Thick Sorta-Rican, Likely Asian Woman: Tila Tequila Got Ass?

You know we try to keep an eye out for unexpected arse and thickness.  I mean, sometimes it just jumps up out of nowhere.  Remember the Badu sightings of ’07?

Ahhh, yes, it’s like where were you on 9/11.  Discovery of dat ass was truly a defining moment for me and I remember it well.  Honestly, just for context, look at what that clown mirror ass looks like from the side, found below, and just ask yourself what the composition of that tail must be like up close and personal.

Seriously, ponder that.  HARD STOP.

Moving on.  What about that thing that jumped up and attached itself to Angela Simmons?

That was so crazy that the only supporting evidence we could find to verify its legitimacy was the fact that Bow Wow was supposedly hitting.  Well, here’s another one.  Peep Tila Tequila’s act:

Say what?  What the farg am I looking at?  Oh wait now, I’mma need me an angle two on that!

Daaaaaayum.  Tila is thicker than a mug!  Had I known this I wouldn’t have stood still while she hooked up that “I kissed a girl and I liked it, taste of her cherry chap stick” special on her show.  Sheeeit, I like this.  Let’s go ahead and just make this an “All Tila’s Undiscovered Ass” kinda day:

Saaaaay whuuuuud?!  Damn, what three inches of rotation can do!  Blasted cameramen!  Curse-ed Lycra!  Now see.  Let that be a lesson to you budding Assologists out there.  My grandpappy warned me of fools tail like this.  He said, “Boy, believe half of what you see and this chick here!!!”  Or something like that.  Stuck with me to this day.  Oh well, at least we’ll always have those Tila NSFW pics.  Peace.

– Lake

Top Ten Hollywood Breasts List…YES!

Hey, I didn’t come up with this list but I’m happy to discuss it. You know, as I look down at this InTouch Weekly “Best Hollywood Tits” list, I’m actually kind of embarrassed that I know all these broads. Ahh, who am I kidding, let’s get going on this here list. Now remember, this is the list according to InTouch Weekly.. Not us. But we have plenty to say.

1. Jessica Simpson

Yep, the top titty goes to Jessica Simpson. Wouldn’t have been my choice, but I can live with it.

After all, even her pops said that her ridiculous J’s were top notch.

Now you know you’ve got some serious tittay when pops is peeping them on the slide.

2. Tyra Banks

Say what? Now I know Tyra’s got giant J’s, but does she really belong inside the top three of ALL the breast tah sis in Hollywood?

Sure, her fundamentals are sound and she used to have the rest of the body to go with it. But this is a current J list, not a historical retrospective. The classic Janet song “What Have You Done For Me Lately” seems to come to mind. Answer?

Not enough. Not even close.

3. Scarlett Johansson

Ummmm, HELL YES!!! I’m not sure how it’s possible, but I think this chick is underrated across the board. Maybe it’s the lack of a nude photo shoot and sex tape. Hopefully someone can remedy that. But on the boobs front, she’s LOVELY.

Gotta run that one more gin.

4. Carmen Electra

Huh? Is she even in show business anymore? Why not Pamela Anderson? Hell, Loni Anderson.

And maybe it’s just me, but shouldn’t there be a reasonable expectation that the boobs are actually real if you’re going to call them the 4th best set in all of Hollywood? At least pic a chick with a debate, like Kimmy K…. With Carmen, she’ll tell you her joints are fake. Nah, I can’t support that.

5. Lindsay Lohan

Again, anyone who knows this blog understands my affection for Lindsay Lohan.

She’s one of my favorite celebs and yes, those ridiculous J’s have something to do with it.

On the J front, Lindsay has it all and we’ve seen it all.

You can’t hate, not on this discussion. Definitely underrated and waaaaay under appreciated. Her breasts I mean…lol.

6. Katherine Heigl

I recognize that this near no talent chick would be nothing without the superior boobs, but I just don’t like this broad.

That’s right, I don’t like her, can’t stand that character “Izzy” or whatever it is on Grey’s Anatomy and just can’t get past all the bullshit, yes, even for a pair of advanced J’s like those.

She doesn’t even make my list. Terrible. Though she does look reaaaaaally good in this next pic.

Mercy!

