Last week Baron Davis signed with the Los Angeles Clippers. Baron Davis at the point, Corey Maggette at the wing, and Elton Brand giving you 20 and 10 on the block and Baron Davis was feeling like this:
He was ready to make a real run in the west…there’s running in the west alright. Running up out of LA.
Whoo whee, Elton Brand just signed that 5 year, Eighty Million Dollar contract with the Philadelphia 76ers.
Which means right now he is making a mixtape featuring:
Deion Sanders – Must Be the Money
Ice Cube – Today Was a Good Day
Beatles – Money (That’s what I want)
ABBA – Money, Money, Money
O’Jays – For the Love of Money
Great for Elton Brand, not so great for Baron Davis. You know the crack reporting staff here at UvT got in touch with Baron Davis for the exclusive interview.
UvT: Baron, how do you feel about Elton’s new deal?
Baron Davis:
UvT: I know, jacked up right? Oh by the way, Corey Maggette also just went to your old team, the Warriors.
BD:
UvT: So with that in mind, how do you feel about your chances of reaching the playoffs next year?
BD:
UvT: You ain’t lied. It’s probably going to be a bit of a longshot. Got any last words for Elton?
BD:
UvT: Damn Baron, tell him how you really feel.
Good luck playing for another really mediocre team next year and for the next five years of your life…just like the last nine years of your life.
So I watched the NBA Draft tonight and I just realized how completely inept and awful those New York Knicks are.
I mean, jeez, they’ve got to be the stupidest organization in all of sports. No need to belabor the point. It’s just that I pretty much can’t stand a useless European player, especially when said Euro is taken ahead of legitimate talent. Which brings us to the New York Knicks. The franchise aint been right since Vanilla Ice was selling out arenas. They’ve had a debacle with that wo-MAN Beast v. Zeke sexual harrassment fiasco, they’ve got the highest payroll in the entire NBA and oh yeah, THEY SUCK, so how can they actually make their situation even worse? Oh, I know, draft a random ass, unknown cat who “isn’t known for his athleticism” but whose father happened to room with head coach Mike D’Ahntoni when he was slumming it in Italy. Meanwhile, the rest of the league is getting better and just having their way with NY.
WTF? Let me get this straight. Your team is horrible and has been horrible for years. You just fired your coach. You need to win not now but RIGHT NOW and you’ve got names like Eric Gordon, Brook Lopez, DJ Augustin, Jared Bayless and Anthony Randolph on the board. Instead of taking one of those guys you take some random nicknamed after a mufuckin rooster? I mean, who in the hell is this Danilo Gallinari?
I mean, dude’s highlights weren’t even that hot. I’d be pissed if this cat was going to play at Duke next year, but the Knicks are betting the farm on the dude? Fucking awful. No wonder the fans boo’d. No wonder the Knicks suck. I mean, seriously, the last time the Knicks mattered John Starks was getting speaking lessons, Pat Ewing was rocking a sagging high top and Charles Smith was pulling his skirt down.
Even those cheerleaders are underwhelming. It’s hard work sucking this much. He NY Knicks, Shaq and the rest of the league want to you to tell us how their asses taste. Awful.
Shaq’s act got old quickly. I mean, I was with my man when his good for nothing, ungrateful wife piece was doing the vida loca with the “personal trainer” but this shit is ridiculous. I guess Shaq was free styling, which by the way is one of those things you should just pledge not to ever do once you hit the age of 30 (and by the way, it should be past the age of 21, but I’ll let the hip hop babies live their dreams for an additional decade because I love ya). So this old ass giant mug was spitting pre made disses errr free styles and he started in about Kobe, how his ass tastes and why his wife left him…It was fucking awful, just peep it.
“You know how I be. Last week Kobe couldn’t do without me. Hey Kobe, how does my ass taste.”
Xactly…Oh and this is how Shaq rides off gracefully into the sunset in the twilight of his career?
“I’m a horse. Kobe ratted me out. That’s why I’m getting divorced. He said Shaq gave a bitch a mil. I don’t do that ’cause my name’s Shaquille. I love ’em, I don’t leave ’em. I got a vasectomy, now I can’t breed ’em.”
