Big Brother 9: Josh Is Out Of Control!

So I’m a pretty big fan of Big Brother and this season has been pretty decent.

I mean, they went with a fairly compelling plot twist with the whole couples thing, but what really makes the show are the individuals, right? Which brings us to this mad man Joshuah (now was that extra H really necessary?).

Homey is off his damn rocker and quite frankly, I like it. First off, dude comes into the house trying to front on some ole, “I feel good…I’m surrounded by beautiful women…” only one problem, homey is as gayER than a B2K slumber party.

I know, I know, Big Brother freaks, Josh’s myspace or facebook or some other foolishness says that he’s a Bi-Sexual. Well, I can’t lie, I have seen homey taking a long and hard look at Sharon so maybe there’s something to it.

And quietly, Sharon aint like tv hot, but she’s definitely “trapped in a house 3 months with no outside contact, I may be gay but I wasn’t last night” hot.

Oh yes, she is that.

You wonder if Josh forgot that they paired him with the other gay dude in the house, no not James a dude who is one base away from closing the deal with his “soul mate,” Chelsia.

Though he is also a gay porn actor (literally and NO I will not provide that link). I know, I know, according to David Hernandez, American Idol top 12 contestant, having sex for money with other men errrr dancing at a gay strip club doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re gay. It doesn’t? Then what exactly does it mean? I don’t about you, but watching and participating in gay male porn is gay to me. I don’t think it’s all that complex really. But Lakey, they say, what about men in jail? Are you willing to say that’s gay? Hell yes I’m willing to say it’ss gay!! Shit, I’ll write it down, take a picture, get it notarized, then put in triplicate, in fact, I can’t think of anything more gay than jail house thug passion.

Gay as shit. If you voluntarily fuck with men and you’re a man, then I have a little message for ya:

Ok? I think we’re pretty much done with the issue of what is gay and what is not. Back to Josh. He had no problem saying he was gay. So they originally paired him up with the other clearly gay dude in the house and all was good.

Then that dude had to leave the house, so I think the whole experience kind of drove Josh a little crazy.

Josh’s Pink Bible Beating

For instance there was the Pink Bible incident that occurred after the house guests learned that there was a couple inside the house masquerading as regular participants.

Ok, that’s a bit shocking I guess, but not completely unforeseeable. But instead of kind of holding his mouth open for a 4 count and then getting his mind right, Josh goes off on some crazy tirade about how everyone needs to swear on the Bible that they don’t know anyone in the house.

Now that’s already a bit nutso. First off, if someone is hell bent on lying, your Bible aint going to change that. Second, you running around with a Bible trimmed in PINK, talking about “If you put your hand on this and lie, then you’re going to hell” is just waaaaaay too ironic for a cat like me. Uhh, Josh, you’re an openly gay man from Texas!!! Maybe you haven’t noticed but most folks from around your parts aren’t too keen on PANK Bibles or your lifestyle, so why are you running around like Ted Haggard Jr. Jr. challenging people to put their eternal souls at stake because you were duped for 3 days in the Big Brother house?

And Bro? Please add a shirt to you flow. Your shirtless swagger aint that hot.

Not exactly what I was looking for, but it’s progress. Anyway, I can only assume that Josh rocks the Pink Bible as a political statement. That’s fine, just don’t hit other cats like all of a sudden you’re qualified to dictate what will or will not be sending them to hell, least of all, some bullshit about who knows who in Big Brother..Terrible.

Bout To Be A What? Girl Fight, Part 1.
It’s not like gay cats aren’t known for sometimes showing a little flair for the dramatic. But Josh takes his flow to a whole different level. It’s like her summons up the hate from the days of yore and fixates it like Mumrah the Ever Living or someone. I mean, this cat truly gets after people he doesn’t like. Now, we haven’t seen him get crunk with another dude, because quite frankly, homey would probably catch a swift and quick arse whupping if he did. But just look at how he came at this chick Amanda, wow.

That, “If I was a girl, I’d slap you” and “you’ve got a horse face.. you’re too ugly Amanda, giddie up” was crazy..

LOL..This cat’s rhetoric is pretty outstanding. Deplorable and borderline cruel, but definitely noteworthy and ice cold.

Bout To Be A What? Girl Fight, Part 2.
Josh’s hate for Allison is just on a nuclear level. Homey told her that she was ugly, flat chested (why does he care?), scheming, had no sense of style and just all around terrible. And he’s saying this to a chick who is probably the most arrogant chick in the entire house. He did it 1. because she legitimately was the worst person in the entire house from what I could see and 2. because she lied and said she was a lesbian.

