Hip Hop 101: Hip Hop Decoded!

I’ve already brought you a short class on Assology.  There will be another lesson upcoming for the Spring Semester with a deeper look into the tail piece along with some new findings.  But I also wanted to introduce a new topic.  Rap music.

I know that everyone doesn’t like or understand Rap music.  For some people, maybe they just can’t get down with the lyrics, the beats, or the artists.  In reality, rap music brings important messages to everyone, so to help bring this message to a broader audience, popular songs have been reduced to easy to understand mathmatics based graphs.

Let’s start off simple.  UvT has studied the work of the late great Christopher Wallace who adopted the oxymoranic nomenclature of Biggie Smalls and determined that there is a direct relationship between Money and Problems.

We also found that if you look closely at a unique phenomenon called “1,2,3 & to the Fo'”.  When it occurs, both Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre will be at the Doe 100% of the time.  We’ve called this the “G-Thang effect“.

This one become a bit confusing.  Ultimately we know that “Bitches Ain’t Shit but Hoes and Tricks“, but the use of the vernacular “ain’t” keeps this in the realm of mere theory for now. 

We suspect that the true finding of this study will be that but stating “Bitches ain’t shit” it means that they are in fact always less than or equivalent to shit.  Such a revelation would throw the entire space time continuum into flux, so we will be careful with the announcement.

In the meantime, there are tributes to our finding popping up already:

In our final finding, we’ve found a way to determine when, in fact, you gotta say it was a good day.  This finding is based on the field research of O’Shea Jackson.  Like Samson his work was better before he cut his hair, but he will be remembered as one of the greatest.

Class Dismissed.

-Professor Brock

Don’t go Dr. Dre

Doctor Dre was the latest cat to “retire” from rapping. He said it’s a young man’s game and I’d agree with him if ole boy didn’t come out at the VMAs, making this XXL look like an Extra Medium.

Sheeyut, this cat looks like he’s ready to start at Strong Safety for the Bills.

Well anyway, nobody has put tricks, hizzoes, marks, busters, mark ass busters and beeyatches in the spotlight like this cat, so I guess we eerr they owe him a debt of gratitude.

On a positive note, he brought us NWA, Snoop Doggy Dogg, Tha Dog Pound (whoever that is), Warren G, Eminem, 50 Cent and the Game (you can’t hate on that list).

(I used to love a LA Kings hat or that Raiders Bucket? Killed em with it)

On a negative side he brought us YoYo and Michel’Le.

Ok, I’ll admit it, I used to think Michele was hot..if my memory serves me, she was kind of thick up on em, right? Hmm, maybe she was. Still she had that Mickey Mouse club speaking voice that was never what you wanted. But then again she did have Nicety, Something in My Heart, and No More Lies. I gotta think on that one.

Hopefully on his way out, Dre will take this cat with him:

(Seriously, LL has gotten a pass for a loooong time, getting away with this brand of nonsense. Everything Canibus said on 2nd Round Knockout was true)

And this cat too?

Yo, the GrandMaster is a legend and I’m sure he’s a good dude, but you just got to go. You really look like someone’s pops and don’t think you’re fooling anyone with that “signature hat” you rock. We know you’re as bald as Britney up under that thing. That aint no fashion statement, it’s a necessity.

(Or at least it’s dying)

Clearly these fools haven’t gotten the memo that their time has past, we need some new blood in hip hop. Or maybe we just need Hip Hop to go away or morph into something else. I don’t know, unless OutKast comes back to save it, I think we’ll be degenerating further into the abyss that is Finger Snap Dances and Rap/Rock combos. Who knows, maybe Jay-Z’s new album set for release in November, American Gangster, will bring it all back. Doubt it. His last one was just ok for me.

– Lake

VMAs roundup: It’s Britney B*tch!

I don’t know, maybe I’m just getting old (ok, I know I am), but the VMAs was a disappointment for me this year.

First off, let me say that whoever had the idea to have it in Vegas at one hotel where you can rock multiple parties at once, GENIUS. That was hot and good luck to anyone who is trying to get into that party next year. That’s one ticket I wish I had. Second, Timbaland rocking the music for the entire production was really hot. It really took that aspect of the show to the next level, unfortunately, half the performances were never seen or were heard as they went to commercial. Hell, the jam sessions in the suites seemed better than all the main stage shows. As I was watching all these cats, I got a rejuvenated appreciation for Diddy and his show from back in the day when he rocked that “Pass the Courvoisier” extravaganza with Busta Rhymes and Pharrell. At any rate, the joint was eventful, so I’ll just hit the high and low-lights for my peoples.

1. “It’s Britney Bitch”

Wow, what can I say about this performance? It sure wasn’t that old Britney we all knew and loved.

