Enough With These Chicks Trying to Be Milfs

Short and sweet on this one (or not), but I’m tired of these chicks out here trying to act like they’re something other than what they are. Take Bridget Moynahan for instance.

Baby girl gets knocked up with Tom Brady’s baby, which is good enough for a middle tier, would be no name babe like herself, but now she’s out here trying to self style herself as a “MILF”?

Say what? Dude, posing in some sexy shit in front of your kids crib aint sexy, it’s sad. Forget calling Brock to tell him how hot this broad looks, I’m about to call Child Services to go pick Tom Jr. up so he can have a safe and wholesome upbringing over at Uncle Lake’s house.

And you just know Tom can’t like this one bit. I mean, he’s got to see his baby’s mama parading around trying to show off that she’s still hot after having his seed? Why not just strap on a “fuck Tom” billboard and tell everyone what you really think of the guy?

If she wants to be sexy and hot, why can’t she do it WITHOUT bringing attention to the fact that she’s a single mother? Why make reference to the kid at all? I mean, there’s no need to be ashamed, but you don’t have to publicize your dysfunctional sex/relationship habits either.

And look at the way she’s pushing that stroller, like it’s something that she NEVER does. I guess that’s what a grip of Child Support can do for a “struggling single mother.”

Using your single-mom-dom as a spring board to rekindle that dwindling career? That’s pretty weak. And let’s face it, Tommy upgraded you with this pregnancy.

At 37, it was the 4th quarter with the shot clock read 15 seconds anyway. I’m not saying the kid wasn’t going to happen, but worse things than having Tommy B’s kid could have happened to you.

I mean, what’s with it with all these mothers who don’t know how to act?

Have some decency. Cover up the enhanced tittays. Read a book, if not for your kid’s sake, your own. I mean, act like a damn mother!

And stop rolling your seed around like he’s a brand new Prada bag. I don’t want to hear these chicks talking about how they’re a “Milf”. You can’t proclaim yourself a Milf, it doesn’t work that way. A major part of the Milf draw is that she doesn’t actually realize that she’s still hot. It’s the fact that she’s moved on to motherly duties, but is still actually hittable that makes her a major draw. Some ole cougar trolling for dudes because her man skipped town aint no Milf.

And Milf-dom is assessed by the potential “fukker” not the “fukkee”. You can’t appoint yourself a Milf, it’s got to be reached by consensus. And if you’ve got to ask if you’re a Milf, believe me, you’re not. Most mothers aren’t Milfs, if they were, we wouldn’t have to single out the ones cats actually want to touch with their ten foot pole.

(Now Mel B. She’s all Milf and then some. She’s MILF’d the fuck out!)

So unless you’re unique, you’re probably just another babe buying diapers at Target. Meaning you’re more likely a “mother F’er I wish would get out my way” rather than a “mother I’d like to F”. Ya feel me?

In closing, until you receive future notice, you aint a Milf to me. You’re just an old cougar who happened to trick at cat into putting one on goal. Now it’s time to own it and raise that kid lest she end up looking and acting like this.

Now get back to work?

– Lake

Look At That Girl With The Daisy Dukes On

Ahh, the Daisy Duke. Just when you think a product can’t get any better, Gisele introduces the assless Daisy Dukes and takes the game to a whole new level.

Why didn’t someone think of that before. I mean, even with reduced ass, the assless variety of Dukes is so much superior to the original. Look at recently eliminated Prancer from Flavor of Love 3 for instance.

Impressive yes, but it’s clearly inferior compared to angle two on Gizzy.

Ok, that wasn’t such a hot shot, but I thought it was important to show that Gisele is so big that she’s got an ass wiper on set. I mean, how do you get that job? Who decides that there isn’t enough Coco Butter on the upper tailpiece? But on the real, stop playing and gimme that crystal clear shot of dem Dukes though.

Anyway, I also wonder how they get those ripped up Dukes and just know they’ll be right for Gizzy in this shot. What, is there some cat out there who just fashionably rips the clothes half off supermodels?

Awwww, my bad. I know that’s fucked up, but LeBron brought that shit on himself. Doesn’t this cat have a publicist that’s supposed to let him know how much he’s playing himself with a picture like this? I know, I know, it’s all of us who see this picture in a suspect way that have the problem, not ‘Bron. Sure. But did you ever see Jordan doing some mess like this? Hell naw. You don’t even see Tom Brady getting his beauty and the beast on and he’s smashing with regularity.