Now I’m not sure why she thought it would be cool to lie to a gay man and say that she was a lesbian, but she did. Judging from her derogatory remarks about gays, I would guess that she has little respect for gay people generally. Well, anyway, as a result of that and her general terribleness, Josh was INTO this chick. I mean, he really got after her…I call it poetic justice. Peep it.

Then, when she’s getting her ass kicked and can’t take it, she starts lashing out at the dudes, as if it’s their problem that she lied about the lesbian thing and was a raging beeyatch for two weeks in the house..

”

You can’t win with a rabid gay man. All the previous rules go out the window. Bottom line is that you were fucking terrible, you sucked and now your candy ass went home, done deal.

Seriously, Allison is a nut job… Completely delusional and the worst. All this talk about “I can get any guy I want….I have no problems with men,” and her repeated statement tht everyone in the house is “intimidated by her.” And then this talk about her “education”… what? Josh went to the University of Texas, a school I’ve actually heard of. She went to some random school in Florida that I’ve NEVER heard of, but she’s talking shit about her education? Talk about delusional, this chick is on another planet.

The truth of the matter is that Josh was right. There’s nothing about Allison that’s hype, hot or exceptional. She’s not all that hot, she’s not all that educated and she’s not a nice person, so why not put her in her place? That thinly veiled pretense about “what Josh said doesn’t bother me” is so obviously a lie that it’s just laughable. I mean, if you aren’t upset about his comments, which is silly because anybody would be, then why are you continuously going back at Josh, talking shit and making cracks about how his boyfriend is probably “butt fucking” someone.. veeeery cosmopolitan.. Veeeery educated.

Let’s see, basic homophobic digs levied at a dude you claim to be scared of. Ha.. And is there anything worse than some chick who talks hella shit and then goes to the “wait until my daddy comes and gets you?”

If you can’t handle the shit situations you put yourself in, don’t put yourself in them. Don’t start getting pissed at the other dudes in the house for not coming to your defense, they don’t like you. Quietly, they like that you’re getting dissed and crying your eyes out. You need to look at the woman in the mirror, ask her to make a change. Wait until you brother and dad come, why? So that they can catch a swift ass kicking too? I don’t think so. Face it, you fucked with everyone in that house, everyone hated you, dissed you, then voted you out of the house and Josh kicked you in your candy ass on your way out the door. Karma baby.

– Lake

Freaks, skeezers and Hoes: It’s Big Brother 9 time

Ha, I know some of you loved that old school “Skeezer’ blast I just laid on you. Oh, there’s more where that came from. Originally, this post was called, Racism (Ryan), Drama (Amanda and Joshuah) and Hoes: It’s Big Brother Time, but it just got too long. Hey, hoes take time, attention and commitment. So here I give you a fully dedicated post about the Hoes of Big Brother 9. What’s crazy is that it’s literally impossible to get all the crazy pics of these chicks into one post. I mean, Big Brother Casting did a phenomenal job this time. Take a bow people.

Dude, where do I begin? Are yall watching this season of Big Brother? I know it was designed more as a stop gap to offset against the writer’s strike, but this is just top shelf on the melodrama scale. Let’s see what we’ve learned thus far:

1. Sluts rule

A. Ho Number 1 – Natalie

In my first post on this season I talked about how hyped I was on this chick Natalie. She gives a whole new meaning to the term Jesus Freak.

I loved how she invoked Jesus’ name immediately, while flaunting her ample enhancements for all to see.

Turns out, the chick has a bunch of nice pics for us to look at, in fact, I’ll need to give her a separate post. In the meantime though, check her out hooking up the freaky massage to her Big Brother appointed “soulmate” Matt.

Anyway, it’s hard to top the blatant and very appreciated hypocrisy she’s brought to the table, that was, until she gave her partner and Handjob and Blowjob within 2 days of knowing him and before the second episode was aired! Peep how she got started (actually this is the long version with everything).

Vodpod videos no longer available.Now see how she ahem finished him off (if you want to cut to the uhh chase, here’s the ending).

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Aww what the hell, here is another reverse angle complete with slurping and gargling (I’m not kidding):

Dude, she did it right too. She woke homey up, got him all revved up and then really finished the thing as evidenced by his expression when it was over.

