Big Brother 10: Dan is a Genius

Big Brother 10 is winding down.  As always, it always seems more interesting at the beginning than it does at the end, and the most interesting people get kicked out first.  We needed Ollie and April to keep bucking it on out on camera [NSFW] just to keep it interesting, but alas they are getting their freak on in the sequester house now.  Where if they were getting loose while they were on camera, you know they are getting completely wild now.

So here’s where it is.  Dan, Memphis and Jerry are the only ones left in the house.  Jerry, the token old guy has no chance in hell.

That dude ain’t winning.  Not at all.

Who else is there?  Memphis?

Yeah, the professional “mixologist” will probably end up being the dude sitting next to Dan, but Dan has been using Memphis to look like the bad dude for the last few weeks.  He’s also played Memphis to make him look like a bad player.  Also, this dude wears deeper v neck shirts than any of the women in the house.  That is completely unacceptable.

Speaking of the ladies, the last woman standing was Keesha.

No she’s not worried.  She always makes that face for some reason.  She was supposed to be one of the hot girls, but you know what, she’s really not.  She’s missing a tooth over there on the right side.  That’s not hot.

You know who is about to win though?  Dan.

This dude as been running some high level game on everyone for the entire game and the crazy thing is everything he’s done has worked.  He threw challenges when he needed to, then he turned it on and dominated every challenge when he needed to.  And he called his shots to the cameras the whole time.  He might be the best player since Dr. Will.  Look, he’s not running any Chill Town level smack, but he’s working for the fans in there.

The only thing that could go down is Memphis winning the final challenge and snaking Dan to keep Jerry in the house for the loot.  I don’t think Memphis has got it in him though.  Dan wins.  He might sweep this thing if he plays his cards right.

I need that Chill Town recap now.

-Brock

Making the Band 4: It’s Dark and Lonely

Sure, there isn’t any drama of actually making a band, there aren’t any wild producers like Seven, Diddy has not coined any new phrases like “Bitchassness”, but this is still a damn entertaining show.  Let’s start with Aubrey.  Puff is getting them ready for tour when he notices that the young, slim tender thang that used to look like this:

Now looks like a collagen puffed, fake J’d, fake Jenna Jameson pre-Milf.

How did she choose that dress?  Did she ask for something that only covers her nipples as little as possible?  The lips, the cheeks, the overdone eyes, it ain’t right.  She even arugued that she is old enough to make her own decision when she said she was twenty hrrrrrmmmmmmm years old.  I mean she got halfway through that argument and just swallowed the backend of that declaration.  She did not want to drop that age in front of the cameras.  By the way, next time she’s thinking about shit you shouldn’t do in front of the camera, she needs to keep this on the list.

Aaaaaaaaaaah!  Look I know the cameras follow you all the time, but damn.  The bathroom has got to be a safe zone, right?  Take a brush and some lip gloss back there with you.  You know what, I actually like babes without much make up, Aubrey O’Day version 1 could have pulled the straight out of the shower look off, but vamped up Aubrey needs a little extra help.  And no Aubrey, we don’t want to hear about how you need to go somewhere where you will be appreciated because, you might not know it, but that place is not the music industry.  When Diddy said it gets dark and lonely, he means he will kick your ass to the curb and tell everyone in the industry to leave your ass alone.  When was the last time you saw Da Band?  Exactly.  It is easier to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq than it is to find that cat Fred.  There is a place where you could be appreciated though.  That would be the porn industry with your girl Jenna.  I’d buy it watch it for free on the internet.

Moving on, let’s talk about Donnie.  First of all, I don’t care how many 12 year old girls made him the “people’s choice” at the end of MTB4 Season 1..which was like two years ago by the way.  Donnie is not about to have the #1 record next week.  First of all Diddy played him by exposing him as a non-dancing, barely singing white dude.  That’s not making me drop $12 at Best Buy.  Second of all, his last name is Klang.  That’s terrible.  So Diddy tells him that we doesn’t want him to move like a White dude.  So what does he do to help him out?

