Lakers Going to the NBA Finals

Daaaaamn. I honestly didn’t think they would last this long. The Spurs just got dethroned and the Lakers has survived the roughest Western Conference in recent memory to make it to the NBA Finals. Kobe has got to feel good turning this:

Into this:

And you know he wants nothing more than to do it without this.

You know Kobe can’t wait to prove he can win without Shaq. Although I don’t want to see it and Detroit will still win their series, I think if it is Lakers versus Boston in the NBA finals the universe might just explode as the time space continuum is ripped to shreds. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll watch it, as long as they don’t break out the short shorts again.

Terrible.

-Brock

Sharon Stone Has Bad Karma

Sharon Stone was kicking it in Cannes when someone caught her on the red carpet and asked her what she thought about the earthquakes in China.  I guess Sharon ripped off some rant on how China’s actions against Tibet are wrong and that the earthquake that killed thousands of people is somehow karma coming back to punish the country.

Nice Sharon, as an actress your opinions on the metaphysical world and the forces beyond our control affect the universe.  Great, thanks.  Well if you believe in karma, you better watch out.  Basic Instinct 2 really sucked.  You can’t be done paying for that one.

Look Sharon.  You’re still riding off of a moment in a movie where you unexpectedly showed your cooch 16 years ago.  It’s probably time to go away.

-Brock

E.V.O.Oops: Rachel Ray leads the Jihad

Everyones favorite annoying cook stirred up a little controversy, or should I say her stylist stirred up some controversy when she got a little too edgy in a dunkin donuts ad.

Come on people.  Rachel is just trying to sell some Iced Latte.  She thought the little scarf with the strings was super-duper, yum-o or one of her other annoying little catch phrases.  The controversy is that little stringy scarf is a keffiyeh, the scarf worn by some jihadist terrorists.

Is it really that deep?  They made Dunkin Donuts rip their little add down.  Do you think Rachel Ray is packing a bomb in that latte?  Even Yasir Arafat thinks that is ridiculous.

We’ll if this is no longer cool there are suddenly thousands of wannabe hipsters in New York that suddenly ain’t got shit to wear this weekend.  Somebody tell Chris Brown.

And tell Colin Farrell

I guess the mainstream media just found this trend.  Trust me, by time a fashion trend makes the cut in a Dunkin Donuts ad with Rachel Ray, it is officially over.  Anyway, if Rachel Ray is interested in giving people some extracurricular activities, she needs to get back to hitting people with this.

Now that is a statement I can support.

-Brock

The New Meaning of Banana in the Tailpipe

I don’t want to write this. It is literally the craziest thing I’ve ever heard of. Hey look, I don’t know what the loyal Us Versus Them readers do in their personal lives, but I’ve been exposed to a lot of things. You know how you can imagine the craziest, most fucked up thing possible? But then there are things that are so wild that you can’t possibly think it is real? This is one of those things. Take a look at this:

Car and car model. Simple right. You may check out the car and appreciate the design, but you also check out the woman, nice j’s, thick through the thigh, proper arch of the back to try to show she’s working with something. That is why they put half dressed women in pictures of cars, so that someone might actually pause on a page that they might normally just breeze by. Well, there are people among us that are looking at the car. Not because they like cars…because they like cars. These freaks see this:

I’m talking headlights and tailpipes. There are apparently “Mechaphiliacs” out there who have sex with cars, and this guy, Edward Smith, is apparently the Wilt Chamberlain of fucking cars because he claims to have tailpiped over 1,000 motor vehicles. Like Hugh Hefner, he’s settled down with a Herbie the Luv Bug look-alike named “vanilla” that he calls his “girlfriend”.

So where the rest of us see this:

Sure there’s a mini cooper, and that chick might be terrible, and those stripper heels are completely unacceptable, but everyone checks the thong. Ed only sees this:

What a sick, sick dude. Ed, when R. Kelly said “You remind me of my Jeep” he meant that he wanted to ride the babe he was with like his favorite whip. What he didn’t do was meet a chick in the club and think to himself, “I can’t wait to get home and jump in the backseat and bang out my cup holders. Meanwhile, no one should ever ride with Ed anywhere, ever, not never, evaevaeva.