Tough.

– Lake

Belichick is AP Coach of the Year

Bill Belicheat was named the 2007 Associated Press Coach of the Year today.

Congrats from UvT. We were definitely pulling for you. Let me get this straight. This is a cheater.

This is not:

I love the highly ethical, consistent and completely unbiased media members. I guess it pays to have some homies to spread the blame errr cloud the issue errr get your back.

I know, I know, Belichick is just misunderstood. I know. Keep up the good work Bill. Who knows, maybe you can get with your boy Dubyah are run for public office. Belicheat in 2008!!!

– Lake

Perfect? Pats cap off controversial regular season

I hate to say I told yall so, but of course, Lake was right again as the Pats made short work of the New York Giants. Eli put up a nice fight early, but he suddenly remembered that he was who we thought he was in that second half.

Anyway, this post has nothing to do with those fakers in blue (have fun losing in that first round playoff game fellas). What I want to focus on is this turmoil filled season for the Pats. Sure, the Pats are 16-0 and perfect on the field, but when you put it all into context, it’s more like a “Prefect” season than anything else. Can you believe all the controversy these cats had to deal with this year? Here’s my year in review rundown:

1. Pimps up hoes down, Brady style

Oh yes, ole Bridge wasn’t very happy when Tom traded in her iRobot level career and played out her real life Sex and the City Natasha scenario en route to bagging supermodel Gisele.

Boy Gisele is attractive, but I wonder how she stays so thin.

Gisele riding the white horse, is there anything better than that? Plus this chick has an estimated $150 million in the bank. Tom Brady truly is great.

2. The Revenge of Bridgette

Unfortunately, young B wasn’t going to go quietly when Tom moved on to a better version of her.

Tom got caught out there with the okie doke and got a little egg on his face. Normally this wouldn’t be an issue, but Tom had previously branded himself as a “golden boy” of sorts. Maybe it was a media creation and maybe it was just him. Either way, this didn’t help that or any image of Tom’s.

Damn, wild torpedo belly, I wonder what that kid was doing up in there.

Oh well, it’s not a big deal to me. But the dirt under Tom’s fingernails worked for his mojo this year. If you ax me, he needs to go ahead and get Gizzy preggers and then upgrade to a newer and younger chick….this all would be for the glory of the Pats of course. Tom needs his medicine.

3. Beli-Cheat and Spygate

Say what you want about the Pats, but this season should not be minimized by the Spygate scandal. Again, the Pats needed spygate to motivate them and make them nasty. Clearly it worked. Hey, there really isn’t much more to say about this part of the story, but I just like the pictures I have depicting spygate so much that I’ll just throw another up for my own amusement.

4. Everything that makes Bill Belichick the Hoody

First is that ridiculous cut-off sweatshirt hoody that he rocks. I mean dude looks like a freaking homeless person on the sideline. He’s got the wrinkled up, wrinkle free dockers, the thugged out hoody joint and that freaking crazy concrete mug. It’s just hilarious.

Then you have the fact that he got dimed out by the Man-genius for being a cheater even though the League warned him to stop taping his opponents sidelines.

That foolishness earned him that hot $500,000 fine and about $500,000,000 in embarrassment. But you can’t stop Bill. My favorite story about him from this year was how he ran hoes out of that Brooklyn brownstone.

You just gotta love it.

At any rate, this certainly is a team for the ages. Like all great teams, there is more to pay attention to than just the games themselves. Please note that Randy Moss has done nothing but make this team better this year and hasn’t brought ANY off field foolishness to the table.

Randy is the man and if he was the one running some dude’s wife like a ho or knocking up multiple actress/models, the media would be all over him. What can you do… Congrats to the Pats. I’ve enjoyed it

– Lake

Foregone conclusion: Pats will get to 16-0

This is barely worth posting on, but I’ve been gone for a minute so I figured I’d just check in. Today I’m in Boston and all you see is Pats gear everywhere. Normally that wouldn’t mean much but in a place where the Red Sox outshine EVERYTHING it’s pretty significant to see all this Pats stuff so prominently placed.

