Kim Kardashian Dancing With The Stars Break

You’d think that at this point, we’d be getting tired of Kim Kardashian’s ass drapped into some new gear.

But you’d be very wrong.  Dude, maybe it’s just me, but that hook never gets tired.  I mean, in a dress, filling some jeans, up high in some short shorts or down low in some drawls.  I’m sorry ladies, I know she’s a near guarandamnteed gel/silicone abuser.  I know she’s got almost zero personality and I even know that her skills in the sack don’t begin to cash those checks that her ass has been writing.

But it still doesn’t matter.  Angle three please.

I don’t know about that shot.  I mean, really.  Are yall seeing this?  Unbelievable and I don’t know if it’s the best thing ever or the worst.  But those rims look fresh to death.  Anyway, I’m waiting like a mufucker for this season of Dancing With The Stars and it aint because of Warren Sapp, ok?

Well, that’s a lie.  I do want to laugh at Warren, but Kim K in some “buck-ed naked” spandex, slimming down while that tail piece gets fitter, faster, strongerrrrrrrrrrr.

Sheeeeeit.  Even Clay knows that’s the truth.

– Lake

Change Has Come: Evolutionary Thickness Right Before Our Eyes

People want to hate on my message, but I know there’s a movement in this country.  Yes, all over this nation, millions of women are saying, “Yes We Can,” but I’m not talking about Barack Obama, oh no ma’am.  I’m talking about these thick white chicks that are showing themselves, day in and day out, like X-Men or something.  It’s a true revolution and if you ask me, the future of my race:

My word.  And them draws coming up out of ole girl’s jeans.  Killer.  This is that wild Melissa from Making the Band and the Pussy Cat Dolls show.  Let me tell you, Puff should have taken her for real.  She’s got waaaay better tools than Aubrey.  Speaking of Aubrey, let’s roll some of her recent work.

Not bad.  Do they provide coke on set?

Now I can’t lie.  She does look good.  That vacant, “I’m high and I just jumped off a mic check” always gets the job done.  But didn’t Puff tell her to change that “ho-ish” image up?

Oh yeah.  That’s extremely classy.  And can anyone tell me how many ass cheeks and coochie cuts have been up and down that thing?  Of course, I’m talking about her tongue!  Dammit, I can’t lie.  Topless, licking the pole, J’s sitting on dubbs, thank you lil brother (intern) may I have another?

Wow…  Maybe the tide is turning on this chick.  Though she hasn’t quite mad that evolutionary shift, she’s looking might right…I can’t even lie.

– Lake

Thick Never Goes Out Of Style

With all this political banter, I figured I needed to offer a bit of levity in the form of irrefutable thickness.  As such, here are those thick thighs of Ashanti, something we know for sure is good for America:

“Oh-oh say can you see”

“Ah-Ashanti’s thick thighs, what so proudly he nails.”

“And Oh Damn, she leaned back again.”

Ok, there you go.  Thickness that America can get behind.  And while we’re at it, we saw this today.

I’m not sure that’s something I could, well, get behind, but it’s definitely all American, gel ass and all.

– Lake

Thick Sorta-Rican, Likely Asian Woman: Tila Tequila Got Ass?

You know we try to keep an eye out for unexpected arse and thickness.  I mean, sometimes it just jumps up out of nowhere.  Remember the Badu sightings of ’07?

Ahhh, yes, it’s like where were you on 9/11.  Discovery of dat ass was truly a defining moment for me and I remember it well.  Honestly, just for context, look at what that clown mirror ass looks like from the side, found below, and just ask yourself what the composition of that tail must be like up close and personal.

Seriously, ponder that.  HARD STOP.

Moving on.  What about that thing that jumped up and attached itself to Angela Simmons?

That was so crazy that the only supporting evidence we could find to verify its legitimacy was the fact that Bow Wow was supposedly hitting.  Well, here’s another one.  Peep Tila Tequila’s act:

Say what?  What the farg am I looking at?  Oh wait now, I’mma need me an angle two on that!

