Republican Family Values: John Mac Chooses Ice Milf With Issues

Who knew so much could happen over such a short period of time. I’m a bit behind given my 5 day weekend and you’d essentially have to be living under a damn rock to have missed this, but to counter Barack Obama’s 38 Million Viewers on Thursday night, John McCain announced Sarah Palin as his running mate.

Jeez.  Where do I start?  When I heard they picked the Governor from Alaska, I was pretty much shocked, then confused, then honestly, I just laughed. One thing I really appreciate about the Republicans is how disrespectful they are to those whom they claim to actually represent.  It’s not that they think Americans are stupid, they KNOW we are and continue to act like it.  In some weird way, I like that about them.  But even most of my Republican friends admitted to me that they didn’t see this Harriet Myers special 2.0 coming.  Sarah Palin?  The chick hasn’t been in the Governor’s mansion for more than 20 months and already she’s under investigation for trying to fire her sister’s ex hubby, but she’s “Ready To Lead Amurica with integrity”?  Puulease…  I mean, who’s running that campaign over there, the Tranny from I Want To Work For Diddy?

First, Barack Obama starts whipping your ass in the polls, so McCain and company put their thinking caps on and come up with the concept that he’s “too popular to lead.”

Perfect.  That makes sense.  A cat who is trying to gain in popularity so he can win an election is now getting criticized for being popular.  I completely get that.  Next they cook up this tasty VP choice which is one part Republican Family Values play, one part Hillary Femi-Nazi pandering.

Right, because those pro Hillary women aren’t going to get that Palin basically stands in stark opposition to each and every position Hillary Clinton holds.  Nah, they just care that she’s rolling with breasts and a vagina….Come on now, she’s Pro Igloo, Anti Abortion Rights, Anti Sex Education (even though her daughter takes more Nordic Dack than a female Moose in heat), Pro Winter, Anti Seal and Pro Gun!  How’s that going to motivate Hillary Democrats?  Oh no, I know, they think that men are suddenly going to forget that they’re sexist and vote for her because she’s got such solid Milf appeal, right?

(Maybe it’s just me, but something aint right about this chick in the eyes)

And hell no I’m not impressed that she was the second runner up in the “Miss Alaska Beauty Pageant” back in the 80’s.  She’s decent looking, no question, but did yall see who actually won the crown that year?

Let’s face it, it’s Alaska.  The standard aint that high.  Borat had tighter hoes back home than Carlos Boozer ever saw before he went to college.  Plus, the babes have to stay inside half the damn year.  Trust me, they aint just burning whale blubber and eating baby seal to keep warm, either.  Shoot, I knew a chick from Alaska in college and all she wanted to go is get freaky.  Shit, sex is more popular in Alaska than hockey pucks, ice fishing and meth all combined.  That’s why Palin has 4 errr 5 kids and her daughter has 2 errrr 1 errrr a baby on the way.

That’s right, her 17 year old daughter, Bristol Palin, you know the one who is benefiting from all those advanced “prayer based” forms of contraception, has allowed Jesus, with the help of her boyfriend “Twig,” to place an original sin inspired brick of Chunky Monkey in her belly piece and if you believe the blogs out here, this aint the first time either.

That Belly bump on the far right is no joke. Hey Bristol, just a little advice, when you live in Alaska where there is 24 hours of darkness for 4 months straight, “girl Imma make luv to you to the break of dawn” might not be such a good motif to go by.

And now they’re on that, “she’s in the process of marrying her boyfriend”..   Oh course she is.  After all, nothing says “conservative values” like doubling down on an already fucked up situation by marrying the pimpled-faced, Igloo Eagle Scout who knocked you up in the first place.

Ha, supposedly this is the dude right here.  Oh yeah, he’s definitely got that “I’m about to marry that 17 year old chick I don’t really like because her mom needs me to in order to justify her ‘do as I say, not as I do’ political agenda.”  It’s all in the eyes, he’s ready to do his duty for Amurica.  AHNT

I know, I know, this Palin choice was “fully vetted” and you GOP types were there when ole Twig was laying that Alaskan lumber to young Bristol.  You knew all along that because of her mom’s political views, she’d be forced into the international spotlight as the very personification of your hypocritical and ineffective policy positions.  Yep, she too is ready to take that bullet for Amurica…riiiight.  haaaa

Even Cindy thinks you fuked this one up buddy.

All I can say is that I know for damn sure the Republicans are lucky Hurricane Gustav hit the Gulf Coast today and provided a little cover.  Shiiiiit, that gave them the time they needed to get their stories straight.  Did you see how quickly they canceled all their shit?  Kind of reminded me how quick I was back in my school days to let someone else present first when I knew good and well I hadn’t done shit for that science project.  Oh they’ll tell you they knew about this all along, but saying you knew a 17 year old was preggers is just a bold faced lie.

