Archive for the ‘Dumbization of America’ Category

This is Why Bush Got Re-Elected

July 3, 2008

America is the greatest country on earth, right? Yeah, this is your country…

Honestly, is there anyone on that show America’s Got Talent who actually has any talent? My dog has more talent than that entire judging panel and those guests. Just terrible dude.

– Lake

Dumbization of America V: Thong Bandits

June 3, 2008

We all know that most criminals aren’t geniuses. Ocean’s 11 makes crime look glamorous. In reality, most crime isn’t very predictable, isn’t very well planned out, and if it involves a gun and wearing a mask, it probably isn’t worth it. Not that I know from experience, I’m just saying. Sometimes you come across a plan that you just know was fueled by weed and funyuns. This is one of those times.

They thought it would be hilaaaaarious to rob a convenience store with only thongs covering their face…hopefully new. Don’t they know that Michael Jackson has been rocking this look for years? These guys weren’t slick at all. They were all over the store, 65% of their face is uncovered.

I know all guys love thongs, but they are best for accenting the butt cheeks, not so good for robbery. You might have wanted to go with a boyshort, or even a bikini if you really wanted to push it.

Even this little kid knows you need more coverage. See, even tighty whiteys would have done a better job. By going with the thong they just injected so much stupid into the world that it is going to affect everything. For instance, if these guys voluntarily put women’s underwear on their face, is this still torture?

Yeah, probably. Although, after I discovered the guy who really means it when he says “junk in the trunk”, there are probably guys who pay to be treated like this every weekend.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not philosophically against using underwear as a disguise. In fact, I’m all for just have to be smart about it. If they really didn’t want to be discovered, they should have broken out a pair of these.

That way the police sketch would have turned out looking like this.

That way you throw them off the path. You’re never getting caught. See, you gotta think these things through.


E.V.O.Oops: Rachel Ray leads the Jihad

May 30, 2008

Everyones favorite annoying cook stirred up a little controversy, or should I say her stylist stirred up some controversy when she got a little too edgy in a dunkin donuts ad.

Come on people.  Rachel is just trying to sell some Iced Latte.  She thought the little scarf with the strings was super-duper, yum-o or one of her other annoying little catch phrases.  The controversy is that little stringy scarf is a keffiyeh, the scarf worn by some jihadist terrorists.

Is it really that deep?  They made Dunkin Donuts rip their little add down.  Do you think Rachel Ray is packing a bomb in that latte?  Even Yasir Arafat thinks that is ridiculous.

We’ll if this is no longer cool there are suddenly thousands of wannabe hipsters in New York that suddenly ain’t got shit to wear this weekend.  Somebody tell Chris Brown.

And tell Colin Farrell

I guess the mainstream media just found this trend.  Trust me, by time a fashion trend makes the cut in a Dunkin Donuts ad with Rachel Ray, it is officially over.  Anyway, if Rachel Ray is interested in giving people some extracurricular activities, she needs to get back to hitting people with this.

Now that is a statement I can support.


2 Idiots + 2 Tasers=1 Act of Idiocy

May 20, 2008

You know we love tasers here at UvT. But this one takes the cake. Two guys were fighting over a parking spot in Colorado and both were strapped with tasers and unloaded on each other. I’ve been spoiled by the youtube era because I want video of this immediately. Don’t you just assume that when you hear a story like this there will at least be a shaky camera phone account of the incident. I’d pay to see this one. These guys could have really been in trouble. Doesn’t electric shock make your muscles tense up? They could have been stuck in an endless loop of stupidity.

Well, since I don’t have actual video of the incident, I’ll just run some random videos of people being tasered. Always great.

That was good, but not as good as “cop tasers himself”.

Is the action of using a taser on someone to tase?  or taser?  Is a taser an object that tases?  “Don’t tase me bro” implies that there is a verb “tase”.  Is it a brand name like “google” that has just been turned into a verb and we are really talking about an electro muscular disruption technology?  I can see I’ve overanalyzed this.  I just looked up tase in the dictionary, it’s not there.  Bye-bye five minutes of life…I’ll miss you.


HillBilly Triumphs in West Virginia!

May 14, 2008

(For post theme music, click HERE)

It’s not like we didn’t expect this to happen, but the born again beer drankin’, tobaccy chewin’, tractor drivin’, muskrat and raccoon broilin’ man errr wo-man of the people New Day HillBilly C won in West Virginia by HUGE margins today.

It’s funny how some of these pundits are characterizing Obama’s loss in West Virginia as a “weakness”. Right, like a black dude was ever going to get that ignant hick vote anyway. If by “highlighting his weakness” they mean remaining African American, then yes, the loss in West Virginia highlights a weakness he shares with roughly 15% of the American population. Thanks for that information.

It’s a nice win for HillBilly C and yet another hilarious step in her full transformation from out of touch “elite” of Wellesley College and Yale Law School to a dumbed down “Hil-ry” the barely literate, tobaccy spittin’ cable gal from the sticks.

Yeeeeeeeee Haaaaaaaaw! Winning states that matter not iz soooo fun. Git er dun. Oh and you know I just couldn’t resist hooking up the sole best feature of West Virginia. Dasrite (ha) “Country Roads Take Me Home” the West Va. anthem must run now.

It really is a great song though. “Misty taste of moonshine, teardrop in my eye” indeed.

– Lake

Dumbization of America IV: Everyone Gets to Cut the Bride

January 8, 2008

Chidi Ogbuta decided to go all out for her wedding when she thought it should be designed to look just like her.


That’s Crazy. She even knew how she was going to get her hair “did” for the occasion. You know those moments when you hear a story and you hope the people aren’t your race/related to you/anyone you know/didn’t go to your college. We’ll I’m having one of those moments.