Daaaaaayum.  Tila is thicker than a mug!  Had I known this I wouldn’t have stood still while she hooked up that “I kissed a girl and I liked it, taste of her cherry chap stick” special on her show.  Sheeeit, I like this.  Let’s go ahead and just make this an “All Tila’s Undiscovered Ass” kinda day:

Saaaaay whuuuuud?!  Damn, what three inches of rotation can do!  Blasted cameramen!  Curse-ed Lycra!  Now see.  Let that be a lesson to you budding Assologists out there.  My grandpappy warned me of fools tail like this.  He said, “Boy, believe half of what you see and this chick here!!!”  Or something like that.  Stuck with me to this day.  Oh well, at least we’ll always have those Tila NSFW pics.  Peace.

– Lake

Thick Amanda Cicchini: The Saga Continues

Boy, I was just chillin out, reading up on my UvT when I saw Brock’s post on that wild Amanda Cicchini. Ohhh wee, that chick is tight.  I don’t know about yall, but this is the one that got me:

Yessir, I must finally be feeling that hippie vibe, because this shot makes a mufucka wanna go green, ya dig?  Then one of our readers put me onto some more pics that I just had to share.  Like to here they go:

Yeah, first you gotta start with that solid soccer pic.  You know that one that really shows you were all that thick came from.  All that cutting, change of direction and running around.  Sheeit, it’s true what they say, what doesn’t thicken you up, will make you stronger.  Soccer is good on the thigh.  Goes together like peas and carrots.

Now see, I really like this shot.  Reminds me of a fine wine.  So many textures and perfectly complex, ya know.  That bouquet is smooth and fulfilling, but that finish is fantabulous with hints of New Yawk City Sorta-Rican.  Sheeit, Cheetara of Thundercats fame would be proud of that posterior.  And the tight black pants?  A gift from above.  I’m not sure who introduced those to the broader public, but by my count it’s been a gift that’s been giving since about ’95.  I appreciate it.

Damn, is this chick fit or not?!  Wow, look at that waist piece.  I know, I know, the tail went into hiding like a frightened turtle.  Who knows, maybe she was going extra hard on the cardio, because this babe is clearly very intimate with the gym.  But please note the omnipresent thigh piece.  I mean, you sop them sumbitches up with some gravy, a biscuit and some slaw and you’re pretty much set for the night.  And maybe it’s just me, but the cheesier the expression/hair, the more attractive this kind of chick is to me.  I love that face she’s making, it just says “I’m ready for a classy evening of Madd Dogg 20/20 preceded by some Applebees.”  Right?

Damn, it’s official.  I just start from those terrible sandals and work my way up.

You know, I always feel bad for the other thick in these pics.  Like how must it feel to know that a bunch of cats are looking at your girl and NOT looking at you, except when they want to make a side crack about how much you’re NOT like little Ms. Thickness rubbed up against you.  I guess it’s just collateral damage, but still I thought I should just mention.  Ah, one more:

Very nice.  This babe just gives you what you want and need in the modern era of thick white chicks.  I like her a lot and in honor of her and the great state of West Virginia, I’ll fire up “Country Roads, Take Me Home” in honor of them legs and that ass.

– Lake

Olympic Babes: Quest for Olympic Thickness Part 1

Yeah, I know, I know, the 4 x 100 MEN’S swimming race was the best win thus far in the Olympics, no this year, no wait, EVER IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS.

Yeah… that was pretty good, I mean dude did walk that cat down in the final leg.  But at UvT, we care about something more important than that: The Hotter Babes of the XXIX Olympiad.  So I’m going to go on a quest that’s two fold.

1.  I’m looking for some Olympic thickness

Dasrite, I’m looking far and wide, close and near, high and low.  I just gotta have it.   But along the way, I’m willing to find a couple morsels I can keep.  Which leads me to my next endeavor..

2.  Hot babes found while searching for Olympic thickness or HBFWSOTs.

Somehow that acronym doesn’t seem to be working.  Oh but this is:

Oh indeed.  I’m at my best when I cater to my most base instincts, so this Bia & Branca Feres are more important to me than Michael Phelps shit is gonna get good!

Awww and they kept it All Brazilian wholesome too.  We all know how Brazilian chicks like to keep it clean.

Bang….  I know, I know, “they don’t have enough arse”…..or do they?

I know, I know Bia err Branca is propped up at the right angle, maybe with a lil help from her friend uncle photoshop.  Sure and that R. Kelly piss was just digital.

Well, sheeeeeit, that’s a lie a nilla can live with, ya dig?

