Archive for April, 2008

Hulkamania Running Wild

April 30, 2008

Man, I guess I have to semi reverse myself on my Roger Clemens rule with regard to “young girl”. Because after looking at this shady eye on that Hulk-a-maniac the rule may be “Nobody go around any young thang, daughter or not”…geez:

I know, I know it’s daughter and dad, it’s summer, it’s wholesome…that is, until pops start lubing up some Brooke Hogan ass.

Look, my pale ass is all for getting my SPF on and clearly the Hulkster knows a thing or 50 about tanning, but come on. Get the babe next door to slather on that body butter. It just aint right.

Even this cat doesn’t get it.

Me neither player, me neither.

– Lake

Inside joke, sorry

April 30, 2008

But if you pledged and went hard, you might find this a bit humorous.

Alright, like 8 or so readers will ever get that joke, but the rest of you will just be looking at some taped up tittays, so it’s ok. I guess this babe’s name is Amy Smart. Not sure why she’s got the taped up J’s going and quite frankly, I don’t give a damn. I know, I know, “Lake, get in the cut.”

I’ll be hearing that from down the hall in no time from Brock the hater. I need another cup of coffee.

– Lake

When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong: Vacation Style

April 30, 2008

We’ve all been on those cultural vacations or events where we just want to jump in the action. Like, if you go to Brazil during carnival, you just gotta get in there and rock that Capoeira dance, right? Sure, but you never do because inherently you just know that a loss is somewhere close by….just waiting around the corner. Well, this video is proof positive of that fact. I don’t care what level of shake you think you have, don’t try to do what the natives do. Just let it be, lest you end up like this chick.

Awww, now see. That was just terrible. I did enjoy when ole boy dropped that flying people’s elbow on her though. Maaaaayne, I’m not trying to be that guy, but what’s really going on with some of these wild Caribbean dance events? I mean, I know I don’t understand and I couldn’t, but you couldn’t even bang a chick out with the moves these cats are doing. They did everything but shoot the babe. That was awful and by awful I mean awesome. Baby girl, you have some shake, you got a lil slow wine, but leave the beach antics to the locals. Thanks.

– Lake

Damn: Jimi Hendrix Has A Sex Tape

April 30, 2008

Dude, when I asked the Sex Tape gods for another installment, this isn’t exactly what I was expecting. Jeez. Now even cats who have been dead for 40 years have a sex tape. Perfect.

Now I don’t know how I feel about sex tapes featuring famous men. One famous man tape I would like to see is that Hugh Heffner tape. First of all, you know there are like 58 of them out there and each tape has to have a minimum of 4 babes in there. And then you know Hugh has the “famous babes I hit” tapes too. Oh well, I can’t tell you I won’t check out the Jimi tape. Maybe that will snap me into why so many of you out there love the guy so much. See, I never really got the whole “I wanna rock” thing, so Jimi is just another cat to me.

I did like it when he burned up that guitar and then asked it to come to him, though. That was hot.

Confirmed: Roger Clemens Likes Young Girls

April 30, 2008

I’ve been saying for years that Roger Clemens 1. was a MAJOR ASS, and 2. got a complete pass on all his bullshit from the fans and media.

Well now all those chickens are finally coming home to roost. Even the largest of the large Roger apologists are running and hiding in their little holes and I love it. First we get word that ole Rog was taking the spike, using the juice, roiding it up, along with his wife piece and now we’ve got news that homey is a pedophile? Huh?

Oh yes. A few days back the New York Daily News reported that Roger had a long-term relationship with a country music singer during his marriage to Ms. Roidger Clemens. No problem, right? Eliot got his client 9 on, MJ was buckin’ with pros for years…but but wait it gets worse (Onyx, Slam reference). Roger started up his relationship with Mindy McCready when she was 15 YEARS OLD.

I know, I know, Roger was just trying to keep shit 15 year old artsy like Miley Cyrus… I get it.

Yikes! Now, I don’t know what Miss McCready looked like back then, though I assume she was a FAST grower, but this is what she looked like a few months back.

Awwww naww. Let me tell you. When a woman takes a mug shot with a big ole gash on her face, but still maintains that ice grill, you know she’s a bad mufucka that’s been through some shit in her life. Anyway, I’m quite sure when Roger was slump busting with her, she looked more like this:

(I’ve always appreciated the open mouth, longing eye with the light ‘touch myself’ effect on the shoulder. It does good things for me) Or this:

And this:

I must say. I mostly hate country music, except that classic John Denver Country Roads is the fire, but that concave stomach piece is talking to a nilla and I’m sure it was talking to a Roger back in the day too.