Damn, I guess we just got that full confirmation that not even the ghost of Red Auerbach himself was cheering harder for the Celtics to win than Shaq was? I mean, come on Shaq, how could you, one of the 50 best players of all time, a cat with FOUR Championship rings, have been reduced to a simple hater?
What happened to the good ole days? Hey Shaq, I’ll just go ahead and say what Kobe should be able but can’t say:
1. You’re all washed up. You SUCKED this year for PHX. I mean, ones of fans actually think that trade made sense and then even fewer liked it once you got there.
2. You’re not nearly as funny as you think you are, in fact, you’re a straight up Grade A cornball.
I mean, sure you’ve got personality, but truth be told, it kind of sucks. I know lots of people give you dap for being “a good guy” but we’re talking about a cat who does or does not have the charisma to rap, tell jokes and just be the man in a room. YOU DON’T HAVE THAT. Your “IT” factor died once your vertical became 1/4 of your waist size.
3. You can’t rap. Your album only sold because you were the only “rapper” meaning black dude that white parents ever heard of so they bought their kids your album by default. Your flow is god-awful and your rhymes suck. “Nick nack Shaq attack, give a dog a bone…..I know I got skillz man, I know I got skillz“.. Remember that? Fucking awful then, still awful now.
4.. If you keep this up, you’ll start to make people believe that Shaunie was right for ditching you and getting with Rico Suave.
Act like you’ve been there, kick back, steal that last year of loot on that contract and then just ride off into the sunset like Bill Russell or even Magic. Stay in your lane son and yes, even a crazy talented cat like you does have a lane. You don’t have the game to pull stunts like this my friend. And sadly for you, Kobe still does. Accept it.
Look, I know I’m crazy late on this but I just needed to let you know that the Celtics win hasn’t been ALL good in Boston. It’s the classic of Good n Terrible. See… Good:
And just fucking terrible.
No words…
Apparently Marlo didn’t get it either. Oh, but wait, it kinda got worse at the parade:
Say what? Is that a C-section scar? Has this cat Glenn “Big Baby” Davis EVER seen a weight room? That’s just wrong… Really, there is NOTHING right about that shot.. NOT.A.DAMN.THING. Help…him. Thank god those arms are up… Jeez.
I mean, on the real. Enough with the bullshit, it’s time to put these chumps to sleep.
It’s kind of ridiculous when you hear the commentators talk about whether the Celtics should be worried. Worried? About what? They’re up against a bunch of bums who don’t have the heart to come into Boston and do anything of note. Paul Pierce is looking like the best player in the world right now. Pau Gasol continues to support the image of the soft Euro and the only other options the Lakers have are weaker, shorter and even softer versions of Pau. Lamar Odom aint ready…. I mean, it’s all a joke.
The only thing more ridiculous than the notion that the Celtics should be the ones who are concerned was that hooded sport coat Lamar Odom was rocking during those post game interviews the other night.
Where did he cop that number? Today’s Geechie? Horrible, awful.
It’s getting about as played as that “Ok, let’s vent…LET’S Veeeint” Coors Light foolishness. I was down with that NBA split screen commercial when it first came out. Sure it was inventive and definitely got that “heart of a champion” feel in there. But then it got too good to ya.
See that Nash-J Kidd joint pretty much sucked. Maybe it’s just something about the different color eyes and hair cuts, but it’s not right and both of these dudes are barely relevant at this point. I will concede that the Zohan/Baron Davis joint was pretty cool, but you should have left it at that.
Now they’re hitting us with the Larry Bird and Magic Johnson installment. Just terrible dude. First of all, these cats look like some horrid beast sitting along side of each other.
Jeez. Talk about a Pan’s Labyrinth special with extra ugly on top! I mean, the crazy baldy v. fluffed hair and brown eye v. blue eye dichotomy is predictable and ok, but that lip v. no lip wasn’t something I was ready for. And that double wide saggy face with the extra meat up in the tank top. It just all needs to go away. It’s all too much. Why not put those dudes in suits or something. I get what you were trying to do, but it’s too far. That’s will be enough.