Hire a white dude.  Nice.  I prefer Laurie Anne’s Boom Cack Cack to this dude’s “act like you gonna hit it real hard, then be like naaaaah that’s all I got right there.”  This guy looks like the Fourth Beastie Boy…after they stopped rapping.

I need a break from the terrible.  Let’s go to Dawn.

God bless whoever gave her those pink shorts because once again Dawn was KILLING EM.  I mean good lawd.  She had the sweat on the lower back when she was done working too…doesn’t get any better than that.  That Que workout plan is real.  She is really what you’ve always wanted Kelly Rowland to give you although she never could.  By the way, while I was watching the show one of the people in the room said “Why do they all dance like strippers?”.  I said “The song is called “striptease”.  She responded, “but they always dance like strippers”.  Touche.

Que, what’s her secret?

I know, I know.  A gentleman never tells.  By the way, if you want to kill the gay rumors, you might want to lose the juice boxes.  After the age of 14 you are no longer allowed to drink anything out of a bitch ass bendy straw.  That includes juice boxes, Capri Sun, all that.   The straw in grown man drinks is a stirrer, not an instrument for consuming the beverage.  Got it?  Thanks.

Speaking of rampant bitchassness, that brings us to Brian vs. Laurie Anne.  Sisqo 2.0 didn’t like being picked on (little man/Napoleon syndrome) so he finally blew up on Laurie Anne because she was actually calling him out for constantly f’ing up.  This is one of those practice how you play situations.  Brian thinks he can turn it on for the big show, but Laurie Anne knows he’s wrong.  So Brian blows up.  Walks out.  Yells at his boys, makes Que think he’s about to go back to working at McDonald’s (funniest moment of the night) and starts crying when he starts talking about how hard he works.

Then he breaks down when Laurie Anne comes back in to give him a hug.  Bitchassness is still alive.

-Brock

I Want to Work For Diddy Premiere

So I fired up the tivo and there it was, “I Want to Work For Diddy“.  First impressions, ok, they hype it up with the “this will change your life” rhetoric which is what they always say about these Diddy shows.  But this time, with regard to former assistants, don’t we kind of know better?

I know, I know, he’s an artist.  Let me tell you, I NEVER want to hear this cat on any track, period.  I heard his act on that Andre 3000 interlude, sounded like some bs Man of Morehouse Shakespeare special with extra Ahnt-sauce on top.

Anyway, then they introduce the “celebrity judges” err ex-assistants that ultimately have little to no roll in actually voting these cats on or off.  I guess they rotate show to show:

1.  Derek, Diddy’s Gay stylist?

First of all, why is dude talking like he just caught clean jaw cap from one of those security guards that roll out when you get eliminated?  And is that a southern accent I detect?  Nothing against the south, but somehow that makes it worse.  Jeez.  And just a question about stylists in general, why is their gear always so terrible and how can they help the next man dress if they don’t know enough not to rock the wrinkled sag slim rider pant, with the unintentionally skinny tie piece?  Just asking.

2.  Moderately, but not too overtly attractive Latin Chick

Plain and basic, but just good looking enough to get it from Diddy.  Can you tell that I don’t have a pic of the babe?

3.  Capricorn – Wait a second.  Baby girl’s name is Capricorn?  Bad enough that she’s named after an astrological sign period, but Capricorn is the most ridiculous of all of them.  It’s the one people always said when they used to introduce themselves in those cheesy movies from back in the 70’s.  “Lawrence T. Chestwood, capricorn.”

Even she can’t quite believe that’s actually her name.  I like her hair though… ha

On to the contestants.  So I’m looking for the contestants, seeing what there is to see.  And let me just say, I’m a champion of diversity.  You just gotta have it, right?  You assume they’ll have plenty of black dudes.  You know, bow tie, probably went to Andover/Exeter (then on to Middlebury) black dude.  Ex Corporate America “now I can rock these fake diamond studs” black dude…transsexual dude.

