Archive for the ‘College Basketball’ Category

CBS to Billy Packer: Beat It Old Man

July 14, 2008

YES!!!!  The sports curmudgeon is finally DEAD.  Well, at least his career at CBS is.  I didn’t think that old man would ever go.

I know, I know, he’s a legend in the business.  Yeah, so was Jesse Helms, but the angels above sang the sweet notes of jubillee when his punk ass kicked a few weeks back and then got checked direc-it-tally into the the shittiest room in hell’s smackdown motel.

Bottom line, Billy Packer’s commentary skills weren’t worth all the bs that came along with them.  Besides, did we really need to be calling a grown ass man “Billy” anyway?  In my estimation, there are two kinds of grown ass Billys in the world.  Country hicks who think Barack Obama is a Muslim that’s trying to covertly take over the United States gobment and punk ass dudes in pink polo’s with popped collars who rock that Billy because it fits nicely with that sailing, “I’m going down to the lake,” prep boy angle they’re working.

Note that Billy Packer is neither.  He’s just an old man named Billy who got canned about 15 years too late. I mean, I’m not sure McCain errr Billy even knows who he is at this point.

The old cat just looks confused.

But back to this Billy thing. Rule of thumb, once you hit 6th grade, it’s time to cash that “Billy” moniker in for either “Will” or “Bill” and definitely steer clear of that “Willy.”  Just like all you Suzys need to become Suzanne, Timmys need to become Tim and so on.  But don’t take that shit too far either.  Don’t you hate it when you reunite with one of your high school friends named, oh I don’t know, “Andy” and all of a sudden, they demand that you call them “Andrew”?

Lake:  Heeey, Andy Jamison, how the hell are you?  What, it’s been like 8 years, right?  How are your parents and that sister… 😉

Andy:  Everyone’s good, but hey, it’s Andrew now.

Lake:  What’d you say?

Andy:  Andrew.  Nobody’s called me Andy since I left home.

Lake: Fuck you… Yo’ mama call you Andy, I’mma call you Andy, punk.  And watch that lip too.  Don’t get fresh with me, Andy.  Lest I bring you allll the way back to middle school and the true genesis of Andy as in “Andy’s a mufucka” Andy, bitch.  (And if you don’t believe conversations with me can escalate like this, ask Brock, he’s seen it..ha)

Ok, so I exaggerated a little bit at the end.  I didn’t call him a bitch…per say.  Ha.  But rest assured, I had that conversation with a slug named “Andrew” long about 6 months ago and still don’t like his tone, even as I write it now.  What was I talking about?  Oh yeah, Billy Packer’s a mufucka and I’m glad he’s gone.  Now all we need to do is get rid of that annoying ass Dack Vitale and all his “awesome baby” and “diaper dandy dunk-a-roo” step-n-fetch show and college basketball will be good again.

Cats gotta realize, if I’m aware of you as an announcer, you’re not doing your job.  I don’t want to know who is announcing the game when JJ Redick pulls up for three or when Dahntay Jones puts

on someone’s face, ok?  A good announcer blends into the game like the goal, court and refs.  Bad announcers have “signature lines” like that awful “Ohhhhh, it’s an A Bomb from A-Rod”…..AHNT  In fact, let’s just purge all these self important jackasses who make themselves bigger than the games they cover and start fresh.  Here’s my short list of jerks who need to get to steppin’ off my tv screen:

1.  Dick Vitale

2.  Joe “Fuck” Buck (arrogant prick who showed his true colors with that Randy Moss “disgrace” nonsense)

3.  Mike Patrick (complete idiot and always over calling games with reference to some senior ACC guard “How about that, he’s some kinda player”)  AHNNNNNTTTT

4.  John Madden (Don’t hate John, but his time has come)

5.  Bryant Gumbel (I know he’s like a giant in the biz and one of the early hot play callers, but he’s fucking terrible at this point.  His NFL Network games are BRUTAL to listen to.  I’m tired of hearing his bullshit, pedestrian (that was for slick jefferson) ass voice coupled with those entirely ahnt observations that the color guy should be making.  All in all, just a horrible cat in the booth.)

And I’m not all negative, here are some guys I love:

1.  Jeff Van Gundy (this cat is quietly hilarious, but definitely knows the game.  He also calls out the bullshit and boneheaded calls, plays and adjustments by coaches, a real pro)

2.  Gus Johnson (His rhetoric is top notch and he can really hype up a college football game)

3.  Bill Rafferty – (“With the kiss” is still a hot line and that “send it in Jerome” is still one of my favorite calls in all of sports).

Anyway, I guess you can tell I’m happy that Billy is gone.  With my luck, dude will end up doing MORE Duke games on Espn or something, but until then, I’m a happy camper.

