Man Up Monday (Tuesday Edition): The Republican Party

My man Lake is the political one, so I’m sure he’s going to be working over Governor Palin any moment now.  So the Dems just came off of a successful convention, Hillary finally gave a speech where she she actually acknowledged that she is not longer going to be President of the United States, Bill Clinton did his thing, and Joe Biden was put through his paces.

It went well, and this week was supposed to show the Republican party right after so the American people can really see the differences between the parties.  Wellllllll.  Things aren’t exactly going as planned.  First, McCain cut the analysis of Barack Obama’s speech short by announcing his VP Candidate.  Now I had been working on my Mormon jokes all week and I know CNN had their debate clip package spliced up just right, but the ol maverick hit everyone with a curveball.

Sarah Palin?  Really?  Who is she?  No really, who is she?  Because of this wild choice, the word of the week in now “vetting”.  First, the Republicans asked George Bush what it meant, and he said “Vettin?  Ain’t that where you poke on them animals, and fix em up?”

Good one chief.  You’re an idiot.

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.

Anyway, the Republicans must think vetting is derived from the military policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell” because they apparently didn’t run this decision by any damn body.  OK?  I mean I vet my appitezer and dinner order with the table harder than they worked this decision around the circuit.  I mean damn, can it get worse?

Yes, Yes it can.

Not that underage sex and teen pregnancy.  Nice.  Those are family values at work.

Then they get to deal with this during their party convention.

Talk about raiiiieeeeaaaaiin on your wedding day.  Isn’t it ironic?  Don’t ya think?

That just sucks right there.  Especially since Bush and Brownie realllllly got that one wrong last time.

Even George Bush, sole possessor of the title of worst approval ratings ever can’t take it.

So Republicans.  You’re starting to look desperate.  Sarah Palin is not Hillary Clinton, ok?  Repeating things over and over does not make them true or any more convincing.  Also, until you solve the circular argument of: Barack Obama is not experienced enough to be President; Sarah Palin has the same qualifications as Barack Obama; Sarah Palin is ready to be Commander in Chief, I don’t want to hear anything else from you.

I’m sure you have something in the ol Republican handbook that still holds water.  Roll that puppy out and ride it into Friday.  Just believe in yourself.  Man Up!

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Olympic Recap

While I didn’t stay up until 2:30am EST (although I guess the start time of that game could have made some sense on the west coast) when Espana had it at four at the two and a half minute mark, I thought Man Up Monday was about to be for the “Redeem Team” and all of USA Basketball.

Then the Black Mamba took over.  (Did he give himself that nickname?  Seriously, where did that come from?)  It does answer my question of whether Kobe can switch on him dominance like a switch  The answer is apparently yes.  That three at the three minute mark with nothing but a jab step from twenty something feet was craaaaazy.  I do like how they just call him “Mamba” now.  Which is not only a deadly snake, but also a delicious candy.  Chew, Chew, Chew chew Mamba!

This time I’ve got a whole bunch of man up moments.  The first goes to German Sprinter Tobais Unger.  Check out this bitchin’ and moanin’.

Unger voiced his complaints about the Jamaican sprinter to BILD sport, saying: “Bolt didn’t even warm up for the semi final. He showed up in shorts and jogging shoes, did his pickups and practice starts, put on his spikes and then ran the 100m in 9.92 seconds.

“Bolt ran a time of 9.8 seconds in May and again at the end of September. He showed no tiredness during training,” an annoyed Unger added.

“They do whatever they want on their island. Nothing happens to them. I’m the only one here at the Olympics who is registering with the doping controllers.”

Bolt apparently didn’t even know how to fill out the doping forms. The American sprinters’ coaches actually laughed when they heard about German doping controls.

Unger, who was cut in the semi-finals, threatened to quit: “I just don’t have the desire anymore.”

And by, “I don’t have the desire anymore”, he means, “I can’t beat any of these people and get into the finals”.  Come on Tobias, we’ve already established that the melanin challenged can’t make the finals of the 100m dash.  Give it up.

Oh, and Usain Bolt just called Us Versus Them HQ with a message for you.  Here’s where you can take that shit.

I also need whoever decides which sports make the Olympic games to man up.  After swimming ended it all went downhill from there.  I was looking for Olympic Hoops and ended up catching…uhhhh Mountain Biking.  This shit was crazy.  It looked like someone ran some tape around some trees and had cats just ride around in the woods.  Up a hill, down a hill around a corner, not enough room to pass each other.  Stupid.  Not to mention the fact that X Games BMX biking in a half pipe makes the cut now too.  How about Badminton?  Why?  Handball?  Seriously, where is that popular?  If you going to do that, why can’t Jai Alai get in there?