And I’m told that even more people nationwide want the Pats to lose today.

Well, guess what, it aint gonna happen. The Pats are a LOCK to win today. And why? First of all, Eli Manning just sucks and there’s really nothing more than needs to be said about that. He’s nothing like his brother and something like his father. He’s a below average NFL quarterback with an unfortunate name. The second issue is that the Giants aren’t that good. Sure they’ve got 10 wins, but they had a soft schedule and failed to show up against stiff comp. The Giants are going nowhere in the playoffs and they’ll be completely outmatched today by Darth Hoody.

With that said, you gotta give it to the Hoody Billy Beli-cheat and the dirty pretty boy Tommy Skywalker. Just as a side note, I like this new Tom Brady. Homey has a little dirt under his fingernails and I think I like it.

I mean, he’s running high profile hoes, got kids out of wedlock, he’s been running some hot smack during games…. sheyut, this aint your girlfriend’s Tom. He’s officially gone over to the Dark Side and I think he likes it.

Anyway, great season, but will any of it matter if they can’t put away Peyton and the Colts?

– Lake

Belicheat to NFL: I’m so hood…

If any of you saw last night’s game you know what this post is about. I was watching the game last night and as the Patriots were making that last drive all I can think of is how Bill Belichick needs to make his own version of one of the hottest songs out now, I’m so Hood Remix. Yall know the intro where T Pain hypes up the song with all the ways he’s hood. Funny, I always that he was more prison bitch hood if anything, but who knows. I guess he laid the song down flat and the joint is hot so I shouldn’t hate too much. Anyway, this is Bill’s intro to the very same song and as always, you must listen to the song, linked below, first in order to get the joke:

I’m so Hood (Remix) by Billy the Cheat aka Bill Belichick feat. Tom Brady, Randy Moss, some dude’s wife/Bill’s new girl and a high definition video camera

I’m soooo Hood (Listen)

I wear these wrinkled khakis up on my waist

I got this ice grille all on my face

cuz yall reporterz is planning to hate (I rock a HOOD)

And I got yo wife up at my house

Akinyele blaring out,

you know what I’m talking about (I bout dis HOOD-OD)

And and all my Pats fans won’t ya stand up (my Pats iz Hood-od)

my hood assistance pick that footage up

I don’t care what yall be talkin’ bout,

if you aint feelin Billy go home n pout it -ou-ou-out

16-0 iz bout dis-HOOD!!!!

The Pats just barely edged by the Baltimore Ravens last night as a result of a series of timeouts, penalties, suspect calls and timely plays made by Tom Brady and the New England receivers. The game was kind of crazy. You’re sitting there watching it saying to yourself, “huh, the Ravens are actually in this game” to “man, the Ravens have a chance” to “wow, the Ravens are about to really beat these cats” to “muthafucka, the Hood master himself, Billy Beli-Cheat done gotten over on the league again, I can’t wait to hear his evasive mumbling and grumbling answers in the presser.”

You know what’s hilarious? You often have to look for “bad” pictures of cats to make your point, but in the case of B-Cheat, ALL his pics look like this.

True to form, Bill was a m*therfucker after the game, being the exact asshole that we thought he was.

Shoot, even Tom Brady was a bit of a jerk at the end of the game. He didn’t take too kindly to the notion that they “got all the calls at the end,” a question one of the reporters asked him. I’ve never heard Tom ice down a reporter like that though. I mean, he really fired back at him “you tell me if we got them, I get fined if I talk about.. yeah and earlier in the game, we didn’t get the calls dickhead”. Ok, the “dickhead” was added in by me, but that’s what he meant.

I guess having a baby out of wedlock and getting busted for cheating will make a dude get a lil prickly. Hey, I still like Tom though. He’s a good cat and he’s dead nice at throwing the pill. When he ran for that first down on 4th and 6, after missing it twice before, that was ballsy. Homey has the heart of a lion, will of a champion…oh and he’s got Gisele so you can only hate so much.

Anyway, the story remains the same.

Just when you think hated front-runners are gonna finally get what’s coming to them, Belichick gets over on the league and does it in true asshole fashion. I can’t lie… I wanted B-more to win, but you just got to root for Evil on some level, too.

