Big Brother 10: Ollie is a Son of A…

Preacher man.  What did you think I was going to say?

For those who aren’t up on Big Brother 10 (and why not?  This is solid summer programming)  Let me tell you about Ollie (real name Bryan Ollie).  This brother is the son of a preacher, has never had a sip of the devils nectar (he doesn’t drink), doesn’t curse, doesn’t smoke, played Football on full scholarship at Iowa State.  His father’s church is the real deal.  I’m talking faith healing, speaking in tongues, the whole nine.  I mean he really sounds like a good wholesome dude.

Oh and another thing?  Ollie is banging out April, the blonde haired white girl in the house like the next time might be his last time.

I’m talking about in broad daylight under a blanket.  I’m talking about in night vision.  Not to mention the fact that there is a straight up 24 hour a day live webcam feed going on in the house.  That means that everytime they get busy, that joint is being beamed all over the world live.

Now I haven’t been to church in a long time, but who cares if you don’t drink when you will cut on the internet live?  I doesn’t seem that impressive if you flaunt your principles and you are having sex every which-a-way.  Aren’t we picking our sins here?

I’m sure Ollie has the “I LV GSUS” licence plate.  I’m sure he doesn’t eat pork because he does not “partake in the cloven hoof”.  He is probably firm in his belief that all Jews and Muslims are going straight to hell because they have not accepted Jesus as their lord and savior.  Unprotected, premarital sex?  Hey, everyone needs one vice, right?

Look, normally I wouldn’t point this out, but Ollie ain’t making love here.  Once April won some privacy up in the HOH room, Ollie started fuckin.  I mean gettin it.  Don’t believe me?  Peep this. (NSFW, don’t turn up the volume either)

There hasn’t been night vision action like that since Paris Hilton.  It really starts getting loose at long about the 2:50 mark.  I didn’t watch it, but that is what I hear.  I mean slap it up, flip it, rub it down Ohhnooooooooo!

Look, when I saw that Ollie was that classic, comfortable with everyone football player, but I didn’t know he could run game like that.  I mean is it part of what they cover in practice?

That’s not Ollie, but you can tell they we’re trained in the game at the same school.  Look at this cat.  Got six chicks throwing the shocker.

Ollie.  You have one of the strongest games I’ve ever seen on Big Brother.  In fact, you might be the US Reality pimp of all time.  Sure your lady let an old dude grab her j’s on national tv as soon as she walked into the house, but she’s still a catch.  Oh, and she caught you giving Janelle a little too much love the other night.  Blonde girls are your kryptonite, huh?

Play on Playa.  Us Versus Them salutes you.

-Brock

Can Someone Come Get Lake’s Little Sister?

Lake,

We need to talk.  I know you like kicking it with the brothers.  I know you’ve grown to like fat asses, appreciate the thick white woman, and enjoy the hip-hop music.  This is important.  We’ve got more than 2.5 Million hits, you are a role model now.  But I’m not talking about the loyal UvT readers.  I’m talking about your little sister…Jane Arlington.

When was the last time you saw Jane?  Have you ever met ‘yo girl’ Lil’ J?  I didn’t think so.  Here was her message to a schoolyard rival:

Lake, I’ve got something to share with you.  You’re cool, it’s all good with me.  But putting on her ‘black’ voice and talking all this shit is bound to get your little sister’s ass whooped!  It is time for an intervention.  Take her webcam, shut down her myspace page, and turn on some Friends reruns, or Seinfeld, something…damn.  Thanks.

Your Boy,

-Brock

Lakers rock the throwback shawt shorts

This is what Kevin Garnett looked like during Sunday’s game.

But it wasn’t because of a blow he sustained to the dome. Oh no, his eyes started bleeding like this as soon as the Lakers took off the warm up sweats and headed to center court for the opening tip!

And can you blame him? And though I thought nothing could EVER top those shorts, look at homeys footers? I mean, WTF is that?!?!!!! I never though it until now, but the Lakes may need to consider a colors change…either that or just bold them joints up some. Goodness.

“Now I aint gonna tell you again, stop rubbin’ up all close to me on those screens.”

Hot dammit, in case you didn’t hear, the Lakers went with the Kurt Rambis throwback uniforms for their game against the Boston Celtics on Sunday. Now normally that wouldn’t be a big deal, but this time they rocked the old school shawt shorts too! Whooo wee, it wasn’t pretty.

Damn. John Stockton and Jeff Hornacek would be proud. You know there’s something wrong when the caption legitimately reads “more thigh than KFC ” and we’re talking about Derek Fisher.

I hate that Luke Walter looks completely normal in those shorts… By the way, how did Luke ever get into the league in the first place? Arrggh.. That’s more of Andrew Bynum than I needed to see. I do appreciate how Lamar Odom tried to meet up half way and high sock his way to respectability though. Dude, this is ridiculous. What’s next, will all our pop culture icons just lose their minds?

Muthafucka….Woman, where’s my eggnog err Sham-Pag-Nee!

-Lake

Kraft Recalls White Chocolate

Lake, your people need you back.

My bad, you still my nilla though.

Hilarious how White people who play like brothers immediately get the “White Chocolate” pseudonym.

There’s Jason (not shotgun, not “smiles like he’s smelling sh*t” Jay) Williams:

White Strippers built like this:

And this phone by Verizon Wireless:

They do need to recall Lake though. He’s been out of control lately. A lady has got to bust out a sex tape to even hit his radar these days. I think if there was an Allison Stokke sex tape he might just completely lose his mind.

-Brock