– Lake

Ok, I get it: Roy Williams Loves Kansas

April 8, 2008

HEY EVERYBODY, Roy Williams wants you to know something, he just loooooooooves KU, Lawrence and the Jayhawks Fans so much that he just happned to rock that ridiculous Kansas Jayhawks sticker/pin or whatever last night on National TV. Not that anybody was going to see it or anything. No way a “classy guy” like Roy would ever use the National title game to make another one of his spontaneous, homespun, hokey statements to try and improve his image.

Is there a less sincere cat in all of America than Roy Williams? Seriously, this guy is made for political office.

All that cat ass crying, lying about what jobs he’s going to take, who he cares about, and what he thinks. Remember when he didm’t give a “flip” about the University of North Carolina job riiiight before he ACCEPTED the University of North Carolina job?

I know Roy, you’ve got kids in the locker room, the same ones you’re about to abandon after saying that you’d never leave Kansas, that you love. Right. What about when he told that story about “mama” and how she used to scrub floors back when he “wuza boy” just so he could drink a Coca-Cola “soda pop.”

Riight, it’s because of “whut” your “mama” did for you that you keep a case of Coke strategically placed behind your desk during a commericial, not because of all that dough you’re stacking as a result of this ad campagin. Is this guy serious? Is anyone falling for this nonsense?

Look, standing in the fan section of a team that just broke the hearts of your “kids” and ruined your season is not evidence of your “giant heart,” it’s weak. It’s wack. It’s well, something that a phony snake oil salesmen from Ashville Norf Cuurlina would pull. The next time you do something that isn’t all about your image, your pocket book and your winning percentage will be the first time Roy. We’ve got you figured out buddy. You walk into recruits’ homes, wrap your arms around their mothers, have a good cry and pull hot players like a mufucka.. I’ll give him that. The boy can recruit! But can he coach? I’m not sold. After you get your face caved in by Kansas it isn’t time to go sit in their VIP section, strap on the Jayhawk sticker, which was strategically affixed to a plain black shirt by the way, and play “good ole Roy from Lawrence errrrr Chapel Hill errrr Ashville.” Whatever. This guy is as slippery as John Calipari. He just comes at you differently.

Roy, your team got embarrassed in a year where they were the prohibitive favorite to win it all. Do you think your fans in NC want to see yo’ candy ass on National TV with a Jayhawk sticker after they just dismantled your squad like that?

(Image from

I know, I know, you have “great affection” for the Kansas “pro-grim,” it broke your heart to play that Final Four game, you’ll never do it again and it’s all because you’re just a class act. It shows. Phony.

– Lake

Man Up Monday: The Carolina Tarheels

April 7, 2008

Oh you knew it was coming.  Sure, my boys tapped out of the Tourney two weeks ago, but that doesn’t change the fact that I revel in the pain of the Carolina fan, so here we go.  When did this game end?  Long about three minutes into the first half?  With six minutes left in the first half, the Tarheels has 12 points, twelve points.  No slow down, read that again.  A dozen points.  They made six jumpers.  In a Final Four game.  Way to come out of the gates hard fellas, you really did the ACC proud.  hat ought to be great for our RPI next year.

At one point, the Jayhawks were up by 28 points.  Even when UNC tried to make the comeback in the second half, they were already waaaaaay too far behind.

I guess they needed a little more Danny Green:

Maybe they should have let Roy get some…

Maybe they should have broken out the full on Hammer pants.

Maybe they should have had a V8.



UNC Gets Crushed By Kansas

April 6, 2008

Nuff said…

– Lake

Terrible: Duke Goes Out The Back Door Like Some Punks

March 23, 2008

Dude, that game was painful to watch. 


All I can say is whatever criticism all you “Dook Fans” (and by that I mean yall haters who know more about Duke than your own teams) have for us, I won’t quarrell with you.  That loss was unacceptable and embarrassing.  I can’t believe that we went out like that.  We’re in mourning over here at UvT.  Not sure about Brock, but as of now, I’m calling in sick tomorrow in protest.  Out of respek for West Virginia, I’ll play the John Denver classic, Take Me Home Country Roads…. he sings so fine don’t you agree?

Told yall I was a white dude. 

Lo Duke

– Lake

Belmont Fans & Duke Haters Almost Had One

March 21, 2008

Oh yeah, all those cats I like to call “Dook Fans,” meaning people who claim to “hate Dook” but actually know more about Duke Basketball than they do their own teams, really thought they had something. Can’t you just imagine watching them as Belmont took the lead? I mean, pure joy and ecstasy had to be coursing through their veins.


Then reality set in and G did that damn thing.


