Archive for the ‘Dark Side’ Category

Inside the Polygamist Cult: Someone Call A Stylist!

April 23, 2008

The news about the polygamist sect in Texas that had all of their children seized last week is national news for a lot of reasons. They all live in one big compound. The men take several wives. A sixteen year old called to say that she was pregnant and had beed forced to marry. It is really a wild situation all around.

Here’s my problem. Why do all the women look like this?

Let’s start with the obvious things. The prime polygamist apparently sent down a decree that told everyone to grow their hair out long and swoop it to the right in what I like to call the Vanilla Ice style. One of the women was asked by Meredith Viera why everyone wears their hair like that on the today show and her response was “we all like to grow it long and we like this style”, which is code for, “bitch, don’t ask me no question like that. Don’t you know I’ll catch an ass whooping when I get back to the compound behind that question?” Second, who got the deal on the big shouldered 80’s style blue cotton? What’s the point of having lots of women if you are going to dress them all like that? Who made the unibrow rule? And the sect HQ is clearly a no makeup zone. Hey, I’m not even a make up dude, but all of these women look like they’ve gotten hit with whatever the opposite of Botox is.

Here’s my thing. I contend that there are always women who you can tell just need a little help and they would be bad. You know, they’ve got some ass under those terrible clothes. If they got their hair done or lost 10 pounds, they would be bad. You know, those babes in college that could leave for a summer, marinate, and come back bad as hell with tail and j’s popping out of nowhere. I’ve seen countless pics of these women, and haven’t seen a single woman that I could tell every guy looked at and said, “I want her to be my fourth wife. This chick on the left might be working with something…but I only say that because her grill is completely covered by her hands.

I guess the outfits are inspired by the 50’s. Here’s my thing. I can look at a picture of a woman from the 50’s and know that if you threw her in some Seven Jeans and a sexy top and she can get it.

See, turrible shoes and hair that looks like she might have actually been wearing that ridiculous hat right before that picture was taken. But she’s got the face, J’s and thighs. Throw her in some modern gear and that ain’t nothing but Lindsay Lohan.

Meanwhile all the men in the sect dress like this:

Dockers and a button up? Now see, that ain’t right. They could at least keep it real and dress like the amish. You can’t make your women look like frankenstein shouldered stepford wives and you get to roll like everyday is casual Friday. If your women are going to look fucked up, you should look fucked up too.

Look, if I ran a polygamist cult, I’d have to get down like Hef. Here’s my dress code.

That’s how polygamy should be done right there. What’s the point of having multiple wives if they are all built like 15 year old boys, look 10 years older than they really are, and are all ugly as hell. That’s like going to an all you can eat buffet where all they serve is uncooked, unseasoned tofu. NO one is signing up for that deal.


She finally took dat azz to rehab..yes, yes, yes

January 24, 2008

After being recorded lighting up the glass dizzick and tooting the boogar sugar Amy Winehouse has finally checked her skinny ass into rehab.


Hopefully they’ll have burgers up in there. Forget methodone, get that chick a Royal with Cheese.

– Lake

Homo Erectus Part 3: B2K, Marques Houston, Omarion, et. al.

December 24, 2007

Man, have I or have I not been talking about the fact that R&B is just an inherently shady enterprise?


I mean, the bottom line is that you’ve got cats who are interpretational, artistic and sensitive crooning with cornrows, wife beaters and an ice grill on their face. I mean, if these cats weren’t doing R&B, they’d probably be doing ballet, interior design or something. Well, here’s the proof. This cat Raz B from B2K is officially putting all these cats and “how they get down” on blast.


Look, there have been rumors that ALL these cats were gay for years. That includes all the fools from Immature (which includes Marques Houston, all these managers (Chris Stokes and company) and all these B2K (Raz B, Omarion, Ricky Romance etc.) cats.


Can someone explain this picture to me? Yes, that’s Marques Houston, that one eyed fool and that other random cat from Immature shirtless, in bed together with the collective Zoolander expression…Crazy. And what’s even wilder is this video about the whole culture of Chris Stokes sponsored gay wildness.

Ummm, anyway, in this video, Raz B alleges that his cousin and manager Chris Stokes, Marques Houston, and all the rest of those infinitely suspect cats were involved in some “let me touch it” (4:10 mark). Note that he said, “It all started with Chris Stokes.” Then there’s something about “the guys,” which I can only assume are the members of the group, being asked to “take showers together.” YIKES!

Ahem. This cat’s name is “Ricky Romance” and he’s wondering how he got caught up in some gay shit? Lordy… I also find it interesting how this dude is saying “I’m not bitter and I’m not trying to get even” but meanwhile, homey has all of this on speaker phone, up on youtube!!! Damn.