Hey, let me preface my comments by saying that I actually want Britney to succeed as I know my man Brock does. I have a soft spot for her being that she was a pioneer in the “thick white woman era“, something I hold near and dear to my heart. So let me start with the positive, her new song, “Gimme More” isn’t horrible. It’s actually passable.

With said her performance reminded me of something you’d see in a bad Canadian strip club (Niagara Falls, Montreal or Toronto, take your pick).

(I did appreciate seeing this little greazy curly headed brother trying to get his K Fed on)

Based on her dance moves, if I didn’t know better I’d tell you that Britney can’t dance. I mean, the babe was just robotic, off-beat, uninspiring and overall just terrible dude.

(oh, that’s just not right)

And why did she have to come in buck eeerr butt naked? I know that’s her calling card, but we really didn’t need to see that. And while I know we’ve debated this point back in forth on this site, but Britney IS NOT BACK!!! That midsection is not in pre-K Fed form, and certainly not together enough to be rolled around the stage, showing that side view.

I just wish I could have watched the show next to Simon Cowell, you know he must have simple said: “ghastly” when he saw that foolishness.

Not a full on debacle, but that’s only because she had the good sense to fully lip-sync. She’s crazy, but she aint that crazy.

2. The Fight: Tommy Lee v. Kid Rock

Hey, it was pretty hilarious if you ask me. Of course they didn’t actually show the fight, but as Pam Anderson, the ex-wife of both rockers, was presenting an award she kept telling Tommy Lee to “shut up”. LOL At any rate, Jamie Foxx came back after a break and started talking crazy about “who won the fight”. Then later I guess he dropped a white-on-white violence jab. Hilarious stuff.

(this is Kid Rock before the VMAs last night, the cat is looking a little feral)

Well, apparently, Kid Rock didn’t like what he was hearing from young Thomas because the story goes, as told by Sway (the most annoying man in the world who claimed he “saw it all”), Kid Rock rolled up on Tommy and just “decked him” out of nowhere while Tommy was talking to Puff.. Hot.

Not matter what, Tommy didn’t seem to mind. Look at his face after the incident as security was talking him out of there. When asked if he was hurt, Tommy reported replied, “Hell no, everybody knows I can’t feel my face”.. figures.

I guess a bad lady like Pam Anderson, who can do the things I’ve seen err heard she’s done on her sex tape which is linked from HERE, will drive a man crazy.

3. Chris Brown getting his Charlie Chap/Michael Jackson on

Look, I won’t lie to you, I like Chris Brown. I think the dude either is crazy talented or he’s got some insane ghost writer (more likely both) and his current song Wall to Wall is hot. With that said, I wasn’t all that impressd with that performance. Again, I’ll borrow from Simon and say, predictable.

(come on, this looks like a high school musical)

You just knew that Chris would do something theatrical, then try a thrice done tribute to some old entertainer (MJ), then finally try to stick the landing with his own flavor. Ok, dude’s got talent, but that Charlie Chaplin foolishness was not hype. The Michael Jackson moves are always cool, but we see that same show each and every year by every single R&B dancing fool in the business. And that pelvis pump with the tight grip up on the nizzuts? Awful.

I mean, who knows, Genuwine, Usher, wild Timberlake, everybody does that foolishness. If you ask me, Chris Tucker is better than all of em doing the MJ.. but whatev.. Hey, Chris, here’s a novel idea, try SINGING during your performances for once. I’m tired of you lip syncing as you roll around on the ground, jump from pillar to post and gyrate all over the damn place. I want to actually hear you sing, for once, ok?

4. Alicia Keyes

I won’t spend much time on Keyes. Her voice was as impressive as ever. I just have to say, A. Stay at the piano, because you don’t move that well, B. Holler at one of those Hollywood diet/personal trainer combinations because it’s getting away from you around them hips, and C. stay off the weave, that 70’s throwback hairdo was not hot.

And yes, all that extra lettuce up in there IS DEFINITELY weave, I don’t care how pretty her normal hair is..

5. Dr. Dre MUST BE on Steroids, HGH, Ephedra, and some wild wolf blood or something. Did yall see that cat underneath that XXL sweat top?

My word, he literally looked like the Incredible Hulk. I guess homey got tired of hearing those threats from Suge Knight. I mean, look at what this cat looked like as a young man.

Overall, Timbo made the joint fresh and new. I liked how Justin Timberlake made mention of the fact that MTV never shows videos anymore, hell, I barely knew half the nominees. Vegas was innovative, but I guess whatever lackluster feeling I’m having is the same one Kanye had when he said, “I ask, does anybody make real shit anymore?” I don’t know. Forget Hip Hop, music might be dead…

– Lake