Archive for the ‘Sheeeeeeiiit’ Category

Is Janet Jackson Still Bad?

September 17, 2008

Here are some pics from her new concert:

She’s still got the dance moves…

Her side profile game is tight.  Got a nice little tuck in there.  Those calves are thick on em too.  Although I’m starting to think that waist plate is as much functional as it is decorative.

Awwwwwwwww.  What’s up with the knee brace game?  That ain’t sexy!  It’s over Janet, I can’t believe it’s really over.  What about the good times we had?  The Rolling Stone cover.  Your freaky “velvet rope” period.  It was so good.  I’m just going to pretend you still look like this…and that this picture wasn’t photoshopped.

Yeah, that’s how I like it baby.  By the way, I don’t care if she’s lost a step…Jermaine Dupri still ain’t hitting it right.

-Brock

OH MY WORD: Ashley Dupre Sex Tape

July 15, 2008

Dude, usually I’ll tell you that I don’t see these things, but some rat bastard hit me with a “look at this” link and I just went there, foolishly, and this is what I found:

Homey, all I can say is that Eliot Spitzer knew EXACTLY what he was doing when he got a 7 diamond, 8 star, 6 out of 6 turned around baseball cap level whore.

Dog, I feel like I just saw a ghost.  All I can say about this chick is that if you took a vial of pure sex and somehow morphed it into a fleshy form with enough brain to dance around and hit, that’d be THIS chick.  Link is definitely NSFW and it’s definitely right here.

There’s that sideways hat again. lol  Maaaaaaayne, I think Eliot should run for reelection in NY.  After cats see this joint, they won’t be able to fault the man.

I mean, lord help us, what do yall expect the cat to do, NOT hit that?

Wow.

– Lake

Are You Gellin’? The Kardashian Arse Debate Rages On

June 12, 2008

If you’re a loyal reader of UvT you know there has been a crazy debate about Kim K’s ass in the comments section.

A self described and admitted ass geller (lol) “Zsa Zsa Cookie” told us that she knows Kardashian’s ass is not real. She further alleges that Kardashian’s dumper is filled up with the same substance, ass-a-licious love gel, that she put into her very own ass to give herself that synthetic thunder.

I shit you not. And then, she commanded me to google that “Hydrogel Butt Injections” to prove her point. Well, sheeeit, as a committed life long learner, you know her will I did obey and what I learnt astonished me. WOW.. There really is some wild chick flying around the country, selling bagged up ass to the highest bidder! What is this, some kind of bastardized Robin Hood, rob from the lab, give to the needy stripper? And it appears that dat ass is selling like HOE CAKES!!! Dude, I’m like my boy Will from the comments, if the ass gel is so good and so effective in the fight against negative arse-ness, why doesn’t everyone have it? Or do they?

Right and that’s when you start to feel those walls closing in on you. I mean, could you have been hittin gel for all these years and not even know it? If you were running your hands through Barbaro Mane for the better part of your adult life, why not?

Just as an aside, don’t you love how they make the broad so miserable in the “before” pic? I mean, she aint got no lip chap, is in desperate need of Proactiv and from the looks of it just got popped for trying to lift condoms from her local 7-11. I mean, basically they give you a mug shot, right? Then it’s weave time and everything changes. Suddenly our convicted felon has the custom fit and feel of Aubrey from Making the Band. And yes, I’ll resist expounding on Aubrey….this time.

Yo, I’m here to say that I can’t tell you if Kimmy K’s ass is gellin’ like magellean, ok? Lola Luv’s neither.

What I can tell you is that they’re both banging like a benzy and just like Mario Winans, I don’t wanna know. I mean, if you’re gellin, keep it on the lo.

Dude, let’s just try to put that crazy Angel Lola Luv arse into perspective.

I mean, it’s just hilarious to actually think for a microsecond that such an ass could even possibly be “real”. I mean, come on. Has ANYONE seen a body like that? Fine, I’ve seen asses that big, but they’re attached to a regulation sized lower back, a skrong thigh and study calf. I mean, could her shit be any more out of proportion?

I just don’t have that kind of expertise, but the ladies in the comments sections, some that have first ass errr hand knowledge of today’s technology, swear up and down that her ass (and Kimmy K’s) is as phony as a $3 bill.

Man, I hate this shit. It’s like when I first learned that chicks had weaves. Dude, literally, I really didn’t know and I aint been right since! I mean, you can’t trust anything these days. Double D breass-tah-sis have to be looked upon with suspicion, sub prime mortgage backed securities got my 401k actin’ a bitch, Jello allegedly has swine hoof in it (that’s why it’s so good?), and Petro costs $5 a gallon!!! I can’t trust long silky hair without a background check and two witnesses from the hairdressers. 1 in 4 mufuckas in NYC have herpes and now ass aint even ass! Seriously, this is what you call Lake Arlington hell. Forget the culture wars, can a nilla get a honest and wholesome table dance?