That guy wants a gold medal too.  He’s got a helmet and a hook thingy attached on his arm.  He’s a badass.  What about football?  (and the first asshole that points out that the Olympics has “Futbol” gets kicked in the teeth)  Let’s get Ultimate Fighting in there too.  They’ve already got wrestling, boxing, and tae kwon do in there, why not kick it up and drop em in the Octagon?  Anderson Silva needs a gold medal too.  Oh and China, I don’t want to hear about how you “won” the Olympics either.  You won on table tennis, air rifle and the aforementioned badminton.  Just stop.

Oh and a final man up to this dude.

Yes I’m talking about the guy on the right.  My man Matos did not like that disqualification, ok?

So all of the above.  MAN UP!

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Tyson Gay

The Olympics are more than halfway over.  USA is still up in the medal count(although the Chinese would probably like to point out the fact they have more Gold medals – ignoring the fact that 16 of their total medals are in Badminton and Shooting).  You know America has been pushing their Olympic heroes in advertising for months now.  Michael Phelps certainly worked out, but several Olympic athletes did not.  Starting with the Hamm brothers in Gymnastics, both went down with injury at the last second.  The US Gymnastics team got the Silver in the team competition (due to the still mysteriously sexy Alicia Sacramone.  More on her tomorrow.)  But not since the Dan and Dave debacle of 1992 has an Olympic athlete flamed out like this.

Tyson Gay was America’s best hope for capturing the title of “World’s Fastest Man”.  He was even on the cover of the Olympic Games video game.  (Madden Curse, getting stronger?  Brett, watch your back!)  Let’s ignore the fact that every other meet he has to walk around with the word “gay” pinned to his unitard…not the most intimidating presence on the track I’d say, but hey what can he do?

Anyway, Tyson Gay pulled up at the Olympic trials a few months ago with a bad hammy.  Luckily he had already qualified for the 100 meter dash so he still got to go to the Olympics.

See, this is for all of the people who believe we should send our “stars” no matter what happens to them in the trials.  I say if they are supposed to win, they are supposed to win the trials too.  So Tyson shows up and makes it through the prelims, but doesn’t even get to the finals.  He didn’t even make the finals.  Daaaaamn Homey.  You used to be the Maaaaaan Homey!  I knew it too.

Look at my man’s face.  All my track people out there know his face is too tight.  I mean he looks like he is trying to get rid of Michael Phelps’ daily diet.  He’s making that face Mike Epps made in “All about the Benjamins” when he was making fun of the old dude.  Seben-fittay.  You cna’t win when you are straining it out like that.  How does one of our national heroes get beat before he even gets to the finals.  You know America, we’d rather not show up than get beat on the track.

The real problem…it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.  Usain Bolt DESTROYED the field.  Can you find Usain Bolt in this picture?

Don’t look over by the runners in the picture.  Look waaaaaay over there to the right after the finish line.  I had to go wide screen on it he won by so much.  I mean Bolt is damn near putting his warmups back on and eating his post race snack before the rest of the “greatest athletes in the world” even cross the finish line.  And he ran a 9.69.  And he started clowing and high-stepping like Deion Sanders at the 80 meter mark.  And he rocked the carzy point it out pose before the race.

These pics are so crazy.

Is this guy playing a video game?  I guess that 6’5″ really matters in this sport.  I hope the dude doesn’t go all Ben Johnson on us because this is amazing.  By the way, two quick questions.  Are genetics really so strong that there isn’t a single individual of Nordic and/or European, Eastern Bloc descent that can even get near the semi-finals of this race?  I mean there are no melanin challenged individuals in the arena when this race goes down.  Do the brothers have it on lock like this?  I don’t like to perpetuate stereotypes, (yeah, right) but damn.  Also, when did the Jamaican’s corner the market on fast?  Three Jamacians in the mens and the womens finals in the 100.  That is crazy for such a small country.  Tell the bobsled team to step their game up.

Tyson Gay…Man Up!

-Brock

———–UPDATE—————

Tyson.  Carl Lewis called.  Even he said you need to man up.  That’s.  Not.  Good.

I’m just sayin’.

Man(ny) Up Monday: The Sellers Remorse Edition

So much happened this week.  The Olympics are starting, John Edwards just got exposed for hitting on the side, but this is a very special edition of Man Up Monday…we’re going to cover sellers remorse.