“Now that’s the creep, I be seeing in my sleep”

Ahem.  SAY Cut tha, what tha, FUCK?!?!!!!!!!!!  Is that what I think it is? Holy lord above, can someone please, for the love of god explain the presence of this….ahem…cat? 

What exactly is a tranny?  First of all, does Tranny stand for transsexual or “trans-gender”?  And does that mean, he/she still has his junk or is already gone?  I can tell you what’s not gone, that uncomfortably skrong jaw piece, them shady sideways eyes that themselves can’t even believe Diddy has a legitimate tranny babe errr dude trying to be his assistant and that extra caked-on-baked-on make-up.  Yep, we’ve got ourselves a full on dude with some wild balloons in his chest with a side of ass gel on layaway.

Dammit, why is it all lacquered up with a top coat of “only could come from a man” sweat to lock that deception in?  And yes, I DO see that extra close cat to her/his direct right in this picture, I’m just ignoring it.  Wait, where was I?  Seriously, I’ve lost my entire train of thought here.  Let me just end that paragraph, maybe that will help.

To quote Diddy, “it’s all fucked up now.”  Seriously, and maybe it was just me, but after I saw that wild tranny cat, to me the whole show started to look gay.

And mind you this is coming from a cat that likes Diddy, but all this openly and subtle gay shit isn’t doing anything for those “Diddy runs his assistants under his desk” rumors that have been flying around for years.

Anyway, after I picked my jaw up off the floor and put an extra layer of clothing on to protect me from what I was seeing, I went back to the show.  Standard Diddy shit.  A bunch of hazing with cats who are way too overbearing.

Enters Kim.  Shit talking, hand clapping, would be decent looking but for those extra 140 pounds she doesn’t need chick who most likely has at least two kids at home that she terrorizes whenever she can.  Definitely interesting for the show, but the kind of person who just can’t get along with anyone.  And don’t we know how this will go?  She’s had a tough life.  She’s always had to fight for what she got.  So there is a hard exterior to hide those deep seeded issues she just can’t seem to shake that Diddy will help her to bring out on that treadmill. Right.  Either that or she’s just an evil “chick” with nary a social grace or a shred of bitniz etiquette.

I do appreciate her “nilla” pleez expressions, aggressive hand gestures and over the top fuckery of all the other contestants. I know Kim “[you] aren’t here to make friends”.  ha    So I’m trying to get back into the show and I see them all running all over the city… And then it happens, I see it and turn directly to the lady on the couch and say, literally, “Why is the tranny running like a bitch?” Haaaaaa

Might have been a silly question, but that’s just how it came out.  Dammit, I thought we were done with Omarosa.  Running around the city, sittin extra high on some wild stilts, all sinched up and shit.  Dammit. How did this happen?  Honestly.  This shit is a serious threat to me watching the show.  Did yall hear that cat during those diary room joints?  Crazy man. Ok, I’m done with the tranny dude.  But just so we’re clear, I could literally go on forever with the gay mess that I saw on that episode.  Seriously, chicks aside, there was more gay than straight (and yes, that’s the FIRST time I’ve had to refer to anything as “straight” in my life).

Hey, at least they put some eye candy up in the house, too.  They’ve got pretty (enough) white girl.

Oh and extra fine latin heat named Georgette.

Yessir.

Oh yes indeedy.  But sadly, that hater Kim chick conspired, along with extra swole, Harve Pierre looking Phil (Da Band?) to get the fine babes out the house.  I guess they’ve got to completely kill all heterosexual energy in that camp.

I think they should have consulted with the big man before making that move.  Damn shame too.  Even this probably gay faced cat Rob didn’t quite get that elimination.

I know, I know…If you can’t say anything nice, just stop writing.  Peace.

– Lake

Add Ne-Yo to the List of Dudes Who Need a Hat

I don’t know what it is, but some cats just need that hat for everything to lay in there just right. Of course we’ve got LL, that dude ALWAYS rocks a lid.