7. Audrina Patridge

Whaaat? You don’t mean to tell me we all feel for that completely transparent “I did some nudes back in the day and now they will be released the day before my show so please make me a star” treatment?

You bet we did. And please note how much she has truly stepped up that belly game. Wow. This babe is everywhere right now. If she had a shred of talent she’d really have something too. Though, I must say, having the nude pictures of her to refer back to whenever I see her looking right in a magazine or online is a nice luxury.

8. Jennifer Aniston

Come on now. Jennifer aint been hot since Ross was hittin’. Again, just too old, too romantic comedy. It’s just not right. Sure she’s got some J’s (NSFW), she wouldn’t be in the business if she didn’t.

But come on. She does not have some of the best tits in all of Hollywood. But these NSFW of Aniston are worth a peep. Half the time she doesn’t even have the best tits in her own relationship. She’s literally not in the same conversation with these other babes. Horrible.

9. Megan Fox

Ah, I don’t buy it. This seems very political. I do like that she stands for the fact that a chick doesn’t have to have monster boobs for them to be sexy, but this chick is not a top flight titty talent.

I mean, come on. She doesn’t have the chops and never will until she orders that full upgrade. Right? She’s got average J’s just for a regular girl, but in Hollywood, she’s squarely below average. Hell, most of the regular women walk around with better ones than that. Not even close.

10. Beyonce

Huh? Did I miss something? I don’t know, maybe B’s tittays wrote the lyrics to “Upgrade”…wait no, that was Jay Z. Curses. I hate to do this because I like Beyonce a lot. But she has no damn business on this list.

I think she’s beautiful, but if you forced me to diss her, right after I spoke on that assortment of unacceptable weaves, I’d go right to the breasts. I mean, she’s keeping it real and natural as she should and she looks damn good chest and all.

So there you have it. Are you satisfied? I’m not. I mean, where was Kim Kardashian, Halle Berry, JESSICA BIEL, hell, Mel B., Gisele….I mean, the list goes on and on. Sorry, I can’t endorse this list period. Let me give you my list.

1. Lindsay Lohan

2. Scarlett Johansson

3. Jessica Simpson

4. Kim Kardashian

5. Salma Hayek

6. Jessica Biel

7. Katherine Heigl (what can I say, that pic is still in my head)

8. Halle Berry

9. Mel B.

10. Audrina Patridge (hey, she’s already been mentioned, what could I do?)

Honorable mention: Serena Williams (don’t sleep)

Then I have to add a section for best fake boobs in the business. Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Tila Tequila, Pam Anderson and Heidi Montage.

Damn, after all that, even I’ve grown tired of tittays. I must be getting really old.

– Lake

A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila: Episode 5 roundup

Ok, so I heard that Tila won’t be starring in the next show in the A Shot at Love series.

Some of the news outlets said she was “fired” because she wouldn’t be in A Shot at Love 2. Tila said that it wasn’t true and that she just found true love. Well, from watching this last less than stimulating episode, I think that sadly that may be true.

Well, I can accept that I guess. It’s probably more about the same way I feel writing this blog: at some point, there but so many pictures of Tila’s boobs, ass and face you can show until it gets tired.

(or not, NSFW)

Moreover, unlike Flavor Flav and New York aka Tiffany Pollard, Tila actually seems like a reasonably sane person. Translation, she’s not all that good for Reality TV. I wonder who they’ll put up there next. You’d think it’s gotta be someone who likes guys and girls and it must be a woman at the center because I haven’t met a woman yet who thinks it’s cool that her man likes man on man love. Stay tuned to see who is the central figure in A Shot at Love 2, Hoes Return.

Anyway, off to the episode. So Tila had them do a standard silly “challenge” this time it was to wash off the car provocatively.

(There was a little too much man rubbed up on machine if you ask me)

I thought I saw this one on Next, so you know it wasn’t original or entertaining. Of course, again, she had the dudes in speedos just to put them out there on that “open to anything” sexuality tip. Then they hit a spa where the dudes had to get waxed up. Oh yes and this clown volunteered to do his legs (ugh), arse (yuh!) and ahem balls (Aaaaargh!!!)…

(And no this is not a filler pic. This is literally the screen cap of dude getting his stones sanded, yikes)

Yes, his family jewels got waxed and not in a good way.

