Ms. England Pageant Needs To Step It Up

I can admit that it’s in my nature to hate. That’s fine, but there’s really something wrong with the Ms. England competition.

Hey. I know what you’re thinking and I’m not trying to fuck with the already ridiculous body image of my lovely ladies, but somebody has to say something. But before I start up, let me just say that it aint just Ms. Surrey over there on the left that’s off key, because I think Ms. Plain Jane-shire on the right looks about as good as the chick that just sold me $4.11 gas and a single pack of fig newtons last night. Damn. And it’s not like these chicks aren’t trying to look good, they’re dipped in body and face paint to look their best. Is this the best this nation has to offer?

Are you serious? I do appreciate the cottage cheese avoiding low slung wrap piece, though. That at least let’s me know that she knows. Now we can safely assume that she’s not one of those “Yeah, AND?! I know I look good” type babes.

And I know that there are dudes out there that love the big girls (And they always say the same thing, “Did you see that ass?”), so I’m not hatin’. But come on. You just gotta know your limits. Ms. Surrey here, she clearly doesn’t know her limits.

I know, I know, she’s “really pretty”…right and why do women always say that about a babe who is bigger and just not ugly. But do you see that amorphous gut piece? That aint big and sexy… That aint, “I have a curves…I don’t look like a little boy,” another big girl on offense favorite. Wowzers, All I’m saying is to keep it tight within the genre. Like most plus sized models, they’re fairly tight within their genre.

And just to let yall know, it took me entirely too long to find a big girl who was tight “within her genre”.. I know they’re out there, but it was HARD, ok? I will say it takes a lot of balls to roll out like ole Ms. Surrey though. And who really choose that babe to represent Surrey to begin with?

I mean, if you’re going to go big girl pageant love, you gotta do it right. Come on now. I don’t see how she got that big to begin with, it’s not like there’s anything to eat over there anyway. The food is awful.

Incidentally, that’s not impressive either and she’s literally Ms. England. I can see the thickness mandate hasn’t made it across the pond yet. “USA, USA, USA…”

– Lake

Good Draws Gone Bad

You know how Lake and I do it here at Us Versus Them. We give you exactly what you want. Gotta stay up on the new ladies, give you all the fresh angles, hit you with your daily chick fix. Peep out miss Katie “Jordan” Price.

If you do a Google search on her, you will see that these pictures don’t really give justice to her J game. She’s a model and clearly knows what she’s doing. Let’s see what else she’s working with:

There’s Jordan front and center looking….oh hail naw, what the…no. Seriously? Look, I get it, everyone needs draws. Everyone deserves to be sexy. I get it. Hey number 1, sure…we can work with her. She looks like an extra swole Britney Spears. She’s still got a semi sexy pair of panties on. Number 2 looks like she might be able to bench press 135, but she at least knows how to strike the pose that makes her look best. Number 3, she is in the two dessert club, but she looks like she is down with rocking the big draws in a photo shoot. Is it just me or does number 5 look like her panties are actually loose? Number 6…looks like she may actually be pregnant for real. She’s got that pose and look in her eyes like she’s saying “If I wasn’t knocked up I’d be the baddest damn chick up here”. Now…the tail dog…running the anchor spot, making those stripper heels pay a price for leaving their box. I mean she does not look at all pleased to be there. Like she was told they were taking a trip to the Red Lobster for some cheddar biscuits and she ended up half butt naked on a stage.

Hey I’m all for socialist modeling…you know what, no I’m not. This isn’t right…just isn’t right at all. There’s a fine line between girl power and publicly humiliating the big girl. This crosses that line.

-Brock

Weird Video: Flashing Lights, Kanye West

I’m not sure I get this video concept. Maybe it’s just a snippet. Either way, it’s like too much and not enough all wrapped up into one.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Also, I can’t decide if that chick in the video was just thick up on em or Superthick, push back away from it.

See what I mean? Don’t get me wrong, it’s right, but how much “right” is there? Too much? Here’s another shot of her.

And another with the Not Safe For Work Joints right HERE, HERE and HERE.

Her name is Rita G. and I just learned that ole girl is selling her used drawls up on her website. I don’t usually do this out of my immense respeck for women, but:

Nobody wants you nasty ass, video ho draws. Aint no telling who’s been up in them draws. From Jim Jones, to Charlie Sheen, to Tony Yayo… just terrible.