Incidentally, is it just me or does LL’s jaw and head combo piece look like a cross between Rumer Willis, Barry Bonds and the bow of a wild battleship?

Then you’ve got Ollie from Big Brother 10:

It’s clear that Ollie from Big Brother 10 keeps that lid on super tizzight at all times.

Incidentally, has anyone ever gotten more ass than Ollie is getting in the Big Brother house? Don’t believe me, just peep it. He’s murdering April. Good shit. That still doesn’t explain why he continues to rock those hats though. Could it be because of that forced baldy striking again? What’s a force baldy you ask? It’s when a dude rocks the bald hair style, not because it looks good on him but out of pure necessity. Hence, the forced baldy which puts him right back in the game since a number of dudes actually opt for baldy hairstyle by choice. Anyway, the problem with the forced baldy for some dudes is that they don’t have the head to carry it. Which brings us to the aforementioned “never seen without a hat” cats Ollie and LL. I suspect they’ve got that forced baldy gone bad issue and if you want to see that up close, peep Ne-Yo.

Not right. Which is why you always see him like this:

It’s tough. If a cat doesn’t have the dome to rock that full baldy once the hairline retreats for the hills, then I guess you just gotta always go with the lid piece.

Yeah, I appreciate the effort, but this cat might want to keep that head piece strapped up.

– Lake

The Most Dangerous Blog Post In the World

In a world where men huddle over computers, digging through blog after blog to provide the world with only the best news in the world, the men of Us Versus Them race against time to deliver comedy to the masses…before it’s too late.  Coming this Fall…Us Versus Them: Taking on the World…From the Edge…of Decency.

Sounds hot right?  Well that is what I thought when I first saw the commercial for Deadliest Catch.  Two story waves.  Icy cold water throwing men around on the deck.  Gigantic hooks and equipment swinging around the deck threatening to slice a man in half and throw him into the icy waters of the Arctic ocean.

When you string the twenty hottest moments of the season together into a thirty second commercial it is great.  So I watched the first episode…guys catching crabs.  Sometimes during the day.  Sometimes in the middle of the night.  Sometimes there are lots of crabs, sometimes there aren’t any crabs at all.  Then they have to rush back to get paid for the crabs.  Every.  Single.  Episode.  I keep waiting for a guy to get swept off the deck, waiting for some of the promised danger.  It never happens.  Don’t sell the show with all this danger if nothing dangerous ever happens.   Script it if you have to.  Make them do challenges like they’re on Survivor.  Stage a equipment breakdown.  Do something to make it more exciting.  One other ridiculous thing?

Have you ever seen the size of these damn crabs?  Sure, that looks okay on the plate if you’ve got a side of butter and a piece of lemon, but if one of these bastards was chilling in your family room when you walked in one day, you’d be calling animal control before you tried to mess with it.  You can grab a lobster and drop it in a vat of boiling water…but if you had to take one of these boys home to cook it yourself, the king crab industry would rapidly go to zero.  Seriously, you can’t tell me with a straight face that you wouldn’t put that crab in the trunk instead of the backseat if you had to take it home from the grocery store live.

Exactly.

So, based on the success of Deadliest Catch where no one ever dies.  There are a bunch of spin offs.  “Ax Men”.  Where loggers cut down trees in the forests of Oregon.

The most dangerous frontier in history, huh?  A poster with a tree falling on someone, dashing for safety.  Yeah, that never happens either.  At least there’s a guy with one hand that now cuts down trees using one good hand and a hook.  That’s got to count for something, but still nothing wild ever happens on the show.  They got cats that are too good at their jobs.  They need to follow people around that aren’t that good at their jobs, you know cutting the tree wrong so it will fall towards them…make it exciting. There is also “Ice Road Truckers”.

Where truck drivers…drive on ice.  Occasionally they slide just like I do when it is icy outside.  Sure, I’m not carrying 10 tons of material behind me so I guess that is supposed to be the dangerous part.  Who cares?  They’re trained to do it.  Either the truck breaks through the ice every other episode or I don’t want to see it.