Terrible. Again, as I’m watching the show I’m wondering, has this thing finally ran out of gas? All this talk about people’s feelings and real relationships. Who wants to hear about that? At any rate, two of the chicks got into a chick fight, which apparently goes on into the next show.

Now one of these babes is damn fine (and when I say fine I’m talking about her crazy body). Her name is Vanessa and she’s already done some oil rubbing and pole straddling errr modeling for Maxim. Peep it.

(Vanessa is in the middle)

The other one, Brandi, is one ham sandwhich and a catcher’s mitt away from becoming softball girl, which is something like Brock’s Sponge Bob Square ass, just all over.

(Though I must admit it’s looking like she slathered some HGH across her chest piece b/c that upper body is lookin fit son!)

Basically those chicks look like flesh covered freezers. You know the kind you kept in the garage growing up? Just terrible. So one chick is tight and fine and the other one is big and brawny…

You know what that means. Eyeeeee gotta feeeeeel-in that somebody who is hotter, sexier and smaller is about to catch a serious ass whoopin. Too bad I couldn’t catch any better pics of ole girl’s body, it’s official. Oh now wait a second, this just in.. Here is a video with Vanessa from some Maxim shoot. Check the babe out for yourselves.

Anyway, the fake virgin black chick and num nuts (meaning that idiot who waxed his balls) got sent off, basically for being wack. Hopefully next week’s show will pack more of a punch. We need some threesome action right away to save this show from itself. Shit, maybe the writers really are on strike.  Oh well, here is another NSFW pic of Tila to make us all feel better.

-Lake

A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, Episode 4 roundup – Crazy!

If you can’t tell already, I watch a hella lot of tv. That includes my daily diet of sports, reality tv, politics, crime dramas, nonsense, football de telemundo and romantic comedies. Yes, tivo has destroyed my life. Anyway, so I’m watching Tila Tequila on A Shot at Love, LIVE, which is crazy for me since I hate commercials, but that’s just how good this show has been to me. I can’t miss it.

I’m watching Episode 4 thinking about what I’m going to write on the blog about it and I must say, at first, I’m a little disappointed (that would change as the show progressed). Initially, I figured that the show this week had degenerated into:

• One part predictable “battle of the sexes” (which I understand and expect),
• Two parts buck naked Tila Tequila/barely dressed up in some crazy outfit (incidentally, it’s pretty crazy how good this chick looks in each different outfit).

• And three parts Tila Tequila kissing up on some hot lesbian (also appreciated).

Again, I can deal with that format, but it just doesn’t give me exactly everything I need. I’m a purist. Give me a protagonist. Give me an antagonist. Give me a chick who lies and conjures up some silly faux persona where she acts like she’s 1. a lesbian, 2. a virgin ;), and 3. “innocent.”

Oh yeah, we’ve already been given that chick. And just peep the look in her eye, then pan down. “Ashli, Kelly not guil-tee.”

This chick Ashli (not to be confused with the nutso dude named Ashley) is clearly a fraud and quite frankly, I won’t stand for it. It’s not that I don’t like a tv fraud, hell, I love them. But if you’re going to be a fraud, be one by saying you’re wild, crazy, promiscuous and ohhhh dangerous. Don’t come on here acting like you’re some random good girl black chick from Jersey (everyone knows there are NO virgins in Jersey, uuuh, bridge and tunnel), with double D’s and ass who has never been gotten at. Believe you me, that chick is NOT a virgin…not by a mile.

Anyway, the show was fine, standard foolishness and then they had eliminations and that’s when this fool Ashley, a dude, got to wildin out! Peep the video.

(If you can imagine it, this cat is actually wilder than he looks, he’s NUTS and worse yet, he’s “Likes to Fight guy”)

Tila iced him out, didn’t really say why, just hit him with that weird accent she has, “your shot at love is over,” she must be a Cali chick. Anyway, this fool starts twitching and back peddling to point out all the losers (who by the way made it further than he did) and why she will eventually realize that she made a mistake. Ha.

Anyway, while he’s shitting on all his former buddies, one of the cats he’s completely dissing to their face named Bobby makes the mistake of saying, “F- off” or something like that.. Um, big time mistake. Big boy, with the cat ass name goes OFF!! Check this shit out right here, it’s classic trash tv and HILARIOUS to a cat like me. I mean, this fool had a sadistic look on his face and one thing is for sure, dude was 100% serious.