One thing is for sure, Bill Belichick aka The Hoody aka Beli-cheat is so damn hood. And speaking of being so damn hood, is DJ Khaled that damn hood that it’s suddenly ok for him to be running around yelling the N-word like he’s on set of the Chris Rock Show or something?

(You better be hood fool)

I mean, he didn’t just say it a little bit, he really went at it. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t see nary a trace of Sub Saharan African in that cat… I’m sure his boys are good with it, but he best watch his back. You best be that hood before some civilized suited up corporate black man sets you straight about the rules for who can and cannot say what to who.

Damn, sorry, now THAT was hood. Late.

– Lake

Belicheat fights back!!!

After a week of face slappities and Belichick ego smackities the New England Patriots coach silenced some of his critics on Sunday with a convincing win over the AFC rival San Diego Chargers. As far as we know, Bill didn’t cheat for this win, but then again, you never can tell…

(Look at Bill in his b-boy stance. Too stylish)

B-Cheat was his usual cheerful self after the game, you know, mumbling, not asnwering quesitons, and taking offense to everything that wasn’t congratulatory. Hell, with an attitude like that perhaps he should join the Bush Administration.

At least with his tactics, lying and cheating he manages to get things done with is more than I can say for Dubyah and his band of idiots. Anyway, it was a good win for the Pats and you just know they’re all celebrating right now. Belichick would do his typical, sacrifice someone’s relationship by stealing their wife, but he’s waiting for Tom Brady to make it legit with Gisele.

Ok, I admit it, I just wanted to post another picture of Gisele, but Bill would hit…though, I can’t really blame him.

– Lake

Tom Brady scores again: It’s a boy!

Congrats to Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan on the birth of their new baby.

(now watch that hand there Bridget, after all, that’s how yall got the first one!)

Bridget is said to be doing fine which is somewhat astonishing, after all, she did look like this just a few days ago.

Dude, seriously, we didn’t know what was up in there. I mean, Tom Brady is the ultimate gamer, the ultimate perfectionist and the ultimate stud. So it was only fitting that the kid would have his host errrr Mom looking like she does above, but we were still a little confused, that was, until we saw the little guy.

(stuntin like his Daddy for real)

Indeed, he’s already exceeding expectations in true Brady fashion. So much so that I think the Giants just burned a 2008 first round draft pick and cash considerations for Little Tom’s rights.

Figures, he’s at worst a lock to have as good an NFL career as terrible Eli Manning is right now, right? Let’s just hope that Bridge and Tom can keep it together with the contract/payments errrr family-focused assessment of what is in the best interest of the child and his parents in the months and years to come.

Indeed, if Bridget can get past the New England Patriots Quarterback’s decision to leave her sperminated arse back in December for supermodel Giselle (can’t hate on him too much for that) then we really shouldn’t have any messy Baby Mama Drama entries to pound out for your viewing pleasure on this here UvT.

Whatever you do Tom, don’t go the way of Chicago Bears Linebacker Brian Urlacher.

(Urlacher is a wild, wild boy!!!)

Sheeeyut, it’s hard to pick a Baby Mama Drama story with this cat. Clearly as a result of his wildness he’s now divorced, but it appears that homey wasn’t just killing them on the football field. First, homey had two children out of wedlock while he was married and/or with his wife. Then he got back with his wife/mother of his legit kids, only to continue chasing down these hoes like he was chasing down QBs and running backs last year. And all of this culminated with UGLY public Baby Mama Drama including wild threatening text messages he was sending to one of his Baby Mamas and just general wildness that we don’t need to detail here.

Needless to say, Urlacher is NOT a role model in that regard. I mean, seriously, just think about the extent to which he must have really been blazin’ these Chi-town h*oes, because he had to use condoms with most of them right? And if he got two chicks pregnant, just imagine how many Chicago and other NFL city babes he hit raw dog but DIDN’T actually sperminate. Damn, I can’t tell if Urlacher is just a rock star stud or a truly terrible cat. I gotta think on that one. All I know is that he’s in a custody battle with some stripper (come on man) for his son. Wildness.

What I’m waiting to see is if the all knowing omniscient purveyor of all that is good, decent, godly and right for the NFL will suspend Tom Brady for having a kid out of wedlock? You never know, his rulings have been horribly arbitrary and capricious to this point. Why not just take it all the way?!?!