You know what will never be a show?  Coal Mine…uhhhhh…Miners.  Because that shit is actually dangerous.

See, that looks fucked up already.

You are a 3 miles below the surface and 8 miles away from the entrance and there is a threat of explosion or collapse every single moment.  You know why Coal Mine Miners isn’t scheduled for the Fall?  Because if something goes wrong you are never getting any footage.  Everyone is dead.  The electronics in the camera alone might trigger an explosion.  No camera crew is going to stay down in a coal mine for an entire mining season…because there is no season they will be down there all the time until all the coal is gone, which takes a few decades.  Nothing glamorous there.

So Discovery Channel, step yo game up or stop selling danger when you ain’t got none.  Before long they’ll be showing “Lunch Ladies: Food with Attitude” and the constant threat of creamed corn burns.  Or “Crossing Guards: The Streets ain’t Safe No Mo”  You just can’t sell me anymore, you’ve already gone too far.  I’m going to go watch New York’s new show.  It is the real most dangerous show on television.  It is a major threat to my genius level IQ.  I’ve got lots of room to spare, but still.

-Brock

Big Brother 10: Season Premiere Review

Well well well…if it aint one of my favorite reality tv shows back on the air, BIG BROTHER.  Man, I’ve often told Brock, if there is one reality tv game I’d do, it’d be Big Brother.  I mean, just breaking cats down mentally, tricking them into icing down their friends and playing politics based purely on my powers of persuasion…that’s me.  Survivor is great, but without gel to smooth my hair down, I’d already be at half strength from jump.  And while Lake despises the metro-sexual, which is really a nice way of calling a cat gay, I keep shit too pretty to have bugs, rats and dirty hippies crawling on my while I’m catching a Z or three.

Nah, if I did a reality show, I’d definitely be doing Big Brother and I’d certainly be following the Chill-Town model with ala Will and to a lesser extent, Mike Boogie.  I still love those guys.

So I peeped this first episode and mostly I was underwhelmed.

But that’s ok, because I felt the same way about Big Brother 9 and that shit ended up being INSANE.  So I’m sure it will be fine.  The short of the first show is that they went ahead and picked the Head of Household on looks alone.  Naturally, the old dude, Jerry, won given that generally speaking, everyone else in the house looked exactly the same.  And the old dude was asked to verify, which he happily did, whether some J’s were fake or real….I liked that about him.  No quit.

Hey, who knows, maybe there is hope for John McCain after all.  Anyway, the old dude rolls up into the HOH room and we see the obligatory pic of him in his Korean War get up, then some young buck comes in and basically tricks him into picking his two nominations, a crazy broad from New Orleans that everyone thinks is annoying and a wild professional body builder.  Hey, we’ll see.  It’s basic Big Brother, antics.  Do you get rid of the annoying chick who scarily slid on a wig/head band combo?

Yuck… Or do you out the potentially threatening meathead?  I say off the meathead while you’ve got a shot, plus annoying chicks who ruffle people’s feathers are always good for everyone else in the house.  Keeps the eyes off them.  Oh and we had the sell out sister on display and that’s always a good thing.

And by good thing I mean terrible.  Fine, you’re with a white dude, but you don’t have to be completely defined by it.  I mean, just play it cool.  This chick gets in the house five minutes and suddenly is babbling about her “fair skinned” daughter and the fact that she’s got twins, one a blue eyed “white baby” and the other a “black baby, that looks like (her)”.

AND?  I got a dog that looks like the Men in Black pooch only different, so the fuck what?  Look, nobody cares about your sold lifestyle, your extra light skinned 2 out of 3 children or the fact that your kids have different skin colors from any of the versions of Michael Jackson.

You know who cares about shit like that?  Chicks who have MAJOR issues with the fact that they’re sold.  And I know what you’re thinking, “Lake, why so harsh, maybe she just said it in passing”… nah, I went over to the broad’s profile and she’s got it in there too.  Meanwhile, her twins are only 5 months old and she’s running off to play a Reality TV game?  Perfect.  Why’d you wait so long?  You should have been on Big Brother 9, taken the spike from both Crazy James and Parker and then you’d really have something to talk about when you first meet people.