– Lake

The Superbowl Halftime Show Even Worse Than You Thought

I know I’m a little late on this one, but that Superbowl Halftime show was the worst. I know Janet whipped out the most famous right tit-tay in the history of television, but Tom Petty?  Do we really need to be that safe?  Here is the funny thing about the Tom Petty performance.  You know how they have the “fans” run out onto the field? (Of course they have been pre-screened, pre-trained on how and where to run out, background checked and kept in a holding pen under the stadium until needed) but they were the oldest, most non athletic runners I’d ever seen. I saw one dude that looked like he hadn’t run 40 yards in years. Seriously, look at this crowd.

Peep ol’ girl with the red hair. Who’s moms is that?

Did the superbowl committee supply everyone with LED “lighters”? You know good and damn well that many people don’t smoke anymore.  Seriously, I know they are trying to create a “concert” atmosphere, but that is just waaaaay too fake for me.  I was looking for the lingerie bowl, the Bud Bowl, the WWE Rock v. Mankind Halftime Heat in the empty stadium, a Go Daddy commercial that is actually good…anything else.  I’ll tell you one thing I did notice…

I don’t know if Kanye did her beats, but someone certainly put Ms. Jordin Sparks on that Kanye Workout plan. I suspect that “belt” is helping her keep it tight, but she’s definitely heading in the right direction. I’ll tell you who else is letting you know what happens when keeping it thick goes right, Alicia Keys.

I don’t know about the Leopard skin, but it is gripping on those thighs just right.

-Brock

Flavor of Love 3 is here! Predictions Anyone?

Ready or not, the Flavor of Love 3 premier is coming to VH1 on February 11, 2008:

I know a lot of you hate this show, but I enjoy it. As such, I’m going to give you my completely superficial rundown of the Flavor of Love 3 girls based solely on their glamor shots and whatever other pics I could dig up.

There are a bunch of chicks, so I’ll break them up and do a few each day. So let’s just start right now and find out who’s really there “for Flav” and who is “just there for tv”.

Chicken 1. “Shy” or as i like to call her “Fake New York”

Well, VH1 has done the impossible. They’ve found someone who actually makes New York look good. Jeez. I’m not sure, but I’m guessing that this is what New York looks like before they spray on her face. I’d like to say baby just caught a bad angle, but we checked the other angles too.

They’re all bad, but that is the classic NY mouth after she’s smoked a pack of heaters and downed 2 or 6 Smirnoff Twists.

Prediction: Her name is “Shy” but with a face like that she’s got to be used to being told that she’s ugly; a fact I’m quite sure she’s conveniently characterized as jealousy and hate. There appears to be a slight J game and something more than a negativity ass, so somewhere, somebody has been trying to hit. That means Flav would be willing to hit as well. Undoubtedly, this has contributed to her false confidence and belief that she’s actually going to be one of the “pretty girls” vying for Flav’s heart just like her look alike Tiffany Pollard did. Alas, it will not be so. After a late night romp in the hotub replete with a Flavor Mic Check, she’ll start taking plenty from the other girls for being a “broke ass New York” which quite possibly will result in her horrible weave getting pulled loose in a scuffle with another ragga-muffin. Then baby girl will be eliminated for fighting once Flav hooks up the old “I can’t have no drama in my house Shy, I love you baby, but you’re time is up girl” and off she’ll go direct-it-tally to The Valley to shoot part two of that fake Tiffany Pollard/White Boy (from I Love NY) Sex Tape (NSFW FOUND HERE) we posted a few weeks back. Book it.

Chicken 2. “Peechee” – The big girl who has no chance and knows it

Now we all know this babe. It’s the same story, new skin color. To understand her role you need only look to that equally horrible chick “Like Dat”.

Prediction: She’ll survive the first elimination just on GP because Flav will love “how real she keeps it” but we’ll all know the ax awaits. I’m sure she’ll be full of personality, very funny and genuinely nice. That’s why she’s horrible for the show and why I will personally hate her. That’s also why I won’t spend another inch of cyber space on her insignificant ass. Next.

Chicken 3. “Shor-tee” – the babe who probably should be with Flav for real

Look, I can tell by the way this chick is holding here body that she’s got something up behind that wild animal print. Clearly she’s packing thunder. Now I’ll take that to offset her somewhat attractive, though odd, alien dome piece. Add to it the tats up on the chest piece and you basically have the chick Flavor Flav probably should be able to pull in real life, but not too high level such that she really wouldn’t even f*ck with him (see Hoopz). That’s this chick. Then I saw this pic which I’m told is affiliated with a myspace page:

See, if that’s your intro pic to your myspace page, that means you have some more provocative joints you’re sitting on for the future, which means you’re probably a stripper or full-time freak. Either way, it fits nicely within my assumptions based solely on her appearance.