Oh yes, it’s all fucked up.

– Lake

New Kind of “Flavor” of Love: Buckeey Sex Tape

May 28, 2008

Wow, new evidence that the Sex Tape Gods are good.

Remember a few weeks ago when I asked for the gods to bring me a new sex tape? Then remember how I professed my guilty admiration for Shay “Buckeey” Johnson, not once, but twice? Sure you do.

Well, once I came back from my crawfish extravaganza over Memorial Day Weekend I woke up to glorious tales of Buckeey Sex Tapes. I did a quick search and *bang* there it was! And oh yes, IT WAS the Buck-meister herself, showing some skills that certainly can pay her billz. And even better, the dirty deeds all went down to some hilarious and appropriate “Jaws” inspired music. I mean, on the rizzeal, peep that NSFW video right HERE or check out the far less inspiring but completely NSFW still shots right here.

Daaaamn. Can I ask, what’s up with women and that “I just got F’d” look yall get. I mean, if I showed you the above pic and you were mildly familiar with getting some arse, you’d know for certain that someone was just getting deep on this broad. Anyway, I appreciate the effort Shay put into this venture, in fact, I think she should quite whatever career she now proclaims to have and just concentrate on big belly dude sex tapes. And don’t get me wrong, I know mostchicks can handle their basic biz in the bedroom, but it’s just nice to get some confirmation that they definitely can (or in Kim Kardashian’s case, can’t) too. I also appreciated the full on post mic check and back-shot “press conference” where she hooked up the completely gratuitous: “Yes, he just nutted all over me” commentary.

Damn, the blog readers may want to rethink their position on chicken headz, baby mamas, video hoes and gold diggers. Now I see why cats kick it with these broads. I mean, that was like watching Miss New Booty, only better.

Now I’ll need to ax the sex tape gods for that Flavor of Love 3 chick “Black’s” sex tape.

Wow, do yall see that hook on picture two? Jeez, she’s got some thangs going on! I mean, baby girl has a body that won’t quit and anyone that dated TO is alright with me as long as she’s a woman (am I the only one who thinks TO might be a bit suspect?).

Also, I mean, come on. A white girl named “Black;” it just doesn’t get any better than that. Sex Tape Gods, I beseech you, bring me more video and reality hizzies unto me: ooooooooohhhhmmmmm…..

– Lake

————UPDATE——————-

Damn Lake. I thought you never watched. All the previous joints were tapes “you heard about from a guy, to said he might have seen it, and said that if you click here you might be able to go see what I’m talking about.” But I guess Buckeey brought you straight to the raw uncut, huh? Hey, I understand. Aside from Hoopz and the new Ms. Black she’s definitely one of the baddest Flavor of Love chicks out there.

Now wasn’t there a rumor that UvT favorite Andre 3000 was hitting that back in the day? I’m sure he knew nothing about this tape. Andre, did you hit it?

You damn right he hit it…and he’d do it again. Don’t let the gear and interpretational singing fool you. Andre is still straight ATL when he needs to be. The best thing about this tape? All the other tapes are always some dumb shit the chick did years ago before they knew they were going to blow up, or from when “they were in love”…this joint looks like it could have been recorded last week. Great.

-Brock

Bow Wow’s Chick Brings that THUNDER!

May 22, 2008

Hey, if there is one thing that’s for certain, it’s that they will continue to produce ridiculously hot babes.  Take this chick for instance, Dollicia Bryan, she’s basically the next Vida Guerra and I’m happy to have made her acquaintance. 

Wow, say what you want about that King, but they bring the heat more often than they don’t.  I can’t believe Lil Bow Wow bagged this broad, but I guess it’s true.

Sheeeeeeeeeiiiit!  That cat is looking like he’s seeing some things, man.  One more. 

That aint no airbrush neither.  Damn.  Something tells me, we’ll be seeing more of this chick.  I know, I know, Video Hizzie is just like the skrip who is just like the pro and the knee bone is connected to the hip bone.. i know. 

– Lake

Dress Codes are a Mothaf*cka!

April 25, 2008

You know what I hate? Dress codes. You know dress codes are racist, right?

Here’s an example of the dress code for Lucky Strike, which is a f’ing bowling alley…a little full of itself, right? Check it out.