First, as the baseball trade deadline approached, the Red Sox cut Manny Ramirez loose.  He was too much trouble.  He doesn’t run out flyballs in right field.  He makes calls from inside the green monster.  Apparently he didn’t have any more use for the Boston Red Sox.

Well, since the trade, Manny is hitting .600 with four knocks and 11 RBI’s.  I don’t even like baseball, but I think I want that guy around my team.

How do you feel about that performance Theo?

Do you think you should have kept him?

Easy fella, don’t cry.  You got Jason Bay.  I’m sure he’ll be a real stud.  I’m sure all the fans in Boston really appreciate it.  You better hope Manny cools off, or those fans in Beantown are going to start tracking you down in the streets.  Hey, even Manny doesn’t know why you did it.

Don’t worry, this isn’t all about you.  There is another team setting up to catch a major case of sellers remorse.  In fact it might be the biggest case in history.

Brett Favre is a Jet?  Wow, what the hell is that about?  I know the Packers were in a bad spot, but I guess a fourth round draft pick looks good when you were willing to pay $25 million just to make the dude stay away.  At least you got something for it.

Packers, you’re next.  If Brett makes the Jets winners, you will all look like assholes.  Oh, and tell Aaron Rogers to keep the chinstrap on tight.  He’s gonna be taking hits everyday of the week.  Not just on Sundays.

Never Look Back.  Man Up!

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Martin Lawrence

I didn’t want to do this.  I really didn’t.  I used to love Martin Lawrence, I’ve got every episode of his show memorized.  But I can’t take it anymore.

I mean he was funny as hell back then.  Ol’ Otis the security guard, Tyrone, even Shenehneh even though I’m not really down with the cross-dressing shits.  Even after that, Martin hit us with Bad Boys, Nothing to Lose (which is quietly hilarious), Life, Blue Streak (even though Dave Chappelle killed it in his small part).  Then it was over.   Big Momma’s house seems to be the turning point.

When was the last time this dude was funny?  I just saw two horrible joints back to back.  College Road Trip and Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins.

I mean those two joints were mothafackin turrible.  I mean I was trapped on an airplane for 5 hours when they showed that damn College Road Trip and I still almost didn’t finish it.  I voluntarily watched Roscoe Jenkins, but the bad part was, everyone was funny but Martin Lawrence.  The trailer seemed funny, but it just didn’t all come together right.

Why does this always happen?  All the great comedians fall off, can’t my generation get one comedian that doesn’t go out like a complete punk?  Where’s out Richard Pryor?  Our Redd Foxx?  Our Bill Cosby?  Martin Lawrence…lost it.  Eddie Murphy…fell off.  Chris Tucker…I barely remember him being funny at all he’s so terrible now.  Dave Chappelle might be done now too, I just haven’t seen him do anything at all since he disappeared into Africa after the Chappelle’s Show debacle.  He’ll probably come back dressed like a woman too and it will be the beginning of the end of his career.  It will be his Big Momma’s Norbit, Doubtfire, Ruby Rhod moment.

So what went wrong? I’ve pinpointed it.  The leather suit.  You can’t be funny without the leather suit.  I know this sounds like barbershop logic, but hear me out.  Watch.

Funny.

Not funny.

Funny.

Not funny.

Funny.

Not funny. And from the look on his face, he knows it.

Who’s left?  Chris Rock?  Jamie Foxx?  Someone let them know to keep the closet stocked with the leather jumpsuit or their career is in serious jeopardy.  If you ask Lake, he’s already convinced that “Fur is the new Funny”.  Look, I’m down for whatever works at this point.

Martin I need to to sit down at the crib, put “You So Crazy” on repeat, break out the leather suit and get back to basics.  You were one of the best.  Now man up and get your swagger back.

Martin, Man Up!

-Brock

Man Up Monday: HBO Boxing

My Man Money J was getting so hyped up for the Miguel Cotto v. Antonio Margarito fight that he actually got me hype enough to order the PPV.  For Boxing.  Which I had not done in a very long time.  But looking at the history, I was ready for this one.

This picture pretty much sums up the fight.  For those of you who don’t know Cotto (on the left) comes into the fight undefeated, never been knocked out, and has blazed through some of the nastiest middleweights out there.  Zab Judah, Sugar Shane Mosely, Alfonzo Gomez.  You can’t say the dude is ducking the tough competition. 

Although Zab Judah had already taken this ass whoopin’ from Kostya Tszyu prior to the fight.