The craziest and most disturbing thing? Ed ain’t by himself. Check out this dude’s breakdown of hitting your favorite ride from the back doe armed with nothing but a beer coozy, some tape and some leverage. Here’s an excerpt.

If the engine has been on for a long (or even a relatively short)
period of time, the tailpipe will be hot.  Do not do anything with the
tailpipe hot.  Wait until the tailpipe has cooled off.  The tailpipe will
cool off faster than the engine, so you don't have long to wait.  I call
screwing the car while the tailpipe is hot, "fucking the car hot".
Never fuck a car hot.  I did, once.  Once.

Really? Who does this? What makes you go at it the first time? Is there a gateway vehicle? A bike where the seat rides up, or a motorcycle with a bad attitude? Do Pedomechanaphiliacs have a bunch of Power Wheels locked up in their basement? He goes on to talk about how sharp tailpipes are and why you need to watch out for soot. You’re dealing with an expert.

Here’s my question. If they like this, does that make them gay?

-Brock.

Kobe Does it Jackass Style

We saw Kobe jump the Aston Martin, but he’s not done. Check this out:

Nike does it again. They are figuring out how to create viral video. I guess Kobe is fun again. They’ve got him switching shoes at halftime of games talking about how he wanted to be comfortable and get in rhythm in the first half, then wanted to take the game over so he switched to the Black Mambas in the second half. That is actually funny and great selling.

That is a far cry from this:

Damn. I almost forgot how icy Vanessa was. Whoooooo weeeeee. Kobe paid the price on that one.

By the way. Why is it just the fringe Jackasses still doing this shit? Where’s Johnny Knoxville? Where is Steve-O? These are just the dumbasses who will do anything.

-Brock

For Old Times Sake: Kim Kardashian

Sure she hasn’t made a sex tape recently (that we’ve seen…yet), but Kimmy K still wants to let you know she’s got the best tail game in the business.

Still crazy after all these years.

She even drops it low with not a scrap of draws in sight.

-Brock

BUSTED: Joakim Noah Smokes The Dope

This really isn’t news so I’ll give it a few seconds of actual story time until I move on to more worthy pursuits.  But Joakim Noah, the back-to-back NCAA Basketball National Champion and Chicago Bull Forward, just got busted for possession the hippie lettuce and unauthorized public liquor sippin the ‘nother day in Florida.

I know, I know, the next thing I’ll tell you is that water is wet, R. Kelly enjoys pissing on teens and the Yankees Suck this year.  Believe me, Joakim Noah smoking tweed is about as much of a lock as you can possibly get in life. 

And while we’re at it, hell, why not, let’s just go ahead and roll back that ridiculous celebration dance homey pulled last year.

Hard to imagine that dude is on some banned substances, huh?  And even better, his pops doesn’t understand what all the fuss is about, hmmmm, I wonder why?

“In the newspapers, there’s a lot of talk about my son who is 23 and has a drink with his friends and who is caught with a joint in his pocket,” said Noah senior.

“He called me. He said: ‘Dad, I think I’ve blundered’. I said: ‘Yes, it’s a mistake but it’s not serious. Don’t change. Make me happy, don’t let it happen again’.”

Hey, it’s hard to fault pops for taking the smooth and easy approach when he can smoke the finest herbs over in Paris with an assortment of extra light skinned bunnies he seems to hold in his pockets like so many nickels and dimes (Godfather I reference).

Yannick is so pimp.  I’m sure Joakim needs some “home grown” to just get his mind off how much cooler his pops is than him.  Anyway, While I was looking up the particulars on this Joakim “blunder” I noticed something: Joakim’s sister Yelena Noah is pretty decent.

Whoops, that’s “Black” from Flavor of Love 3.. not sure how she got in there… Yelana?

Very nice.. now lean with it…

Ahhh, interesting, but only average.  Maybe she needs to be glammed up a bit:

Better, but still unimpressive.  Hey, mid post, I’ve reversed myself.  Not only is this babe not UvT quality, but now I finally know how Pac felt on “Hit Em Up” when he pronounced, “I don’t even know why I’m on this mufuckin track,” because this chick is scarcely post worthy.  To cleanse my palate let me lace up one of Yannick Noah’s ladies of yore, Heather Stewart Whyte, his second wife.