I especially appreciate how Matt turned his head away when she tried to kiss him. HA.. Full on pimp. By my count, that makes 3 mic checks and it hasn’t even been a full week in the house! I love this girl and boy does she love to take pictures of her half-naked body.

Seriously, THIS CHICK IS AWESOME. Just look at her! LOL. I mean, buck ass naked in yet another picture and believe, there are literally hundreds where that came from. I’m still interested in this Jesus angle, though. I mean, what congregation does this broad belong to, Church of the Righteous Cutlery?

Ok, I admit it, I just wanted to post a picture of God touching her boob.. You got me. I think I’m in love.

B. Ho Number 2 – Sheila

Not only did this chick do Penthouse and fuck with all kinds of D list celebs including Chachi from Happy Days, she also did soft core porn.

This shot is classic!!! Oh yes, she is a dead up porn star in the filthy skin rag and on what I assume was the little screen.

I can’t decide if this is terrible or awesome. I can’t lie thought, “ma” was attractive back in the day. Is there any doubt that she’d be hooking up righteous cut sessions and microphone checkers if she wasn’t paired with THIS dude?

Ha, if these not safe for work pics (found HERE) are accurate..ha…and clearly they are, I think we can all safely assume that we know the answer to that question. Damn, I can’t lie, Sheila was sexy back in the day, DAMN!

C. Ho Number 3 – Jen

Well, it’s not totally fair to call Jen a ho. She’s more annoying than anything else. The bottom line, however, is that she really sucks at this game. The chick entered into the house with a major advantage, the fact that she had her boyfriend, Ryan, right there with her.

Sure, the twist made everything harder, but only because they couldn’t keep it together. Jen should have stayed cool and kept her relationship a secret when the TMZ paparazzo, Parker, wanted to vote Ryan off.

Then they’d still be in the running for the half mil rather getting what I assume will be the collar tonight. Whatever problems they had as a result of Allison’s crazy ass and I agree, she is pretty unstable and crazy, were self-induced.

No matter how you slice it, Jen is a classic butter face with a flair for the dramatic. I can’t lie, her body is on-point right now, so I’ll give her some respect for that. But baby girl really needs to work on that personality. I mean, self-promotion, flat-stomach and sex drive aside, what do you have with that chick?

Oh and Ryan, watch out for that girl. She doesn’t strike me as the faithful type. After all, she did dime you out for being a racist. Now why would Ryan be a racist, oh, that’s right, he banged his girl for all of 90 seconds and you allegedly have a problem with some black boyfriend she used to have that to quote one of my favorite readers in Nevada was “laying the pipe”…

No wonder you don’t like interracial relationships, if my lady had been hittin off brothers and I couldn’t fuck, I wouldn’t like them either. But it’s got to make you wonder, what is it about Parker they thought she’d like… think long and hard on that one player…

Anyway, I think Jen was actually ready to tell the whole house that she and Ryan were together because they wanted to get their open cut on. And cut they did, Peep it.

That “Just bend me over (said TWICE)” was pretty aggressive. I like it.

D. Ho Number 4, Amanda

I actually like Amanda a lot. Not because of her personality or anything, but she’s got a hot body.

She’s also sporting the New Day white woman ass.

Not the best angle, but trust me, it’s there. I also appreicated how the other chicks in the house were hating on her for rocking the booty shorts all the time. I can’t lie, they were literally up past her ass piece, showing full cheek. Nice. Big Brother casting really got this one right this time. She’s hella annoying, but I like her for that solid new day tail piece. And boy, does she ever show it too. If the blogs have it right, she’s crazy with some wild disorder and is trying to sex up Parker.

Pimpulate my player…

Hey, I’ve got a lot more to write on the Hoes of Big Brother 9, but I just can’t do it anymore. I mean, for real, there actually might be too much sexual eye candy and tension in this household. It’s so obviously coming, but I just can’t wait for the “Big twist” which allows people to swap soulmates, so these hoes can get their freak on with other cats…Should be good.

Thank you CBS…thank you.

– Lake

Big Brother 9: ‘Til Death Do You Part

Update: Check out my latest post on the women of Big Brother 9 

So I tuned into the new Big Brother last night. It was standard fare. First off, you had to figure out that this season, the game is being played by couples instead of individually. I guess they did some personality test to try and match people up based on compatibility. Fair enough, there’s always a twist of some kind and if you have people who have to play for each other, that’s just double the melodrama. So they start in by introducing the cast and immediately you see that the show is fairly high on eye candy.