One thing that’s for sure, this guarandamntees that I’ll be watching Gov. Palin’s speech this week.  Let me guess what she’ll say, this is “a family matter” and her family “needs time to deal with this, blah, blah blah, prayer, this isn’t political, but MY DAUGHTER IS KEEPING THE BABY because we respect life!!!!” haaaaaaa   I love it.

You know what the Republicans should do?  Keep Palin, dump McCain and nominate R. Kelly for President of the United States.

Now hold on, just think about it.   It’d be all pandering, all the time.  After all, is there a more religious man than R?  Shoot, Jesus stays up in his songs, so the religious right will be happy.  Then you’d be able to run him to black folks like he’s that viable alternative to Barack…right?  That ought to make this historic run even more classy….  Then, and this is the kicker, we know he likes them young girls, so he’s literally be able to bang out Palin’s daughter “til the break of dawn,” six months of darkness or not!  And that’s before he offered to keep her warm while “piss on you” played in the background, right?  What, no go?  ha

– Lake

——————-UPDATE————————

Are her kids really named Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, and Trig?  Jeez.  Those sound like Paint colors…or wood finishes.  What were Saddle, Rumpus, Vault, Rudder and Twist already taken?  Are these kids or Transformers?  This is great.  The only better thing would be if the pregnant one was Piper.  No, not because Piper is 7.  Because a pregnant teen named Piper is funnier.  You know nominal presidposition to actually getting “piped”.  My Bad.

-Brock

Classic Cube: Check Yourself & Today Was a Good Day

I grew up on the East Coast, but I always had love for Ice Cube and NWA as a youngin’.

I know, I looked real cute…still do.

This stuff is cornerstone material for Hip Hop fans. Now, this isn’t Cube’s best work, because the good stuff is so controversial that I really couldn’t put it up in good conscience. So here you have it, two true classics starting with Check Yo Self.

That video was great with that cat hitting him with that “Phone check, punk.” And maybe it’s just me, but on video, Cube just looks like Craig from Friday. That “man wait” was pretty much spot on, like when Smokey ripped Craig’s curtain. Anyway, is there anything less believable and funnier than that regressive, sideways sleeper hold Cube put ole boy after he kicked the last part of that verse? And while I have to take points off for the clean version lyrics (real deal version found HERE), I must say it’s hilarious and great all at once.

Next we have the feel good thug anthem that clearly has stood the test of time. Today Was a Good Day has too many lines to speak, so just watch it:

Even saw the lights of the Good Year Blimp and it read, “Lake A’s a Pimp”…

– Lake Cubed

Hip Hop 101: Hip Hop Decoded!

I’ve already brought you a short class on Assology.  There will be another lesson upcoming for the Spring Semester with a deeper look into the tail piece along with some new findings.  But I also wanted to introduce a new topic.  Rap music.

I know that everyone doesn’t like or understand Rap music.  For some people, maybe they just can’t get down with the lyrics, the beats, or the artists.  In reality, rap music brings important messages to everyone, so to help bring this message to a broader audience, popular songs have been reduced to easy to understand mathmatics based graphs.

Let’s start off simple.  UvT has studied the work of the late great Christopher Wallace who adopted the oxymoranic nomenclature of Biggie Smalls and determined that there is a direct relationship between Money and Problems.

We also found that if you look closely at a unique phenomenon called “1,2,3 & to the Fo'”.  When it occurs, both Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre will be at the Doe 100% of the time.  We’ve called this the “G-Thang effect“.

This one become a bit confusing.  Ultimately we know that “Bitches Ain’t Shit but Hoes and Tricks“, but the use of the vernacular “ain’t” keeps this in the realm of mere theory for now. 

We suspect that the true finding of this study will be that but stating “Bitches ain’t shit” it means that they are in fact always less than or equivalent to shit.  Such a revelation would throw the entire space time continuum into flux, so we will be careful with the announcement.

In the meantime, there are tributes to our finding popping up already:

In our final finding, we’ve found a way to determine when, in fact, you gotta say it was a good day.  This finding is based on the field research of O’Shea Jackson.  Like Samson his work was better before he cut his hair, but he will be remembered as one of the greatest.

Class Dismissed.

-Professor Brock

Illegal Tender: Hombres en el Barrio

John Singleton has finally come back to what works. Boyz in the Hood is still his best movie, so he flipped it and dropped it in Puerto Rico, and now he’s got Illegal Tender. Okay, not quite. Brock got an early sneak peek, and this joint is pretty hot.

Check the Trailer

It’s got chicks, guns, drug deals gone bad, revenge, all that. OK, it doesn’t have Ice Cube with a curl,

but otherwise it is a straight up modern gangster movie.

Did I mention there are mamis everywhere in this piece? It’s worth seeing this weekend.

Check it out.

-Brock