Now she was/is Euro-flow, Bolivian Marching Powder, celery for breakfast, lunch and dinner hot.  Sheeeeiit, she was even Maxim ugly American hot…

Hell, she’s even got some Not Safe For Work street cred right here.  I like it.  Sheeeeit, Heather saved my post.  Can’t have the “you’re ho game is weak” boo birds blowing up my celly like last week. 

– Lake

New Kind of “Flavor” of Love: Buckeey Sex Tape

Wow, new evidence that the Sex Tape Gods are good.

Remember a few weeks ago when I asked for the gods to bring me a new sex tape? Then remember how I professed my guilty admiration for Shay “Buckeey” Johnson, not once, but twice? Sure you do.

Well, once I came back from my crawfish extravaganza over Memorial Day Weekend I woke up to glorious tales of Buckeey Sex Tapes. I did a quick search and *bang* there it was! And oh yes, IT WAS the Buck-meister herself, showing some skills that certainly can pay her billz. And even better, the dirty deeds all went down to some hilarious and appropriate “Jaws” inspired music. I mean, on the rizzeal, peep that NSFW video right HERE or check out the far less inspiring but completely NSFW still shots right here.

Daaaamn. Can I ask, what’s up with women and that “I just got F’d” look yall get. I mean, if I showed you the above pic and you were mildly familiar with getting some arse, you’d know for certain that someone was just getting deep on this broad. Anyway, I appreciate the effort Shay put into this venture, in fact, I think she should quite whatever career she now proclaims to have and just concentrate on big belly dude sex tapes. And don’t get me wrong, I know mostchicks can handle their basic biz in the bedroom, but it’s just nice to get some confirmation that they definitely can (or in Kim Kardashian’s case, can’t) too. I also appreciated the full on post mic check and back-shot “press conference” where she hooked up the completely gratuitous: “Yes, he just nutted all over me” commentary.

Damn, the blog readers may want to rethink their position on chicken headz, baby mamas, video hoes and gold diggers. Now I see why cats kick it with these broads. I mean, that was like watching Miss New Booty, only better.

Now I’ll need to ax the sex tape gods for that Flavor of Love 3 chick “Black’s” sex tape.

Wow, do yall see that hook on picture two? Jeez, she’s got some thangs going on! I mean, baby girl has a body that won’t quit and anyone that dated TO is alright with me as long as she’s a woman (am I the only one who thinks TO might be a bit suspect?).

Also, I mean, come on. A white girl named “Black;” it just doesn’t get any better than that. Sex Tape Gods, I beseech you, bring me more video and reality hizzies unto me: ooooooooohhhhmmmmm…..

– Lake

————UPDATE——————-

Damn Lake. I thought you never watched. All the previous joints were tapes “you heard about from a guy, to said he might have seen it, and said that if you click here you might be able to go see what I’m talking about.” But I guess Buckeey brought you straight to the raw uncut, huh? Hey, I understand. Aside from Hoopz and the new Ms. Black she’s definitely one of the baddest Flavor of Love chicks out there.

Now wasn’t there a rumor that UvT favorite Andre 3000 was hitting that back in the day? I’m sure he knew nothing about this tape. Andre, did you hit it?

You damn right he hit it…and he’d do it again. Don’t let the gear and interpretational singing fool you. Andre is still straight ATL when he needs to be. The best thing about this tape? All the other tapes are always some dumb shit the chick did years ago before they knew they were going to blow up, or from when “they were in love”…this joint looks like it could have been recorded last week. Great.

-Brock

Duke Lax Choked in the NCAAs….

Good, now you suckers can concentrate on school errrr your completely credible lawsuits against the same school you have the audacity to play Lacrosse for.  No love.  I laughed when “we” lost.  Go ‘Cuse!!!!  Jerks.

– Lake

Tropic Thunder: This Looks Hilarious

Robert Downey Jr. is in the movie of the year. No, not Iron Man…Tropic Thunder. Wait hear me out on this. Here’s Robert Downey Jr.

Everyone knows RDJ. But here he is in Tropic Thunder as Kirk Lazarus:

Offended by his black face performance? Sure, maybe at first, but somehow it works. Here’s the joke, Downey Jr is playing a white man who is playing a white man who is cast as a Black man in a movie. So he commits hard and stays in character no matter what. Seriously, you’ve got to watch this

That looks like it is worth seeing.

-Brock