Archive for the ‘The Bachelor’ Category

The Bachelorette: DeAnna is just like the rest of em…

August 8, 2008

Lake was right dammit.  I don’t watch the damn Bachelor, but I know that Lake’s post started a damn outrage.  No one understood why DeAnna went for the free-spirited snowboarder.  We’ll the crack staff at Us Versus Them dug up the real deal.

Don’t be surprised if she ask where da cash at?

So the snowboarder is pushing a Masarati?  Oh yeah, he’s really down to earth.  Hey everyone who thought DeAnna didn’t go for the perfect prince of a man, you need to check your definition of prince.  I’m also sure this isn’t the first time Jesse’s car attracted some hose either.

By the way, is Deanna bad?

Look she’s clearly decent.  This right here is old school white woman thick.  I’m not talking new wave Kimmy K thick, I’m talking looks good in jeans, curves in all the right places, but not really bringing anything to the table thick.  You know the master assologist needs confirmation.  Let’s get that angle 2.

Uhhhhhh, yeah.  She could trick you in the right jeans and some dim lighting, but she’s not UvT quality.  DeAnna I’m glad you found true love.  I’m sure you loved being on tv, you love that car, you love being a People Magazine cover, and a prenuptual negotiation away from being independently wealthy.  I love it.  I bet that won’t be on the recap next season.



Damn straight I called the shit.  DeAnna was the most pushy bachelorette as a contestant I ever saw and then she just took it to a higher level when she became that Bachelorette with the big B.

She’s literally the worst.  She saw the big loot cakes and little brain and went right for Jesse.  Let’s be clear, when the second place dude’s profession went from “Real Estate Attorney” to “Account Executive,” we should have known he was done for.

DeAnna keeps her golddigging game just as tight as she keeps her crazy controlling woman game.  Now what’s not very tight is that midsection, which is fine, actually.  I must say, she sports it like it’s completely all good.  You kind of have to respect it in this day and age.  At any rate, with her “I’m saying she’s a gold digger” because “clearly she wouldn’t have picked Jesse, nilla” status, I’m just glad my boy, Best Bachelor Alive, Brad Womack really stuck it to her when he had a chance.


I’m hoping he hit in the fantasy suite too. haaa  Dude, is there ANYTHING in reality tv better than the fantasy suite?  I can’t get over it… dude hands ole girl taht little card, you know the one that say, “Will you let me HIT?”  It’s so damn good.

– Lake

The Bachelorette Season Finale: Deanna Pappas Picks…..Jesse?

July 8, 2008

Hey, I recognize that it’s pretty terrible that I actually watched the finale of “The Bachelorette,” but there is just something about tv personalities claiming to be “in love” after hitting in the fantasy suite errr spending days upon days in romantic settings with cameras everywhere that brings a smile to my face.

And after all, this season’s bachelorette, Deanna Pappas, was the recipient of my favorite Bachelor beat down of all time when my main man Brad Womack iced down all 25 wanna be actresses errr women looking for love by putting Deanna to sleep in front of everyone with that “I can’t say I lub you, I have to tell you goodbye” double beat down…

AWESOME. Brad was the ultimate pimp and I love him for it.

Anyway, now it was time for Deanna to return the favor and return the favor she did.

Not only did she continue to refer to the “men she was falling in love with” (I know, I know, there is some hyper-technical and completely superficial distinction between loving someone and “falling in love with them”…ahnt And I’m still waiting for someone to tell me the difference between and African Ant Eater and an Aardvark) after each elimination, but she even let a dude get down on his damn knee before bitch slapping him with that solid “no get up, you haf ta git up” rhetoric…LOL.

Ha… Perfect. You spend all this time talking about how you don’t want to hurt anyone like Brad hurt you and by “hurt you” it just means that he didn’t pick your punk ass.

Then you allow a cat that you know full well that you aren’t going to pick get down on one knee with a ring in his hand?

Thanks. Deanna is the worst and I look forward to the news of her break up with Jesse in a clean 6 months. Speaking of Jesse, what in the hell was Deanna thinking with that selection?

I mean, this cat looks like a broke ass stand in for Crocket in a Miami Vice scene that was meant for Tubbs.

Only it’s 2008, not ’87. I know, I know, Deanna picked Jesse because it was true love and NOT because he’s a simple cat who snowboards for a living and gets paid damn well to do it.

Right and Hugh Hefner bangs out three blonds each night for their stimulating conversation and extraordinary minds.

Now the only question left is who will the next bachelor be? That crazy dude who tried to roll back on Deanna after she eliminated him or the dude who Deanna let get down on one knee. Either one will do. I just like the format. A bunch of actors and actresses fighting for true love, getting naked each week, kissing all up on each other and banging out in the fantasy suite. Perfect.