– Lake

Cat fight: Tiki Barber v. Eli Manning and the impact of their ladies

And you wonder why the Giants have underachieved in the past years.

They’ve got no stones!!! Former New York Giants teammates Tiki Barber and Eli Manning exchanged “barbs” over the past few days over comments Tiki Barber, a current NBC football analyst, made which criticized Eli’s leadership and assertiveness. He further described Eli’s ability to run team meetings as “comical at times”. Well, well, well. Eli didn’t like that and he blasted back with this:

“It’s just one of those deals. I’m not going to lose any sleep about what Tiki has to say, I guess I could have questioned his leadership skills last year with calling out the coach and having articles about him retiring in the middle of the season [because] he lost the heart [to play].”

Huh? That’s the smack yall? Um, can someone please call up my boy Ocho Cinco in Cincy or maybe Terrell Owens in Dallas.. hell, I’d even take a Donovan McNabb, “keep my name out yo’ mouth, keep my family’s name out your mouth” blast right about now. These cats are pathetic and I think I know why. Yep, it’s weak chick karma. I mean, look at Tiki’s selection in lady:

(awww, why does the “articulate” brother often have to go this way? Dammit Tiki!!! No disrespect homey, I’m sure your wife, Ginny Cha (seriously), is a sweet lady)

And then let’s contrast that against Eli’s woman:

(Hey, nothing against her, but this is just boring man! I much prefer this blond and Eli together)

This is what I’m saying, now look at their selection in lady and then look at the results they got. Then contrast that against proven winners in the NFL. I give you Jerome Bettis an his lovely wife, Trameka (yes, really):

(One for the thumb homey.. good work)

And of course, the gold standard in NFL chick karma turning into production on the field, my main mahn (Ali G finger snap) Tom Brady and his plethora of solid bangers:

(Love ya T and yes, Bridget is looking right in this picture..nice)

Bottom line, Eli and the Giants are doomed. They need to get their chick game up and then maybe they can get those wins up. You just wait and see, this will be another sub par year for young Not Peyton Manning. I mean, even their receivers are chick stricken, peep Amani Toomer:

(awww, homey… If you’re gonna go that way, you gotta go strong like Paul Pierce.

We all know what he’s about and really can’t hate)

Awwwwww, need I say more? Out.

-Low Lake and loving it.

==============UPDATE=====================

All you semi hatin, fully hatin and just started to talk some shit as soon as your team won Giants fans out there, peep Lake’s take on your Superbowl victory. Hey, we can’t see Eli’s lady from the neck down, so that would explain how he was able to man up and get it done. Make no mistake though, the theory is fool proof. Hot chick, great performance. So either she’s sittin on dubbs with the Kim Kardashian ass with the hollywood blondie rack or Eli is banging out a stripper from Scores or both.  I can’t find all of them, but I’m assuming Plaxico’s hoes are A+, thereby outsetting Amani Toomer and Michael Stray’s missteps and I heard Tom Coflin has a direct line to Puerto Rico’s….Hoez, so you know that man was doing his part as well.

One thing is for sure, yall needed to get Tiki’s lady off your squad. She wasn’t built for victory.

Baby mama drama: Tom Brady headed that way?

Young Tom Brady, don’t think we forgot about ya. You know your day is coming. Indeed, your ex-lady, Bridget Moynahan is finally back in public juuuust in time to give you a little negative press before the season opener.  What a coincidence.

Daaayum Tom, you really put it on her. Looks like she’s got Warren Sapp up in there or something. Now I see why you got those three Superbowl rings — you clearly have a commitment to excellence in all that you do. Now that’s a baby bump! It just aint fair man. You’ve got ole Bridge sitting up there housing this monster child, meanwhile, you’re laid up in something as fine as Gisele, looking smoothed out and extra chill and loving your life.

Damn, she’s fine.

Tom, you really are a smooth mufucka, I can’t lie! Now that you’ve got the kid, marriage makes no sense though, so don’t do it. Whatever you do, don’t let Bridge (who must hate you because she already claimed you dumped her once you found out about the baby) diss you in the press like Brynn Cameron did Matt Leinart. That was ugly. Get in front of the story son. I certainly don’t want to have to continue to call you out on this blog…but I will if you can’t manage your ex and this baby situation like you manage that game clock.

Go Bills.