Archive for the ‘Assology’ Category

Kim Kardashian Dancing With The Stars Break

September 19, 2008

You’d think that at this point, we’d be getting tired of Kim Kardashian’s ass drapped into some new gear.

But you’d be very wrong.  Dude, maybe it’s just me, but that hook never gets tired.  I mean, in a dress, filling some jeans, up high in some short shorts or down low in some drawls.  I’m sorry ladies, I know she’s a near guarandamnteed gel/silicone abuser.  I know she’s got almost zero personality and I even know that her skills in the sack don’t begin to cash those checks that her ass has been writing.

But it still doesn’t matter.  Angle three please.

I don’t know about that shot.  I mean, really.  Are yall seeing this?  Unbelievable and I don’t know if it’s the best thing ever or the worst.  But those rims look fresh to death.  Anyway, I’m waiting like a mufucker for this season of Dancing With The Stars and it aint because of Warren Sapp, ok?

Well, that’s a lie.  I do want to laugh at Warren, but Kim K in some “buck-ed naked” spandex, slimming down while that tail piece gets fitter, faster, strongerrrrrrrrrrr.

Sheeeeeit.  Even Clay knows that’s the truth.

– Lake

Kat DeLuna And Other Horrible National Athems

September 18, 2008

Listen, if you’re destined to be an R&B star, an actress or even just a solid citizen, just go ahead and be proud of who you are, but don’t fuck with the Star Spangled Banner.  First of all, it’s not really an easy song to sing.  It starts low, goes high and just has a veritable minefield of dynamics and notes that are challenging for even the most advanced singers.  Still, not surprisingly, plenty of cats want to sing it and can’t.  I especially don’t appreciate a cat who tries to put all kinds of personal freaks on the song.   You know, when they add in that extra soul sauce so they can really nail the joint.  I think that’s where Kat DeLuna aka Tina Marie Jr. Jr. went wrong:

Jeez… Can you be a “Pop Sensation” and have a speech impediment?  A few pitch problems maybe?  Lol  Yooo, that “Land of the Free” was CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, even Simon was speechless after that joint.

And by the way, who in the hell is Kat DeLuna?

Damn, thick in the thigh, light in the eye and jeez, the FIRST and ONLY chick I’ve seen that actually sold those high waist shawt shorts, respek.  But why do that when you can always freak the original shorts?

Damn, I need another angle on this:

Wow, that’s a lot of hip for a young girl.  Interesting.  Let’s just hope she steers clear of the enhanced breast plate.  Anyway, I like that first name, Kat.  Ha.  Aint nothing wrong with that, but is she talented enough, well, musically?

Anyway, Kat’s cat ass performance got my thinking, what’s the worst rendition of the Star Spangled Banner I’ve ever heard, oh yes, Carl Lewis’ for sure:

Hilarious.  And while we’re in the jabbing mood, look how this cat murdered the Anthem words:

My goodness.  Haaaaaaaaa  And all those “Middle Amuricans” were just hating my man killing that song.  Come on people, please get those words right, ok?  And if you get into pitch problems on “Rocket’s Red Glare” pull a Carl Lewis and take that “Land of the Free” an octave down, ok?  Oh fuck it, here’s one more.  This cat just tried to power through it.

Ha, terrible.  Thanks for nothing.  USA, USA, USA….

– Lake

Change Has Come: Evolutionary Thickness Right Before Our Eyes

September 18, 2008

People want to hate on my message, but I know there’s a movement in this country.  Yes, all over this nation, millions of women are saying, “Yes We Can,” but I’m not talking about Barack Obama, oh no ma’am.  I’m talking about these thick white chicks that are showing themselves, day in and day out, like X-Men or something.  It’s a true revolution and if you ask me, the future of my race:

My word.  And them draws coming up out of ole girl’s jeans.  Killer.  This is that wild Melissa from Making the Band and the Pussy Cat Dolls show.  Let me tell you, Puff should have taken her for real.  She’s got waaaay better tools than Aubrey.  Speaking of Aubrey, let’s roll some of her recent work.

Not bad.  Do they provide coke on set?

Now I can’t lie.  She does look good.  That vacant, “I’m high and I just jumped off a mic check” always gets the job done.  But didn’t Puff tell her to change that “ho-ish” image up?

Oh yeah.  That’s extremely classy.  And can anyone tell me how many ass cheeks and coochie cuts have been up and down that thing?  Of course, I’m talking about her tongue!  Dammit, I can’t lie.  Topless, licking the pole, J’s sitting on dubbs, thank you lil brother (intern) may I have another?

Wow…  Maybe the tide is turning on this chick.  Though she hasn’t quite mad that evolutionary shift, she’s looking might right…I can’t even lie.

– Lake

Sponge Broad Square Arse: Angel Lola Luv!

September 16, 2008

Albany, NY is the State Capital of New York and a hotbed for progressive ideas around education.  So it was no wonder that the fine public servants in that district choose a true role model to kick off their “Back to School Extravaganza” last week.  Peep the highly motivational speaker, Angel Lola Love at the school assembly.