Respect to the cake makers though. They really got old girl down on that one. Now I don’t normally eat cake, but if someone dropped an ass cheek in front of me, I’d have to at least taste it. One last question…

Is it chocolate?


P.S. – For those of you who don’t get the title, “cut” is ATL-based African-American vernacular for having sex. It’s a double entendre people!

“How you ain’t gonna cut, girl I’m me! I’m the got damn reason you in VIP.” – Ludacris

Oops he did it again: Worst President EVER!

December 5, 2007

Is anyone shocked that Dubyah with his “Git er dun” approach to foriegn policy and intelligence gathering, would get yet ANOTHER claim of weapons capability wrong?


I mean, honestly, would you trust this cat to run your summer lemonade stand? But yet yall voted for the fool…TWICE. At any rate, add this to his list of blunders that have made the United States look ridiculous and yes, if you’re scoring at home Iran continues to get over on the US. I mean, who do they have running that ship over there, Jim Tressel?

Meanwhile, what is this, like the 3rd or 4th time the Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, got the best of good ole W? Nice work, now he’s claiming victory over the US. People keep saying he’s crazy, he aint crazy, he just knows who he’s dealing with.


Now you see why our so called sworn enemy is walking around NYC, running some smack at Columbia, trying to go see ground zero for a photo op, and continuously rocking that wild members only inspired jacket piece with that cheschire cat grin on his face.


As always, great work by W, his band of flunkies and the entire GOP membership that let them all get away with it.

– Lake

Playground Style Justice: A Judge Flips a Coin to Decide a Case

November 7, 2007


A judge in Virginia was hearing a custody case and thought it would be a good idea to see who got the kid for Christmas this year by flipping a coin. He promptly got fired behind that one.

Nice. Way to uphold the legal profession on that one. That gives judges about the same level of trust as bribe taking referees, dirty cops, and old school mob “insurance” salesmen. Seriously though, the legal system can definitely seem like pure alchemy to the general public but this is just embarrassing. Judges make decisions based on fairness and the evidence in front of them. This cat basically showed that he didn’t give a damn how it turned out. Who did this cat think he was? Was he about to break out eeny, meenie, miney, moe? One Potato, Two Potato? Make them take a shot from the three point line? Rock, Paper, Scissors? He’s talking about a child and custody here. He deserves to get kicked off of the bench.

What an idiot.


Dumbization of America III: Ellen is Doggone Crazy

October 19, 2007

You dog lovers have gone too damn far. I know who you are too. Those let your dog lick you in the mouth, (even little man in the back knows that ain’t right) let your dog jump on guests talking about “oh he likes you!’, talk about your dog like they are one of your kids, people. Here is what I do when I run into one of these people’s dogs.


Anyway, for those who haven’t heard, here is Ellen Degeneres on her show a few days ago:

Talking about how she can’t act like she’s happy and make jokes because she is so upset about some dog that she adopted. She is seriously crying, for real. It is really terrible.

I don’t know where you work, but I can’t just walk into my job and shut it down. Sure, if there was a death in the family, or you are sick or injured…sure you might get some leeway. If you get your shelter dog repossessed? Oh hail naw, that isn’t flying. That gets your ass fired from a real job.

So here’s what happens next, loyal Ellen fans start calling the woman who owns the animal shelter and start calling in death threats. By the way, the shelter is set up to actually protect animals. Either keep them off the streets and find them safe homes, or try to put them down humanely so they don’t live a hard life. So let’s see if I get this right, Ellen doesn’t get to give her dog away, so let’s kill the woman that made the decision. I know you PETA people are feeling yourselves after ruining Michael Vick’s career for no good reason, but this is getting out of hand.

Hell I half blame the owner of the shelter too. How can you take yourself so seriously that you went and dog-jacked the puppy back from Ellen’s hairdresser? Can I get a little common sense applied to that rulebook? I know your everyday job is a little more about compassion and scooping up shit than it is complex problem solving, but this can’t be worth it.

I don’t get it. Lake, can you help a brother out? Why do white people love dogs so much?

That’s just nasty.



Ellen took the rest of the week OFF! She said she needed a long weekend to recover. Aren’t there bigger issues going on in the world? Hell, there should be bigger issues going on in her life. That’s just crazy.


Yo, I had heard about this nonsense but seeing that video really seals it.  I guess we should have known Ellen was crazy ass all hell, all comedian are… that’s why they’re so funny.  On the real, find me one normal comedian and I’ll show you an unfunny mufucka… By the way, speaking of unfunny, why is Dane Cook famous?  Anyway, you know Lake is like a modern day Beast Master and because of that I can say that Ellen is a full on idiot.  She’s got a platform to raise social awareness, be funny and generally entertain, but instead chick comes on and starts blubbering about how she botched a dog rescue?  Shed tears for people in poverty, folks in NO or all the cats who are getting their legs blown off thanks to Dubyah and these idiot Republicans, don’t cry for Fido just because he’s kicking it with a family you happen to not know.  Terrible.

Dumbization of America II: Come on Maine!

September 10, 2007

A grocery store in Maine carded a 65 year old woman who was trying to buy wine with no ID.


Apparently, they thought she might be part of a scheme to help underage drinkers by being their liquor mule and smuggling the hooch out of the local Stop & Shop. Yeah… I don’t know how they get down in Maine, but underage kids are generally trying to score a twenty dollar bottle of Merlot when they are trying to get a buzz on the weekend. They are usually looking to get a pack of camels, a bottle of Vodka in a plastic bottle, and a 30 can “bonus” case of the Beast. And most people don’t target 65 year-old women, they usually look for these guys. Or even this guy who invariably ends up being this guy or worse, THIS GUY (aaaaaaaaaaw why).

Store proprietors of Maine. Common sense, it is your friend.