Archive for the ‘Soccer’ Category

Thick White Woman Alert: USC Soccer Star Megan Ohai

July 29, 2008

All I know is that somebody needs to check the post count ‘for he be talking about Lake falling down on the job. Hey, Lake don’t blog unless it’s for a worthy cause. I aint been inspired, so like Oran Juice Jones, “Instead I chilled“. Ya dig? But bumping around the net today, I saw something that did catch my eye. Dats right, another thick white woman gone public. Meet Megan Ohai, an All-American soccer star from Utah (they got thickness in Utah?) who now makes her home at USC:

Pedestrian you say? “Yeah, so what” you quip? Sure, but have you familiarized yourself with angle 2?

And in case you’re wondering, I’m not talking about the emaciated zebra on the left. Nah, we’re hunting big game at usversusthem. And what I love about this chick is that she reminds me so much of babes I grew up with. You know the ones. Back in the day they were dissed for being “boxy” or “bulky”. Basically they were dissed for being that softball girl we all knew.

That’s right, I don’t buy that the new white girl ass is really all that new. Nah, it’s just out, exposed and celebrated now for all to see. Remember our Cheerleader friend from Indiana University (NSFW and ALL)?

One version of the previously underground thick white chick was this same highly coordinated and athletic type who had to do everything she could to keep that fat and unappreciated ass out of harms way lest she be tormented and persecuted for her beneath(s). Consequently, dat ass had to go stealth with a series of button ups, long tees and sweaters. It was hidden, along with the advanced thigh, so that the closest you ever got to seeing the goods was this:

Uh huh. See the KFC thigh? See the arched up back piece and the nebulous wonder twins activating up under the hook? See, if you can’t see it, it’s because you just don’t have an eye for it. I know, I was once like you. I couldn’t appreciate it. I had to have it spelled out for me. But now I see a pic like the one above, engage my Lake-Ray vision and see all the possibilities, namely:

Hello! Hot dammit and yes you do have to take away a quarter point for the excessive lean, but hey, it’s all good. And you know what really hilarious about this pic? Look at ole zebra trying to pull her ass out like she’s sittin on them thangs, poor thing. I think Weezy said it best in A Milli:

You’re like a (chick) with no ass, you aint got shit!

And that bemused look on her face, that’s what happens when you realize that a revolution has started up, but you’re not on board. It’s the same face Ole Mayne McCain had when President Obama was rocking the house in Berlin (incidentally, if cats in Germany have Obama-mania, given their wild history, don’t you pretty much think it’s a wrap for John Boy?).

It’s the look of defeat. She knows she can’t compete. Oh and I know what the true connoisseurs of the lady are thinking, “Ok, she’s got the arse, but what about the rest of her, I mean, I can live with a semi butterface, after all we all have at one point or another, but what about the front Lake, wuz up with THAT?”… I got you homies. But I must say, my findings are mixed. Here we have skrong athletic belly.

Which is very cool, by the way, ole Petra Cotton tail over there looks kinda cute, but that outfit looks like a Spencer’s gifts special, ok? Just terrible dude. But then once you go to that angle 1.5, it starts to get a lil dicey for young Meg.

I know, I know, I just don’t know women’s bodies and every woman has that little pooch. Maybe, but how can I discern the pooch from the suck in?

I own know. I suspect we just caught her in the off season, because this shot right ‘chere is juuust about right if you account for thick white woman arse credentials and a KFC bloodline on them legs:

And I do repeat, if you’re not working but with one thang below the waist, you’re just not living your life right guys. Trust me, you gotta learn to work a chick like this. Now see, I bet some dude named ‘Kirk’ is bullshittin on this babe right now. Cat aint touched a thigh, has yet to tenderize that rump…I mean, just has no clue.

How do I know that, because I was once that way. Us white dudes, we keep it old school until someone shows us the light. It’s pretty basic. You start at the J, then you let her focus on you, then you just go straight in for the smash.

It’s a damn shame too. Now that I’m an old school player, I’d be firing up the Kingsford on some slow roast with this babe. You can’t let that fire burn too hot, gotta let it marinate my nillaz. Don’t worry, stick with me, I’ll learn ya.

– Lake

Catfight: Finally a reason to pay attention to Women’s World Cup Soccer

September 28, 2007

The United States Women’s National Soccer Team (WNT) is one of the most successful teams (women’s or men’s) in history.

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(Remember this? That wasn’t contrived or anything)

They’ve dominated women’s soccer for years with all kinds of Olympic, World Cup and other international tournament wins. Of course, none of that matters and it never really did. I mean, let’s face it, I can go to any High School in the nation, grab their Boys Varsity Soccer team and they’d MURDER any team in the Women’s World Cup (No, it’s IS true).

