Matt Damon Drops a Little Knowledge

Finally, someone, ANYONE, just comes out and says straight:

Come on, who among us doesn’t realize:

1. Palin is a joke candidate for Vice President of the United States of America

2. John McCain has a 1 in 3 chance of dying in office, leaving us with hockey mom Palin as our VP, a concept that literally is about as ridiculous as ME bring President two years from now.

5 years ago, Paliln was selling camping equipment.  CAMPING EQUIPMENT!!!!  Two years ago she was running a “city” that’s literally smaller than my neighborhood.  In all seriousness, exactly 20 months ago, I HAD A SUPERIOR RESUME TO SARAH PALIN and I wouldn’t let her run the comments section on this website without a proper UvT vetting and some advanced schooling.  If Sarah Palin, due to her academic and professional substance, isn’t qualified to write for this blog, and believe me, she isn’t, then how in the hell is she qualified to even be a candidate for Vice President?

Hey, this is the Presidency of the United States, it’s not “Brownie, doin’ a heck of a job” running FEMA or Harriet Myers getting appointed to the Supreme Court.  I mean, this is literally a Wu Tang Financial moment, “Protect Your Fucking Neck!”  Enough with the moose hunting and ice fishing jokes, this woman is not ready to be President of a goddamn thing and sure as hell aint ready to be VP of the US of A.  Thx.

– Lake

————–UPDATE—————–

The best quote is “I really need to know if she thinks dinosaurs were here 4000 years ago.  That’s an important…I want to know that.  I really do.  Because she’s gonna have the nuclear codes.”

I don’t think there is a better summary of the situation than that quote.

-Brock

Palin is a Pitbull in a Skirt

Hey, I pretty much dislike most everything she stands for and she’s lied about Barack Obama thoroughly throughout the entire speech, but I must admit, Sarah Palin is hard and somehow still likable.

I thought John McCain was going away from attacks, jabs, ridicule and overall negativity.  Surprise, surprise, the Republicans are up to their old tricks.

Game on muthafuckers….GAME ON!

Guns, Liquor and Unprotected Sex – Sarah Palin is an American Hero!

You gotta hand it to those Republicans.  They said they wanted a buzz and dammit, they got their buzz.

This Sarah Palin shit is about as good as it gets.  Her selection by McSame W. Bush was met with confusion.

Hell, most of the Republicans I know thought she didn’t have the qualifications to be a Vice Presidential Candidate.  See, they didn’t have their little sound bytes and talking points ready defend Palin beyond pointing out that she likes guns, moose burgers and Amurica.

So when the revelations of how her ineffective policy positions were biting her own family in the ass, you knew it would take them a day or so to figure out how to spin it.  And just like we all knew they would, the Republicans have used some more of their twisted logic to actually spin this Bristol Palin is Pregnant into a positive pro life position that has turned into “Sarah Palin is a HERO!”  A Hero?  Is that what you call a mother who preaches responsibility to your child, but can’t control her own?  Is that what you call someone who tells us just to tell your kids “just say no to dack and cat” but who can’t stop her daughter from throwing so much tail that her friends thought she was pregnant not once, but TWICE?!  Really, are these the actions of a capable “Pro Life” candidate?  I didn’t know getting your freak on in an Igloo with some Captain Morgan in your cup and weed in your lungs was an expression of “Pro Life” values, but you’ve definitely got my attention now that I’ve heard that it could be.  Peep Bristol’s myspace act.

haaaa, I know, I know, it’s just one picture, right?  Hmmm, let’s see if Bristol gets her drink on as much as she gets her spank on.

Oh yeah, wait, is that Genesse Beer?

LOL.  Let me just say that if you take this many pictures in front of liquor and they’ve found their way onto the internet, you aren’t too worried about Governor Mommy Amurica finding out that you sip the sizzurp.  But that’s family values right?  Of course it is.  And enough about this dude Levi and his plans to marry Bristol just because he put one on goal.  I mean, look at the cat.

He looks like Adam Morrison’s Mini Me.