Prediction: Babe goes relatively far based on her unconfirmed but probable tailpiece (can see it from the front) and fair complexion (sorry, we’re talking Flav now). Stripper attitude and report with Flav makes her somewhat of a house threat/target.

That’s it for now. Tomorrow I’ll post up another three or so chicks and then we’ll have them all. The show airs on February 11, 2008. Should be decent.

– Lake

When thick goes wrong…horribly wrong.

Now see, you start writing assology posts and paying homage to asymmetrical thickness and what do you get? This:

I’m told this is Ashanti’s sister, Not-Ashanti…. Awww, Brock warned us against the perils of the superthick chick, but somehow, everybody out there just didn’t hear him. Listen, you should love your body and hey, you’re a beautiful woman, inside. But you just gotta know that your dress aint poppin, that knee cap game aint hittin and that “just for me” alleged Hawaiian silky hair piece does not give you a free pass to step outside your position and try to play the role of a chick who can really pop that hip, slightly part those lips, look at the camera and say “yeah, and?!”

Nah baby. I wonder where these chicks get the idea that A. this is sexy and B. you gotta reverse your weaknesses by highlighting them in a too tight, too short, “freak me right after I hit the buffet” dress. Oh, I see, she gets it from her mama (shown on the far right).

I’m not a religious man, but Jesus, whenever you’re free, please step in and holler at each one of these chicks, thanks. See, the problem with this chick, and hundreds around the nation like her, is that when she rocks this outfit in the club, no less than 10 dudes lean over to their boy and utter those 5 unacceptable words, “did you see that ass?”

Yes we did and it was just shy of 2 girls, one cup terrible.

– Lake

Deelishis looking svelte: Airbrush or Trimspa?

Previously super thick chick Deelishis from Flavor of Love 2 fame is featured on Smooth Girl Magazine.

I love the Smooth line of magazines. They don’t bother with articles or hackneyed err witty lists of “Best places to get laid” like Maxim and FHM. No, they just go straight for the jugular, providing an array of glossy angles of various asses, breat-tah-sis and weaves in front of rims, rappers and an occasional LA beach scene. You have to respect it.

Those thighs are awfully slim. Not at all like what we’re used to. S0 I’ve got to ask you one simple question. Do you think Deelishis really tightened it up or did their intern just complete a 2 day course in photoshop over at the DeVry “University”?  I know, I know, if the tail is real so too could the slimmed down body.  Hey, why not just say the hair is real too, possible, right?  Uh, no actually.

Come on now, this babe is looking like a Roger Rabbit extra in this shot.  It’s definitely the brush.

– Lake

Assology 101

I mentioned a few posts ago that I have a masters in Assology. It allows me to identify a tight booty from 20 paces. I can see it coming, identify it from any angle. Hell, tell me where a girl was born, her favorite food, and two hobbies and I can take a pretty good guess. I love ass. I look at every ass I see. You’ve gotta hone your skills in the field. With Lauren London and Beyonce causing a bit of controversy here at UvT, I decided to let you know how to analyze that ass on your own. Pay attention kids, Professor Hardon is about to lay it down for you.

We’re gonna keep it simple. Let’s just talk about how to identify the various types of ass:

Negative arse:

We’ve covered the negative arse here at UvT plenty of times. It is the easiest to spot, but here’s how to identify the details.

Okay, here’s the back view. I mean this chick goes shoulders to knee with no interruption whatsoever. There is no tuck on the top, no tuck on the bottom.  Damn, this babe looks like she might not even have an ass crack.  What does that look like from the side, you ask?

Yeah, as I said…you could run your hand down her back trying to cup an ass cheek run right past it. You probably wouldn’t know you made a wrong turn until you feel the back of her heel.

The negative arse babe is really limited to skinny chicks. When a babe with no ass packs on too much weight, you end up with the dreaded muffin top.

Whew. Muffin tops are a real debacle, and that babe has been baking all day. I mean the only reason you even think there is an ass under there is the fact that the waistband of the jeans cuts that back fat off at an arbitrary point. Terrible, these muffin top chicks have to know this isn’t acceptable, right?

Here’s where it gets fun.

Athletic ass:

Let’s start here with Jessica Alba in jeans.

You know the body is tight up under there. She gives you a little hook in the booty, legs stay tight (always key for the ass, thighs and calves play an important role in evaluation. What you see is what you get here.