I mean, forget steroids and HGH, whenever Roger was struggling or didn’t have his best “stuff” as they say in Baseball, I’m sure he just got a piece of her best stuff and all was right. Seriously, is there anything more rejuvenating in this world than a piece of young ass? Now, I’d like that young ass to be LEGAL ass, thank you very much, but hey, Roger is the best right hander of our generation (uh, no that would be Pedro Martinez, thanks) right? C’mon, he’s the Rocket….It’s All-American and clean. What strong American buck doesn’t want a piece of illicit country ass? It’s like apple pie.

Damn, maybe Lakey the Smooth needs to take a closer look at this country angle. Then again, that’s old school Mindy, you know, back when Roger had a use for her. It’s not new school Mindy.. let’s not forget what the Roger-less country singer looks like this now:

Damn. Aint nothing country sexy about that. I know, I know, Roger had her on his plane, in his hotel room, alone and all, but he wasn’t hitting that. You Roger lovers can save that talk right now. Let me tell you something, if you’ve got a teenage sanger up on your plane at 20,000 feet, you’re hittin.

If you’ve got a fast ass (sorry player, comment away) 15 year old up in your suite, you’re cuttin. Now, if you’ve got a 15 year old who looks like the above in your suite and you’re NOT hittin…well, then you’re an idiot. Why? Because everybody will assume you’re up to shady shit anyway, so you might as well get after it. Look, if you’re a grown ass man, don’t be alone with 15 year old girls who aren’t your daughter, period. And if she aint your daughter, what are you with her for anyway? I mean, what do you have in common, except this blog, mtv, vh1, reality tv, hip hop and everything else in pop culture. Ok, so you’ve got things in common with young girls. That doesn’t mean you have to be alone with them. Just don’t do it. I don’t give a damn who or what she is. It’s just not worth it on any level. If you have any respect at all in the community, the accusation alone will end you. Which of course is what Roger and his lawyer, corn pone Jenkins aka Rusty Baker are saying.

Ole Rusty says this is all some elaborate plan to sully Roger’s character. Sully his character? Dude is a scumbag already. You can’t dirty up something that’s already a piece of shat. And if it’s not true, if Roger wasn’t hittin them young 15 year old draws while he was 28 years young and married with two kids with K names, then why did Mindy admit that he was slaying it?

I know, I know, you can’t believe her, she’s a druggie who has lied and cheated her whole life. Kind of like her ex-boyfriend, the Rocket Man. I love the Rocket’s defense tactics. I mean, for real, it’s just that classic Eddie Murphy, Shaggy special…

“Caught me bangin a teenager, waddent me, my wife took them steroid, waddent me, Andy Pettitte admitted to HGH, waddent me, Hall of Fame is ova!”

– Lake

Classic Material: The Head Banger

April 30, 2008

You had to love the forerunners to the “get hype” hip hop genre. The Head Banger is definitely one of those tracks. Cats with the fake mean mug, barking dogs, work clothes, black timberlands….yeah, it was all there. Can’t you just see a 12 year old DMX bouncing off the walls, skinny ass hell in his loose wife beater as this jams in the back?

You just got to wonder. What is K-Solo doing right now? Has he ascended up the music industry ladder or is he pumping gas down at the local Johnny 5. Ok, that wasn’t right.  I’m out.

– Lake

Presidential Candidates on RAW

April 30, 2008

Al three presidential candidates appeared on WWE Raw last week to deliver Wrassler style promos on the WWE fans.

Damn, no wonder that didnt make too much news. That is the most horrible, most canned shit I’ve ever seen. Look, I didn’t expect Barack to break out the people’s eyebrow at the end of his little speech once he delivered the “You Know What Barack Is Cooking” line, but I expected a little more. It is clear that none of them have ever…evaevaeva seen a bit of wrestling in the last 15 years.

And who is HillRod, is that supposed to be Rowdy Roddy Piper? Or has it been so long since I watched this crap that I don’t get the references?

You want to talk junk WWE style, you gotta do it like Money May.

Put yo money where yo mouth is.

-Brock

You Know What’s Messed Up?

April 29, 2008

In the Disney universe there is Pluto, Mickey’s loyal dog and pet.  Standard dog, walks on all fours, wears a collar, eats dog biscuits.

