Oh No, Not Rihanna in Mom Jeans!!!!

Dammit!!!!!  The year was 2000 and young Lake made a run to the lovely country of Brazil.  When he got there, all he saw were lovely young women rocking low slung, hip hugger jeans.

He couldn’t believe what he saw and immediately wondered when American women would get with the program and adopt the South American jean concept (along with a few other things).

And if you haven’t been, yes, even the mannequins got ass in Bra-zee.  Anyway, it’s no shock how happy I was when I started seeing all the mothers, sisters, and oh yes, DAUGHTERS break that fashion glass ceiling and put their arses into these superior jeans like the founders intended!

You gotta love it and while it wasn’t without the occasional complication:

The shit was mostly all to the good.  And I tell you, it enhanced EVERYBODY.  I don’t know what it is, but that low hip looks right on all body types.

Or at least all the ones I looked at.

Well now it seems that chicks are really trying to fuck my game up.  That high hip may be in fashion, but damn fashion, I gotta live in this world!  Take Rihanna’s non dancing ass for instance.  Sure, she’s been looking damn good lately, but she’s setting up some shit that aint good for me and quite honestly, aint good for America.

Hey Ri Ri…my 7th grade class called and they want their jeans back (and dat azz while you’re at it, thx).

Even Barack took a moment away from his message of change and asked Ri Ri to quit the shit when I sent him the pic of Rihanna with the mom jeans.

And Hillary, she didn’t get it at all.

I mean, why would Rihanna do this to our country?  I know she’s from Turks and Cake Cos, Aruba, Cuba, somethin’, but still, she stays kicking it the US of A.  She owes it to us all to set the proper example and keep the rise low!  I know, I know, it’s not big deal, it’s just what’s “in” right now.  Sure, that’s what they said about the do rag:

The curl:

And dammit, the cornrow.

By the way, just between you and me, what’s worse?  The White Dude Corn Row or the White Dude Dreadlock?

All can be seen, not now, but RIGHT NOW, in every city in America.  But it will be far worse with the high jeans, hell, it’s already terrible.

I mean, what is that?  This is a very attractive woman, but she just looks crazy in this pic.  The ripped up stomach doesn’t even lay right in those pants.  It’s just all wrong.

If stars look this bad to lackluster in these pants, how do you think Sally Sue American is gonna look?  It’s a debacle.  I just don’t get it. But I’d be lying if I said it was all bad.

Because Ri Ri’s tizzail is liking right right in those jeans.  Dammit.  By the time this style goes away, all the babes I know will literally be looking like this.

There’s no hope.

– Lake

I Hate To Do It, But It’s Prom Season In The Hood

I’ve already been told by my people in the office that this will not be a topic that I should elaborate on too much. So I’ll just go with the “a picture is worth a thousand words” flow. But sadly, it’s Prom season in the hood yall, here we go:

Now see this I don’t get. I mean, how does a man get coaxed into rocking a Winnie the Pooh get up? And no I don’t care that your nickname has been “Pooh” since you grand mommie, who is now 43 by the way, named you that because you looked just like a pooh bear when you were born, ok? I don’t care. It’s fucking awful and so is that fake Miami Vice beach background you’re standing in front of…alright? Now, I will admit that my man’s swagger game is completely intact and at least his date is fully covered (for now), but whoever told you that shit was cool lied to you. Damn.

*Blink Blink* Help.

While I do appreciate the double up on the women Lakey style, I just can’t quite comprehend how this cat is rocking a Confederate Rebel inspired tux….I mean, baby girl’s expression on the right just about says it all. And by the way, I don’t like the look in my man’s eye. I’m really not comfortable with it. If I had to guess, I’d say he’s dreaming of a prom like this:

But who knows… Goodness.

She got me speedin in the fast lane,
Pedal to the flo’ mayne, tryna get back to her love…
Best believe she got that good thang,
She my lil hood thang, ask around they know us…
They know that’s minnee (BUSS IT) Baybaaay…
Erybody know that’s mine (BUSS IT) Baybaay…
Erybody know that’s minnee…

Ole girl on the right needs a bit of an adjustment….a lift if you will. I mean, if you had to guess how much dough these babes paid for these dresses what would you say? $180 total? And those shoes? I mean, why pay more when you can pay less? AHNT… Why am I even posting on this? This is awful and now I feel dirty. Oh, I know why, because there really aint shit going on in the news and Brock’s a mufucka! Next.

Is it just me or are all these dudes extra soft? Maybe this is just how dudes are built these days. Meaning, if you aren’t a complete thug, you’re just a yatch. I mean, what would possess a man to think he can rock a sheer hooded curtain with some strips of yella, pank and green? Fucking awful.