Which left yall realizing that just like so many times before:


Look, the almost Duke loss is all I’m hearing all over sports talk radio and all over ESPN. Yes, if Duke had lost, that would have been the biggest debacle in the Program’s history. But yall gotta understand one thing: Duke didn’t lose. It was in fact “the other way” as Marlo learned that clown security guard that dared test him.


Now to be fair, Duke has played lackluster ball since the first Carolina game. Why I don’t know. But let’s just understand one thing, our lackluster ball is still better than yall haters’ best 95% of the time. Go ask the Murrland Terps whether it was a down year for “Dook”… Yeah, I quickly tuned in to see if what’s there name and them got at Maryland’s Basketball team tonight too… Since NOBODY gives a rat’s ass about the NIT or Terps Hoops, you might ax “who”…


Dasrite (Shouts to Larry Dutchinson), while Duke struggled to WIN in the NCAA Tournament, those oh so talented Maryland Terps LOST to hapless Syracuse in the NIT. Very nice. Now, what hurt more, Maryland losing to SU and the taste of those salty nizzuts or Duke winning at the end?


Don’t lie. Yall know you HATED to see Duke pull that out. In fact, you hate Duke more than you like Murrland, UNC, UK, and all the rest of those other “Dook” schools. Hilarious.

Go Duke…no seriously, Duke, go and do something about this terrible play.


There, at least I did my part.

– Lake

Man Up Monday: NCAA Basketball Coach Edition

March 17, 2008

In honor of the NCAA Tournament, this weeks Man-Up Monday is a tribute to the coaches who really went out like some punks this weekend. First, let’s talk about Dennis Felton of Georgia.


So here’s the situation. The SEC tournament was delayed because of tornadoes in downtown Atlanta. So what was the solution? They scheduled the games in the Georgia Tech stadium and didn’t invite anyone to actually come to the games. But Georgia had to play two games in one day. So after they win game one, in between games they go to the post game interview with Dennis Felton and he basically gives up on his team saying that having two games in one day is going to keep him out of the tournament. He straight GAVE UP ON HIS SQUAD. Thanks coach. Not only that, but his job was on the line. Felton was supposed to get fired if he didn’t make the tournament. That means he gave up on himself too. Here’s the kicker…his team WON the second game of the day, and last night wrapped up the SEC Championship.. Once again, thanks for believing in us coach.  On a side note, why is he rocking that old school Billy Dee Williams, Lando Calrissian style mustache?  Man Up!

Man Up part 2:

Check this call by the Kentucky coach:

He was down by three and didn’t want Georgia to go for the intentional miss, so he had his player goaltend the shot. Wellllll, the rule is that the shot counts anyway, putting his team down by four and his guy got the tech. It isn’t in this clip, but the look on that players face when he realized that his coach just gave away the game was priceless. Coach, Man Up, Box Out and take the shot to win the game like a man. You tried to break the rules of the game. Not going to happen that way buddy.

Bonus Man Up:

Goes to Clark Kellogg for picking all four number one seeds as his Final Four.


UCLA, UNC, Memphis, and Kansas? Way to go out on a limb, buddy. That is really some crack analysis you broke out there. Grow a pair Clark. Also, if you are going to rock the “forced baldy” (where you have the bald head not because you wanted to shave it, but because your hair was retreating already) you’ve got to keep your shape up tight. You can’t rock the George Jefferson pattern stubble.

Thanks…and Fellas….MAN UP!


March Madness is the Worst, Best Thing Ever

March 16, 2008

March Madness is widely recognized as the best sports tournament on television. It let’s you know everything that is wrong with College Football, it gives you great storylines to follow, it gives the little team a chance to win it all. Anyone who goes on a six game winning streak goes home national champion.


I know, I know it has been seven years, but this is my house dammit. Respect the Blue Devils. Here’s the deal. Starting tomorrow, people will be spending hours trying to figure out if Indiana is going to beat Arkansas (by the way, it’s a toss up…I’m picking Arkansas to bounce back from that terrible loss to Georgia to clip the Hoosiers) Also, I know my man J. Maal Nahmsayin in the NYC is about to come down with a terrible disease that usually seems to flare up about this time every year. 48 hour flu, always starts on a Thursday in March, craziest thing.

UVT NEWS FLASH: Indiana has a chance to win if they bring back Kelvin Sampson and that naked Indiana cheerleader. What do you think about that gameplan Kelvin?


Yeah, Indiana….I pick Indiana.