The cat just started strangling Bobby, a cat that to this point has gotten zero pub on the show, and then he wouldn’t let go!! Bottom line, Bobby ends up in a damn ambulance (lol).

And Ashley ends his night outside yelling like a bootleg and bullshit ass Marlon Brando in some bastard production of A Street Car Named Desire on some ole…..”Tila. Teeee-la… Teeeeeeea-laaaaaaaaaaah!!!”HAAAAA

Dude, it was so good. And then when nobody came to get him, he was just out there kicking over potted plants, ripping leaves off trees and talking shit about how he wants another piece of Bobby (what was left of him). Ha. It was classic.

What a great show. Sex, lies, violence oh and now we’ve got video tape. A loyal reader, Chris in South Carolina, just sent over a link to a video he claims is an ahem authentic Tila Tequila adult film. I “reviewed” a portion of the “film” and I have three comments.

Comment 1. This alleged Tila Tequila porn tape is really aggressive and definitely NSFW, so just know that before you click on it. Hell, if that was Tila doing ahem, those things, I can see why ole Ashley was fighting, kicking inanimate objects and defacing foliage.

Comment 2. The woman on the tape definitely looks like Tila.

Comment 3. Sadly, it’s probably not her. I just feel like a tape like this would be a known commodity on the web by now if it were truly a Tila Tequila sex tape. Hey, you decide. As always, I never look at these tapes and find them morally objectionable like a Republican in a bathroom stall. Out.

– low lake

A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila roundup, episode 2

UPDATE: Read our A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila Episode 4 round up HERE.

Ok, so I tuned into my favorite show right, A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila..

Tila is just so much better at this thing than New York’s terrible ass.. Anyway, I turn the show on and I’m immediately put off by what I see. They play spin the bottle and every time the bottle lands on a dude, they are immediately directed to do something gay. Now, I know men typically cow tow to women on these shows, I mean, that’s what these guys are there for, but when you add in the lesbian or bisexual flow, it just changes the game all around. See, these babes are all lesbians, so it’s cool for them to pull some ole, “go stimulate Denise” over a friendly game of spin the bottle, but that aint cool when it’s a room half full of dudes and half full of hot chicks that don’t (allegedly) want to do sh*t with you.

Then they ask the guys to put on a chick’s panties,

perform ahem oral sex on the bottle (he did it) and go and kiss some hairy rat bastard on the lips…pardon me, but that’s not entertaining. That’s bad tv. Fix this problem. Nobody wants to see that shit.

What we want is that chick who lied and is really also into guys and the show shall giveth. Enters Rebecca.

Indeed, the hot chick Rebecca who got some burn in my last entry for her crazy body, smooth flow and ability to get Tila’s juices flowing showed that her game was a lil too tight. Chick went ahead and cheated on Tila with not one, but two people. Moreover, she was supposedly fucking a dude (nice) and kissing up on a chick (love it)…

That’s great tv right? The only problem was that Rebecca’s antics got her canned at the end of the show… “Rebecca, your shot at love is over” awww dammit. You get rid of one of the hottest babes on the show with the best body because of ho activities? What’s wrong with America today? We want those chicks who cheat on Tila, get caught and then lie about it. If that’s not encouraged on a show like this, then what’s the damn point?

(Oh yeah, that’s right. Several women who look hot in bikinis and Tila)

Again, Viacom is missing the point and not giving the people what they want. Too much legitimacy, not enough hoes and general wildness. Don’t make me give yall the Keeping up with the Kardashians treatment…. Well, with a babe like this who kisses up on babes and dudes every show, that will never happen…

Te Amo Tila…

In short, let’s stay high on drama and wild foolishness and low on principles, values and good moral fiber. I don’t come to you for that. Here’s an idea for next week’s show: Tila has a threesome with a guy and girl that went too far with the girl or guy liking it a little too much, such that Tila has to cut them off.. Genius right? That kind of innovative thinking and foresight is what I expect for you guys next weekend. Get it right, get it tight. This is what the people want. And don’t forget, it’s not too late to do my show titled, Lake of Love….perfect.

