Duke Lax Choked in the NCAAs….

Good, now you suckers can concentrate on school errrr your completely credible lawsuits against the same school you have the audacity to play Lacrosse for.  No love.  I laughed when “we” lost.  Go ‘Cuse!!!!  Jerks.

– Lake

Ridiculous: Gold Digging Lax players sue Duke

When asked what they would say to Nifong if he were in the room, Rae Evans, the mother of indicted player David Evans, says, “I would say with a smile on my face, ‘Mr. Nifong, you’ve picked on the wrong families … and you will pay every day for the rest of your life.‘”

Doesn’t that just say it all? And you know that she meant it. It’s the sentiment that unifies every single Lax parent and player who just won’t let this thing die because now they feel like they’ve got to send a message. And what is that message? Let me paraphrase:

“Don’t fuck with the kind of white folks who send their kids to Duke. The shit you pulled with this case, which we understand that you pull everyday, with all kinds of “other people” for various different reasons, that shit doesn’t fly here. We’re different. We’re special. We’ve got money, power and connections and we’ll teach you not to fuck with people like us ever again..”

That’s what Rae Evans meant when she said that and believe you me, she meant it! That’s why her son is walking around with $6 million of Duke’s money in his pocket and probably more to come. Now the rest of the team is following her lead, when they should just leave good enough alone..

Attorney, Chuck Cooper, filed a law suit last week on behalf of 38 money grubbing Duke Lacrosse players and their parental units, some of whom are pictured here:

Right, add these names to the list of the most ridiculous people in all of Sports:

Edward “Bo” Carrington, Casey Carrol, Mike Catalino, Gale Catalino, Tom Clute, Kevin Coleman, Josh Coveleski, Ned Crotty, Ed Douglas, Kyle Dowd, Patricia Dowd, Daniel Flannery, Gibbs Fogarty, Zack Greer, Irene Greer, Erika Henkelman, Steven Henkelman, John “Jay” Jennison, Ben Koesterer, Fred Krom, Pete Lamade, Adam Langley, Chris Loftus, Daniel Loftus, Barbara Loftus, Tony McDevitt, Glenn Nick, Nick O’Hara, Lynnda O’Hara, Dan Oppedisano, Sam Payton, Brad Ross, Kenneth Sauer, Steve Schoeffel, Rob Schroeder, Devon Sherwood, Dan Theodoridis, Bret Thompson, Chris Tkac, Tracy Tkac, John Walsh, Michael Ward, Robert Wellington, William Wolcott, Michael Young.

I find it completely hilarious that these guys are suing Duke and the City of Durham after all the hell they caused both institutions. As if they didn’t play an integral role in this whole debacle. Suing Duke for what? Oh, I get it, they all wanted to be expressly indicted like Dave, Colin and Reade, huh? Then maybe they could have scored a huge payday and gotten plum jobs on Wall Street too.

Heck, maybe they could have even robbed Duke for a cool $6 million each like Colin, Reade and Dave did? I mean, why shouldn’t they get in on the gravy train, right?

To the Parents who are Suing

And what about the parents of players who are suing Duke? What, did the old ladies at your country club gasp when they heard Gibbs might be involved with strippers that may or may not have been raped by him or one of his boys? Are they giving you “the look”?

Did you get an uncomfortable feeling at during that game of squash or at the afternoon tea?

I mean, what possible justification could YOU, a parent of a knucklehead who got mixed up in this mess, have for this lawsuit? To call it frivolous is a gift; it’s downright outrageous!!! I mean, what’s the theory of your case, is it “Infringement on your Right to Tell Fanciful Stories About How Well Your Son Is Doing Both Socially and Academically at Duke“?

Seriously, do any of these parents realize that ANYBODY and EVERYBODY who has ever had a family member accused of something, and by the way, the people in this lawsuit were NEVER accused in a court of law, is upset and yes, “hurt” by that experience? Get over yourselves, you don’t deserve anything more than the next mother who is upset when her son does something stupid or is associated with someone who has done something stupid. I mean, just because you called your family doctor and upped that dosage on those anti-depression and sleep meds you already took before this incident, doesn’t mean you’re entitled to a damn penny from Duke University.

How about you check your kid’s values and principles first and then while you’re at it, check your own. You don’t deserve a damn thing, in fact, some of us wish your kid never went to Duke in the first place because we care more about the reputation of our University than your son’s right to run around and play a fringe sport, drink his cheap liquor and dial up strippers on the weekends. Duke is an institution of higher learning that would have been better off if you kids never came to Duke at all, but now YOU deserve an award for what you’re been through?