Haaa, and no, I’m not kidding!  This really is the outfit ole girl rocked at the school as she spoke to our nation’s youth. What possible message could this chick have for the kids?  “If you aren’t smart, don’t have a great personality and lack the proper fatness of the ass to excel in the objectification bidness, maybe you can sell your soul to the local ass gel bootlegger.”

And we wonder why kids are completely fucked in the head.

“Beetle Juice, Beetle Juice, Beetle Juice.”

Goddamn.  Where’s the Gap when you need it?  Anyway, back to discussion at hand.  Can any of you explain to me:

1.  Why Albany Public Schools would EVER invite an ass gelling, breast “through some E’s on that b*tch” enhancing, neck tatting, booty shaking, chick like this to talk to children?

2.  How the ass in question actually became SQUARED the fuck out?

I mean, that shit is just bizarre!  Look at the way the tail gives up high.  It’s creepy.  And I guess I already know the answer, but I still gotta ask, Angel Lola Love’s Ass. Real or FAKE?

Lol…  I tend to agree.  Hey Albany Superintendent of Schools.

YOU’RE FIRED!!!!

– Lake

It’s Official: Angela Simmons Has Stepped Her Game Up

August 27, 2008

Some of us thought it was a fluke or maybe a nice camera angle.  Maybe, but Angela Simmons has DEFINITELY stepped that game up in the last few months.

Dude, a personal trainer can do wonders for the look on a girl.  The babe is just on point.  You gotta appreciate it.

And that angle two was no exception!  In fact, her pretty girl sister, Whatcha Name Simmons, is suddenly looking a little irrelevant.  Girl, if you want to be an actress, icon, something, you best change your game up.  Go blond, go red, date a YT named Laker errrr in the Rock Industry or at very least show us some more skin, side angles, something!

Ahhhh, I love the “look at my ass” lean back pose.  It shows me that Ms. A. Simmons is in tune with what the people want and expect from her.  And from the looks of it, maybe that previous picture wasn’t a fluke after all.

Yes indeedy.  And it’s all due to the work of one man.  Bow Wow.

He may be compared to the size of hand guns and get clowned for throwing up gang signs, but I like the dude.  He keeps a bad babe around him and isn’t that really what it’s all about?

– Lake

————UPDATE————–

I have to admit.  I’ve been firmly planted in the Vanessa Simmons camp until now.  OK, I’m still in the Vanessa camp, but Angela is finally making it look like the two of them are from the same gene pool.  She’s stepping her game up.  I agree with Kanye on that Put On track.  I need just at least one of Russell’s nieces too.

Thick Sorta-Rican, Likely Asian Woman: Tila Tequila Got Ass?

August 20, 2008

You know we try to keep an eye out for unexpected arse and thickness.  I mean, sometimes it just jumps up out of nowhere.  Remember the Badu sightings of ’07?

Ahhh, yes, it’s like where were you on 9/11.  Discovery of dat ass was truly a defining moment for me and I remember it well.  Honestly, just for context, look at what that clown mirror ass looks like from the side, found below, and just ask yourself what the composition of that tail must be like up close and personal.

Seriously, ponder that.  HARD STOP.

Moving on.  What about that thing that jumped up and attached itself to Angela Simmons?

That was so crazy that the only supporting evidence we could find to verify its legitimacy was the fact that Bow Wow was supposedly hitting.  Well, here’s another one.  Peep Tila Tequila’s act:

Say what?  What the farg am I looking at?  Oh wait now, I’mma need me an angle two on that!

Daaaaaayum.  Tila is thicker than a mug!  Had I known this I wouldn’t have stood still while she hooked up that “I kissed a girl and I liked it, taste of her cherry chap stick” special on her show.  Sheeeit, I like this.  Let’s go ahead and just make this an “All Tila’s Undiscovered Ass” kinda day:

Saaaaay whuuuuud?!  Damn, what three inches of rotation can do!  Blasted cameramen!  Curse-ed Lycra!  Now see.  Let that be a lesson to you budding Assologists out there.  My grandpappy warned me of fools tail like this.  He said, “Boy, believe half of what you see and this chick here!!!”  Or something like that.  Stuck with me to this day.  Oh well, at least we’ll always have those Tila NSFW pics.  Peace.

– Lake

Thick Amanda Cicchini: The Saga Continues

August 18, 2008

Boy, I was just chillin out, reading up on my UvT when I saw Brock’s post on that wild Amanda Cicchini. Ohhh wee, that chick is tight.  I don’t know about yall, but this is the one that got me:

Yessir, I must finally be feeling that hippie vibe, because this shot makes a mufucka wanna go green, ya dig?  Then one of our readers put me onto some more pics that I just had to share.  Like to here they go:

Yeah, first you gotta start with that solid soccer pic.  You know that one that really shows you were all that thick came from.  All that cutting, change of direction and running around.  Sheeit, it’s true what they say, what doesn’t thicken you up, will make you stronger.  Soccer is good on the thigh.  Goes together like peas and carrots.