Clothes on, or clothes off…this is the sweet spot. This is the best a white babe can work toward, it means she was a dancer or athlete at some point. As I said, you can see it all the way through the thigh. That is how you get built up like Biel.

As I said, you can’t trust a White chick with more body than this. You start venturing into Brooke Hogan, Coco T territory after this point. Unfortunately some of the brothers who like the crossover game don’t heed the warnings of Professor Brock and think they’ve found the “thick white girl”, built just like a sister.

In reality you just get “in them jeans” girl who is packed in too tight. An example you say?

Packed and Stacked in those pants ass:

I know, I know, she’s thick right? Naaaaaaah meng. That calf lets you know you are in trouble from the start, by time you get to that thigh with narum a definition you know that those khaki shorts are hiding a dirty secret. I get it, you watch chicks walking down the street and see this:

But you get em butt naked and you get this:

These babes have all kinds of tricks, you gotta know when it is too good to be true! Turn back before you get caught up.

Now there is a level beyond this. The holy grail if you will. As I said, it is a level of ass unachievable by the white woman, the in them jeans babe is a dirty doppelganger of the real deal.

Thick ass:

This is only achievable by black chicks. Sorry, it’s genetics. No fat, just pure muscle covered in silky smooth perfection. Check this:

I mean look how strong she is through the calves and knees, how the back tightens right back up at the top. Pure perfection here fellas.

The lesson should end here today, but there is yet another level. I don’t advocate it but some cats love it.

The Superthick:

Now you know that isn’t right. If you ever need to identify what you’re working with the key is in those knees. You see that extra layer of love on the inside. Stay back. That extra booty fat also shuts down the crease. If you can’t see the back dimples, put down the butt cheek. It isn’t going to turn out well.

Back later with more advanced lessons.

-Brock

Halloween Hangover

Superthick chick Melyssa Ford had her Halloween/Birthday party on Halloween night and here are pics from the party.  Let’s see what the D-List was wearing.

Melyssa went as a member of the Camel Toe Racing team.  Nice.

Golden Brooks is trying to let the Dancing With the Stars Has Beens people know that she is available for next season.

I don’t know who this chick is, but Hocahontas will always be welcome at UvT.  She just wanted everyone to know that she has that Indian Hair.  ha!

Once again evidence that Halloween is just an excuse to get as naked as possible.  Is that giraffe?

I fight broke out and someone had to call the Holice.

Now this is a disappointment.  Mya usually delivers, but this is a lackluster effort from her.  She was about to get a profile as one of the UvT faves based on the strength of her King Magazine appearances alone.  Let’s try another angle.

Oh damn, that’s worse.  Yeesh.  She’s gonna have to take a lap on this one before she gets front page status here.  Get your game tight.  Try to capture the magic of a few years ago when you put on this show.

Booty clutched tight like Britney on that one.

The legendary thighs…  Now when I said take a lap I didn’t mean a lap dance, but I’ll take it.

Anyway, there ware some dudes at the party too.  Let’s not leave them out.  I think this guy should win costume of the night.  This cat dressed up as Rog from “What’s Happening?”.

Man, he looks just like him.  Ha!

This guy had an interesting costume:

He went as a dude who just played himself for the rest of his life.

Seriously.

-Brock

“Fashionable” hip hop artists going too far

Is it just me or is Hip Hop completely losing their minds? Seriously, cats are just trying too hard to show me that they’re not like everyone else. That somehow they’re extra Euro Gay but in a “no homo” kind of way.

Look, wearing a cockeyed belt and your make-up less lady rocking a block on her arm does not make you fashionable. It makes you two outfits away from being a damn freak. Part of what we like about Kanye is that he’s more like us than these fake studio gangsters. The guy reminds you of someone you know, someone who is real and accessible. Now he’s weirding out on some ole other shit much like the early stages of Michael Jackson and Prince.

When are these cats going to realize that you can take chances and show that you’re different without completely isolating yourself to Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears or Tom Cruise land.

(Come on Skateboard P. You’re super lean and it’s still extra medium in your mid drift and what’s with that unconfirmed Asian cat next to you, looking like an accessory)

Some how things were so much easier when cats just dressed like this.

(what, in my YT, yup, in my YT)

Sure they looked ridiculous, but at least they weren’t on that “stupid spaceship shit that don’t make no sense” to quote Mobb Deep.

(Chalk this up to when thick goes wrong)

Come to think about it, let’s not go back to the old days (or current days in Trina’s case). I can’t take it.

Dammit.

– Lake