And yes, that is Bristol Palin strapped up with not one, but two gats.  Trench Coat Mafia move over.  What the fuck?  What, they have sex, get their drink on and then do a drive by?  Oh, I know, this isn’t that kind of gun totting, this is wholesome teenage “extra circular” activity, right?  They’re sportsman enjoying the great outdoors by killing whatever they see.  I get it.  And I’m loving those jeans young Levi has on, too.  Very stylish.  Hey Levi, why not start by getting yourself, well, some Levis!  On Levi Johnston’s myspace page, he described himself as “a fucking redneck” and judging from this pic, I believe him.  I just want to know since when have “fucking rednecks” rocked fat laces and an Adam Morrison wig/hat combo?

I know Levi, I’m just an asshole, believe me, you’ll get used to it.  Hey, I’m starting to like these Republicans and their version of “family values.”  Best I can tell, you can do anything you want as long as you say you’re Anti-Abortion and Anti-Gay marriage and it’s just all good.  But just let me get this Republican values system straight.  When I bang chicks out raw dog, which really is the best way, that’s Pro Life.  But when I responsibly strapped up with a condom thereby avoiding an unwanted preggers, that’s not in accord with “Amurica’s core values”?  Well shit, where do I sign up?  I love the Republicans.  They definitely let me know there’s a place for my philandering ass in that “big tent” they have over there.  I even saw John McSame As Bush getting Republican Jiggy with some Pro Life Honeys.

I’m with it.

– Lake

Republican Family Values: John Mac Chooses Ice Milf With Issues

Who knew so much could happen over such a short period of time. I’m a bit behind given my 5 day weekend and you’d essentially have to be living under a damn rock to have missed this, but to counter Barack Obama’s 38 Million Viewers on Thursday night, John McCain announced Sarah Palin as his running mate.

Jeez.  Where do I start?  When I heard they picked the Governor from Alaska, I was pretty much shocked, then confused, then honestly, I just laughed. One thing I really appreciate about the Republicans is how disrespectful they are to those whom they claim to actually represent.  It’s not that they think Americans are stupid, they KNOW we are and continue to act like it.  In some weird way, I like that about them.  But even most of my Republican friends admitted to me that they didn’t see this Harriet Myers special 2.0 coming.  Sarah Palin?  The chick hasn’t been in the Governor’s mansion for more than 20 months and already she’s under investigation for trying to fire her sister’s ex hubby, but she’s “Ready To Lead Amurica with integrity”?  Puulease…  I mean, who’s running that campaign over there, the Tranny from I Want To Work For Diddy?

First, Barack Obama starts whipping your ass in the polls, so McCain and company put their thinking caps on and come up with the concept that he’s “too popular to lead.”

Perfect.  That makes sense.  A cat who is trying to gain in popularity so he can win an election is now getting criticized for being popular.  I completely get that.  Next they cook up this tasty VP choice which is one part Republican Family Values play, one part Hillary Femi-Nazi pandering.

Right, because those pro Hillary women aren’t going to get that Palin basically stands in stark opposition to each and every position Hillary Clinton holds.  Nah, they just care that she’s rolling with breasts and a vagina….Come on now, she’s Pro Igloo, Anti Abortion Rights, Anti Sex Education (even though her daughter takes more Nordic Dack than a female Moose in heat), Pro Winter, Anti Seal and Pro Gun!  How’s that going to motivate Hillary Democrats?  Oh no, I know, they think that men are suddenly going to forget that they’re sexist and vote for her because she’s got such solid Milf appeal, right?

(Maybe it’s just me, but something aint right about this chick in the eyes)

And hell no I’m not impressed that she was the second runner up in the “Miss Alaska Beauty Pageant” back in the 80’s.  She’s decent looking, no question, but did yall see who actually won the crown that year?

Let’s face it, it’s Alaska.  The standard aint that high.  Borat had tighter hoes back home than Carlos Boozer ever saw before he went to college.  Plus, the babes have to stay inside half the damn year.  Trust me, they aint just burning whale blubber and eating baby seal to keep warm, either.  Shoot, I knew a chick from Alaska in college and all she wanted to go is get freaky.  Shit, sex is more popular in Alaska than hockey pucks, ice fishing and meth all combined.  That’s why Palin has 4 errr 5 kids and her daughter has 2 errrr 1 errrr a baby on the way.