– Lake

The Gold Diggers Strike Back – Tricia Walsh Smith

April 18, 2008

Now you can tell from those crazy ass eyes that this is going to be good…

This is the craziest, greatest, most delusional, then just plain crazy again video I’ve seen in a long, long time. Now this is waaaaay longer than any video I’d actually ask you to watch in it’s entirety. It is six minutes long but there are so many gems in here that it is hard to skip around. I had to take notes just to keep up with this crazy chick.

Oh god, where do I start?

Let’s start with Tricia and her husband Phil. I think visually we all know what is going on here. Phil went on ahead and flipped his $60 Million into a relatively young and apparently semi-famous UK actress/tenderoni.

That tells us that this transaction…errrrrrr…marriage was about loot from the start. Tricia likes to keep it comfortable.

Second, let’s talk about the production value on this thing, full on title card, the camera crew had lighting (that they couldn’t keep out of the frame) and the subtitles are great “Tricia Walsh-Smith Actress/Writer/Good Egg” just let’s you know that this is a high-lo situation from the start. High in that you have an editor…lo in that someone actually thinks that describing yourself as a “good egg” is the best way to convey that Trish here is in the right. That must be some British shit right there.

I love the way people in New York call their fully-owned, multi-million dollar, nine room homes “apartments”. The rest of America calls those “condos”, an apartment is something you rent and it is counted by the number of bedrooms you get. But I digress.

Let’s talk about the strength of the prenup.

Whoo-weeeee, talk about contracting straight to the point. Phil had a “get the fuck out right now” clause built into his prenuptual agreement. Thirty days notice. You can’t even get out of a cell phone contract that fast. No holdover, no transition, all he needs is a reason for divorce. Dinner with another man? Get the fuck out. Personal Trainer “spotting” you for your lunges? Get the fuck out. Accidentally deposit my money into the “wrong” account? Get the fuck out. Post all of my business on YouTube? Get…the…fuck…out.

Well Trish knows the clauses of the contract pretty tight. She gets a “pension” of half a milly a year for the rest of her life and the Florida “Apartment”, which from the looks of the NY “apartment” is probably a four story, beachfront mansion with panoramic views. It actually looks like the whole fight was over whether or not the Park Avenue apartment also kicks over into her pocket when the guy dies. OK, so she said she doesn’t understand Phillip’s (sounds like Flip’s when she says it) grounds for divorce? Let me tell you, If my wife, who I’ve already contractually promises 500k a year and a paid for home in Florida if I kick the bucket comes up to me and starts talking about other shit she might want when I die? I might divorce her ass too. First of all, let’s stop talking about when I die young whipper-snapper. Second of all, if you refer to Section 12, Paragraph C…that’s my shit. Mmmmmk?

By the way, if the woman you want to marry refers to the Tarot as “my cards”, run the other way. (Much respect to my N.O. peoples and the Hatians…but Phil shoulda taken one look into those crazy eyes and that pack of tarot cards and gone elsewhere. Also, why the hell do you marry a younger chick if you aren’t going to have sex with her. Get yourself a old lady that can provide companionship, not some young crazy golddigging ex-actress.

So then old girl goes for the crazy call that wasn’t all that crazy. This whole thing is starting to look staged to me. Sure, anyone can call my secretary and talk about my porn, my viagra and my condoms, but who really cares? You best believe Brock’s secretary wouldn’t be interrupting my conference call to ask me where to put my condoms and porn. The answer would just be “in my nightstand next to my videotapes of you butt naked and your vibrator.

The subtitles on the picture are absolutely priceless, the “nasty evil stepdaughter”.

Tricia then spends the last two minutes talking about the plays that she’s written and her flagging acting career. That is why this whole thing looks like B.S. to me. It plays out just like a bad writer put it together and it is being acted out by a bad actress.

If I was Phil I wouldn’t have let myself become a “drama in real life”, but hey, it looks like ol’ girl needs to find new ways to earn money so she can stop trying to kill me off.

Fellas, do you want to know a foolproof way to avoid this situation? Stay aways from chicks with crazy eyes. You see Tricia Walsh Smith up top. Here’s the crazy ass Runaway Bride.

Shoulda known.

Not that you need to be told, but stay away from Hottie from Flavor Of Love too.

Damn, her crazy eye went crazy eye. Yikes.


The best Bachelor ever: Brad Womack is ICY…

November 21, 2007

Aside from the fact that he’s got a brother named Chad (I never did understand that corny rhyming named twins thing) this cat Brad Womack, the Bachelor, has to go up there as one of the best reality stars ever.