What kind of parent, let alone a mother, leaves her extra light skinned blue eyed baby and “looks just like her” black child all alone to deal with their first months of life?  I mean, what are they going to drink in lieu of breast milk, Gatorade G2?  “It’s good because my mama like it and if my mama like it, I like it…”  AHNT haa  That’s a horrible commerical by the way, D Wage.. Just awful.   And with their mother gone, whose going to pass along those all so important color issues to the next generation of sellouts and self haters?

Anyway, I’m pretty amp’d for Big Brother.  My tivo was looking pretty dry and anemic, so this should definitely give it a boot along with Generation Kill, From G’s to Gents (lol) and I Love Money.  If yall think of any other shows I need to add to my list, please shout me a holler.

– Lake

VH1’s I Love Money, Season Premiere

Here we go again… From the makers of Flavors of Love 1, 2 and 3, I Love New York 1 and 2, Charm School (clearly we only needed one of those), Rock of Love 1 and 2 (the only show in the bunch I didn’t watch) and A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila 1 and 2 we now have I Love Money.

Look, we all know the deal with these shows. It’s a bunch of Hollywood rejects willing to subject themselves to almost any level of humiliation for a chance at some face time and hopefully their own show. so that they can ultimately get spit out the bottom of the porn industry

errrr flip their newfound success into real showbiz careers.

And we all know that aint gonna happen. So what did they do? Of course, they just kept it real and copied those completely played and similarly sad, though less comical, Real World/Road Rules spin-offs.. You know the Gauntlet, Crucible, Inferno (whatever, though quietly, that new Real World/Road Rules Survivor rip off looks like it has potential) and made the show strictly about money.

Fair enough. So then it’s just a matter of who was on the show. Well you know it wouldn’t be a show without some eye candy. So they brought in Hoopz, which I respect.

And please peep those Hoopz NSFW HERE at your leisure.

And that chick from Beauty and the Geek/Rock of Love Fame:

Don’t know her name and clearly I don’t care. But I’d be lying if I told you she didn’t have that white girl thunder. Incidentally, here are her NSFW (I’m seeing a trend here) Playboy shots. Actually, this chick’s body is what only Brooke Hogan can see when she looks at herself in the mirror. The rest of us see a version of this:

Ha… I know, I know, I just talked Jim Carrey the ‘nother day. Keeping it simple. Sadly, that’s the only real eye candy on the show. And even the skanks lost their limited skank appeal. Sheeeeit, Pumkin looks like she done set out to actually become her namesake.

I mean, homegirl is plump. Anyway, at least they came back with the Stallionaires…which is still one of the worst and best rap group names in all of history. Haaa.

Oh yeah, Chance and Real are back and yes, their album is still “about to come out.”

“Yuckmouth, cuz he don’t brush..” Then you had the usual suspects. Mr. Boston’s unfunny ass. Whiteboy, who should get an Emmy for that ridiculous “based on an untrue story” role he’s playing as a down ass white dude. I know, I know.. ha

Anyway, after that you’ve got an assortment of douchebags (and please don’t take that characterization lightly, I RARELY use that term, but it’s oh so true for this show), trashy hoes and general misfits like that broke ass Bushwick Bill lookin cat Midget Mack, who incidentally got checked the fuck off the show the first night.

Nice. I spoke to Brock about Episode 1 and all in all, it left us a bit underwhelmed. But it’s got potential. I’m just waiting for 12 Pack and his little sidekick there 5 Pack aka Heat (lol) to get up on some gay shit so that we can really set the party off.

I’m also looking for that damn Nibblz to bang some dude out, seeing as she’s a full-time dominatrix (her exact words) and all. Dominatrix? Don’t you mean ho? Oh yes, I’ll be glued to my tv, a least for one more episode.