Now you know what Commercials are hilarious? Those GMC joints with the dude from MadTv.
Damn, one night and just so much happened in this Boston sports market that it’s hard to keep up. WEEI is going to be off the chain with phone calls tomorrow, that’s for sure. Let’s start with those C’s, I can’t lie, they started out about as shady as Tyler Perry at the church’s All Men’s Choir practice. I mean, shit didn’t look or feel right. Then bad went to worse when Pauly P. hit the floor and clutched that knee piece. I was actually ok with that until they started muting out his words (read curses) as he writhed in pain on the floor.
Then they carried the cat away like he was about to make an unexpected stop at the local glue factory or something:
And when they carted him off in that wheelchair like a little bitch, it just took everything in me to NOT send that “game, set, season” text message I had cued up in my phone to the local peoples. Good thing I didn’t, because dude came back down the ramp looking like Willis Reed meets skip to my lou.
And he was all amped up. I mean, high fiving and heart punching… I must say, given his state just 3 minutes prior, it was pretty fucking terrible and I’m rooting for the Celtics. I can only imagine how awful it looked to the C’s haterz out there. How can you go down like someone shot you, start cursing like your career is suddenly over as you grip tight on that knee piece and literally get carted off like a beeyatch, only to come out hopping around like Peter Cotton Tail, with an extra young headband, on Easter Sunday?
Then you check into the game and play magnificently to the soundtrack of Jim Jones “We Fly High (Ballin)” en route to 22 pts and a C’s win?
I mean, what happened to the knee? Why were you laid out on the ground, crying and all? Something seems fishy… Could it all have been for show?
Then on the same night, the Red Sox turn around and make me remember why they’re my favorite team right about now (the Mets are a mess). Coco Crisp (still not sure how I feel about that name) ran into an infielder in retaliation behind a block of the plate yesterday.
Don’t ask me why, the most uninteresting thing about Baseball (and lord knows with Baseball there is plenty of ‘uninterestingness’ if you will) is this so called “unwritten code.” Look, I don’t know why he did it and I don’t care. All I know is that Coco got thrown at by the pitcher and boy, he wasn’t taking that shit lying down!
Seriously, someone cue up that “neva scared” music, because that’s exactly what happened here and I know that pitcher was scared when he swung wildly and got absolutely nothing but cool Boston air. Peep the fight. First the tight angle.
Then the whole thing.
Sheeeeit, Coco looked like he knew how to throw them thangs, too. He side stepped that punch and juuuuuust missed with a nice right hook. Haaa I love it. Coco is a hard mufucka! I mean, the cat can’t go much more than 170 lbs, right? I guess with a name like Coco, you gotta be hard.
Then Manny and Kevin Youkilis got into it, which I’m fine with.
But someone better tell Kevin Youkilis that he’s Kevin Youakilis. I don’t care what Manny said, he’s Manny and you’re not. Don’t fuck with greatness.
Meanwhile, Manny hit yet another home run and the Red Sox cruised to victory and right into 1.5 game first place lead in the AL East. Good to be in Beantown, for now. Out.
Looks like the Big 3 just got cut down to the Big 2.
Paul Pierce just went down with a twisted knee. I’m sure the Lakers don’t want to win like that.
-Brock
———–UPDATE————-
Pierce is back already. Trying to pull off a Willis Reed moment. He was back on the court after three minutes. Does that make him a warrior for working through the pain? Or is he a bitch for having to get carted off in a wheelchair for an injury where all he needed was a rubber knee brace? You tell me. The big three is back at full strength.
Yo, I’ve been out of pocket over the last couple of days. I know, it’s because I was tending to my ailing Auntie, right? Uhh, nah. The only thing that was being tended to were those plentiful bottles of Grecian Geese I was imbibing by the liter full.
And just so you know, that Grey Goose Gimlet is the perfect weapon for that weekend long bender. Anyway, it’s just a great time to be living in Beantown because this sports culture out here is just fire! Things are happening so fast that I can’t even catch up.