For real dough, you just gotta etch his name in that Reality TV Stanley Cup right behind Flavor Flav, Dr. Will Kirby/Mike Boogie, William Hung, Chance, Nathaniel Golden, and Hoopz (of course)…in fact, let’s go ahead and run a picture of Hoopz..


More Hoopz is always good for this and any other site. And yes, I will hit you with that reverse angle.


(with no airbrush in sight or site. What, she’s got a g-string on)

Ahem, back to where I was. This cat Brad is an awesome dude. I mean, he reminds me of an older and less pimperish version of myself because homey has dry ice running through those veins. Listen, I’ve always loved the Bachelor. It’s just a good concept. One dude gets to romp with 25 women, then see about half of them in bikinis, only to kiss about 8 or so of them. Ok, so that’s cool and I always enjoyed those kind of odds in my younger years. But the greatest innovation by far has to be those “Fantasy Suite” dates where the Bachelor basically leverages sex for a rose. I mean, really making those chicas put their money maker and their mouths were that dude is.

Classic. What’s so great about it is that each one of them really go into that suite as if ole boy isn’t doing the exact same thing with 2 other chicks. I know, I know, he — no, they just have to connect on a “higher level” do figure out if it’s true love. I’m quite sure “true love” is something like what Andre 3000 described in his song A Life in the Day of Benjamin Undre:

15 love, fit like glove
description was like
15 doves in a jacuzzi catching the holy ghost
making one woozy in the head and comatose

So he hits all three chicks of course and then eliminates one. This year that decision was easy. The one chick was ridiculous and her family was even worse. She just had to go. Hit her and quit her was actually quite fitting for her punk ass.


But this cat, he hits the other two and then goes to that final rose ceremony, ring in hand, after they both tell him they love him and disses BOTH finalists.


I like how he set it up too. Insert country drawl which was half Dubyah Bush half Forrest Gump, “I jus- said goodbye to Jen-nee“. Then ole girl smiles (not too fast now). And then he just acts like he needs a shot of Dasani, followed by that “excuse me” where he jumps off the throne. Oh man..


“Eye jus caint tell you that I’m in luv wit you..and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to dew”. Sure it is. Yes, ole boy ices out both chicks, a Bachelor first!!! Oh man, now if ABC will only have the vision to go with The Bachelor, this is the Remix Part Deux, Brad does it again. I know I’d be watching. And how ballsy was it for him to come with that “you know, I wouldn’t change a thing and I have no regrets” with regard to how things turned out. He knew that he iced all 25 babes out, he just didn’t care. Love it. Thanks Brad.

– Lake Womack


Wow, so they have this After the Final Rose show. Boy, Brad is on the spot. Dude actually caught some boos when he came out. Ugly. Then the show’s host, Chris, reveals that he asked the show to send DeAnna’s dad out there because he was going to propose to her. So homey asks him, “why did you do that?”, answer, “Obviously I have some problems”….lol Homey, you aint got no problems. You’ve got all the right answers and all the right moves. And by the way, Jenni, the Phoenix Suns dancer is a solid thick white woman. Did I ever say that? Let’s see what the interns have for us in the way of evidence of thickness.


Hmmm, not really good enough, but I’ll take it. Again, this show should be run by UvT entertainment, then all the angles, hell, all their measurements and vital statistics would be up on screen at all times like the NFL combine or something.

Boy, this cat is just the best. He reapplied that ice to DeAnna on the wrap up show. “I’m confident in my decision from that day..” Let me translate that for you baby.. “Hit the bricks baby, I got bars to run and chicks to get at…this is what I do.”



The Bachelor episode 4 roundup, Blondie loses it

October 23, 2007

Hey, I like the Bachelor because they just keep it so basic and good with the hard bodies and solid superficiality. As a dude you just get to look at babes, who are in the best shape of their lives, run around in sexy dresses and bikinis en route to that fantasy suite, so what’s the problem? At any rate, the show has finally whittled the babes down to a workable number for some analysis. Like to here it go:


I must say, I like Brad. He runs a bunch of bars with his brothers. What’s not to love about that? Moreover, you can see that he has dealt with some hot babes in his day because unlike other Bachelors on the shows, he’s been willing to cut sexy chicks who don’t have the best personalities, where I think before cats were literally just trying to get the hottest tail into that fantasy suite so they could close that deal. So he’s a legit cat within this bullshit context we call reality tv, so I can’t really hate on the dude (a Lake A. first). Nevertheless, his quest to find true love with 12 ‘hotties’ of different personal worth is always comical. But that’s why I love this show because the casting directors just keep it so very real with the stereotypes of actresses errrr ladies they select and it works well for a low reality consumer like me. Let me run a few of the interesting babes (along with their stereotypical profile) for you:

1. Bettina (sounds like an around the way girl’s name, right?)- The seasoned veteran woman who knows what she wants


Let me go ahead and translate what I mean by “seasoned.” In a reality tv context and really any kind of dating context past the age of 23, “seasoned” might as well be a euphemism for hoe.