Oh and it just wouldn’t be right if I didn’t mention all those folks that are missing from the cast. First off, where’s Buckeey.

You gotta have her, especially after that great sex tape I never saw. Also, where is that Gentleman Punk? I thought he was busy trying to show positive images on gutter reality tv….

One spiked strand of moused out hair at a time.

And why couldn’t we get some Buddah back on set. We definitely needed some more of his antics.

Maybe he would have whooped some more ass, something I always appreciate. Oh well, I guess you can’t have it all. Hell, maybe some of these fools actually got their lives together and have moved on to better things….nah. ha

Stallionaires baby…book it.

– Lake

The Bachelorette Season Finale: Deanna Pappas Picks…..Jesse?

Hey, I recognize that it’s pretty terrible that I actually watched the finale of “The Bachelorette,” but there is just something about tv personalities claiming to be “in love” after hitting in the fantasy suite errr spending days upon days in romantic settings with cameras everywhere that brings a smile to my face.

And after all, this season’s bachelorette, Deanna Pappas, was the recipient of my favorite Bachelor beat down of all time when my main man Brad Womack iced down all 25 wanna be actresses errr women looking for love by putting Deanna to sleep in front of everyone with that “I can’t say I lub you, I have to tell you goodbye” double beat down…

AWESOME. Brad was the ultimate pimp and I love him for it.

Anyway, now it was time for Deanna to return the favor and return the favor she did.

Not only did she continue to refer to the “men she was falling in love with” (I know, I know, there is some hyper-technical and completely superficial distinction between loving someone and “falling in love with them”…ahnt And I’m still waiting for someone to tell me the difference between and African Ant Eater and an Aardvark) after each elimination, but she even let a dude get down on his damn knee before bitch slapping him with that solid “no get up, you haf ta git up” rhetoric…LOL.

Ha… Perfect. You spend all this time talking about how you don’t want to hurt anyone like Brad hurt you and by “hurt you” it just means that he didn’t pick your punk ass.

Then you allow a cat that you know full well that you aren’t going to pick get down on one knee with a ring in his hand?

Thanks. Deanna is the worst and I look forward to the news of her break up with Jesse in a clean 6 months. Speaking of Jesse, what in the hell was Deanna thinking with that selection?

I mean, this cat looks like a broke ass stand in for Crocket in a Miami Vice scene that was meant for Tubbs.

Only it’s 2008, not ’87. I know, I know, Deanna picked Jesse because it was true love and NOT because he’s a simple cat who snowboards for a living and gets paid damn well to do it.

Right and Hugh Hefner bangs out three blonds each night for their stimulating conversation and extraordinary minds.

Now the only question left is who will the next bachelor be? That crazy dude who tried to roll back on Deanna after she eliminated him or the dude who Deanna let get down on one knee. Either one will do. I just like the format. A bunch of actors and actresses fighting for true love, getting naked each week, kissing all up on each other and banging out in the fantasy suite. Perfect.

– Lake

I Love Money: Hell Yeah

Seriously, this has potential to be the greatest show of all time.

That picture says it all.  It’s got my boy Chance and the always sexy Hoopz.  Plus all the other crazy chicks from Flavor of Love and the wildest cats from I Love New York.  Just for kicks, they added in the fake J’d out chicks from Rock of Love.

Fine, this is nothing but a copy of the Real World/Road Rules challenge, but there’s a kicker.  At least on the Real World, they try to find half respectable people.  Sure, they all have major personal and psychological problems, but at least they are partially legit.  These cats from Flavor of Love, I Love NY and Rock of Love don’t even have the semblance of legitimacy.  They are all straight clowns and fools.  Caricatures of real people, making no qualms about the fact that they are just out there trying to get famous.

How do you take that dude seriously?  Because he is a Stallionaire?  Why is he wearing slippers?

This cat Midget Mac was just asked how he would spend the money.  His response was “I’d probably give 200 to my momma…and my daddy.  Then the other fifty, I’d probably spend on strippers.  I’m just being real wit’chall.