I mean, no sooner than Manny Ramirez jacks out that 500th homer, thereby securing his place in the Baseball Hall of Fame and Red Sox lore forever, he runs off and hits one again. Dude, Manny is a MONSTER at the plate. And while he hasn’t passed my favorite all time baseball player Pedro Martinez yet, homey is truly knocking at that door.
At this point, the only way a cat can keep Manny in the ball park is to go ahead and pitch him a Mariah Carey-Cannon special:
HA! That was terrible. I mean, first off, who does she think she is with that gear? Is this chick a fast ass, facebook happy 17 year old teenie bopper or a 38 year old cougar with a substandard pre nup game? Put some damn clothes on, take them stripper heels off and put some damn umph behind that first pitch. Then again, I guess you’d have a hard time getting that ball all the way over home plate too if your diet consisted of yeyo, Cannon balls and celery sticks. I mean, just imagine how skinny she’d look if she didn’t have 8 pounds of silicone sittin’ on high to fill out that extra medium pink top.
Anyway, moving on.. big up to the Celtics for putting away those Pistons, too!
You gotta be happy for Paul Pierce because that fool has struggled in Boston. Sheeyut, I knew the C’s were gonna win after game 5 when I saw Bill Belicheat sitting in those floor seats with that wild woman.
Lol… Dude, I know some cats are breast man, but Bill is taking the thing a bit too far. So much for the perception that all these guys do is work. Clearly Bill’s been working all right….working them J’s. Damn. You know Belichick had a microphone in the Piston’s locker room, bought off a ref or three and put that stone-faced hoody hex on Chaucey’s ahem groin.
Anyway, though I’m not a fan of all the teams, the Sox, Celts and Patriots do make for year ’round sports bliss in the Bean. Out.
This really isn’t news so I’ll give it a few seconds of actual story time until I move on to more worthy pursuits. But Joakim Noah, the back-to-back NCAA Basketball National Champion and Chicago Bull Forward, just got busted for possession the hippie lettuce and unauthorized public liquor sippin the ‘nother day in Florida.
I know, I know, the next thing I’ll tell you is that water is wet, R. Kelly enjoys pissing on teens and the Yankees Suck this year. Believe me, Joakim Noah smoking tweed is about as much of a lock as you can possibly get in life.
And while we’re at it, hell, why not, let’s just go ahead and roll back that ridiculous celebration dance homey pulled last year.
Hard to imagine that dude is on some banned substances, huh? And even better, his pops doesn’t understand what all the fuss is about, hmmmm, I wonder why?
“In the newspapers, there’s a lot of talk about my son who is 23 and has a drink with his friends and who is caught with a joint in his pocket,” said Noah senior.
“He called me. He said: ‘Dad, I think I’ve blundered’. I said: ‘Yes, it’s a mistake but it’s not serious. Don’t change. Make me happy, don’t let it happen again’.”
Hey, it’s hard to fault pops for taking the smooth and easy approach when he can smoke the finest herbs over in Paris with an assortment of extra light skinned bunnies he seems to hold in his pockets like so many nickels and dimes (Godfather I reference).
Yannick is so pimp. I’m sure Joakim needs some “home grown” to just get his mind off how much cooler his pops is than him. Anyway, While I was looking up the particulars on this Joakim “blunder” I noticed something: Joakim’s sister Yelena Noah is pretty decent.
Ahhh, interesting, but only average. Maybe she needs to be glammed up a bit:
Better, but still unimpressive. Hey, mid post, I’ve reversed myself. Not only is this babe not UvT quality, but now I finally know how Pac felt on “Hit Em Up” when he pronounced, “I don’t even know why I’m on this mufuckin track,” because this chick is scarcely post worthy. To cleanse my palate let me lace up one of Yannick Noah’s ladies of yore, Heather Stewart Whyte, his second wife.
Now she was/is Euro-flow, Bolivian Marching Powder, celery for breakfast, lunch and dinner hot. Sheeeeiit, she was even Maxim ugly American hot…
Hell, she’s even got some Not Safe For Work street cred right here. I like it. Sheeeeit, Heather saved my post. Can’t have the “you’re ho game is weak” boo birds blowing up my celly like last week.
Us Versus Them 