Under no circumstances is any man ever to marry this kind of chick, but their strength is in making fools believe that up is down, black is white and cold is hot. They are skilled at making their target think it was just the other guys who didn’t treat her right and not that she was selfish, unfit for wifedom and more likely than not, a scandalous, conniving hizzoe. In other words, she’s got crazy game where it counts.


(Look how smooth she looks with that wine, even though the other babe is flaunting that rose. You can tell Bettina is playing that long game. She’s not trying to win the battles, she’s trying to win the war, steal a man like she’s done before. She’s a shark…cold as ice, you gotta respect it)

Like some chicks have game to get a dude to buy them a nice dinner or an anklet and others have a plan to take some rich dude for half his bankroll by the end of the decade. Bettina is the latter type of chick, which is why she’s 27 (yeah right) and already divorced. Cold as ice, sexy and tricky….watch her Brad, watch her. She even said so herself on this episode, “I want to kiss (read have sex with) Brad, but I was raised (by her gold digging mother no doubt) that you should play hard to get (read, that you should lie and deceive to get what you really want).

Now that bad side to this class of chick is that she’s shady as hell, superficial and untrustworthy. The good side is that her sex game is always tight. That’s how she got where she is today; by knowing her man and being steadfastly committed to do whatever it takes to get out there and perform on Sunday (not to mention any other day of the week until she gets to the alter and stops completely). Basically their entire life is centered around this cleaned up hoe flow and boy oh boy does it work. A chick like this will be married no less than 3 times in her life and have either no kids (they never want them because it would mess up their figure, but sometimes you have to pop one kid out so that they can keep those checks in case there is a tight prenuptial, take notes ladies).


True to form, Bettina is not 27 years young (with the mind of a 55 year old), divorced, Heather Locklear-esque, with only mild symptoms of cougar’s disease… She’s clearly more calculated, intelligent and shady than the others. She’s playing this reverse game on Brad as she tries to turn her divorce into an asset with all this “you’re starting to make me feel comfortable so I can open up” nonsense, which is great on her part. Why act like you want him when everyone else already is giving it all up for free? Bettina’s no fool, seasoned vets can’t afford to be. LOL, she did slip up however, when she got pissed that the other babe got the diamond earrings. I aint saying she’s a gold digger, but, she aint fucking with a broke nilla.

I loved this last episode, because Brad asked her if she had dated since she got divorced. She went with the pregnant pause, which is great because you know during that 2 seconds she so graciously gave herself with that feigned contemplation, some form of fellatio (the true answer to his question) ran through her head, followed closely by a quick cost-benefit analysis concerning whether she should lie (yes, she did), to what extent (just enough but not too much because she will have to show the freaky side to seal the deal and let’s not forget, people at home know she’s a hoe and she’s probably still “with” the dude she was cheating on her husband with). I did like how she tried to turn that slight cost-benefit panic session into a sympathetic moment for herself though. That “it’s a tough world for a divorcee looking for love” bill of goods she was selling was hilarious, meanwhile, her ex-husband who caught her taking it doggy style from Pepe the gardener is throwing shit at the tv.

2. Hillary, the naive freak who just wants a good fuck guy

This babe right here let’s you know that Brad is used to getting premium tail. No question, in any other context Hillary is probably a visual a dime piece. She looked right in that bikini at the pool party tonight, too. Alas, she’s afflicted with what we call in pig latin, azy-cray disease. Come to think about it, you can kinda see the stalker tendencies in this picture.


She’s got the body, the look and attitude of a 23 year old with a girl’s gone wild mentality (though I must even early on it seemed like she may be trying a little too hard). She seems like she’s fun to be around and she openly talked about how she wanted Brad to rip her clothes off, hit it from the back, spank her and then turn her over to finish her off (she seriously said this on the show, LOL). That should have been a red flag actually, because while she may have wanted that from Brad, you can’t actually say that on tv. I think Monique said it best on her show Charm School, that’s slutacious. Still, society always needs good attractive hoes (I know that’s hard for some of you to understand, but it’s kind of like good vs. bad cholesterol).


