Posts Tagged ‘No Bitchassness’

Dear Hip Hop, Please, No More Bitchassness…

September 10, 2008

Man, maybe I’m just getting too old for the game.  Maybe I’ve just lost touch.  Maybe I should just accept that a life of family, low salt foods and Jesus fishes needs to replace Vegas, Grecian Goose and verified ignorance.  I don’t know, I suddenly feel like the hip hop curmudgeon and I don’t like it.  Sure, I can deal with violence:

Hypocrisy:

Sexploitation:

and utter tomfoolery:

because those are the reasons I listen to hip hop to begin with.  But let’s be frank here.  There is an epidemic of cat shit that’s attacking the bedrock principles of the art form I know and love.  I mean, it was ok when the cat ass shit was truly artistic, like, if a dude was literally blasting off to planet 3000, I was ok as long as the rhymes stayed funky.

But see Andre 3000 can get away with that shit because he was doing it when cats were literally like, “what the fuk is wrong with this dude”?

I mean, a cat who comes out on the Chris Rock show with some snow boots, shoulder pads and blue wig right in the middle of the Jay Z “Hard Rock Life” and DMX “Get At Me Dog” era, really believes.  But this cat… I mean, goodness, didn’t Puff just recently ask for no bitchassness?

I mean, what the fuck is going on?  And please stop striking that pose like you reeaaally just nailed that outfit too.  haaa, this shit is awful.  Kanye, I really like your music and I do believe that you’re generally a sincere cat.  But on the rizzeal, you’re not that fashion forward dude you think you are.  Sure you have some cats following your steez, but they’re all fucking terrible and wack or quite literally on some other, high-lo, ignorant-intelligent, deep-shallow thespian bullshit.

Man, I’m telling you. These damn weirdos (I said it) have finally gotten under my skin.  All these dudes out here trying to be soooo different.  What ever happened to conformity?  I mean, I used to laugh when I heard those terrible ass NYC bouncers warn us “we can get gully in here sun, I told you, clear this area”  Ahhhhnnt Hell, I’m longing for those days now.  What ever happened to “punching a nilla in the face just for living” (Mobb Deep)?  I mean, I thought those days were the low point.  I thought DMX was taking shit too far.  Then I saw this.

And no I don’t care that those shoes are the hottest thing in Milan, that your extra medium tuxedo shirt is made of finely spun Mongolian cotton or that you had the vision to match it all with a suit from Men’s Warehouse just to keep it “organic” or whatever silly explanation you have for this ‘fit.  And no, I don’t give a hot damn about the strappy juxtaposition between the braces and the backpack or that fucked up green floor and your fucked up lack of a haircut.  I don’t know and I don’t wanna know, ok?

Jesus, Buddah, Allah, someone, please help us.  Obviously we’re not figuring this thing out down here.  Stop dressing like a gay euro.  Stop rocking shit you know looks wack, juuust becuase you think you’ll be seen as different.  Stop singing songs that truly require actual vocal ability and most of all, just stop being a bitch.

Put down that purse and pick up a ball, remote, a beer..dammit, something, anything.  I’m with Sarah Palin on this one, go shoot some Moose mufuckers, leave the cat shit be.

There, I said it.

– Lake

Buckeey Speaks Out About Sex Tape

July 18, 2008

Anybody who reads this blog regularly knows I have an unholy interest in Shay “Buckeey” Johnson. And then when she came correct with that sex tape (found HERE), my initial “interest” was ahem fully confirmed.

Now baby girl is speaking out on her sex tape. I don’t want to ruin the moment, so I’ll let her explain the release to you in her own words:

It troubled me to find out my ‘intimate act of love’ was classified as a sex tape. I didn’t speak on it because I knew how tender the situation was between me and my partner. I didn’t want to point fingers at anyone or come out with any names because it was then and still is very much my personal business. Over these past few weeks I have been tortured by strangers about what happened, who was I with, did I release the tape on purpose to get publicity, can I prove to them it was me and multiple other random and indecent requests and questions. So I’m forced to make a statement. Once you become a personality on television (slow down girl) you become the target of haters and I am no different (you got that right), the release of the tape was done by a hater, stolen by a hater and is just another blatant case of bitchassness.

Intimate act of love? Buckeey acts like we didn’t watch the damn tape. Well, I didn’t, but you know. If looking at the camera, barely acknowledging “your partner, and taking it raw dog up the back door are the elements of this “intimate act of love” then Flavor really f*cked up when he didn’t pick you.

With that arse you’re sporting and that mic game you displayed, I can’t imagine a single dude who wouldn’t want your kind of intimacy in-house. And baby, it’s called a “sex tape” because you were on tape having sex. That’s what happens when you’re taking dack and sucking cack, all while keeping eye contact with camera one. And that money shot line she delivered on cue, veeeery intimate. It was tender even.. oh what was it? Oh yes:

“Yes, he just nutted all over me.”

Bang! I wonder who that message was for? You, the Nut-tee or dude, the Nutter. And no, I can’t quite imagine why either one of your would need to be told that just happened. But hey, that shit was like T.S. Eliot yall. Or was that Eliot Spitzer. I can’t tell. I will give MAJOR points to Buckeey for sticking that landing at the end with that “Bitchassness” line, though.

That was hot. Only when you’ve got reindeer in your blood line and you’re better around Mics (or Mikes) than Scottie Pippen, I don’t think the term will be read the same way. I mean, it definitely was some “Assness” going on in that video. And while I would never call you a beeeyatch, well, others might. At any rate, more Buckeey is good for my life and the more “projects” she does, the happier I am.

I just want to see the rest of her sex tape. And if she didn’t release it, she should be thanking whoever did. Let’s face it, she didn’t make the cut for I Love Money, which means that Pumkin even gets higher billing than her. Meanwhile, Tiffany “New York” Pollard is quietly going on her 5th or so reality show in a row.

You know you’re a low level broad when New York is whoopin your ass in the ratings. Sheeeit, Buckeey needs to come out with a whole line of pornos just to get a callback errr look for true love on VH1 again. Out.

– Lake