In reality, you OWE us, not the other way around. The fact is that your boys aren’t innocent in the least. At a minimum they threw a ridiculous and illegal party with strippers, got into a fight with them when they wouldn’t take the party into the back room errrr dance the “right way,” followed by threats to sodomize them with a broom and here’s the money shot, and yelled racist epithets at them 10 feet away from East Campus. Who’s fault is that? Nifong? Broadhead?

Or this muthafucka in the blue shirt rubbing his dizzick up on Crystal Mangum?

Perfect. Yeah, I can see why Duke and Durham should pay them for that.. Makes perfect sense to me.

And to the Players who are Suing

What did you guys actually expect Duke to do after you fucked things up so royally for all of us? Let’s not forget, YOU voluntarily gave DNA samples, which exonerated you by the way, and now you’re suing? Wake up!!! When someone accuses you of rape, people are going to investigate the alleged crime. What did you expect Duke to do, release a statement saying, “Fuck Dem Central Hoes?”

Hell yeah Duke was cautious about coming out and defending you immediately. What do you expect? You have to when you’re dealing with idiots like you! I mean, how much more could Duke have done for you? Was it Duke that called the strippers over? Did Duke put those Natty Lights and bottles of Everclear in your hands? Did Duke yell racist threats to these chicks when the thing went wrong? Do you actually believe for a microsecond that you should have played out that season with the scandal hanging over everyone’s heads?

I mean, realistically, what more do you guys want? And even if they shouldn’t have canceled the season, so what? It’s Lacrosse at Duke! It’s not your 4th, 5th and 6th Amendment rights being breached. It wasn’t even your “right” to get a Duke education. It was your right to run around with a helmet and a stick with tens of people watching you from the stands!

These guys are the best. They fuck shit up for Duke University by creating this entire mess and now they deserve money from Durham and Duke? You know what, I think I’m starting to see where these guys are coming from. I think I’ll go back and sue some chicks who didn’t let me hit.

And that old lady who looked at me funny when I asked for a blue book because I forgot mine, I think I’ll sue her too. In fact, I think I’ll just go ahead and sue Duke for my GPA which probably could have been higher had they “supported me” in my time of need aka Organic Chemistry… I’m quite sure if they had supported me more, I could have done far better. Hell, I deserved Summa Cum Lade for my efforts at Duke, but I’ll settle for the low low price of $100k like what these guys are reportedly asking for.

And what about Devon Sherwood?

This cat.. I mean, this kid has gigantic nuts to be suing Duke for this.

How is it that he’s suing? LOL. This cat is the only player who was expressly excluded from the entire investigation, but now he’s got his hand out?!!!

For what? Honestly, what possibly could Devon Sherwood be owed by Duke and Durham, NC. He was singled out for NOT being at the party and NOT fitting he description of the alleged attackers, so what happened to him? Did he have hurt feelings? Is it that he suffer the loss of one year of Lax? I mean, literally, what possible explanation could this cat have for being a part to this lawsuit?

What, does he want some ice to match those terrible earrings he’s got on? Does he want reparations for being the only black cat on the team and thus the only eligible black cat to stand up there in support of Dave Evans when he delivered that impassioned “I’ll Have Some Green” speech?

Hey, Devon, here’s an idea. Go walk over on West Campus and trip over one of those dangerous chain link ropes. That outta fetch you some cash. Honestly, the concept that those ropes have been negligently draped all over campus for over 40 plus years makes more sense than your attempt to suck money out of Duke for a controversy you were famously and explicitly separated from. Homey pleez, you look ridiculous right now. Hit the books, hit the weights, hell, hit the pawn shop so you can get a matching necklace for those bullshit earrings you’re rocking, but stop the madness with this suit. You don’t deserve shit!

What Duke’s Settlement Offer Should Be

I mean, seriously, you guys have NO INJURY!!!! You can’t get paid if you have no injury!!! You’re just trying to hold a gun to the heads of Duke and Durham because you saw Dave, Colin and Reade get over with it, but you aint Dave, Colin and Reade..

Hell, even Dave, Colin and Reade didn’t deserve any money. Duke just gave them dough to go away. I would give you a coke and a smile to go away, but you don’t deserve a smile and coke costs 1.5 food points and I already told you I aint givin’ yo’ asses a fucking dime!!! Look, if I were Duke, I’d offer a settlement of a year’s supply of General Tso’s Chicken from that terrible Chinese spot, Han’s, on the Bryan Center Walkway!!! LOL Hell, I’ll even chip in and buy you fellas a large meat lover’s pizza from Dominoes.