Whatever, her name isn’t important. Ok, it’s Natalie. What did matter to me was that 1. She worked at a coffee shop where she had to rock a bikini, 2. that after 30 seconds into the show, I could see a approximately 70% of her enhanced cans and 3. that despite making a living by being objectified and showing off all her earthly assets, she immediately dropped some random God/Jesus reference….Irony, I love it.

I wonder if Jesus would be for or against large fake boobs that are constantly exposed…hmm. Moving on.

Then I noticed that they peppered in some current boyfriends/girlfriends who weren’t matched up with each other and of course, some ex’s that hated each other that had to be forcibly reunited. Pretty typical stuff of the Dick and Danielle Donato variety. Oh and they have bizzaro world Jon Scheyer in the house too.. Go Duke…I think.

But the best thing of the night came from the lone Cougar in the house, Sheila, aged 46 from Cali.

First off, the woman’s stated profession is “ex model.” Which made me a bit suspicious, so of course I had to go back into my Lakey PI mode to figure out that she’s not really an ex model, more like an ex skin rag hizzo — who for a period of time was fucking the big boss man over at Penthouse Magazine, Bob Guccione. Never heard of him huh, me neither. Right, she didn’t get at Heff, missed out on Larry Flynt, but was able to gravy train the creator of Penthouse for his loot cakes. No wonder she has such an inflated sense of self worth. Have you ever stopped to wonder what these video hoes will do once their good looks run out? I know, I know, first to the skrip club, then the Bunny Ranch, followed by “The Point” or “the Track” in Atlantic city…. What about the ex gold digger, what does she do for retirement? Well now we know. This is that chick in the flesh and blood, perfectly placed outside of her prime. Look at her on the cover of Penthouse back in 1983:

I can’t lie, she actually looks pretty sexy and semi thick through the KFC thigh region. Luckily I was able to link up the EVERY ANGLE completely Nude Sheila Kennedy NSFW Penthouse pics right HERE. Reverse angle pleez.

I think the comedian Eddie Griffin said it best, “no ass at home.” Anyway, in both these pictures her face looks fresh, almost that innocence mixed with just the right amount of “fucking for tracks errrrr stacks” feel to it, ya know? But 15 years and a 16 year old son later, the attitude is still the same. I mean, in her mind, she still should be in the mansion living the high life, not in Big Brother house eating slop. Yeah, that false sense of self-worth is anchored by the unrealistic belief that she’s still hot… fuckable, maybe for a dirty, slump busting cat, but hot? Let me refer you to Clay Davis for that one: Shheeeeeeeeeeeit!

Anyway, they went ahead and paired the old hag with this dude.

Ha! This dude does look like a wild cat. I must admit. I mean, what’s up with those crazy ass eyes? Just popping out of his headpiece.. Hilarious. Anyway, she wasn’t feeling this cat AT ALL and as soon as they hooked them up, telling her that they were most compatible, the ex skin rag diva from the 80’s went OFF!!!

“Where did someone get that this was my soulmate? Oh my God!!! I told them I’m attracted to tall, dark and handsome, I mean, I’m sorry, but is this what they think I meant?”

And she was saying all of this as if homey wasn’t standing right there. I also liked how he was calling her “Ma” in the way that black dudes often call women “Mami”… It’s not a diss. Only in this case, this terrible has been errr never was took it as “Ma” as in “Mom”…. which was so gratifying for a white cat with crazy urban game like myself.. Again, the irony was oozing out of this relationship.

Anyway, the chick is a complete beeyatch and she kept on with the total disregard for his feelings and presence.

“I mean, look at him. I’m sorry, maybe I’m shallow but I have a type. I like guys that work out.”

Awwww, that hurt and no, Adam definitely didn’t get like or get it. Any of it.

Then she got so worked up that she had to get a quaalude errr Alka-Seltzer to calm herself down.

Real picture from her myspace page. Pretty crazy.

How are you going to just ice a cat down based solely on his looks when you’re the oldest person in the damn house?! Sure Big Brother set you up, but that’s what they do!!! Understand, he’s the ugly dude who is probably rich but semi annoying, YOU’RE the washed up Penthouse HO who still thinks she belongs poolside sucking on a ahem Mai Tai while you make passes at the pool boy. Please “Ma,” get over yourself, you two rejects are made for each other!

Decent introductory episode. I’ll take it.

– Lake