No Sweats or Sports Jerseys

No Sleeveless or Excessively Baggy T-Shirts

No Construction Boots

No Headgear (which I assume means hats and not those things Lake had to wear in high school)

(If you didn’t get the point the first time) No Excessively Baggy Clothing

No Plain White Short or Long Sleeve T-Shirts

No Chains

No team logos or gear

Listen, I’m down with no shirt, no shoes, no service rules all day. If you roll into a spot looking like you are about to chill by a pool or step into the Octagon, I don’t want your half naked ass anywhere near me, so I can handle that. I also understand hitting a nice restaurant in flip flops, jeans and the grubby ass t-shirt you got for signing up for a credit card in high school. Those are wide open rules that can be pretty evenly applied. The rules here though…they might as well say “don’t dress like a Black person.”

Case in point. Let’s do a little multiple choice. All three of these people are technically breaking the rules. Who isn’t getting in the club?

Sorry buddy. Long sleeve white T…not getting in. Yeah right.

Excuse me miss. No short sleeve white t’s. I’m afraid you and your headlights are not welcome here.

Excuse me sir. You appear to be a menace to society. Please bowl elsewhere. Seriously. This young brother doesn’t have a chance. He’s not getting in. Meanwhile Ms Pam Anderson up there is probably the most inappropriate of the three. Meanwhile all three of them supposedly wouldn’t get in. You know good and damn well that the “no white t-shirt” rule does not apply to the fitted crew neck Brad Pitt is rocking. It just doesn’t. So why is it there? Because black people like to wear plain white t-shirts and this is a way to keep them out. At the door Brad isn’t getting a second look.  Not never.

Let’s take another look. Dress codes are designed to keep a place looking good right? Keep the place looking respectable, keep it grown and sexy. I get that. So, these guys are basically the epitome of people who aren’t getting in to this spot.

Let’s see, headgear, Excessively baggy shirts and excessively baggy clothing, and chains. Not getting in. But this guy:

Come on in buddy. Those pink crocs really bring out the orange spots in your daisy shorts.

Seriously. That outfit is all good according to this dress code. Birkenstock guy gets in too. As does douchebag overtanned big hair guy, and pop four collars guy.  All those guys are inappropriate as hell.

All I’m saying is this. You know good and damn well what the dress code is set up for. No one wants any of the people above in that club. But the rules don’t prevent them from getting in. “Excessively baggy” just means you get to make a judgment call at the door. When was the last time you saw a fat person in some tight ass gear? They like to keep it loose. Let the air flow.

So now fat people can’t get in? But this guy is sooooo jolly. Sorry big fella, your pants are too loose…I need to see those pants gripping up on those thigh rolls if you want to bowl here tonight. Of course not, this guy is going to get in too.

So fake bouncers at this fake ass club. Loosen up.

-Brock

Silda Spitzer knew about the hoes

April 11, 2008

Of course she did.

It doesn’t excuse it, but clearly Silda knew 1. That Easy E liked to get his freak on and 2. That he was knocking down something other than her for years.

That’s the new word according to sources close to Eliot and Silda Spitzer. I’m not shocked at all. I know that for some of your naive folks out there, it’s as shocking as seeing Kaiser Sose walk straight. Wake up folks. This is what people do…Luke from Accounting is banging out Suzy from Human Resources, who is smoking tweeds on her lunch break with Zach from IT. Just because you can’t see people getting their Client 9 on, riding the white horse or f*cking for snacks, doesn’t mean it doesn’t go on. Always has, always will. But Eliot embarrassed Silda, so even must agree that it’s off with his head.

Never go against the family…Tough.

– Lake

Ok, I get it: Roy Williams Loves Kansas

April 8, 2008

HEY EVERYBODY, Roy Williams wants you to know something, he just loooooooooves KU, Lawrence and the Jayhawks Fans so much that he just happned to rock that ridiculous Kansas Jayhawks sticker/pin or whatever last night on National TV. Not that anybody was going to see it or anything. No way a “classy guy” like Roy would ever use the National title game to make another one of his spontaneous, homespun, hokey statements to try and improve his image.

Is there a less sincere cat in all of America than Roy Williams? Seriously, this guy is made for political office.

All that cat ass crying, lying about what jobs he’s going to take, who he cares about, and what he thinks. Remember when he didm’t give a “flip” about the University of North Carolina job riiiight before he ACCEPTED the University of North Carolina job?

I know Roy, you’ve got kids in the locker room, the same ones you’re about to abandon after saying that you’d never leave Kansas, that you love. Right. What about when he told that story about “mama” and how she used to scrub floors back when he “wuza boy” just so he could drink a Coca-Cola “soda pop.”