…and yes you are correct, I will use any excuse to put that clip up.  It gets better every time I watch it.

Margarito wins some, and he loses some (37-5) but comes in with that classic heart of a Mexican fighter and clearly also has a sense of humor when it comes to fashion.

I wasn’t expecting too much from this fight, but it turned into a real classic.  By the 5th round I thought it was going to be a judgment call.  Cotto was landing more precise punches, but was back-pedaling the entire fight.  Margarito was throwing 100 punches around that were getting blocked, but was moving forward like he was the damn T-1000.

By the 8th round, I still thought Cotto was getting in the better punches, but Margarito was just not getting hurt at all.  I mean I don’t know if he is like Samson and the Mullet was giving him power, but he took more punches yet looked fresher than a new pair of Jordan’s.

So the first Man Up of the day goes to Miguel Cotto for taking those bitch-ass knees during the fight.  Either go down or quit.  The mid round timeouts are not cool.  Either you are a warrior in the ring or you quit.  While it is hard for me to tell a man to risk his health in a boxing ring, but I’d rather see him take that knee and stay down than try to get up and take another knee.

I know, I know, some people just don’t like to throw in the towel.

The next Man Up goes to the announcing team at HBO.  Man up and permanently replace Larry Merchant with Max Kellerman.

Sure Kellerman seems like a complete asshole, but he knows his stuff and I am not willing to listen to anymore of Larry Merchant’s rambling bullshit.

Also, Jim Lampley.  We know you love the sport of boxing, but you are completely overselling it against MMA.  Look, you have a job to do and are the best in the game, but I don’t want to hear about how Cotto Margarito is on par with the Patriots undefeated season, Tiger’s win at the US Open, the Celtics and Red Sox Championships, and Kyle Busch winning a whole bunch of races down on Nascar BEFORE the fight starts.  I’d like my PPV without the extra helping of hyperbole…thanks.

The next thing that needs to man up is Emanuel Stewards hairline.

As a matter of fact I need his barber to man up too.  Dammit, why doesn’t Manny Steward ever have a shape up?

So to all the people at HBO Boxing…Man Up!  Except you Michael Buffer…you cool.

But you already knew that.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Brett Favre is Back

It is our first repeat performance, Brett Favre put in another week of bitchassness to get a second consecutive Man Up Monday.

You know the crazy thing about Brett Favre?  We all know he’s a cowboy asshole, but I’m not sure he knows it.  One thing is for certain, Brett Favre sure looooves him some Brett Favre.  I mean, this guy is always Brett Favre first and everyone else second.  It shows up when he tries to throw into triple coverage because he thinks he’s the only man in the history of the world who can do it.  It has been showing every time he didn’t retire for the last few years.

This is what Brett Favre looks like when he is not retiring.

So here’s what Brett did this week.

He had an interview with Greta Van Susteren, Wisconsin native and Packers shareholder.  Nice one.  Way to jump right into the hard hitting interview.  Way to step outside of anyone who knows anything about sports and football.  Drunk Joe Namath would’ve asked more pointed questions.  Hell, they could have agreed on one thing, neither of them could care less about the team strug-ga-ling.

Then Brett makes the announcement that he might show up at Packers camp to call their bluff.  What bluff is that Brett?  The bluff that they couldn’t possibly want anyone other than you to be quarterback?  Distracting and holding the Packers hostage so they can never play with anyone other than him?

Favre is going to stick it to the Pack this year.  The Vikings are supposedly in the mix and being investigated for tampering.  Can you imagine Favre and A. Pete rolling into Lambeau?  Ugly.  You upgrade Tavaris Jackson to Brett Favre?  Actually, the Vikings would still suck.  Brett just needs to go away or formally become the GM of some program so he can hire himself as QB.

Brett, Man Up and head back home.  You know good and well the Packers can’t make this decision without looking like assholes.  Your real retirement as a Packer is going to be tarnished now, and no one wants to see you wearing anything but green and yellow.

See, that doesn’t even look right.

Brett, I told ya last week, now you need to listen to me.

Man Up!

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Brett Favre

Brett Favre must think that “retire” is what you do when your car gets a flat because he sure as hell has no intention of quitting football.  Just FYI Brett, here is the real definition: “to withdraw, or go away or apart, to a place of privacy, shelter, or seclusion”.  Got it?  Go away, withdraw, get out, stop.  Brett, you’ve got the ring, you’ve got the MVP’s, you’ve got the touchdown record, you’ve got the yardage record, you are a first ballot Hall Of Famer, you define the modern Green Bay Packers, and you’ve had a great 16 year career.  By the way, remember this?