So here’s what I hate. As of this moment there has already been over five hours of coverage about the matchups, the bubble teams that should have made it in, all the teams that might not have deserved to get in that made it, all that BS. Look I get it, theoretically any team can win. Practically those teams in discussion aren’t making it past next Sunday…mmmk? Arizona State was 19 and 12. You want to get into the tourney? Don’t lose so many damn games…how about that. Dayton? Let me tell you something, there aren’t any awards for RPI rankings. You want to matter in College basketball? Don’t lose so many damn games…in fact, don’t be in the Atlantic 10 conference, and while you are at it don’t finish the season 6-6 and don’t lose on the second day of your conference tournament. Thanks but no thanks. Virginia Tech?


I know coach, you’d have to be stupid not to let your squad in because of your “quality loss” to UNC. Go ask Brady Quinn and Charlie Weis about quality losses homey. An L is still an L. Enjoy that #1 seed in the NIT. You won’t win that either…that’s why your squad isn’t in the tournament.

See, Brock cuts straight to the chase I just did in five minutes what Digger Phelps and Jay Bilas have been trying to do for the last five hours. As a matter of fact, let’s address the “bad” teams in the tournament. Cornell, Baylor, Kentucky…you’ll be going home too.

Oh, and I usually don’t do this but uhhhhhh, Carolina got the overall #1 top seed. Roy, how will you celebrate?


Roy hit the flo, next thing you know, Roy got low, low, low , low, low, low, low low.

Psych-lo T, How about you?

Seriously…what was that “celebration” about? He looks like a nine year old fighting.. Ridiculous.


Can You Say Bubble Burst? Maryland’s Season is OVA!!!!

March 14, 2008

Hilarious. Break out the co-eds and chicken waaangs, Murrland is coming home.


I told you Murrland fans that you didn’t have the players, coaching and nizzuts for this here season.


And all the smack talking haters on this blog just had so much to say early on. Slowly but surely, we stopped hearing from them though. “TerpFan” was running smack early on in the year. First it was before Duke Game No. 1. Then, Duke spanked them in their own house.


Then “TerpGrad” started in about how Maryland was a better academic institution than Duke. That was laughable, but I had to direct him to US News and World Reports Rankings and then that rhetoric ceased. Then Duke spanked that candy ass in Game 2 and I heard even less.


Oh wait, do you hear that? Yep, it’s the sound of silence. Boston College just took that old dog named Maryland Basketball out back shot it. You will not pass go, will not go to the NCAA and you will not collect any more recruits. Now go to sleep bitches!!! Game, set, match, season, done!


Let the riots in College Park begin….


That’s your season going up in flames.. Enjoy that first round exit from the NIT.

Go Duke.

– Lake

This Just In: NIT Bound Terps Still Suck

March 13, 2008

To all my loyal Terp fan readers, I’m sorry this post took me four days to complete.


It’s not that I wanted to neglect you, it’s just that every time I tried to write it, I ended up laughing so hysterically that I couldn’t complete it.


Now, unlike others, I love to be the one to say, “I told you so.” So let me go ahead and say it, I TOLD YOU SO! LOL. Contrary to the rhetoric so many of you hit me with this entire season, clearly your team wasn’t all that good and obviously you were a completely inferior squad when compared to those Duke Blue Devils.


Just look at you, you’ve got ONE win against a top 50 team when you stole that game from UNC. Otherwise, you haven’t done shit to deserve an at large bid. I know, I know, you guys can still win the ACC Tournament. Sure and I can still play striker for AC Milan. You guys are lucky ESPN is still calling you a bubble team. In all truth, you cats aren’t on the bubble, you’re under the bubble only that bubble is deez nuts!


Anyway, I’ll certainly be tuned in Thursday night when Boston College puts that final bullet in your coffin. And it don’t look much better for next year either. How are you guys going to have any better chance of making the Tournament in 2009? You’ll lose Osby and Gist and replace them with two Junior College players, a post grad guy and one decent 4 star recruit. Sure, Vasquez is solid, but he’s just that, solid. He’s not a guy who can kill anyone by himself and Hayes is barely an ACC level talent. Just face it Maryland fans, your coach can’t and doesn’t want to recruit.


I enjoyed watching you guys blow a 20 point second half lead to Clemson the other day, the looks on the faces of your fans were priceless.


“To riot or not to riot, that is the question.”


And then that swift and stiff ass kicking you took from bottom feeding UVa on the road, how very Terp of you to not show up when you needed to most. Anyway, enjoy that first round tap out in the NIT. It’s not like I didn’t tell you fools that you’d be there. Now if I can only get you clowns to discontinue any and all discussion about the “competitive academics” at Murrland. Maryland is a fine school, but when I was applying to Colleges, my list included Stanford, Brown, Princeton and Penn, not Virginia Tech, Florida State and Murrland, ya dig? There is no comparison, kind of like basketball this year. Now you guys just sit there and deal with it. LOL Oh and get ready to hear me run my mouth allllll summer and allllll next year too. Haaaaaa Terps suck.

– Lake