It will be real fun, we can do it over off East Campus. Devon Sherwood can bring the wings and Zack can call the strippers errrrr girls from West Campus over and it will be a fun night… ya know?

Just Move On

And trust me, being accused of a crime by a nutso stripper and overzealous prosecutor does not constitute an injury that you should be compensated for. It’s called, “Shit other people deal with everyday!” I know, I know, you’re from the North East, you’ll eventually have a Duke degree, you can bench press 245 lbs. and you’ve got boyish good looks and a full head of hair.

You know what, so do I, but I didn’t gravy train a random ass sport that generates zero revenue to get into Duke. MOST OF YOU DID! You should be happy that you’re there at all!!!

Just move on. You’ve already been made out as heroes for throwing a party, yelling racist shit at some strippers and being part of a rouge athletic program. Let’s face it, 75% of your clowns should have never been aceepted to Duke to begin with. Just think about what you clowns have already cost our University in the way of image, money and heartache.

Shit, your “team” doesn’t generate enough revenue to cover the balls you use. We should be suing you! Truth be told, our cause of action would probably be more legitimate.

No love.

– Lake

Filthy Rich Martyrdom: The Duke Lacrosse backlash continues….

Mike Nifong, the naughty District Attorney who turned Durham, NC, Duke University and the lives of three Duke Lacrosse players upside down, started his one day jail sentence today.

Oh yes, you just know the “young angry man” aka the Long Island Gangsta aka Da Slim Thugga aka Colin “I see gay peoople” Finnerty is taking extra satisfaction today as he sits in that basket weaving errr African American Studies errrr Contemporary Conservative Ideologies class at Loyola “of Maryland”.

No question, I’m sure he got up early this morning (10:35 AM) to slam a half can of natty light read each and every internet article lamenting the “rush to judgment” on these fine, upstanding young men who were “railroaded” by the evil District Attorney, an overzealous and riled up black community and worst of all the BIG BAD DUKE UNIVERSITY… Oh yeah, that ugly institution that should have, but failed to “look out for their own.” No question, Colin is feeling good today.

As he should. All the Duke Lax three should. Because if ANYONE got over in all of this is was them:

A. First off, they all stole received $4 Million (they wanted $8 mil!!!) from Duke in settlement.

B. Dave Evans barely missed a beat and now he’s chillin’ at a blue chip investment bank in New York.

C. My main boy Reade Seligmann is humming along nicely at Brown University, getting back in game shape and undoubtedly doing his thing academically…

D. Colin, well, Colin is probably right where he should have been in the first place, at Loyola (Md) majoring in Lacrosse, brew, the white horse, ass kicking and hizzoes.

So realistically, everyone is right back where they were or should have been had they not been picked out of that line-up by that legitimately crazy (seriously, she’s mentally ill) skripper.

I can’t lie, I’d be smiling too… And why has all of this happened? Of course, it’s the natural backlash of the privileged white guy. I mean, when you go after white cats with loot like these guys or your boy Lakey the Don, you better come correct because they are NOT to be played with and they will fight back. Hence, what’s happened to Mike Nifong’s candy ass who can now add a one day jail sentence, along with a criminal contempt conviction, the loss of his job, disbarment and life-as-he-knows-it-ending infamy to his list of parting gifts for a job horribly done in the Lax case.

People ask why Mike Nifong did what he did. After all, they were so shocked that a DA could be that reckless in the media, withhold evidence from the defense or even refrain from talking to or listening to the story of the accused. Hey, I’ve got news for you folks, THAT’S WHAT DISTRICT ATTORNEYS DO!!!! Sheeeyut, Mike Nifong did what he did because that’s what he’s always done, only it’s usually some cat named “DayShawn Edmunds” from Fayetteville Street getting screwed over with no loot, no access to attorneys and NO RECOURSE. Mike just F’d with the wrong cats.

I mean, does anybody believe that the chief law enforcement officer for the State of North Carolina would proclaim innocent some dude named “Pookie” (from ova dere by Northgate Mall) after it was revealed that the DA didn’t mind locking up a black dude who just happened to fit the description, as ALL black men do, of “black male, medium build, short crop hair, and medium complexion” but no other reasonably conceivable link to the crime with which he was charged? Do you think there would be an ethics investigation launched? I think not. It’s hard to imagine the level of preferential treatment these kids actually got, all because of who they were, not what they did or did not do!