We’ll Midget Mac wouldn’t have to go far to spend his money.  Half the chicks on this show have got to be in the business.  If they weren’t before, they are now.

You know Toasteee is down.  She looks like a real porn star.  You know.  Cute, but not actually cute.  Looks like she’s seen a few things.  Knows how to slide down a pole upside down, can do he splits and shake one ass cheek on command.  Actually, that was in her audition tape, they showed it about 5 times during the show.

Look, Hoopz seems to be the most legit chick on the show and even she breaks it down like this.

I’ll be watching.  This is more than just a trainwreck.  This is a pile of toy trains wrecking inside of a traincar about to be hit by a wrecking ball that is suspended between two bullet trains heading toward each other at 200 miles per hour.  That means I’ll be tuning in erry single week.

-Brock

New Kind of “Flavor” of Love: Buckeey Sex Tape

Wow, new evidence that the Sex Tape Gods are good.

Remember a few weeks ago when I asked for the gods to bring me a new sex tape? Then remember how I professed my guilty admiration for Shay “Buckeey” Johnson, not once, but twice? Sure you do.

Well, once I came back from my crawfish extravaganza over Memorial Day Weekend I woke up to glorious tales of Buckeey Sex Tapes. I did a quick search and *bang* there it was! And oh yes, IT WAS the Buck-meister herself, showing some skills that certainly can pay her billz. And even better, the dirty deeds all went down to some hilarious and appropriate “Jaws” inspired music. I mean, on the rizzeal, peep that NSFW video right HERE or check out the far less inspiring but completely NSFW still shots right here.

Daaaamn. Can I ask, what’s up with women and that “I just got F’d” look yall get. I mean, if I showed you the above pic and you were mildly familiar with getting some arse, you’d know for certain that someone was just getting deep on this broad. Anyway, I appreciate the effort Shay put into this venture, in fact, I think she should quite whatever career she now proclaims to have and just concentrate on big belly dude sex tapes. And don’t get me wrong, I know mostchicks can handle their basic biz in the bedroom, but it’s just nice to get some confirmation that they definitely can (or in Kim Kardashian’s case, can’t) too. I also appreciated the full on post mic check and back-shot “press conference” where she hooked up the completely gratuitous: “Yes, he just nutted all over me” commentary.

Damn, the blog readers may want to rethink their position on chicken headz, baby mamas, video hoes and gold diggers. Now I see why cats kick it with these broads. I mean, that was like watching Miss New Booty, only better.

Now I’ll need to ax the sex tape gods for that Flavor of Love 3 chick “Black’s” sex tape.

Wow, do yall see that hook on picture two? Jeez, she’s got some thangs going on! I mean, baby girl has a body that won’t quit and anyone that dated TO is alright with me as long as she’s a woman (am I the only one who thinks TO might be a bit suspect?).

Also, I mean, come on. A white girl named “Black;” it just doesn’t get any better than that. Sex Tape Gods, I beseech you, bring me more video and reality hizzies unto me: ooooooooohhhhmmmmm…..

– Lake

————UPDATE——————-

Damn Lake. I thought you never watched. All the previous joints were tapes “you heard about from a guy, to said he might have seen it, and said that if you click here you might be able to go see what I’m talking about.” But I guess Buckeey brought you straight to the raw uncut, huh? Hey, I understand. Aside from Hoopz and the new Ms. Black she’s definitely one of the baddest Flavor of Love chicks out there.

Now wasn’t there a rumor that UvT favorite Andre 3000 was hitting that back in the day? I’m sure he knew nothing about this tape. Andre, did you hit it?

You damn right he hit it…and he’d do it again. Don’t let the gear and interpretational singing fool you. Andre is still straight ATL when he needs to be. The best thing about this tape? All the other tapes are always some dumb shit the chick did years ago before they knew they were going to blow up, or from when “they were in love”…this joint looks like it could have been recorded last week. Great.

-Brock