Ahh, finally a man who has some decent gear on. I can live with this. But wait, who is that he’s with? His MOMS!!!!? Dammit, why do cats take their mother to the prom? I never got that. I know your mom is your “best friend” but trust me, nobody wants her old ass at the prom getting hype when the Cha Cha Slide comes on. Horrible, awful. And no Bill Cosby didn’t get it.

None of it.

– Lake

Grammys aftermath: Airbrushers take the wheel

I know I’m late to this, but this is just too fucking terrible NOT to post, late or not. What happened to our R&B icons?

Intern, unleash her!

Jeez, maybe we can get Justice to open up a case against Aretha… I caint think of it now, but she’s gotta be breaking some public ordinance in this shot… Jesus, please, just come back right now and help this woman…. Or at least can we get a CGI cat to digitally slim her down a lil bit, maybe just through the neck?  Goodness.  Oh but she waddent the only Grammys disaster. Oh no, R&B gave you a classic industry icon turned fashion debacle and counterbalanced it off with someone I thought couldn’t even make herself look uglier.

Yep, Celie was at it again:

Oh damn…

Young child at home, check. No biologically linked man at home with that child, check. Tittay Tat, check. Lack of properly applied make-up, check. When keepin’ it real with a hair cut went fucking WMD, Dubyah Bush sleeping at the wheel, worst Pres-o-dent ever level wrong CHIZECK!! Uncomfortable foreign object in her left hand, check. Garbage ass knock off bag with the alleged in style animal print bottom…Ok, even though I don’t respect it, we’ll put that in the win column for this chick, she needs it. Damn, Fantasia.  We need to call the airbrushers in on you, too.  First thing they need to do is clean up that grille, color in that dome piece and fill out that wild wig.  Again, whoever told you ladies that the fade was the hot look for the spring was just trying to clear yall out to make their hair look good.  There’s nothing good about this cut.  Not in theory, execution or even it’s evolution.  It’s just all bad.

Damn Fanny, I liked it better when you did that up and down bop and yelled “come on” before every verse back in your American Idol days. This shit is just unacceptable kid. In the words of that hot ghetto mess site, you’ve just gotta do better.

– Lake

Somebody needs to tell Mike, he’s Mike

Remember back when Michael Jordan was literally the coolest cat in the world?

Boy, Mike was on back then. Let’s face it, dude made the black high top shoe hot. He had the cut off tee together, the baggy shorts, hell, he even made the forced baldy stylish (and by “forced baldy” I mean, one way or another, your hair you are losing your hair, so you just go ahead and cut all that shit off and try to ride it out like that’s your style. You know, like you intended to have that “look” all along. Hence, “the forced baldy”).

Well those days are long gone. What exactly is up with Miguel’s gear these days?

First off, you’re Mike so the money is not an issue. So we’re really just talking fashion sense and style right now. Truth be told about Mike, if you get him out of a suit, it’s like a fish without water. He’s clueless. I know Mike is 6′, 6″ but somebody has to tell him that Mom Jeans for men went out of style long about 5 years ago. I mean, what’s up with the height of that waist piece? Go and get yourself some low rise, less baggy, less scraggly joints that have actually seen the washer and dryer this quarter. And what’s that design on the front?

And if I’m not mistaken, “Be like Mike” is rocking those Timberland soft leathers I had, literally, back in ’91. You know the ones where they’re a different color black depending on the way you rub the grain on the semi-suede soft leather? Anyway, that’s what he’s got on. And what’s with the business man overcoat? Get yourself a nice casual winter join.t player. I mean, let’s step this up a lil bit my man. I know Juanita got you for a pretty penny, but you’re an icon. We’ve got to maintain appearances here.

– Lake

“Fashionable” hip hop artists going too far

Is it just me or is Hip Hop completely losing their minds? Seriously, cats are just trying too hard to show me that they’re not like everyone else. That somehow they’re extra Euro Gay but in a “no homo” kind of way.

Look, wearing a cockeyed belt and your make-up less lady rocking a block on her arm does not make you fashionable. It makes you two outfits away from being a damn freak. Part of what we like about Kanye is that he’s more like us than these fake studio gangsters. The guy reminds you of someone you know, someone who is real and accessible. Now he’s weirding out on some ole other shit much like the early stages of Michael Jackson and Prince.

When are these cats going to realize that you can take chances and show that you’re different without completely isolating yourself to Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears or Tom Cruise land.

(Come on Skateboard P. You’re super lean and it’s still extra medium in your mid drift and what’s with that unconfirmed Asian cat next to you, looking like an accessory)

Some how things were so much easier when cats just dressed like this.

(what, in my YT, yup, in my YT)

Sure they looked ridiculous, but at least they weren’t on that “stupid spaceship shit that don’t make no sense” to quote Mobb Deep.

(Chalk this up to when thick goes wrong)

Come to think about it, let’s not go back to the old days (or current days in Trina’s case). I can’t take it.

Dammit.

– Lake

Why Kanye, why?