Riight, it’s because of “whut” your “mama” did for you that you keep a case of Coke strategically placed behind your desk during a commericial, not because of all that dough you’re stacking as a result of this ad campagin. Is this guy serious? Is anyone falling for this nonsense?

Look, standing in the fan section of a team that just broke the hearts of your “kids” and ruined your season is not evidence of your “giant heart,” it’s weak. It’s wack. It’s well, something that a phony snake oil salesmen from Ashville Norf Cuurlina would pull. The next time you do something that isn’t all about your image, your pocket book and your winning percentage will be the first time Roy. We’ve got you figured out buddy. You walk into recruits’ homes, wrap your arms around their mothers, have a good cry and pull hot players like a mufucka.. I’ll give him that. The boy can recruit! But can he coach? I’m not sold. After you get your face caved in by Kansas it isn’t time to go sit in their VIP section, strap on the Jayhawk sticker, which was strategically affixed to a plain black shirt by the way, and play “good ole Roy from Lawrence errrrr Chapel Hill errrr Ashville.” Whatever. This guy is as slippery as John Calipari. He just comes at you differently.

Roy, your team got embarrassed in a year where they were the prohibitive favorite to win it all. Do you think your fans in NC want to see yo’ candy ass on National TV with a Jayhawk sticker after they just dismantled your squad like that?

(Image from CarolinaSucks.com)

I know, I know, you have “great affection” for the Kansas “pro-grim,” it broke your heart to play that Final Four game, you’ll never do it again and it’s all because you’re just a class act. It shows. Phony.

– Lake

Spitzer’s Pro Shows Some Shake

March 20, 2008

I didn’t put this up before because of the terrible background commentary and because I was really waiting on the clean video to drop. But the people have spoken and they want to see what ole Ashley Dupree is working with. Well, plenty…

Damn, ya think ole girl would be good at what she does? I’m not certain, but after that I think we can all safely say that we understand what Sisqo (by the way, who names themselves after a bootleg, terrible ass liquor?) meant when he said “I like it when the booty go dada dada” in the Thong Song. Lordy.

Larry Flynt take the wheel…. And yes, I know that Joe Francis, owner of Girls Gone Wild, offered her a cool $1 Million for a nude expose before he realized that he had the chick in his ho archives. Ohhh, so close.

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Look, if the babe wants to make money, I’ve got the perfect idea. Hire a Eliot Spitzer look-a-like who can’t act a lick. Do a full on re-enactment of the whole ordeal, I mean from the wire transfers to the reservations to the phone calls and train rides to the sex acts. Do the whole thing up.. And then just market that bitch like a mufucka with Ashley and Fake Spitz as the stars. Don’t tell me EVERYONE won’t watch that. Sheeeit, if they do it right, every degenerate porn addict will have it permanently enshrined in their voluminous collection. But you have to give it a cool title like, “Swallow then Spitz.” Ha, ok, that title is terrible, but you get my drift. But the full-on porno re-enactment is coming. Just wait. Once she squeezes every single dime out of the “legitimate” money making options like her memoir (can a ho have a memoir?) and talk show appearances, then she’ll get back to what she does best.

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Exploiting her body and whoring the place up for a cheap buck. I can’t lie, the babe is pretty good looking. We’ll link up that porno when it comes out because we all know it will. And when it does, I want my cut for the idea.. On second thought, yall can keep that money. Even a certified arse like me has his limitations. Keep that ho money.

– Lake

Tiger Woods Mauls the PGA

March 20, 2008

When people thought of golf, they used to think of this:

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White man, white fans, they’ve even got the American flag flying in the background. Black people were caddies and on the maintenance crew. Well, that’s changed. Here was the scene this weekend.

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Oh hell yeah. Mind you, this is after Tiger drained a 30 foot putt and spiked his hat to the turf like he just broke a 30 yard run between the tackles. This was not what people want to see. Especially since he was won every tournament he’s played in this season. Look Tiger, here is the only way the PGA wants to see you.

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Hell at UvT we know you need to remind people how dominant you are…flex on em homey.

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Look, Tiger might go ahead and win all four majors this year, The way he’s going, he might try to win all of the tournaments that he’s in this year. Jack Nicklaus as 18 majors and 73 tour wins. Tiger has 13 majors and 64 wins. At the pace he’s going, he should have the record by uhhhhh, long about next Tuesday. He really doesn’t want anyone else to win this season. Tiger is staying up in that gym, he’s going to be breaking out the 500 yard drives and 80 foot puts from the bunkers. We got an exclusive picture of Tiger’s latest workout routine.

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That’s right, Tiger’s on swole and ready to roll.

-Brock