Now see, I really like this shot.  Reminds me of a fine wine.  So many textures and perfectly complex, ya know.  That bouquet is smooth and fulfilling, but that finish is fantabulous with hints of New Yawk City Sorta-Rican.  Sheeit, Cheetara of Thundercats fame would be proud of that posterior.  And the tight black pants?  A gift from above.  I’m not sure who introduced those to the broader public, but by my count it’s been a gift that’s been giving since about ’95.  I appreciate it.

Damn, is this chick fit or not?!  Wow, look at that waist piece.  I know, I know, the tail went into hiding like a frightened turtle.  Who knows, maybe she was going extra hard on the cardio, because this babe is clearly very intimate with the gym.  But please note the omnipresent thigh piece.  I mean, you sop them sumbitches up with some gravy, a biscuit and some slaw and you’re pretty much set for the night.  And maybe it’s just me, but the cheesier the expression/hair, the more attractive this kind of chick is to me.  I love that face she’s making, it just says “I’m ready for a classy evening of Madd Dogg 20/20 preceded by some Applebees.”  Right?

Damn, it’s official.  I just start from those terrible sandals and work my way up.

You know, I always feel bad for the other thick in these pics.  Like how must it feel to know that a bunch of cats are looking at your girl and NOT looking at you, except when they want to make a side crack about how much you’re NOT like little Ms. Thickness rubbed up against you.  I guess it’s just collateral damage, but still I thought I should just mention.  Ah, one more:

Very nice.  This babe just gives you what you want and need in the modern era of thick white chicks.  I like her a lot and in honor of her and the great state of West Virginia, I’ll fire up “Country Roads, Take Me Home” in honor of them legs and that ass.

– Lake

Angela Simmons: Where’d She Get That Ass?

August 6, 2008

So I’m bumping around the web (do people still call it ‘the web’?) and I run into this picture of Angela Simmons, from Run’s House fame, with an extra accessory that I never saw her with before:

Say whuuud?  Are yall catching that?  First off, it looks like she’s lost about 20 or so pounds, which is typical chicks who go out to LA.

She does look good, too.  Skinny works for her.

But any dude with any sort of chick acumen understands that lots of babes are hiding fabulous frames under extra lovin’.  But see, I just can’t go there with this one.  First off, previous pictures don’t reveal a promising bone structure that would produce an upgrade via downgrade.

Uh, no. I don’t see much there.  I spoke to Brock about it earlier and I basically chalked it up to a lucky shot in that first purple dress side shot, which may or may not have been aided by excessive arse clinch (kinda like when they don’t count the world records in track and field due to too much wind).  The one factor that makes me really wonder if there might be some hidden thunder there?  Bow wow.  Dasrite.  It just seems to me that Bow Wow stays with decent babes.  He had Ciara, Dolicia Bryant and yes, Angela Simmons!

I don’t know, something about dude makes me wonder if she might have a lil something extra.  After all, don’t forget that Andre 3000 was up on that Badu before anyone knew she had what she had.

Nice effort from Angela though.

I know, I know.

– Lake

Some Pictures Don’t Require Words

August 6, 2008

But when have you known me to stay quiet?

And yeah, I know I’m late and this picture IS fairly creepy, but Kim K. is Ray Jay/Reggie Bush tested and UvT approved, so she’ll always get positive press on this blog.

Oh yeah, Kimmy K is an attractive Armenian-American…with pretty teeth.

– Lake

——–UPDATE——-

This would be way more intriguing if we could just imagine Kim Kardashian was good in bed and gave good head.  Unfortunately (fortunately?) we know both aren’t true.  I mean, I’ve heard both aren’t true.

-Brock

Say what you want, but Kardashian pics never get old

July 31, 2008

Bumping around the web today and I’m just doing my thing. Yep, there’s Amy Crackhouse’s pops saying she went to the hospital b/c of a ruffie in her drank. Ok, there’s the one Kardashian sister I don’t care about (the one that looks like Chyna). Yep, Nick Hogan is still an asshole and then it hit me. What do you ask? THIS!

“Get sillaaaaaay.” Dude, you’d think after a while that you’d stop being shocked by that Kardashian tail. But I’m here to tell you, it gets me every time. And by the way, those horizontal stripes don’t do much to tone down the thunderous rage she’s got going on trunk side.

Damn. And while we’re talking about it, why do women have to grab up on the J’s when they’re looking in the mirror at the store? Realistically, what are you figuring out when you grip on up? Is it like a dude when he’s got to reposition his junk? I don’t get it, but in the case of Kimmy K, it can only be a good thing.

Hey, cats can hate, but this is a really bad chick. I actually like that dress. Look at me getting sucked in.

And yes, that dress does make your ass look big. This chick being featured daily can’t be good for many relationships out here. Kim is really fucking up the game. I can’t even lie.

– Lake