That’s right, her 17 year old daughter, Bristol Palin, you know the one who is benefiting from all those advanced “prayer based” forms of contraception, has allowed Jesus, with the help of her boyfriend “Twig,” to place an original sin inspired brick of Chunky Monkey in her belly piece and if you believe the blogs out here, this aint the first time either.

That Belly bump on the far right is no joke. Hey Bristol, just a little advice, when you live in Alaska where there is 24 hours of darkness for 4 months straight, “girl Imma make luv to you to the break of dawn” might not be such a good motif to go by.

And now they’re on that, “she’s in the process of marrying her boyfriend”..   Oh course she is.  After all, nothing says “conservative values” like doubling down on an already fucked up situation by marrying the pimpled-faced, Igloo Eagle Scout who knocked you up in the first place.

Ha, supposedly this is the dude right here.  Oh yeah, he’s definitely got that “I’m about to marry that 17 year old chick I don’t really like because her mom needs me to in order to justify her ‘do as I say, not as I do’ political agenda.”  It’s all in the eyes, he’s ready to do his duty for Amurica.  AHNT

I know, I know, this Palin choice was “fully vetted” and you GOP types were there when ole Twig was laying that Alaskan lumber to young Bristol.  You knew all along that because of her mom’s political views, she’d be forced into the international spotlight as the very personification of your hypocritical and ineffective policy positions.  Yep, she too is ready to take that bullet for Amurica…riiiight.  haaaa

Even Cindy thinks you fuked this one up buddy.

All I can say is that I know for damn sure the Republicans are lucky Hurricane Gustav hit the Gulf Coast today and provided a little cover.  Shiiiiit, that gave them the time they needed to get their stories straight.  Did you see how quickly they canceled all their shit?  Kind of reminded me how quick I was back in my school days to let someone else present first when I knew good and well I hadn’t done shit for that science project.  Oh they’ll tell you they knew about this all along, but saying you knew a 17 year old was preggers is just a bold faced lie.

One thing that’s for sure, this guarandamntees that I’ll be watching Gov. Palin’s speech this week.  Let me guess what she’ll say, this is “a family matter” and her family “needs time to deal with this, blah, blah blah, prayer, this isn’t political, but MY DAUGHTER IS KEEPING THE BABY because we respect life!!!!” haaaaaaa   I love it.

You know what the Republicans should do?  Keep Palin, dump McCain and nominate R. Kelly for President of the United States.

Now hold on, just think about it.   It’d be all pandering, all the time.  After all, is there a more religious man than R?  Shoot, Jesus stays up in his songs, so the religious right will be happy.  Then you’d be able to run him to black folks like he’s that viable alternative to Barack…right?  That ought to make this historic run even more classy….  Then, and this is the kicker, we know he likes them young girls, so he’s literally be able to bang out Palin’s daughter “til the break of dawn,” six months of darkness or not!  And that’s before he offered to keep her warm while “piss on you” played in the background, right?  What, no go?  ha

– Lake

——————-UPDATE————————

Are her kids really named Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, and Trig?  Jeez.  Those sound like Paint colors…or wood finishes.  What were Saddle, Rumpus, Vault, Rudder and Twist already taken?  Are these kids or Transformers?  This is great.  The only better thing would be if the pregnant one was Piper.  No, not because Piper is 7.  Because a pregnant teen named Piper is funnier.  You know nominal presidposition to actually getting “piped”.  My Bad.

-Brock

“Hip Hop Artist” Daddy Yankee Endorses John McCain?

I have one question about this story: Who in the fizzuck is Daddy Yankee?

OK, I’ll ask one more time, who in the hell is Daddy Yankee?