(That’s Stokes on the left)

And why is it that whenever somebody gets on some ole gay shit, the next thing that comes out of his mouth is some Bible verse and a reference to their newborn child? Arrrrggggh. Look, I’m in no way trying to minimize or belittle the trauma that must be associated with sexual assault, but don’t talk about “seeing God” and then backing that up with “I’ve been speaking in tongues since I was 11 years old” around a discussion of sex acts with your manager/cousin!


You know what, this is all a bit too wild for me. Makes you wonder what Omarion was really thinking about in this shot.


Terrible. No more posts on this topic. Ugly.

– Lake

When Keeping it Real Goes Right

December 22, 2007

It’s holiday time here at Us Versus Them, and Brock thought it was time to give the interns some love.  Lake likes to employ white frat boys and white chicks of questionable morality and a penchant for selecting outfits that leave little to the imagination.  Well, when I spend my money, I do it my way.  So when I went to my favorite store to get some giftcards this is what I ended up with.kwanzaa.jpg

That’s right.  Everyone is getting Best Buy Kwanzaa gift cards.  Fitzy, Kens, Mags, Angel, Amie, all of em.  Black history is American history people.

Seriously though, I couldn’t pass these up.  Of course there was a big stack of these.  I have a feeling Best Buy is going to have a high inventory of Kwanzaa cards going into 2008.  Do you see the interpretational kufi’s those people are rocking on the card?

Enjoy bitches, buy a CD on Brock.  That’s right a CD.  Interns gotta earn their stripes.  And no Angel, not the way Lake told you.  I’ll see you at the Christmas party though.


The War on Terror-ible: Rule No. 1 Violation

November 27, 2007

Look, if there is one group of cats I don’t fuck with, it’s terrorists/insurgents (yes, I acknowledge they aren’t the same, but just let me be simplistic here) . I mean, let’s face it, pound for pound, those cats are the hardest, wildest and scariest dudes on the planet. Politics aside, I don’t want any trouble with those cats and generally, I just assume that they’re macho cats with an appetite for a little celestially mandated blood letting. So I say this with the utmost um respect, I guess (better put, I don’t want no trouble), but what in the hell is going on with this cat?!


On Monday, the Department of Defense released a story and pictures about a disguised group of insurgents. Soldiers manning a checkpoint near Baghdad stopped a wedding convoy to find that the purported bride and groom were wanted terror suspects, an Iraqi Defense Ministry official said Monday. As soldiers searched the wedding cars, they found the veiled bride was actually a stubbly-faced man.


(The flowers were a nice touch though)

Damn. I thought these radical Jihadists didn’t go for that funny shit. I mean, they don’t have a don’t ask don’t tell over there. It’s a don’t ask or I’ll kill. Don’t tell or you’re dead.


(Even their nerds get gangsta with it)

Still, you just know they got some gay radical cats over there. What can you do? Let’s face it, there are gays in every walk of life.  So you gotta wonder which dude volunteers to rock the dress in a super conservative culture. Hmmm. Maybe Rudy Giuliani can answer that one.


At any rate, this is pretty terrible and a clear violation of Rule No. 1.


Damn son, get up off the ground and stop looking at me like that. Terrible.

Upon hearing the news of the man dressed as a woman, Senator Larry Craig, Republican from Idaho, immediately boarded a plane to Iraq to “investigate” the situation.


Word on the street is that he wants to “liberate” this young “bride” with a one-on-one interrogation, preferably next to a urinal.

– Lake

President Bush Goes to the Dark Side

October 25, 2007

When the Star Wars Prequels came out, we all knew where it was going to end up.  Aniken was going to become Darth Vader, he was going to have twins, Luke and Leia, with Amidala who was going to die in child birth, the Jedi were going to be exterminated, Yoda was going into hiding, and Obi Wan was going to get old (and after J.K. Rowling revealing that Dumbledore from Harry Potter likes wands more than cauldrons, Obi Wan is on the watch list for being a foot tapper).

The thing that always made me laugh about the movies was that they tried to pretend that we didn’t know that Palpatine was Darth Sideous.  Sure his face gets really old, but that is the worst disguise since Superman donned the glasses as Clark Kent.  I say all of that to say, I know a Sith Lord when I see one.


Pale skin, dark robes.  You always see it coming.  So then I saw this today:


Now you tell me.  It looks like a conversion to the dark side to me.  So I did a little research, to see what else I could find.


Okay, is anyone else concerned?  Her eyes are probably yellow under those sunglasses.  Condi Rice better watch her back before Dubya tells Laura to “strike her down” like Aniken did Samuel L. Jackson.


With a year left before the election and all of this World War III talk that has been floating out there lately, I wouldn’t put it past George Bush to start the war, name himself dictator of all US Americans, amend the constitution to stay in office, rename the United States the North American Empire, build a Death Star, try to kill all the Ewoks, and move the White House to outer space.

I’m just saying.