And yes, those nude videos and pictures of Tila just never stop coming, NSFW.

– Late night Lake (edits will have to come later)

A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila: Genius!!!

Man, I’m way behind on this.

But after checking this show out on my flight the other day, A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila was immediately placed in the upper tier of my tivo priority list. And boy oh boy, was I ever sleeping on this chick Tila.

By the way, I’m quite sure that tail is an optical illusion. I mean the babe is only something like 4′,9″ but it sure looks right from here. Let’s take it to the video replay:

Upon further review, this chick is bad and my tailpiece admiration stands as called on the field. While not thickened up about the arse like a Bojangles two piece, it’s definitely an asset and she moves it surprisingly well…I guess that’s what they mean by “Afro-centric Asian, half freak, half amazing…” Gotta love it.

Never again will I take this babe for granted. Yeah, I read about her before in Stuff/Maxim or one of those joints, I guess she’s some hip hop artist.. Whatev, none of that matters.

(Except this cover, that matters. Oh silky and lean, you gotta be a female boss to strike that pose and make it come off, love it)

What does matter is how damn hot this little chick is.

(uh oh, someone call Brock, Lake is flippin out maaaan…on the edge, just how I likes it)

WOW. I mean, peep this babe.

Not only that, but the babe is technology savvy with a penchant for showing off all her goods (NSFW), our kind of girl. I mean, it’s not Noelia good yet, but it’s damn good. The babe has the most myspace “friends” because she’s got naked pictures of herself (NSFW) all over the place. Now, I don’t myspace and I sure as hell aint her friend (but I want to be) but you know Lakey the Don will lace you with those ropa free, NSFW nude Tila pics RIGHT HERE. Wow, it’s aggressive and they appear to be using limited airbrushing (I had to preempt you haters), just how I like it.

But of course the story doesn’t stop there. We have this lovely show, A Shot at Love, to watch every week for the sole purpose of seeing Tila in wild exotic outfits and crazy sexually charged situations… oh and some of these lesbians are right too. Peep it:

I love trash TV like Flavor of Love and all the derivatives, because they play off that basic concept from the Bachelor: tens of insincere and superficial aspiring actresses looking to boost their careers before plunging themselves direct-it-tally into the porn industry eeeeerrrr surprisingly attractive singles, looking for a meaningful shot at love and maybe even marriage with that right special someone!!! Only this is better because it just dispenses with all the foolishness concerning a “connection” and places the focus squarely where it should be: on how hot and outrageous (in that order) the losers on the show can be en route to their self-degradation.

But this show really did take it to the next level. It kind of reminds me of what Gerard’s pops said to Marcus in Boomerang, “but you can’t stop there…see” and Marcus said “see I would have stopped at the mushroom belt” and then ole pops showed him the special mushroom lining inside. See, that’s what A Shot at Love is. It’s the extra special mushroom lining that you didn’t know you needed until you saw it coo-wooordinated with everything else. Then you just sit back and realize, damn, all this time the one thing that was missing from I Love New York was the most obvious thing: a legitimately banging ass star who takes her clothes off and kisses up on women!!! Add to it a bunch of lesbians with tight bodies (and maybe a few butter faces) and keep the loser dudes for comedic value and you have the perfect show, giving you every-single-thing you want and need. GENIUS.

(Mayne, on that first episode Rebecca brought that thunder and it only made me wonder (yes, that was a Ginuwine reference))

In the end, a bunch of hot ass lesbians and terrible ass dudes competing for fine ass Tila? I’ll take it. I appreciated how Tila kept it real on the first episode too. She bounced out every single chick who wasn’t tight in the thigh and sneaky in the eye — just how Lake would have done. Hell, I need a show. Same deal, a bunch of straight chicks in the house with a bunch of lesbians/bi-sexual babes, all fighting for the love of Lake. In fact, that’s the name of the show: The Love of Lake. Now that sounds about as hot and original as it gets. I think it would work…Viacom, call me. We could do like a Duke Basketball, stripper and vodka infused crime (I’d be thieving hoes) melo drama with a DNA test at the end of every show and a laugh track throughout. I’m all for it.

I can be reached at 212- ext. 228!

– Lakey the Star