Ohhhhh, it’s the “Gasolina” dude.  HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!  Only in the Republican world would it matter if THIS dude endorsed John McCain.  First of all, I’m better known in “hip hop” than this clown.  And that Gasolina song was just code for “it’s now time to leave the dance floor and get myself another drank” back when it was popular.  Terrible.  That song wasn’t shit until Lil Jon added “skeet skeet skeet” to the damn remix. Fucking horrible.  I will say though, woman liked the song, so it had it’s purposes, so I can’t completely hate on it.  But can someone tell me what else this “hip hop” artist did?  And since when is Reggaeton considered hip hop?  Maybe it’s just me, but Raggaeton aint shit, which probably explains why this cat’s albums have all gone double wood on the billboard charts.

Ridiculous.

– Lake

Old Mayne McCain Has a Senior Moment…AGAIN

Some might think it’s too obvious and cheap to talk about McCain’s “Viagra Problem” given his old age, but I’m not above any of it.

Anyway, the old dude got stumped on a question from a reporter he talks to everyday on his “straight talk airplane” or whatever he calls it. The topic wasn’t complex universal health care restructuring or prescription drug reform..nah, it was why Congress generally and McCain specifically voted to make Viagra available for health care coverage while oral contraception was not. Watch the old guy begin to melt under the pressure.

Ok, is that the cat you want with his finger on the button? I think he got knocked over the head with one too many bamboo sticks in ‘Nam or something. Somebody get this cat a Boost or Ensure before he has to answer a question next time. And did you guys see that cat’s hand? Joint looked like the Crypt Keeper meets Aqua Man.

The scary thing is that I couldn’t tell if dude just blacked out on the issue for a second or if he just side stepped a potential land mine. Hey John, in case you don’t know the answer to that question, I’ll give it to you:

Viagra was made available by Congress, because the religious freaks in this country that lobby for their “faith based initiatives” don’t mind hitting the pharmacy when the good Lord has decided that ole Jeb from “da bible belt” doesn’t need to plant his seed in his old lady/cousin any longer. See, that’s when it’s ok to use science and technology. After all, ‘Git’n her Done is an inalienable God given right…right? But preventing teenagers and other women from getting preggers in the first place…well, “dats jus- unnatural, like Marilyn Manson, Barry Bond’s home run record and the rap muzic.”

Dude, why don’t we just give the election to Obama right now.

McCain might not even make it to November at this rate. The cat is just too old, too stiff (is it me or does it seem like the cat can’t lift his arms above his breast plate?), and too damn weak on basic issues. I mean, he made Bush…BUSH, look like George Washington in that interview. This cat makes John Kerry look Jesse “The Mind” Ventura out here.

Obama in 4 (games, months…whatever…jeez)

– Lake

McCain W. Bush

This dude is too old to understand how much of a fraud he actually is.

What a joke. I mean, there is no way this clown wins on the issues. Of course, with the Republican attack machine, he won’t have to. With that said, even a GOP type can understand how ridiculous McCain is. I mean, Bush puts out that he fathered a “black child” to undermine him in 2000 and then all of a sudden in 2004 McCain is all up on Dubyah’s nizzuts for re-election.

I mean, look at that dude’s expression. Look at the soothing comforted look he’s got across his face. Straight talk, huh? I don’t think so. Forget change, can we just elect a cat who will be breathing in 2012?

– Lake

Old Man McCain Gets The GOP Nomination

Well, well, well.. I guess in the interest of being fair and balanced (as if that exists anywhere) we should post on John McCain’s big win tonight. The very young John Mac went ahead and finally got that 1,191 delegate count needed to secure the Republican nomination.

And then Mike Huckabee conceded. Damn. I’m going to miss ole Huck. You know, with all his “we need to change the US Constitution to fit God’s law” and all those hunting and fishing photo ops. I kinda like the old coot. Who knows, maybe we’ll get him for a VP running mate.

Then we’ll really be able to get this thing poppin’….

Until then, we’ll see the standard payback by McCain for supporting his boy Dubyah.

I would say that Americans will never fall for Dubyah Bush part 2, but I know better. Hell, these idiot Republicans will tell you Bush has been a great President. What can you do? I’m beginning to believe these differences can only be decided by a civil war where I’m quite sure we’ll beat you suckers……AGAIN!

Yeeeee Hawww!

– Lake