Riiiiiight, that was when you promised yourself that you wouldn’t get emotional, told everyone you were hanging it up, when you decided to stop holding the Packers and Aaron Rogers hostage.

Come on Brett, what is it really?  You always say it is the love of the game, you claim that you’ve still got it, people at a high school in Mississippi still talk about you throwing it 50 yards “on a rope”. Hey Brett, you can come clean with me:

Deanna looks like a nice lady.  Is it that bad staying at home?  Does Deanna need to step her game up or something?  I’ve never seen a man who wants to stay on the road more than you do bruh.  When I first heard the news, I knew at least these chicks would be happy.

Naaaaaah, their pissed too.  Because long about 2 hours after Brett tried to rescind his retirement, he also dropped the formal letter asking for his unconditional release.  Which means he can roll anywhere he wants, including a division rival, a title contender, anyone.  Unconditional?  Probably not.  Look, don’t get me wrong the Packers are more than ready to start the post-Favre era…BUT they aren’t going to do it if you are going to be showing up in a Bears uniform whooping ass in Green Bay twice a season anytime soon.

You know what, I knew when I saw you throw that pick in overtime that you were going to come back, there was no chance you were going to let that be your final pass.  Fun fact, the first pass that Brett Favre ever threw in the NFL was in Atlanta…was an interception…and it got run back for a touchdown.  Classic Favre right there.

You know what, this one is going to sound backwards.  Normally Man Up Monday is about sacking up, stepping up, and making it happen.  This time, it takes a bigger man to step down.  Just like I told Hillary, there is a time to pack it up and go home for the good of the Packers, for the good of the future of the league, and for your own damn good.  Besides you are already on the cover of Madden.  You’re cursed.  They tried to pick a retired player to avoid players ducking the cover, we’ll you just brought yourself back and right into the crosshairs of one of the nastiest bad luck streaks ever.

Brett, man up and stay home.  The best players in the game have passed you by.  Don’t go all Vinnie Testaverde on us, ok?

Man Up!

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Rafael Nadal

Rafa Nadal finally Manned Up yesterday and took out Roger Federer at Wimbledon.

Do you realize that Rafael Nadal holds the record for longest time at Number 2 in the world?  That has to be the worst record in the world.  That basically means that someone out there has been dominating you for the last five years…that someone would be Roger Federer who has been number one and has not lost Wimbledon in since 2002.

It took Nadal all day, five hours of play, five sets and nine games in the fifth to get it done, but he finally did it just before nightfall on the grass in England.  Rafael Nadal straight dominated Federer at the French Open, but everyone wrote him off because he is so damn good on clay.  We’ll he came to Wimbledon and did it again.  The crazy thing, he stil isn’t number one in the world.

I guess Roger Federer tried to write off his loss at the French Open as “being tired”…I got news for you R. Fed, that’s isn’t called getting tired unless you are willing to be tired for the rest of your life, it is called getting old and you might never get it back again.

Just ask Pete Sampras how it felt when you started whooping his ass.  Pete just went on ahead and retired, you might need to give him a call for a little advice.

Sure this is the first time that Man Up Monday highlights someone who already manned up.  But I had to give Rafael his props.  He definitely got it done for himself and Spain.

R. Fed, you are going to need to make it happen at the U.S. Open or people are going to be saying it is all over.  Good Luck, you’ve got a month and a half to man up or you can kiss that #1 ranking goodbye.

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Superdelegates

It’s time.

By Tuesday, when Montana and South Dakota get the job done, the people will have spoken.  It is time for our elected and former leaders to jump off the fence and lead.  Even Puerto Rico already has their vote in, and they don’t even get to vote in November.

By all accounts, Barack Obama will be within about 30 votes of the new finish line by Tuesday night.  That means that about 20 percent of the remaining superdelegates have to go Obama’s way to clinch the win.  Of course, if you listen to Hillary, that isn’t the way you are supposed to win.

HIllary is winning if you fully count Michigan and Florida, don’t give Obama any of the uncommitted votes from Michigan, don’t count the caucuses (including the all important Iowa caucus), add the people who voted for American Idol, light some votive candles, and rewind the calendar back to January when she actually had a lead for a few days.  So take that!

So here is your time superdelegates.  Man up!  Hell, I won’t even hold you to Monday, you can have until Thursday to get it done.  Thanks.

-Brock