I can’t tell you for sure if we’ve found our Olympic thickness, but we definitely found some Olympic badness.  These chicks are extremely bad.  And even if they’re not “thick” by definition, they’re Brazilian, so they appreciate and embrace the thick lifestyle.  Oh, and I forgot to say, they do synchronized swimming.  As if that matters, right?  LOL.  Right, clearly nobody is checking for their wonderful routine.  I know, that synchnon swimming is veeeery athletic.  A sport completely befitting an Olympic crown.

Ahhh, yes synchronicity.  It’s a beautiful thing.

Hey, I’m trying to stop posting pics, but it’s reaaally hard with these two.  I like it.

– Lake

I Guess Cindy Crawford Still Has It

Sheiit, I thought Cindy was all washed up but at the ripe and should be cougar-licious age of 42 she’s still got it.

And yes, we’ve got those NSFW joints right here too.  But damn, I guess it’s true what they say, beauty is timeless.  I wonder if Nereida Gallardo will be hot when she’s this old.

Well, I can’t tell you if she’s going to be hot then, but I can tell you this, she’s unbelievable now.

Jeez, even her second in command is tight.  Like, her appearance literally not right.  And while I wonder if those J’s are real, the rest of her is unreal enough to offset the whole damn discussion of any point deductions.  Check her frolicking in the European sun right here in these wild NSFW joints.  And Cristiano Ronaldo showed her the exit.  Crazy.

– Lake

Say what you want, but Kardashian pics never get old

Bumping around the web today and I’m just doing my thing. Yep, there’s Amy Crackhouse’s pops saying she went to the hospital b/c of a ruffie in her drank. Ok, there’s the one Kardashian sister I don’t care about (the one that looks like Chyna). Yep, Nick Hogan is still an asshole and then it hit me. What do you ask? THIS!

“Get sillaaaaaay.” Dude, you’d think after a while that you’d stop being shocked by that Kardashian tail. But I’m here to tell you, it gets me every time. And by the way, those horizontal stripes don’t do much to tone down the thunderous rage she’s got going on trunk side.

Damn. And while we’re talking about it, why do women have to grab up on the J’s when they’re looking in the mirror at the store? Realistically, what are you figuring out when you grip on up? Is it like a dude when he’s got to reposition his junk? I don’t get it, but in the case of Kimmy K, it can only be a good thing.

Hey, cats can hate, but this is a really bad chick. I actually like that dress. Look at me getting sucked in.

And yes, that dress does make your ass look big. This chick being featured daily can’t be good for many relationships out here. Kim is really fucking up the game. I can’t even lie.

– Lake

Thick White Woman Alert: USC Soccer Star Megan Ohai

All I know is that somebody needs to check the post count ‘for he be talking about Lake falling down on the job. Hey, Lake don’t blog unless it’s for a worthy cause. I aint been inspired, so like Oran Juice Jones, “Instead I chilled“. Ya dig? But bumping around the net today, I saw something that did catch my eye. Dats right, another thick white woman gone public. Meet Megan Ohai, an All-American soccer star from Utah (they got thickness in Utah?) who now makes her home at USC:

Pedestrian you say? “Yeah, so what” you quip? Sure, but have you familiarized yourself with angle 2?

And in case you’re wondering, I’m not talking about the emaciated zebra on the left. Nah, we’re hunting big game at usversusthem. And what I love about this chick is that she reminds me so much of babes I grew up with. You know the ones. Back in the day they were dissed for being “boxy” or “bulky”. Basically they were dissed for being that softball girl we all knew.

That’s right, I don’t buy that the new white girl ass is really all that new. Nah, it’s just out, exposed and celebrated now for all to see. Remember our Cheerleader friend from Indiana University (NSFW and ALL)?