But then…there’s also Goofy.

Who is also a dog, also Mickey’s friend, but he walks on to legs and talks, and wears clothes.  In this world, they are all walking, talking animals…why did Pluto catch the short end of the stick?

In fact the whole thing is kinda freaky.  Mickey has no shirt, Donald has no pants.  Is Mickey a big ass Mouse, or is Goofy a tiny talking dog?  Either way, that ain’t right.

The Thundercats, they were fair.

Sure, Cringer didn’t get any clothes or a weapon, but at least he could talk.  It would be like Battlecat from He-Man being a part of the crew and instead of rolling out into battle, Lion-O just rode him (no felino) instead of jumping into the Thundertank.

See, that wouldn’t be right.  They’re all cats, you can’t just pick one to use like a damn horse.  That’s racist.  So Pluto, I got your back.  We’re gonna fight for equal rights.  I’m getting “Free Pluto” T-Shirts made up and we’re going to win this battle…then we’re going to South Carolina, and Oklahoma, and Arizona, and North Dakota, and New Mexico, and we’re going to California, and Texas and New York and Michigan…Then we’re going to Washington D.C. to take back the White House….Yaaaaaaaahhhhhh!

-Brock

Yes, I’m tired and on the verge of losing my mind.  Back to sports, Assology and my new studies in Tailonomics later.

Man Up Monday: Chad Johnson

April 28, 2008

Since the end of last season, Chad Johnson, Mr. Ocho Cinco, Mr. Touchdown celebration, is been saying he wants out of Cincinnati. A few weeks ago, when there had not been an movement Chad demanded a trade, saying he would not play for the Bengals anymore, trade or not. He’s got it all planned out, right? It was a few weeks ahead of the draft, he’s a future Hall of Famer, and one of the premier receivers in the league. But wait, Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis apparently doesn’t play that shit.

Marv went on and hit Chad with that “brother please”. Marvin called him out and said you want to sit out? Be a man of your word and sit out. How do you feel about that Chad?

For those of you who can’t read faces…that look above is known as the “Oh Shit”. Yeah Chad, Marvin is calling your bluff. Chad you signed a contract extension just two years ago for an additional $35.5 million that extends for another three years. That means you’ll be leaving at least $7 Million on the table this year.

To prove it, the Bengals went on ahead and drafted a gang of wide receivers to cover their ass. Hey Marvin, which way should Chad go to find the Bengals locker room?

Haaaaaaa. Marvin doesn’t give a damn. He’s like an old gangster. “Chad is dead to me”. He’s already looking toward the horizon and will let Chad rot at home if he doesn’t want to suit up. So the ball is in Chad’s court and right now it is Marvin Lewis – 1, Chad Johnson – 0. Here’s the position Chad will be playing next season…left out.

I guess Marvin wasn’t on your infamous list of people you can beat.

Chad, Marvin has completely called you out and the ball is in your court. I don’t know what you are going to do next, so this Man Up isn’t even from me. Marv is calling you out, he’s pulling your card, he demands that you MAN UP!

What ya gonna do Chad?

-Brock

You Can’t Buy Swagger

April 28, 2008

Or maybe you can. Damn, what does Swagger smell like?

We know that Diddy is always talking about swagger. If he uses Proactive to “preserve his sexy and moisturize his situation. Maybe he uses this to protect his swagger.

Diddy’s former manservant, Fonzworth Bentley, wrote a book about swagger.

But as far as I know, he still doesn’t have any either. So maybe he can get a case of this stuff and actually Advance his Swagger.

My favorite part of all this? The product being on the market means that there is some young brother, or Lake style nilla in the marketing department of Old Spice that sold this name through to a room full of old white people. What was that meeting like?

Young Dude: Let’s call the new scent “Swagger”

Brand Manager: What does that mean?

Young Dude: It’s like…being cool, confident, knowing you’ve got it all together.

Brand Manager: Yes. Yes, that’s it. We want people to be cool with their friends and cool in their armpits. I like it! Cool, confident…that’s the old spice way. Let’s do it.

Fellas, it doesn’t translate here. While I’m at it, you also can’t sell a sparkly body wash as “bling” scented, or your next body spray as “fo’ shizzle”. I know your 50 year old brand needs a new market, but this ain’t it. Someone please tell me what this stuff smells like. How do you put swagger in a bottle?

-Brock