At any rate, none of that proud history seemed to matter after Coach Greg Ryan decided to bench regular goalkeeper, Hope Solo, in favor of veteran goalkeeper Briana Scurry, heading into the semifinal match against Brazil in the Women’s World Cup in China. The WNT subsequently lost to Brazil 0-4 and Greg Ryan received considerable criticism for the sudden lineup change, most notably from benched goalie, Hope Solo. Peep her act after the game:

“U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A!!!! Wow! Have you ever heard ANYONE in ANY sport go after one of their own like that?!?!

“It was the wrong decision, and I think anybody that knows anything about the game knows that. There’s no doubt in my mind I would have made those saves.”

Is this chick serious? First of all, the first goal was an own goal, her own player headed into their net, there was literally nothing Scurry could have done to stop that.

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(With that said, it’s hard to defend a chick who rocks a curl (and no it doesn’t matter that it’s a dry curl now). Hey, Bri, channel Fif Dog and understand the credo – if you can’t extend it then you might as well suspend it, if you can’t braid it, best thing to do is fade it.)

Second, every single goal was scored inside the 18 yard box. That’s not the goalie’s fault, that’s a porous defense that can’t stop the beautiful, silky smooth, more passionate and more intelligent Braziliant offensive flurry lead by Marta, my new favorite Brazilian woman.

(That goal was CRAZY, I love me some Marta!)

But even if what Hope said were true, which at best was a biased and completely speculative judgment call, what does it matter? The game is over and you just don’t do that. Ohhh, I get it. It’s Hope Solo’s turn to hook up an inappropriate and very public CATFIGHT! YES!

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Hilarious!!! Dude, even if all this stuff were true, nobody in team sports, especially on the international level, is supposed to blow up their coach and teammate like that!!! Damn lil mama, you must be hard core.

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Come to think of it, after I saw what the coaches reaction was to Hope’s comments, I can see why she punked him and everyone around that team. Dude is a complete p*ssy!

“Obviously there’s always opportunities for reconciliation,” Ryan said Friday. “This has only just happened. We’ll work to try to get past this hurdle.”

Try to get past this hurdle? What? Can you imagine a coach in any other walk of professional sports life saying something like this? No wonder she’s kicking him in the nuts in the press, he doesn’t even own a pair. Man up, dude. This is what Ryan should have said:

Privately: “Fuck a Hope So low and the horse she road in here on. She’ll never play another fucking game as long as I’m affiliated with this team, she’s finished!”

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Publicly: “I’m the head coach, I make the decisions, not the players. Scurry has won games for us, she’s our vet. If Hope Solo doesn’t like it, she can catch the next thing smoking back to the States, oh yeah, and she’s SUSPENDED for the duration of the tournament!”

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(Run her down, make sure she never Fs with you again!)

I know, I know, he doesn’t want to lose his job and Hope Solo is a future in the net. Is she? In four games she gave up two goals, that aint dominant. And even if she is, so what. If he has no respect from the team and allows the players to push him around, he’s going to lose his job anyway!

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This cat is trying to patch things up? This coach is a complete beeeyatch!!! Perfect reason to Fire this dude. How can you be a leader of men eeer women when you can’t even handle a whinny little brat like Solo? No wonder she played you like that, you’re more of a woman than any chick on that field (though by the looks of some of those “chicks,” that’s not saying much). HA, And what about the balls on Hope?!

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(LOL.. throw up them thangs up girl! Incidentally, I can’t decide if Hope is attractive or not. I mean, when I look at her, I’m both excited and a bit scared. On the one hand, she’s got those cool eyes… Makes her look like a cat woman or something, which you just got to love. Still, something about her screams drag queen, sturdy chin special.) I can’t decide. See, that’s why women’s soccer needs to go for the sex appeal. The Brazilians know how to present some female athletes and so they win. Check it.

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Sheeyut, it’s no wonder we can’t compete!!!

The closest thing we have to that was that silly sports bra nonsense or I guess this chick:

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(WNT defender Heather Mitts, ok, I can’t hate on ya)

And then I guess there are a few more. There’s that tatted up chick too, Natasha Kai from those ESPN commercials.

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She’s decent in a grimy kind of way. But let’s face it, when can’t win a chick karma battle with the Brazilians. Too many flavors. Too many bad chicks. Too much care for how they look, they’re even more looks conscious that we are as a culture. It’s the perfect storm.

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And it shows.

At any rate, we’ll see how Ryan handles the team’s next game in the consolation round. If he plays Solo, he might as well just unpack all his shit and stay over there in China.. He won’t have to worry about a thing, because he sure as hell won’t have a job when he gets back to the states.. Sheyut, they need Coach Lake Arlington over there in China, then you’d see some results….Whippin h*oes into shape, trying to bang out a US defender pictured above, hollerin at the Braziliant opponents for my own Carnival con capirihnas back in the hotel room and gettin my authentic Kung Pao-General Tso combo po po platter with “rye” on…. Sounds like a perfect recipe for VICTORY. Yall got my number.

– 中國湖泊

One more Brazee pic for good measure:

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I likeded that shit!