One version of the previously underground thick white chick was this same highly coordinated and athletic type who had to do everything she could to keep that fat and unappreciated ass out of harms way lest she be tormented and persecuted for her beneath(s). Consequently, dat ass had to go stealth with a series of button ups, long tees and sweaters. It was hidden, along with the advanced thigh, so that the closest you ever got to seeing the goods was this:

Uh huh. See the KFC thigh? See the arched up back piece and the nebulous wonder twins activating up under the hook? See, if you can’t see it, it’s because you just don’t have an eye for it. I know, I was once like you. I couldn’t appreciate it. I had to have it spelled out for me. But now I see a pic like the one above, engage my Lake-Ray vision and see all the possibilities, namely:

Hello! Hot dammit and yes you do have to take away a quarter point for the excessive lean, but hey, it’s all good. And you know what really hilarious about this pic? Look at ole zebra trying to pull her ass out like she’s sittin on them thangs, poor thing. I think Weezy said it best in A Milli:

You’re like a (chick) with no ass, you aint got shit!

And that bemused look on her face, that’s what happens when you realize that a revolution has started up, but you’re not on board. It’s the same face Ole Mayne McCain had when President Obama was rocking the house in Berlin (incidentally, if cats in Germany have Obama-mania, given their wild history, don’t you pretty much think it’s a wrap for John Boy?).

It’s the look of defeat. She knows she can’t compete. Oh and I know what the true connoisseurs of the lady are thinking, “Ok, she’s got the arse, but what about the rest of her, I mean, I can live with a semi butterface, after all we all have at one point or another, but what about the front Lake, wuz up with THAT?”… I got you homies. But I must say, my findings are mixed. Here we have skrong athletic belly.

Which is very cool, by the way, ole Petra Cotton tail over there looks kinda cute, but that outfit looks like a Spencer’s gifts special, ok? Just terrible dude. But then once you go to that angle 1.5, it starts to get a lil dicey for young Meg.

I know, I know, I just don’t know women’s bodies and every woman has that little pooch. Maybe, but how can I discern the pooch from the suck in?

I own know. I suspect we just caught her in the off season, because this shot right ‘chere is juuust about right if you account for thick white woman arse credentials and a KFC bloodline on them legs:

And I do repeat, if you’re not working but with one thang below the waist, you’re just not living your life right guys. Trust me, you gotta learn to work a chick like this. Now see, I bet some dude named ‘Kirk’ is bullshittin on this babe right now. Cat aint touched a thigh, has yet to tenderize that rump…I mean, just has no clue.

How do I know that, because I was once that way. Us white dudes, we keep it old school until someone shows us the light. It’s pretty basic. You start at the J, then you let her focus on you, then you just go straight in for the smash.

It’s a damn shame too. Now that I’m an old school player, I’d be firing up the Kingsford on some slow roast with this babe. You can’t let that fire burn too hot, gotta let it marinate my nillaz. Don’t worry, stick with me, I’ll learn ya.

– Lake

Cristiano Ronaldo is the Dumbest Sumbitch on the Planet!!!!

Not to rain on our 1,000th post (word up to my boy Brock and all our readers), but post 1,001 refused to wait to present itself.  Shouts to my girl DC Jabberz for putting me on to this.  Anyway, this fool Cristiano Ronaldo of Manchester United fame just dumped his uber chick girlfriend Nereida Gallardo.  WTF, we just posted on her international thickness and how bad the babe is, and now he’s handing her a pink slip?  And while I generally steer clear of the too much gay shat for me site Perezhilton, I gotta give it up to them for this apropos pic on the situation:

Lol..  Pretty funny and yes, with Perez, you always get the gratuitious extra gay angle on every dude in the news.  Anyway, I think ole Cris forgot who he was dealing with.  I mean, this chick is up for baddest babe on the planet right now.  Need I remind you?

My word… and more.

Jesus, talk about 31 flavors, but can she reverse it?  Yall know the answer..

Help me father…  Dude, either this cat is getting some premium yet to be discovered uber ass that I can’t even envision or this is one dumb mufucka.  I don’t care what the chick did.  I mean, short of her banging out Mini Me AND coming down with some incurable disease, you NEVER…EVER let this kind of asset go.  Not for 5 years at least.  I mean, dude.. this chick is AMAZING and damn near flawless.

Like, what else is there to happiness?

He’s got all the money he can spend.  I mean, what does this cat what from the broad? And don’t forget, we have NSFW evidence that she’s certified bad to the bone!

Is her service in from the wing not up to snuff?  Is her first touch a bit sloppy?  Does she fail to make timely runs from the back?  I mean, what could it be that this dude needs from a babe that she can’t supply?

On second thought… Forget that I asked.  How do you say idiot in Portuguese?

– Lake