually assault and/or humiliate one of your skrippers, have her falsely accuse you (then PAY HER OFF, allegedly) and then you can screw Brown for another $4 million or so. Hell, this might be a hot business model for Dave Evans to pitch to his bosses over at the bank. One thing I know for sure, if you’re ever having a party with hoes, racism and $4 million at the end of the rainbow, call me, I’m all in bro.

Pacman at it Again

June 18, 2007

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Is this cat serious? In a bizarre twist, Blinky aka the Po-lice are seeking Adam “Pacman” Jones for questioning in a shooting….AGAIN. Supposedly the Pac Mayne took time off from eating round, pearl-like spheres to give this comment:

F&ck the Po-lice

Damn homey, in ’06 you were the man homey, what the F8ck happened to you? Developing