Again, don’t tell me there’s no such thing as white privilege in the justice system or in this case specifically, because that was 100% in play here. Hell, if the accused happened to be some random white dude attending Durham Tech from Rocky Mountain, NC with the exact same circumstances, he wouldn’t have gotten a coke, a smile or even an apology from ANYONE for his trouble. No, this is about rich white kids who grew up in multi-million dollar homes, have highly influential parents (with influential friends, read Bill Bennett) attended schools like Delbarton, Chaminade, Landon Prep, Brown, Duke and Loyola (Md)…well, maybe not Loyola (Md), but you get my point.

So take a bow Reade, Lake, Colin and Dave… You did it. You managed to put crazy dough in your pockets all because Duke just wanted it to go away (you didn’t deserve 5 food points from Duke U), you all got hot summer or full-time jobs at big time NY firms and MOST IMPORTANTLY, you are all heroes to the most influential segment of American society: Old (and young) rich white dudes who probably wouldn’t have cared if you DID rape that chick and will now make your success their personal little vicarious pet project for the foreseeable future.

Anyway, now that the dust has settled, all I can say is, hey, you won. Mike Nifong is sitting his dumb ass in a jail cell (where he belongs I might add), that stripper is still broke, black and crazy, just how you left her, you’ve got $4 mil in you pockets to toss around some, and you’re a cult hero to thousands of cats like George Bush and Spencer from the Hills… in short, it’s all good! Enjoy your victory, that machine Reade’s and Dave’s parents had behind you certainly earned it.

No Love…

– Lake

——–UPDATE—————

I just read that Reade Seligmann, Colin Finnerty and Dave Evans have put the City of Durham on notice that they plan to file a suit but will settle for $30 Million dollars. Sheeyut, Colin, how many cases of Natty Lights do you need brother?! LOL.. You know that clown Ryan McFadyen is just kicking himself right now. He’s probably thinking, “I wrote that stupid ass email and all I got was a trip home for the semester, Reade, Killa Colin and Sponge Bob Square Jaw Dave Evans get put in the bracelets and now they’re millionaires.” If we could all be so lucky. These guys are a piece of work. Maybe they should start robbing little old black women in the Durham streets.. Then will they feel whole? See ya in hell fellas.

Finnerty Lands at Loyola…Reade snickers

Let me get this straight. The Duke 3 get accused of raping this skripper. They’re exonerated and thus, are allowed to throw it back in everyone’s faces.

1. Dave Evans really gave us all a fat F you all and gets down with a blue chip investment bank.

2. Reade Seligmann hits us with a “this is why I’m hot” middle finger en route to Brown, a reasonable Duke substitute.

3. Your idiot coach, Mike Pressler has the audacity to write and ostensibly profit from a book as if he was somehow a victim in all of this.

4. But then Colin “Slim Thugga” Finnerty shows us all how wrong we were by landing at drum roll please….Loyola (Md.)?

Hey, I’m sure Loyola (Md.) is a fine institution of Lax errrr higher learning, but come on now. Let’s get serious here. Loyola from Duke? Can I assume Mr. Finnerty was not sporting a 3.5 GPA, with a position on Duke Student Government and a healthy record of community service and overall citizenship to leverage during this extended off-season?

Colin, take your $4 Million you stole from Duke and go erect a statue in your own honor on the Loyola (Md.) campus, if there is one, or run for student body president or something. Let’s face it, this was karma for you. You likely never should have gotten into Duke to begin with, thankfully, the Universe, not to mention the University, is now in balance. Enjoy!

PS – Usually, but not always, when you have to modify your school with parenthesis after its name just so people will know where the hell it is, that’s not very hot. Duke (NC) is glad to be rid of you Colin. Awwww C-Ya!

Report: Reade Seligmann seeking indigent skrippers in Providence for NEXT payday

Look, we talked about this before and we here at U v. T actually liked Reade Seligmann and wished him well at Brown University. If you recall, he said this about his departure to Brown.

“I appreciate the support and loyalty of my teammates and coaches at Duke….I will miss them. I know that they will understand why I cannot return to Duke. I have been proud to be a part of their team, and I am grateful for the support they have given to me over the past year.”

Yeah player, we understand. Typically when you take part and figure prominently in f&cking over an entire city, University community, and thousands of Alumni and get paid for of it, you may not want to roll on back through SAE for a brewski with Jurgens and Schultzy for sh*ts and kicks.