(someone call up Gnarls Barkley, cuz this chick is craaaaazay! That look on her face aint right man)

Anyway, upon further research and review, after I saw the previews for her crazy exit from the show, it was revealed through my UvT Philly sources that supposedly she’s really some low grade hick town chick with a 4 year old kid and all types of ho games on her resume. Maybe that’s why Brad peaced her out and why she acted like she hadn’t ever been anywhere before. Sheeyut, she probably saw Brad as her and her kid’s way out of the hood life. The babe may look country club, but she’s trailer park with the hot meltdown drama to boot.

3. Sheena – Young girl, old face

I’m not sure if it’s too much sun tanning, too many smokes or just some hard ass living, but this babe does not look 23 years old.


Yeah, Sheena seems like a sweet chick, but you cannot be looking like you’re about to compete in the cougar all star challenge at the tender (and supple) age of 23. If you told me this chick was 32, I’d believe you. It’s too bad and she needs some product for that wig piece too.


Come on people. This is like the ALCS, you gotta come to win. All this frizz, leather face, and titties falling out like that one chick had on the first episode, it’s just not good enough. I’m a bit surprised that Brad kept this chick around.

4. DeAnna – hot exotic chick (and when I say exotic, I mean anything Latin, Greek or dark eye-talian)

While DeAnna is that exotic looking babe with the advanced body and very attractive look, she’s unfortunately a babe with major issues.


Anytime a chick just can’t get along with other women, it’s an issue. Again, major red flag that this chick is always into some shit. You want a babe to smooth you out, not get you into beef with chicks and/or dudes. All the tools, but crazy…sad but true story line for far too many of you chicks out there.

5. Jenni – Cute all American brunette who stays in the gym


This babe is a no brainer. She’s the classic Bachelor contestant, in fact, they must just go around to all the professional sports teams to recruit these chicks. Jenni is a Pheonix Suns dancer, so you know she’s on KFC thigh alert (something they showed off in the previews for next week’s show).


She’s got the reasonably cute face, cool personality, willingness to get down and dirty and rocking body. What more can you ask for in a purely superficial relationship that lasts for two weeks. She’s a front runner along with DeAnna. To me, Jenni is the safest play in the group. Everybody else has blatant issues, namely snake in the grass (Bettina), leather face credentials/future cougar hall of famer (Sheena), or too hot to handle, semi crazy with some extra attitude habanero pepper sauce on top (DeAnna).

I do like that Brad is kissing and getting into the heads of all the chicks. Definitely pimp status with that extra tender touch to keep them all satisfied with his multiple spit swapping. Can’t wait for the haters to come out at the reunion show, but Brad is as smooth as they come, sort of like his brother from another, Lake.

– Lake

Firestone bags himself a babe

October 2, 2007

Andrew Firestone, the tire/wine kingpin and former star of the reality tv show, The Bachelor, is engaged…again. You may recall that Andrew was engaged to The Bachelor/The Bachelorette good girl, Jen Schefft back on Season 3 of the show.


Well now with Beyonce’s smash hit “Upgrade” playing in his ears, ole Drew went ahead and bagged a chick with “Actress/Model” on her resume. Indeed, Andrew Firestone’s pops just announced that his son is engaged to Actress/Model Ivana Bozilovic.


Hey, what can I say? I like it. I always thought of Andrew as the classic rich asshole, and I mean that in good way. There’s just something about that guy who can be such an uncompromising and unadulterated dick all the time, well, reminds me of me. Remember, this is the dude who kissed and fondled every single worth while chick on the show. Then he had sex with all three chicks in the “Fantasy Suite,” only to ICE OUT one of the contestants that very next day at the Rose Ceremony. Of course she made reference to what they did in the bedroom and how she wouldn’t have “done those things” had she known he’d eliminate her. Hilarious!!!


(what’s up pimpin?)

So I’m with it. Andrew is that cat. And his lady, she’s a gem. The second I googled her I saw her tits breast-ta-sis (sorry, but it’s true). See the NSFW also known as, you aren’t supposed to look at these, but I know you will joints right HERE. And HERE. AND HERE. I told you here joints are all over the net.


Old school attractive white lady, which is cool enough. She’s got a good look and oh yes, she’s from Yugoslavia.. perfect. Andrew, you best have that prenuptial tight. I mean how many times have you heard of some Eastern Block hard body chick coming over to America trying to find Andrew Firestone to make it big?



There’s an entire network, Lifetime, devoted to that story. But who am I kidding, a full on dizzick like Firestone is gonna have a tight prenup no matter who it is he’s marrying.


(does this chick ever take a picture with her top on?)


Sheyut, that cat probably has “break up” contracts with his brothers and sisters even just in case they get rowdy with the family loot. Do your thing Drew, congrats!

– Lake