‘Ye laced us up with 13 tracks (a little bit light if you ask me) of lovely music to get your mouth watering and I appreciate him for that. Still, he’s been acting a bit off key of late. First, you’ve got the staged temper tantrums, which at this point can’t really be respected. Kanye is no fool. All pub is good pub and when you’ve got substance like he does, you have to make your mark someway other than the music itself.

(Case in point)

His way is to act like a Diva, something that thanks to MTV we can now definitely call a Divo. Terrible. Lil Wayne’s gimmick is drug use. No question, the boy gets high, but it can’t be like he says. After all, dude is a savvy bitniz man, artist and college student. At any rate, part of Ye’s persona is that he dresses different that “you aint up on this” element of his game. Like he’s somehow on another level fashion wise. Oh he’s on another level alright. The problem is it’s lower than your boy Lake, Brock and most the reasonable, non crazy, non Divo world. I mean, look at this cat’s getup he was rocking in gay Paree.

He had the nerve to talk about this gear on his blog, like it was that real cutting edge hotness.. I think not:

1. I’m not feeling the tongue over the jean thing.. I mean, that’d be suspect if you were a 14 year old chick. It’s patently horrible as a grown ass man. Stop that

2. Them jeans you’re rocking are skinnier than your lady’s. Why not just rock her heels too? That aint fashionable, it’s corny and gay. Stoppit.

3. The extra smedium (small at the waist, medium through the breast plate) jacket is like your song Drunken Hot Girls. I can see where you want to go with it, but you either went too far or not far enough. No matter how you slice it, you missed the mark.

4. I call this Lake’s fashion rule No. 43: If you see a man’s outfit on the runway, pretty much any outfit, it’s not fit for real world consumption.

I am not impressed with King Divo Kanye bitting the style of some Euro art critic’s gay boy toy name Sven. I know you hate the jerseys, but I’d rather be stereotypical Timbo and throwback dude than stereotypical cocaine and gay sex dude. But that’s just me.

(Here’s a picture with BOTH these stereotypical dudes.)

All in all, I’m just hoping Kanye learns to stay in his lane. I know he doesn’t believe that he should do that. I recognize that people have told him what he can’t do and then he’s done it and it’s worked for him. I get all that. Still, this trying to be different just so you can rock that verse on “Good ass job” or whatever you next album will be named is not cool. Actually, it’s pretty tired. And no I don’t appreciate how this might impact Jay Z who promises to go “way out there” on his next album, American Gangster.

Jay, we don’t want you “way out there” or over our heads with your rhymes. We want “Give it to me,” “The Takeover,” “Is that your chick” and “Excuse me Miss (Remix)” Jay Z. The minute you attempt to drop knowledge like you did on “Beach Chair” is exactly when I tune out. When you go to see the Rock, you want the People’s Elbow, followed by the People’s Eyebrow, followed by a Rock Bottom and then a cover. You don’t want to see some ole introspective Brahma Bull, trying to put a Boston Crab on a cat in tribute to Rick “the Model” Martel. Damn that. You and Nas will never understand that cats don’t want that from you. We read books for that. Do what we like. Witty, shit-talking, money, beeyatches and hizzoes all over a Kanye or Just Blaze Beat.. Leave the acting to Denzel.

– Lake

What’s with the high pants?

I know you ladies may like them and I’m sure they’re the “in” winter fashion, but I’m not liking what I’m seeing with these high pants out here.

(Ok, her’s actually look decent, but we all know why Keyes needs that. She’s one ham sammich away yall, just one)

It’s just an epidemic.

They are not sexy to me, and isn’t that all the really matters? Hmm, don’t get me wrong, some people make it work. Look at Kim Kardashian working these joints:

Lovely. But they don’t come off nearly as nice on others. Ole Ms. Can’t dance Rihanna goes to it all the time and I’m just not impressed.

So does Kelly Rowland.

See, I like my Kelly Ro with as low rise as the rise can go. Now tell me she doesn’t look better here than she did before:

Hard to argue with that. How about lower.. definitely gotta take it low!

Silky smooth yall, silkay smoove! At any rate, I guess they’re kind of novel on yall, but it’s just like everything else the look will be high jacked by terrible broads and turned into a cover up for chicks who are trying to get over:

(Umm well, in this shot it’s ok, but I can tell that she just didn’t make it with this get up in person.  How do I know she didn’t?  Believe me, I know, I know.)

Or worse, because we all know it will lead to the inevitable.

(Ah-ha, hush that fuss, errybody move to the back of the bus, Geez)

Bottom line, tight is right. If you’re big, you need to keep the clothes as close to your body as possible, lest you end up looking like a mack truck walking up into the club. If you’re thin, you just look like you’re lost up in that outfit when you go high pants or baggy dress. Take it from Christina Milian:

Now that’s how you rock a dress. Love ya babe.

– Lake