Don’t get us wrong, Reade isn’t a monster, he just gets paid like one and doesn’t mind holding Duke over a barrel and collecting for a tidy year’s work of tear-jerking, power tripping and hitting the 60 Minutes talk show circuit like he’s running for Governor or something. And let’s not act like this is Duke giving a mea culpa…nah, it’s a, “this sh*t is a nightmare, so let’s break these crumb snatchers off with a little cheese”. But at least he’s not as bad as fellow paymates Colin “the Garden City thug” Finnerty or the righteously indignant, savior of truthiness, justice and the privileged way — David “Square jaw, sponge pants” Evans who actually threw the party.

Indeed, dude was a probably good guy caught up in a bad situation because of the actions and inactions of his coach (who is also getting paid), captains, teammates, an overzealous prosecutor (who happens to be a Tar heel, no shocker there) and the media run amok. Still, Duke ends up paying Reade (and each of the other two idiots) a reported $4 million (he sought $8 million) for his trouble??? Why? Duke didn’t call up those strippers. Duke didn’t attempt to insert a broom up a chick’s arse and Duke certainly didn’t shout out racial slurs in the open air, right across the street from East Campus. I can hear you now…

“But Reade did none of those things Lake”

Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. But I don’t see him or his teammates taking the high road and exposing the people who did. The whole situation was unfortunate, but when you start banking millions of dollars because of some bullsh*t that you and your boys did?

That’s when I part ways with you. These guys are amazing. They f*ck up as a collective, the sh*t goes horribly wrong, and now you’ve got Reade on tv crying like a beeyotch about how he felt when stripper picked him out of a picture lineup? Tony Soprano said it best when he had a similar conversation with Chrissy at his grille, “so what, deal with it…show some balls!”

Reade, you are a thief. You robbed Duke with a gun.

The only reason why you got over is because nobody from Duke wants to deal with the mess you and your boys made. You cats should own it instead of pointing the finger all over the place. Enjoy the $4 Million son. Perhaps you could buy a strip club in Providence, get someone else to sexually assault and/or humiliate one of your skrippers, have her falsely accuse you (then PAY HER OFF, allegedly) and then you can screw Brown for another $4 million or so. Hell, this might be a hot business model for Dave Evans to pitch to his bosses over at the bank. One thing I know for sure, if you’re ever having a party with hoes, racism and $4 million at the end of the rainbow, call me, I’m all in bro.

Reade Seligmann to World: “This is why I’m hot…”

One of the most interesting figures in that debacle that was the Duke Lax saga was our main man (Ali G finger snap) Reade Seligmann.

Look, honestly, of all characters involved we kinda acknowledge that Reade got a bad deal.

Dude was on his celly with his lady and at an ATM at the time the skripper claimed she was sexually assaulted. Unlike Colin Finnerty, who we know assaulted some gay cat in DC (oh he was CONVICTED too) and Dave Evans, the genius who allowed the party to go on to begin with who probably should have been suspended for event itself, Reade seems like he really just got caught out there in the okie doke. With that said, if you listen to the media and Reade himself, you’d think he was some kind of POW or maybe a member of FDNY after 9/11. I mean, this cat is made for tv and his rhetoric is resturant quality.. No question he’s got a future in politics, especially with all that money he’s got in his pocket now (we’ll leave that alone)….

But anyway, we just got word across the AP news-wire from our exclusive inside sources that Reade will be attending Brown University next year, ostensibly to get his degree and play a little Lax.

In his statement he said:

I appreciate the support and loyalty of my teammates and coaches at Duke….I will miss them. I know that they will understand why I cannot return to Duke. I have been proud to be a part of their team, and I am grateful for the support they have given to me over the past year.

Understand why you can’t return to Duke? I think Lil Wayne said it best, “Big stacks, my pockets are on Creatine.” Dude, there is no evidence to suggest that you are not a good guy who got caught up with some ignorant, idiot friends, a crazed skripper and a wild and inappropriate prosecutor but let’s stop with all the high and mighty rhetoric, ok? Net -net, you got over and you know what I mean.

I hope you do well at Brown and beyond. In fact, I know you’ll do well. You just became the poster boy for the wrongfully accused and abused trust fund baby. I suspect those who come from where you come from, look like you, talk like you and live like you, will be looking out for your best interests for the balance of your young life.

One word of advice, stay clean. Folks are watching…

PS- And this is an afterthought, Duke Lax caught that loss piece to Hopkins this weekend. So much for a Rudy/Hoosiers ending. That really F’d up the screenplay for that up and coming movie you know at least 12 writers are working on. Maybe I can play Mike Nifong? Nah, too pretty….